DH gone for three months and counting

EnoughIsay · 2023-08-30T17:06:32+00:00

I have name changed. FiL had a stroke. We all LOVE FiL. He lives a two day drive away. Obviously as soon as it happened DH went there. I went as much as I could with the dcs during the summer. We tried to give DH as much time and all the space he needed. FiL had many complications from the stroke and was in hospital a long time. He is now in a half way house and the next, hoped for step is that he will go home. He lives with SiL and she wants that. They would have help obviously. We have a few massive life things going on in September - moving house, school logistics, new build, and so on. It is all on my shoulders and I have a job. I feel like dh has responsibilities here and needs to come back. He feels like his df gets better care and attention when he is there and is very worried that his df won't be ok without him. DH has no exit plan from what I can gather and gets annoyed/upset when I ask him. AIBU?

dahliadazed · 30/08/2023 18:09

It’s understandable and commendable that DH is helping his father but he also has responsibilities with you that he needs to come home for.

He needs to find a better balance and be there for you both.

NutellaEllaElla · 30/08/2023 18:11

3 months?! What madness, unless he's just leaving you I guess

Backagain23 · 30/08/2023 18:15

I know for an absolute fact that either one of my parents would be absolutely furious with me if I abandoned my husband and children to be with them in this situation. It's just not how I was brought up.
Your DH needs to get real and find a better balance. His DF and DSis need his support, of course, but his first priority must be your young family.

Thehonestbadger · 30/08/2023 18:17

That’s insane.

Honestly OP reverse the roles here, is there any plausible scenario in which you could up sticks to be with family 2 days drive away for 3 MONTHS and just leave DH to crack on with the kids/house/job and all the other marital responsibilities???

When they thought my Nan was going to die I got one evening (we live an hours drive away) to go through and sit with her, then I was expected back at home to carry on life for our two toddlers whilst DH worked.

Lavender14 · 30/08/2023 18:20

Oh that's a really hard one. Is there a way you could go alone to visit dh without your kids and have an honest chat about what the plans are going forward. For example is it realistic for you to be moving house right now or does it need to be revisited. Does he want to move closer to fil and sil and how do you and the kids and your lives fit with that. What does he see happening moving forward. I get that it's a moving situation and he might not have all the answers especially if he's not sure when fil will move into sils but you deserve to be able to ask these questions.

I would suggest that he makes a plan with sil to reduce his time spent there, does he do a week at home then a week with them for example. Or can he attend appointments by zoom from home or agree with sil what each will be responsible for. If she's going to have fil living with her she's presumably agreeing to take responsibly for the bulk of his care so your dh will need to step back at that point anyway.

It's difficult when something like this happens and family are so far away but he has a family as well. He's probably had a big scare that his dad could die and maybe feels guilty about not being closer by but that doesn't mean you can live in limbo endlessly. I'd make it clear that you love and want to support him and recognise that this is hard but you can't do everything alone and you need to agree a plan together so you know where you're at.

BackToOklahoma · 30/08/2023 18:25

He needs to come home. You can’t really just fuck off for that long when you have children and other stuff going on. Is he actually with his father constantly or just taking the piss?

lto2019 · 30/08/2023 18:32

Does your husband work? How has being away been handled with his job? Does he have a time scale to return to work? I can understand him not wanting to leave it all to his sister but likewise he can't leave everything else to you. Could FIL not be in a recovery place a bit more central to both you and SIL and take alternative weeks etc? Where is a 2 day drive away? At least if it was more central it would only be one day.

Original poster

EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 18:41

NutellaEllaElla · 30/08/2023 18:11

3 months?! What madness, unless he's just leaving you I guess

Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 18:42

Backagain23 · 30/08/2023 18:15

I know for an absolute fact that either one of my parents would be absolutely furious with me if I abandoned my husband and children to be with them in this situation. It's just not how I was brought up.
Your DH needs to get real and find a better balance. His DF and DSis need his support, of course, but his first priority must be your young family.

Children are teens.

But in a way that is harder as they have a lot on.

OP posts:

Original poster

EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 18:47

Lavender14 · 30/08/2023 18:20

Oh that's a really hard one. Is there a way you could go alone to visit dh without your kids and have an honest chat about what the plans are going forward. For example is it realistic for you to be moving house right now or does it need to be revisited. Does he want to move closer to fil and sil and how do you and the kids and your lives fit with that. What does he see happening moving forward. I get that it's a moving situation and he might not have all the answers especially if he's not sure when fil will move into sils but you deserve to be able to ask these questions.

I would suggest that he makes a plan with sil to reduce his time spent there, does he do a week at home then a week with them for example. Or can he attend appointments by zoom from home or agree with sil what each will be responsible for. If she's going to have fil living with her she's presumably agreeing to take responsibly for the bulk of his care so your dh will need to step back at that point anyway.

It's difficult when something like this happens and family are so far away but he has a family as well. He's probably had a big scare that his dad could die and maybe feels guilty about not being closer by but that doesn't mean you can live in limbo endlessly. I'd make it clear that you love and want to support him and recognise that this is hard but you can't do everything alone and you need to agree a plan together so you know where you're at.

Thank you for being so understanding.

All you say and more.

SiL moved in with FiL since her divorce many years ago. They get on very well so there is no stree in that regard. There will be paid for help when he goe home.

Yes DH got a terrible fright and is quite a devoted son. I aalso think you are correct when you suggest he may feel guilty about being so far away.

We have to move - no choice in that. The build has to go ahead - we cannot stop that either.

I suppose I am afraid that if anything were to happen to FiL after dh leaves he could resent me for a long time.

OP posts:

Original poster

EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 18:50

BackToOklahoma · 30/08/2023 18:25

He needs to come home. You can’t really just fuck off for that long when you have children and other stuff going on. Is he actually with his father constantly or just taking the piss?

Not taking the piss.

With FiL every day morning to evening. He is "working " with him a lot, trying to improve his speach, hand strength, etc. He helps him eat, cuts his hair, shaves him etc.

But mostly trying hard to keep his spirits up so he does not slide into a depression or just gives up.

Writing this down is helping me find my compassion again.

OP posts:

Original poster

EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 18:52

lto2019 · 30/08/2023 18:32

Does your husband work? How has being away been handled with his job? Does he have a time scale to return to work? I can understand him not wanting to leave it all to his sister but likewise he can't leave everything else to you. Could FIL not be in a recovery place a bit more central to both you and SIL and take alternative weeks etc? Where is a 2 day drive away? At least if it was more central it would only be one day.

He can manage his work.

Not at all possible to have FiL centralised.

OP posts:

Jevwaypock · 30/08/2023 18:56

I understand it must be really tough him being away OP, but it won’t last forever. I think your husband sounds lovely, and I would do the same for my Dad if I could.

Your his wife support him as much as you can, this has probably rocked his world. In the grand scheme of things his Dads health is way more important than anything at the moment. Like you said he isn’t taking the piss and just using it as a holiday. Your kids are teens can they help out a bit more? Be a bit more independent?

Maybe compromise and ask him to at least come home for a night every week or a few nights every other week.

Hope all goes well x

BackToOklahoma · 30/08/2023 18:57

Not taking the piss.

With FiL every day morning to evening. He is "working " with him a lot, trying to improve his speach, hand strength, etc. He helps him eat, cuts his hair, shaves him etc.

But mostly trying hard to keep his spirits up so he does not slide into a depression or just gives up.

Writing this down is helping me find my compassion again.

I’m glad to here he is not taking the piss. But as lovely as it sounds, he’s not single and childless so it can’t really continue. He needs to think of the stress you’re under with dealing with everything, and also he must look after himself too, he must learn to not feel guilty that he can’t continue to be there all day every day.

You must have a serious conversation about how this can work. It’s lovely that you say you are finding compassion again, but you and your children matter too. 💐

saffronsoup · 30/08/2023 18:58

Are there flights to where FiL lives? Maybe DH could split his week and fly back and forth. Or he goes up every other week for now etc

More $ but would help balance time. I would talk to DH about plan over time. I have been in the scenario and it is very hard to know when or how to walk away. But DH also knows that he can’t permanently stay there so there has to be a plan in place.

Clymene · 30/08/2023 18:58

He's being massively unfair. You have children who need him. You're moving house which is enormously stressful. He has responsibilities over and over his job. You and his children are his chosen family and you should come first. He needs to come home.

Can you imagine any scenario in which you pissed off for three months and left the family behind? Of course not.

I am very sympathetic to his dad and I'm sure he's doing a great job but that doesn't excuse him.

Is there something else going on?

Tweedlelove · 30/08/2023 19:11

I’m wondering what he is concerned about. Is it that he doesn’t think his dad will be looked after properly when he is not there. Or has he got concerns around losing his dad. Previous experience relating to his mum or another relative. Maybe he is trying to stop it happening again? I would try and talk/visit without the children. Also would you be able to leave for a few months…

Original poster

EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:13

Jevwaypock · 30/08/2023 18:56

I understand it must be really tough him being away OP, but it won’t last forever. I think your husband sounds lovely, and I would do the same for my Dad if I could.

Your his wife support him as much as you can, this has probably rocked his world. In the grand scheme of things his Dads health is way more important than anything at the moment. Like you said he isn’t taking the piss and just using it as a holiday. Your kids are teens can they help out a bit more? Be a bit more independent?

Maybe compromise and ask him to at least come home for a night every week or a few nights every other week.

Hope all goes well x

Thank you.

I am finding my load to be very heavy but am doing what you suggest!

And you are right - it will not last forever.

OP posts:

Original poster

EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:14

BackToOklahoma · 30/08/2023 18:57

Not taking the piss.

With FiL every day morning to evening. He is "working " with him a lot, trying to improve his speach, hand strength, etc. He helps him eat, cuts his hair, shaves him etc.

But mostly trying hard to keep his spirits up so he does not slide into a depression or just gives up.

Writing this down is helping me find my compassion again.

I’m glad to here he is not taking the piss. But as lovely as it sounds, he’s not single and childless so it can’t really continue. He needs to think of the stress you’re under with dealing with everything, and also he must look after himself too, he must learn to not feel guilty that he can’t continue to be there all day every day.

You must have a serious conversation about how this can work. It’s lovely that you say you are finding compassion again, but you and your children matter too. 💐

Thank you.

OP posts:

Crochetablanket · 30/08/2023 19:15

BackToOklahoma · 30/08/2023 18:57

Not taking the piss.

With FiL every day morning to evening. He is "working " with him a lot, trying to improve his speach, hand strength, etc. He helps him eat, cuts his hair, shaves him etc.

But mostly trying hard to keep his spirits up so he does not slide into a depression or just gives up.

Writing this down is helping me find my compassion again.

I’m glad to here he is not taking the piss. But as lovely as it sounds, he’s not single and childless so it can’t really continue. He needs to think of the stress you’re under with dealing with everything, and also he must look after himself too, he must learn to not feel guilty that he can’t continue to be there all day every day.

You must have a serious conversation about how this can work. It’s lovely that you say you are finding compassion again, but you and your children matter too. 💐

This..….

I am glad you have found compassion too - but where is his for you??

2 hours away not another continent.

He could come home for a night here and there if he wanted to .

Original poster

EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:16

saffronsoup · 30/08/2023 18:58

Are there flights to where FiL lives? Maybe DH could split his week and fly back and forth. Or he goes up every other week for now etc

More $ but would help balance time. I would talk to DH about plan over time. I have been in the scenario and it is very hard to know when or how to walk away. But DH also knows that he can’t permanently stay there so there has to be a plan in place.

It is a very hard conversation to have and I am reluctant to be the one to call it.

But - on the other hand I am getting worn out!

I will give it another few weeks to feel it out.

OP posts:

miserablebitch · 30/08/2023 19:17

@EnoughIsay I was going to ask if your DH worked, but I see that you have said he can manage it. He must either be self employed or have exceptionally good employers.

I actually think your DH is behaving very selfishly. It seems like he is putting his DF before you and the DCs, which was absolutely the correct thing to do, at the time. However, 3 months down the line, he needs to realise that this cannot go on indefinitely. He has responsibilities to you and your DCs (even if they are teenagers) as well.

I don’t know what the answer to this is, as you have said “if anything were to happen to FiL after dh leaves he could resent me for a long time.” You do need a proper conversation with your DH, to discuss the way forward, but if he says he cannot leave his DF, you are in a no win situation.

Irritatedmum · 30/08/2023 19:20

Crochetablanket · 30/08/2023 19:15

This..….

I am glad you have found compassion too - but where is his for you??

2 hours away not another continent.

He could come home for a night here and there if he wanted to .

Show quote history

She says it’s two days drive away,
not two hours.

Original poster

EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:21

Tweedlelove · 30/08/2023 19:11

I’m wondering what he is concerned about. Is it that he doesn’t think his dad will be looked after properly when he is not there. Or has he got concerns around losing his dad. Previous experience relating to his mum or another relative. Maybe he is trying to stop it happening again? I would try and talk/visit without the children. Also would you be able to leave for a few months…

His mum died when he was away and that scarred him.

He is worried that without someone being present his dad won't get the best care - not without reason.

I think he is just scared his dad will die.

And having written that down I will let it all be.

OP posts:

Jevwaypock · 30/08/2023 19:22

EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:13

Thank you.

I am finding my load to be very heavy but am doing what you suggest!

And you are right - it will not last forever.

Show quote history

You can do it OP x