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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH gone for three months and counting

113 replies

EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 18:06

I have name changed.

FiL had a stroke. We all LOVE FiL. He lives a two day drive away. Obviously as soon as it happened DH went there. I went as much as I could with the dcs during the summer. We tried to give DH as much time and all the space he needed.

FiL had many complications from the stroke and was in hospital a long time. He is now in a half way house and the next, hoped for step is that he will go home. He lives with SiL and she wants that. They would have help obviously.

We have a few massive life things going on in September - moving house, school logistics, new build, and so on. It is all on my shoulders and I have a job.

I feel like dh has responsibilities here and needs to come back.

He feels like his df gets better care and attention when he is there and is very worried that his df won't be ok without him.

DH has no exit plan from what I can gather and gets annoyed/upset when I ask him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:23

@miserablebitch 💐

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:24

@Jevwaypock

Thank you. I will! 🌹

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:26

IN CAPS SO PEOPLE SEE IT. DECISION MADE - NO NEED FOR MORE POSTS

Thank you for helping me sort though my mind.

DH can do what he needs to do.

DECISION MADE.

OP posts:
moose62 · 30/08/2023 19:27

I feel your pain but to put the other side...
My mother was very ill, almost died twice, in a hospital a hours drive away. I work in education and had two children 9 and 13 at the time. I drove every afternoon after work to be with her and came home after midnight. I also went every weekend . I did this for 6 months until she died.
I was exhausted, emotionally and physically but so was my DH who managed everything as well as working full time. He never complained as he knew it was something I had to do and for that I am extremely grateful.

You are doing something superhuman and hopefully the end will be on sight soon.

LuluBlakey1 · 30/08/2023 19:27

So this isn't the UK?

Whatonearth07957 · 30/08/2023 19:29

But if he's well for years then there needs to be a compromise. You need to raise this when you're not at breaking point. He's missing out on pivotal points for his own family and weakening his marriage.

Redshoeblueshoe · 30/08/2023 19:30

What if this carries on for years ? It did with one of my relatives

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/08/2023 19:32

DP stayed three months in an almost identical situation. He returned as FIL was discharged

It was good to have him back.

gamerchick · 30/08/2023 19:32

Hide your thread if your done maybe OP. People won't stop replying.

No way I'd put up with that though. You don't just ditch your family like that. Maybe treat it like he's working away and get yourself a life without him in it. He might be able to slot back on after how many years he'll be away.

AllotmentTime · 30/08/2023 19:33

Crikey OP you're both going through it aren't you. 💐💐

Can you come at this from the other angle? OTHER than have DH home, what else is there that you can do to make things a bit easier for yourself? Any family of your own who can help, can you get some kind of PA or project manager to help with managing the moving and new build, can you pay people to pack instead of doing that yourself, etc. (I realise a lot of these are throwing money at the problem which isn't always possible 😕)

Is there anything he can do remotely to help? Can he do any admin stuff from FIL's?

Can you take some unpaid leave from work and concentrate on everything else for a while? Got any mum friends with DC who can help with school logistics?

Hope FIL recovers well and DH is back with you soon, hang in there

AllotmentTime · 30/08/2023 19:33

X post sorry!

Ladyj84 · 30/08/2023 19:35

Erm that's nuts sorry but hubs parents lived a few hours drive away when his mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Within a month we had moved near her and he transferred job went part time and for the next 8months she lived with us till she passed away. 3 months after funeral we moved back to where my family are. We have 4 kids and nothing would separate our family for long plus we all helped care for her aswell. My fam were great at helping us do these moves which yes I stressed inside about it but it all ended up going smoothly and all being happy

tackling · 30/08/2023 19:36

Your poor kids. That's nuts, abandoning them like that for months on end.

That will almost definitely come back to bite him one day.

Original poster
EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:37

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/08/2023 19:32

DP stayed three months in an almost identical situation. He returned as FIL was discharged

It was good to have him back.

I'll bet it was!🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:39

@moose62
I am so sorry for the pain you went through with your mum. 💐

OP posts:
LozengeShaped · 30/08/2023 19:41

Just wanted to post a supportive message. My DM had a stroke, I had to stay away for about 3 months, as I was her only child, so it all fell on me. I had just taken on a big work project (freelance), we had two early teens, just moving house plus building work. Eventually we got her moved into a home near us. It was a really stressful time that seemed to last for ever at the time. DH was a total star, leaving work early to sort out DC and me etc, and he never complained once.

When it was eventually all over, we really appreciated each other, life in general, and how we'd both managed in such a stressful awful time.

Original poster
EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:42

@Whatonearth07957

He is not weakening the marriage.

But I agree - he needs at some point to recognise his own limits in this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:43

@gamerchick Thank you re hiding the thread. I did not realise I could do that.

Don't put a spell on with that "years" malarkey!

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:45

@AllotmentTime Actually - that is some solid advise there, thank you.

I think I do need to get some help. I can tweek the build budget. Excellent idea.

Thank you!

OP posts:
ZadocPDederick · 30/08/2023 19:46

EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:21

His mum died when he was away and that scarred him.

He is worried that without someone being present his dad won't get the best care - not without reason.

I think he is just scared his dad will die.

And having written that down I will let it all be.

Show quote history

Can't his sister ensure their dad gets the best care?

Seriously, you need to ask him how he would feel if roles were reversed and you were the one leaving him in charge of everything for months on end.

Original poster
EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:47

@LozengeShaped

THANK YOU.

You have supplied the all important dose of Hope!

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughIsay · 30/08/2023 19:48

@ZadocPDederick

He would not feel good I suspect. As I am not feeling good.

But it will be resolved.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 30/08/2023 19:49

I see you've made this decision and I won't offer any advice. Just sending a little warmth and strength, I felt overwhelmed just reading your post, it must be immensely difficult for all of you right now. 🌻

Haze193 · 30/08/2023 19:51

Hi OP, this is a tough situation for all. My partner recently lost his father who had a stroke. He feels immensely guilty for not doing more and I can see how much it’s eating him away. Please be as patient as you can be and hope you will find a compromise that works for both. If he comes back home on bad terms, he will not be the husband you know and it will definitely create tension between you two- he will blame you for taking him away from his sick father.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 30/08/2023 19:55

For what it's worth I think you've absolutely made the right decision. Once your father-in-law is home and his routine with carers is settled, it'll be the right time to have the conversation.

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