DH gone for three months and counting

[EnoughIsay]

I have name changed.

FiL had a stroke. We all LOVE FiL. He lives a two day drive away. Obviously as soon as it happened DH went there. I went as much as I could with the dcs during the summer. We tried to give DH as much time and all the space he needed.

FiL had many complications from the stroke and was in hospital a long time. He is now in a half way house and the next, hoped for step is that he will go home. He lives with SiL and she wants that. They would have help obviously.

We have a few massive life things going on in September - moving house, school logistics, new build, and so on. It is all on my shoulders and I have a job.

I feel like dh has responsibilities here and needs to come back.

He feels like his df gets better care and attention when he is there and is very worried that his df won't be ok without him.

DH has no exit plan from what I can gather and gets annoyed/upset when I ask him.

AIBU?

You’ve made the wrong decision - it’s absolutely bananas.

A house move and a new build alone with a job and teens? You’ve gone completely out of your mind and so has DH.

Apart from anything else the whole plan for DH to go home and be cared for by DH and SIL is daddy - from the details he may not be well enough, if he is he will very incapacitated and the hard graft will be done by the carers, and this could go on a lot longer than 3 months - then what?

It’s great he cares about his dad, but he doesn’t have the luxury of ditching all his other responsibilities.

And if they tried a partner would kick up an absolute stink.

'I suppose I am afraid that if anything were to happen to FiL after dh leaves he could resent me for a long time.'

I totally get the fear of this and I think you're right to think long term in that respect as well. Caring for elderly and ill parents is tough on a marriage even when they're local. I think you put it to him and say you want to talk about it so he has some time to think about what might work and then you sit down and discuss it together so that hopefully he is able to consider a better solution and it's coming from him rather than you having to say, that's enough you're coming home. I hope all works out, it sounds difficult. In the meantime do you have much of a support network around you who can help you out with some things? Friends that could help with school run or appointments etc or watching the kids for a bit so you can focus on house stuff, or can dh do some of the house stuff remotely and you just do follow up bits in person rather than doing everything?

I really feel this too. I would also be furious if my children attempted to do this with me.

It is a very narrow and small world when you can't imagine any experience other than your own personal ones. When other people tell you their experience and you deny their own experience is true and insist that your own personal lived expeirence is the only possible human experience and that no other is valid.

You have insisted twice that NO woman has EVER left her husband and kids to care for a relative. None. Never happened in all of humanity. You think you can speak definitively to the experience of billions of families based on your own life.

What a narcissistic and narrow view.

No it is narcisisitic to insist that something can't be any one elses's experience if it isn't yours. To keep insisting that no woman has ever left their family to care for a relative. That you can tell other people who have had women leave their families that their expeirnce isn't true because you say it isn't.

The world exists outside yoru front door and your personal views. No matter how many times you insist it isn't humanly possible and that no woman has ever done it - it happens. Women leave their families to care for sick relatives. Have all the tantrums you want - it doesn't actually change my life experience or that of other people.

"He feels like his df gets better care and attention when he is there and is very worried that his df won't be ok without him."

"He is worried that without someone being present his dad won't get the best care - not without reason."

I'm just wondering how OP's SIL feels about all this. Because from where she's standing, her brother doesn't trust her to take care of their father. She lives with their father, but her brother has swooped in to be the hero, shoving her care and devotion aside. And staying there for three months with no plans to leave, that must really be grinding it in to her.

OP, it's commendable that your DH is doing the best he can for his father, but a quick look at the elderly parents board will show that long term illnesses like this can go on for years. It's not cruel to discuss the future for FIL's care plan at home, along with DH's return to you.

God, the (thoughtless) state of the bickering on here. Sorry OP, I hope you can get clarity soon, I would be tearing my hair out too. 💕

Her brother doesn’t trust her to care for her father

Thats a good point. This whole situation feels unbalanced and the men’s feelings are prioritised. I’d be interested to know if this is a cultural norm?

Let’s also remember that at present the FIL is in a rehabilitation centre and his son is helping by visiting in the morning and evening- he’s not providing all care.

Just wanted to add my support to you OP, I think you have made the right decision too. I have had a similar situation in my family where my DH was gone in another country for six months. It was necessary for him to be gone as well but so incredibly hard to do so I do sympathise. I did get my brother to fly down and give me an assist for a month as I was also doing a house sale, packing and moving by myself was too overwhelming so having him was a lifesaver- do you have anyone in your wider family you can call on? As FIL isn’t alone, nor should you be.

I also have experience with strokes and the brain injuries they cause and I can tell you that your DH’s presence is making a huge difference to FIL. A stroke patient falling into severe depression afterwards is so textbook, it’s almost expected. They lose a piece of themselves and they grieve it, so it’s essential to have family support by them right after the stroke during the critical months afterwards. It’s more than physical caring and helping them relearn self care, they really really need the support of family for their MH.

And it sounds like your DH needs it for his MH because of what happened when he lost his DM.

Anyway, I think you’re amazing and you will get through it and be stronger for it.

I’m going to disagree with most & say I don’t think your DH is wrong. I know it’s tough for you op & sounds like a whole load on you & more to come. Do you have anyone else that could help you? & could someone take over DH for a few days for him to come home occasionally?

This won’t last forever, he’s not going to be in the half way house for longer than needed & next stop is home. It’s a small amount of time in yours & DH’s life & he will absolutely thank you for the support. Your FIL will too.

I was extremely close to my Grandad & I would’ve done for him what your DH is doing & I would totally be ok (& proud!) for my partner to do it.

It sort of is with a stroke because the rehab isn’t a linear trend line? You’d think you could ask “when will he go home?” But the DH will not know with any surety when he will be ready.

A stroke also isn’t an illness.

He needs wean himself away, maybe suggest he comes home for 1 week then goes back and gradually increase that ( for DH as much as FIL)

I think it’s not a good point. To me, it means the DH and SIL are sharing the caring responsibilities for FIL during a crisis period which is only fair on SIL who is the usual primary carer for FIL.

How will we ever close the gender gap of women always been the ones doing the bulk unpaid caring of elderly family members if antiquated attitudes like this keep being perpetuated? We have here a son stepping up to share the load with his sister to care for their dad, and a reaction is “oh he doesn’t trust her to care for his father”

To me, it sounds like the old “what’s he doing, that should be her work, it’s womens work”

It must be really tough OP. I can see you don't want say anything should the worse happen but surely the real work will start when FIL moves back home. Recovery from a stroke is a very long process and you will always feel worried about voicing your needs. But at the same time, if your DH was home his mind will be somewhere else which may actually be worse for you. I really feel for you.

I mean either scenario could be true. It’s speculation given op has given so few details.

Dh has certainly left his wife to do everything in respect of his own home and children. He refuses to discuss (even sketchy) plans to return to the country.

I think op is in danger of reaching crisis point herself or making herself ill by not wanting to ask for her dh’s support with a house move, a major building project, parenting and working full time.

It feels off that she can’t even have that conversation with him.

Does he actually want to come home?

Sorry to ask but could he have met someone?

True it’s all speculation really, I just didn’t think it was a fair one to make about the DH or the SIL, when they are both dealing with a family crisis. To allege bad relations of not trusting each other…just seemed off to me.

I don’t know if he’s out of their country? OP said a “two day drive away” so depending on where they are that could be the same country? Still it’s a significant distance away.

I’m not sure if he’s refusing to discuss plans on when to return or he just can’t know as OP says he gets distressed when she brings it up. Brain damage from strokes- the rehab isn’t very predictable linear healing and recovery like with a broken leg or other injury because the bits of the brain damaged are so variable and unique. Too, there might be mini-strokes undoing gains and every patient has a certain amount of post brain injury fatigue slowing things down. Perhaps a “when he goes home” is sufficient? As in a concrete rehab goal and then a best guess as to when the Drs think that might be.

I agree he’s left her holding down the fort on her own and that’s a tough spot to be in. I hope she can call in another family member to help her? Or even a close friend? Because I agree with you it gets too much, it did for me when my DH was gone six months and I had house sale, moving and so on..luckily my little brother flew down for a couple months and helped me with the physical packing, moving and unpacking. His work let him work remotely :)

I suppose I am afraid that if anything were to happen to FiL after dh leaves he could resent me for a long time.

Is DH afraid that if he leaves his wife to deal with a house move/new build/teens/work single-handedly - you might resent him for a long time?

That could easily break a marriage.

Why would even frame his responsibilities and life choices as your responsibility? Does he normally blame you for his life circumstances?

Have you ever experienced looking after someone who has had a stroke? I'm thinking probably not going by what you've written, but most stroke sufferers don't go back to being their same old selves. My husband was not the same after having three strokes. His 'old' self would have hated being a burden to anyone, his 'new' self had absolutely no concept of the amount of energy, both physical and mental, that it took to look after him.