Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to manage adult DSD reclaiming her childhood room when she no longer lives at home?

133 replies

zazas · 30/08/2023 20:34

My DSD who is 23 next month is currently moving out of staff accommodation where she has been living as part of her job since she finished university in May 2022. She asked if we could store some of her things as she is going traveling for a month or so before she moves to another country for further training. Not a problem as we have a large storage space and her siblings already store their things there - we are talking kitchen stuff / small furniture / books etc.

However while we have been away on a holiday she has moved her things back into her old room that had been converted into a guest room and completely reconfigured it and decorated it with her things - including furniture (the existing furniture in there has been squeezed up against the walls). In fairness some of her small things have remained in the room since she left for university and it is always the room she stays in when she returns. She hasn't mentioned that she is wanting to move back home for a period (although she is welcomed) as she is 100% leaving in October after her travels - as far as we know.

My DH (her DF) and I are a little confused to how to deal with it. We are keen to keep this room as the guest room and continue with doing up the house (in our style) now that the older children who are in their twenties are living independently (we have one 16 years old DD still at home) but we also sensitive to the emotional connection young adults have to their home. It is worth mentioning that we live relatively rurally and not close to employment or educational opportunities, so we aren't offering a home in an area that young people would struggle to find accommodation.

Do we just accept that this is what she needs right now and accommodate or do we mention that while she is always welcome to come back to stay and obviously store things with us, that it is also the time that we need to reclaim the house and start to change it into one that is suitable for our needs now? If not now - then when?

Parenting 20 year olds is tricky at times!

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:12

pinksquash13 · 30/08/2023 20:57

I felt a real connection to my childhood room and it definitely felt like 'mine' even when I moved out. Unsure how my parents felt lol. Do you need the room without her stuff in it? If not, I'd leave it a while and see what the future holds. It definitely can't be a shrine to her indefinitely but perhaps for a transitional period.

I understand that - just wondering how long this transitional period might be :)

OP posts:
muddyford · 31/08/2023 16:14

Tell her you need that room for guests and she needs to put her things with the belongings you store for the others. I can't believe she just did this and thought it was OK.

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:14

RosemaryDill · 30/08/2023 20:59

Has anyone actually told her that she no longer has a home with you?
I can't imagine not welcoming one of my DC back if they needed it.
DC2 is 25 and has needed to spend a few months back at home more than once since leaving uni.
If you have guests and she is away they can still use the room.

Oh I have no problem with her returning to stay with us (she is joy to have around as are the others) but she is 100% about to leave to travel for at least a year. It was the adding all in things in there and rearranging the room so we can't use it as a guest room / access the bookcase / wardrobe and shelves anymore that was a bit strange especially when we have a storage unit that she can easily use.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 31/08/2023 16:15

I like to stay in my old room and I’m 47! I wouldn’t say I have a connection to it as such, but I prefer the bigger room to my brothers smaller room. But I wouldn’t be re-arranging furniture or stipulating what decor there is there. Just move her stuff to the storage place when she’s left.

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:16

UndercoverCop · 31/08/2023 16:00

It's already September she's back in October and you say definitely moving into her own accommodation. If you don't need the guest room for the next 4 weeks or so I'd leave it.

She is moving away internationally for at least a year so won't be taking anything that is now in the room with her.

OP posts:
Hopingforagreatescape · 31/08/2023 16:18

Tricky, because as you say, that room still had some of her stuff in it already. So she probably hasn't realised that it's not 'her room' anymore.

To avoid upset, I would leave it as it is for the month that she's travelling, and then tackle it when she goes abroad for her further study after that. How long is the studying overseas? Will she move back your way after that?

Shinyandnew1 · 31/08/2023 16:20

If she’s gone for a year, that’s not fair to leave it unusable as a guest room. Tell her you’re going to box it up and put it with other stuff in storage so you can decorate and use it as a spare room. Do you think she will react badly?

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:21

muddyford · 31/08/2023 16:14

Tell her you need that room for guests and she needs to put her things with the belongings you store for the others. I can't believe she just did this and thought it was OK.

I think we will need to say something, it is a bit strange. Especially as my DH replied when she messaged us while we were away, asking if she could access the house to drop some things off, "to put them in plastic boxes for storage and we would help move them into the unit when we returned." She then replied, "I don't have time to do that now - I will drop it off and do it when I can." However she did seem to have time to move the furniture around and hang new curtains and move the beds!

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 31/08/2023 16:24

zazas · 31/08/2023 16:21

I think we will need to say something, it is a bit strange. Especially as my DH replied when she messaged us while we were away, asking if she could access the house to drop some things off, "to put them in plastic boxes for storage and we would help move them into the unit when we returned." She then replied, "I don't have time to do that now - I will drop it off and do it when I can." However she did seem to have time to move the furniture around and hang new curtains and move the beds!

Show quote history

I’d tell your husband to have this conversation with her-he can explain where the stuff can go. If she complains, he can complain back!

Specialtoes · 31/08/2023 16:25

Can you honestly imagine not letting your own child use their old room between jobs/homes?

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:25

Hopingforagreatescape · 31/08/2023 16:18

Tricky, because as you say, that room still had some of her stuff in it already. So she probably hasn't realised that it's not 'her room' anymore.

To avoid upset, I would leave it as it is for the month that she's travelling, and then tackle it when she goes abroad for her further study after that. How long is the studying overseas? Will she move back your way after that?

It is probably worth mentioning that she also has a room at her mother's not far away (we all get on great - so there is nothing of concern between all the different relationships but we do have the storage unit) and while she has always had a room with us - she has always treated her room at her mother's as her main one - as in keeping most of her things there etc. I think we will leave it for a month, it was on my list to move some more of the books (that are in boxes!) into a new bookcase that we have ordered for that room but I think maybe leave things for the next month. She will be away for at least a year from October.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 31/08/2023 16:26

Specialtoes · 31/08/2023 16:25

Can you honestly imagine not letting your own child use their old room between jobs/homes?

It sounds like she has rearranged the room with her furniture to the point where it isn’t usable as a guest room. I think that’s pretty rude! Bringing your own curtains round and hanging them up is odd as well-what did she do with the existing ones?!

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:27

Shinyandnew1 · 31/08/2023 16:20

If she’s gone for a year, that’s not fair to leave it unusable as a guest room. Tell her you’re going to box it up and put it with other stuff in storage so you can decorate and use it as a spare room. Do you think she will react badly?

She might as she is quite emotional. Both my DH and I had very different childhood experiences so don't have the experience of the leaving / returning home so want do what is right for her but also establish some sort of boundary I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:27

Shinyandnew1 · 31/08/2023 16:24

I’d tell your husband to have this conversation with her-he can explain where the stuff can go. If she complains, he can complain back!

Show quote history

We are I complete agreement here - so yes he can definitely have the conversation!

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 31/08/2023 16:28

It’ll be best if he has the conversation with her directly.

Is this your only spare room and who else stays in it? Does she know people stay in it-does that bother her?

HamBone · 31/08/2023 16:31

I agree with PP’s that your DH should explain to her that as the wardrobe, etc. isn’t currently accessible, you’ll be moving some of her stuff to the storage area so that guests can use the room in her absence. It’s simply about accessibility, not permanently taking away her room.

My parents turned my room into an office during my first term at university. I could still sleep in there, but it was weird coming home to find a new desk, filing cabinet and their paperwork in there. 🤣

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:31

Specialtoes · 31/08/2023 16:25

Can you honestly imagine not letting your own child use their old room between jobs/homes?

No it is not that at all - it is as mentioned below it is what she has done - rearranged the room with her furniture to the point where it isn’t usable as a guest room and she is about go away for a long time. All the existing furniture in the room has been pushed up against a wall and we can't access it - which we need to. Just trying to get thoughts on it as I don't want to be insensitive to her but also a bit bemused about why she has done it?

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:33

Shinyandnew1 · 31/08/2023 16:28

It’ll be best if he has the conversation with her directly.

Is this your only spare room and who else stays in it? Does she know people stay in it-does that bother her?

Yes it probably is. Yes apart from my office but I work from home a lot in it at the moment. I don't think so as she is not really aware who is staying.

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:35

HamBone · 31/08/2023 16:31

I agree with PP’s that your DH should explain to her that as the wardrobe, etc. isn’t currently accessible, you’ll be moving some of her stuff to the storage area so that guests can use the room in her absence. It’s simply about accessibility, not permanently taking away her room.

My parents turned my room into an office during my first term at university. I could still sleep in there, but it was weird coming home to find a new desk, filing cabinet and their paperwork in there. 🤣

Yep - will make sure all emotion is taken out of the conversation! Good point. That must have been strange, my friend at 45 was upset when her parents re wallpapered her old room! I couldn't believe how often they came home from university that first year - not that we touched their rooms!

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 31/08/2023 16:35

Skybluecoat · 30/08/2023 20:49

I would just move her stuff into the storage area with everyone else’s.

This is what I would do

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:37

Shinyandnew1 · 31/08/2023 16:26

It sounds like she has rearranged the room with her furniture to the point where it isn’t usable as a guest room. I think that’s pretty rude! Bringing your own curtains round and hanging them up is odd as well-what did she do with the existing ones?!

Show quote history

They are still there she has hung extra ones on the bar to add more layers and I think swapped the lamp shades and lamps over - maybe other things - have not looked too closely!

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 31/08/2023 16:41

i would text that you dont understand why she has done this, you agreed storage but that will be where the others are so you will move the stuff thre and the room will be put back to how it was

end of discussion

GingerIsBest · 31/08/2023 16:41

haha, I love th posters who seem to think you're tossing her out. My parents made it clear we were welcome to stay or visit or use them as backstop but we had to move out after uni. When I returned to visit I always slept in "my" room - and there were still a few bits and pieces from my life with them in the room but it was redecorated in the meantime with different furniture and bedding etc. My furniture was stored or sent to me or got rid of, as required.

If it wasn't for the lamps and curtains I'd say she just dumped it for convenience. But it is definitely a bit odd.

HamBone · 31/08/2023 16:43

@zazas My Mum always welcomed me home, but I think she wanted to make it clear that I was an adult now. She also said that I’d need to pay rent if I returned home after uni.

Like you, I was only gone for a short time before moving away for work so that never happened…and she was actually a real softie and did a lot for me!

MzHz · 31/08/2023 16:44

@zazas The hanging new curtains is odd! Your DH needs to speak to her and say that the deal was the stuff gets stored out in the storage area, not in the room, so he'll be moving the stuff back out there and putting the room as it was before.

If your H is diplomatic enough to speak to her without offending her, then he should do so.

Swipe left for the next trending thread