DH gone for three months and counting

[EnoughIsay]

I have name changed.

FiL had a stroke. We all LOVE FiL. He lives a two day drive away. Obviously as soon as it happened DH went there. I went as much as I could with the dcs during the summer. We tried to give DH as much time and all the space he needed.

FiL had many complications from the stroke and was in hospital a long time. He is now in a half way house and the next, hoped for step is that he will go home. He lives with SiL and she wants that. They would have help obviously.

We have a few massive life things going on in September - moving house, school logistics, new build, and so on. It is all on my shoulders and I have a job.

I feel like dh has responsibilities here and needs to come back.

He feels like his df gets better care and attention when he is there and is very worried that his df won't be ok without him.

DH has no exit plan from what I can gather and gets annoyed/upset when I ask him.

AIBU?

Of course he needs to come back! Basically he is making you pay the cost of him looking after his dad. He needs to consider other, more sensible, solutions and stop using (even unspoken) emotional blackmail.

He can’t get angry with you when you ask questions that are pertinent to the next month, which starts tomorrow, THREE MONTHS into him leaving the family home, for what I assume wasn’t expected to be a trip of this length.
What he does need is a MASSIVE reality check, to adult up & make some hard choices right now!
1st thing he needs to do is come home to 1) see the children, 2) make sure everything is on track for the move you are making AS A FAMILY & 3) spend some time with you so that you can both decompress together & get a FAMILY plan in place for the foreseeable if he is going to have to stay with dad & SIL for much longer!!

His dad, SIL & carers will manage without him but right now he needs to come home & be your husband & a dad!!!

About role reversal and selfishness…

we sure so live in an entitled and disrespectful world!!

if dear partner was working abroad on assignment or the military etc dear partner would be commended. Dear partner’s FATHER is sick and people actually think it’s a bad thing that he is looking after his father??

Get your priorities straight. Help him figure out a solution. You can’t roll back time.

I see you’ve made you decision, but I just wanted to say that many stroke survivors find moving home very hard, even with paid care. They can regress, they can fall, they can get very depressed and frustrated. Your DP may feel even more obliged to help when his dad finally comes home. I think you do need to have a talk. He’s going to want to be there for his father; but his children need him too. This is going to be a long, ongoing situation and while it’s right to support him, he doesn’t have the right to just shut down important conversations that need to be had.

They have discussed it but they are at an impasse.

The OP wants certainty, her DH can't provide that yet.

You said you need your husband here but then later you said that you would leave him to it and just handle things at home yourself. I'm wondering what changed. The things that made you feel, that you need your husband home, did those things change? Do you no longer have to move house? No longer have a new build? No longer have to get the kids back into school? No longer have a job?

I think it is very generous of your husband to go help his dad but he also has responsibilities to his wife and children. At what point has he stayed too long? You say that he doesn't want to hear you ask about an exit strategy. That strikes me as problematic. You're not some random off the street. He has obligations to you and to his children. You have a right to ask about his exit strategy, and he has an obligation to consider his exit strategy and communicate it to you, even if his exit strategy is "I will stay here as long as my dad is alive and you, wife, will have to order your priorities accordingly." Without knowing the limits of his plan (6 months? A year? Five years? Forever?) you yourself can't plan your own life. But instead he won't hear any discussion of an exit strategy, and will resent you if you ask.

When you said you needed him home; to me that sounded like you felt his stay has now crossed the line. But then you changed your opinion and I am wondering if your opinion really changed or if, rather, you realized that your husband will not come back until he wants to, no matter the effect on you, or that if you push him to come back, because of the burden his absence is placing on you, he will punish you by holding it against you.

I think you are moving the goalposts, in the sense that you thought that the house move/school start etc are a reason your dh needs to come home, but you've changed your mind. That might be ok. Or not. How do your children feel about this? Teenagers need their father too. Have you given your children an opportunity to speak freely, without punishment, about whether they need him?

My Mum had a stroke, a large one in 2014. It left her disabled and unable to move properly, walk, feed/wash/clothe herself and communicate effectively. I was with her as much as i possibly could be, despite the fact i had 3 children and a husband at home. I don't regret any of it. She was vulnerable, scared, and needed my Dad and I with her. She was also victim of abuse in the rehabilitation centre the hospital discharged her to. Please understand he may just need to be there.

Did you leave your husband and kids for 3 months to be with your mum?

Did you insist your DH organise a house move and a new build alone?

As a previous poster said you have a right to ask about his exit stategy and he has an obligation to consider his exit strategy and communicate it to you. What if his exit strategy is to stay there as long as his dad is alive? Without knowing the limits of his plan you can't plan your own life.

He is shirking his responsbilities to you and his children under the guise of being the helping heroic son. I firmly believe that a person should prioritise their spouse above all others including parents. I assume that when my sons marry they will put their wives first before me and their dad. It won't mean that they don't love us or that we won't help each other but that they will put their wive's wishes ahead of ours in case of any conflicting responsbilities.

I would be very seriously evaluating my marriage before moving house and organising a rebuild in these circumstances when who knows when he might return.

They have discussed it but they are at an impasse.* The OP wants certainty, her DH can't provide that yet* I don't think getting angry/upset when someone is trying to talk to you in anyway constitutes a discussion. That's just shutting down a discussion you don't want to have.

I suppose I am afraid that if anything were to happen to FiL after dh leaves he could resent me for a long time.

I think you hit the nail on the head with your own comments here.
Im going against the majority, yes have a talk with hubby see if you can work some sort of rota out, but i feel he needs to do what he needs to do, how lovely hes such a caring kind son.
He is under such stress and im sure hes aware what you are going through, but he needs to do this, when my mum was seriously ill, i spent all my time with her, racing 2 hours up and down the motor way, my sister didnt and now mums passed she deeply regrets it.
Fingers crossed things change for you shortly.

This!!