DH gone for three months and counting

[EnoughIsay]

I have name changed.

FiL had a stroke. We all LOVE FiL. He lives a two day drive away. Obviously as soon as it happened DH went there. I went as much as I could with the dcs during the summer. We tried to give DH as much time and all the space he needed.

FiL had many complications from the stroke and was in hospital a long time. He is now in a half way house and the next, hoped for step is that he will go home. He lives with SiL and she wants that. They would have help obviously.

We have a few massive life things going on in September - moving house, school logistics, new build, and so on. It is all on my shoulders and I have a job.

I feel like dh has responsibilities here and needs to come back.

He feels like his df gets better care and attention when he is there and is very worried that his df won't be ok without him.

DH has no exit plan from what I can gather and gets annoyed/upset when I ask him.

AIBU?

But what can your DH actually do? If FIL is in a care home/ rehabilitation facility , he has the physical care he needs. Surely with FaceTime, WhatsApp etc.. your DH could see and speak to him daily. It does seem extreme. No way would I have my dc leaning their family ( and job) to look after me.

Depending on when the house move is I’d give it a couple of weeks and then tell him you are struggling.

If he has a sister then I think the best solution would be for her to do a week whilst he’s at home and then he goes back down for a week.
Or even he goes down during the week and comes back for weekends.

I could understand if he lived in a different country or had no additional help, but 3 months is a very long time and a plan needs to be put in place and he has a sister who should also be taking responsibility.

YANBU

You are his family too, of course he should not just leave everything to you to deal with.

He can't just keep fobbing you off, he does need to sit down and discuss plans with you, you aren't saying he can't spend time with his DF, but he must consider his other responsibilities and you need to decide between you how to best manage this.

He owes you a “game plan” at the very least.
There needs to be a point where he plans to return and support his own family and a plan of how FIL’s care is managed going forwards; including how he plans to juggle ALL his responsibilities.
FIL cannot be his only priority indefinitely.

Of course women have gone to care for their sick and recovering relatives. Not uncommon at all. Has happened twice in my family.

@EnoughIsay - I had two thoughts, reading your posts.

Firstly - could your FIL be moved to a moved to a half way facility nearer to you, so dh could be there for you and the dc, as well as his father?

Or, if that isn’t possible, could you hire in some help on your end? A cleaner, maybe - to take some of the load off you.

His father could live for several more years though. At what does he come home if not after 3 months?

@EnoughIsay I am spending 4 days a week
at my parents supporting them through very difficult medical stuff. Like you, I have teenagers. DH and kids being amazing. It won’t last forever, so much of what I’m doing is trying to get stuff sorted.

I wish you and your family the very best.

Strange. FIL is happy for both his DC to look after him? Indefinitely? Isn't he concerned about the impact on their lives. Their own families and obligations and opportunities.
Mmmm. Not just your DH that is being unreasonable.

It sounds too like you and your DCs went up a fair amount in the summer so so far it hasn't felt as though DH is 'gone' the way it will now that the kids are in school and you can't go to him to be together. I would imagine in a month or so after school starts, you can talk about it more as you will both have a few weeks of not seeing each other and him being away from the family.

FIL is happy for both his DC to look after him? Indefinitely? Isn't he concerned about the impact on their lives. Their own families and obligations and opportunities. He is very ill, and I doubt he is aware of any of that at all.

Dh has no exit plan ..he gets annoyed when I ask him

I understand you want to be compassionate and understanding of your dh’s feelings.
He appears to be disregarding yours.

Refusing to discuss it isn’t on.

All I would say is - don’t be air until you are completely burnt out and at the end of your tether , so to speak. Pre empt the crisis.

if you are in the U.K. - I can advise you categorically he will not get proper care. My husband had two major strokes and the ‘care’ / ‘rehab’ available via the NHS is an absolute joke.....

We are lucky that we can afford a private team on the rehab side......in excess of a 100k has been spent in the last 3 years. The recovery that he has had is just not possible on the NHS (confirmed to me by the GP).

in the long run if your DH is there and working with him - that is a great benefit to him. Perhaps you can visit?

Although what is the SIL doing? And to be honest - it’s bloody hard when they get home, SIL will not have a life.

My cousin moved into her sisters house to temporarily help with her mum after she had surgery. She never returned. She realized how unhappy she was in her marriage when she had time away from her husband and after several weeks asked for a divorce.

apologies Op -read 2 hrs not 2 days - need my glasses on!

Hercisback Well I did, and DH did carry on regardless, to my eternal gratitude. Sometimes these crises occur, and it is a struggle to get through them. But these things happen, and Fanlover1122 is right about the poor standard of care that can occur in hospital and rehab. In my case, it was around ten years ago now, and it's a distant memory - but I do remember we pulled together and got through it.

He has had a bad stroke and most likely severe brain damage - he probably isn’t capable of thinking about the family!

OP I had a similar situation last winter. My MIL was terminally sick & I barley saw my DH despite us having very young children, i a new job & house renovations happening.
I felt flat out & if I’m honest a bit resentful however I knew if I asked for more of his time & something happend I’d feel guilt & him feel it towards me too.
MIL sadly passed in February & OP I’m glad I kept quiet, wev talked about it since & he’s realised his actions were skewed by grief & shock. I think your husband is feeling similar & his intentions are not to burden you he’s just reeling. Life is so cruel & hard, I wish you luck & FIL is on the mend so your DH can come back & carry the burden.

He is helping his dad. .Your teen are growing and you are a full independent adult. I can see why he is with him more than with you if he thinks like that.
I also can understand that you obviously want him with you and not only to do errands and give the teens a lift.
I'm inclined to think that he is doing the good thing, unless there is something on the side and he is checking out the marriage with his dad as excuse.