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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

538 replies

themadcarter · 29/08/2023 23:10

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

OP posts:
TedMullins · 30/08/2023 07:59

themadcarter · 30/08/2023 07:45

I say I hate her because she is constantly sending photos to a married man? Knowing even he takes a day to respond to them and frequently asking when they are gonna next meet up etc. I'm hardly going to love her

She’s sending photos of her dog not her tits. Since when does being married preclude you from receiving photos that might be of interest? You do sound about 13 saying you “hate” her. If you’re that suspicious why not take him up on his offer of going on the walk and suss her out? I have a dog and have swapped numbers with several dog walkers, male, female, gay, straight, single, married etc. I can’t say I ever gave any thought to their relationship status if I text them and asked if they wanted to walk the dogs. He’s probably glad of the company seeing as you don’t go on the walks with him. Bottom line is either you trust him or you don’t, and if you don’t trust him to knock her back in the event that she does have a crush/make a pass whatever, why did you marry him?

5128gap · 30/08/2023 08:01

As your DH apparantly feels the need to play little games to keep this woman at an appropriate distance, shoehorning mentions of your happy life into the conversation, waiting 12 hours to answer her messages, which would be quite unnecessary with a casual friend, he seems to have his own 'concerns'.
So it does beg the question why he's going along with it? Is he so very weak and passive? Or is it possible all this reluctance is telling you what you want to hear and he's as keen as she is?
I don't agree with joining them on the walk. Its blatantly obvious why you'd be doing that and embarrassing for all. Not to mention you'd likely be none the wiser. People are perfectly capable of masking their usual behaviour when they need to. Which is how people hide in plain sight and get away with affairs for years.
As I said, your H seems ill at ease himself, snd you're unhappy, so surely the easiest thing all round is that he stops.

VWT5 · 30/08/2023 08:01

The first thing I would be doing is going on the walk, I would be in control of the dog too.
The second meeting shortly afterwards, would be me going alone (DH being unexpectedly unwell today)…and see where that leads.

Hollywolly1 · 30/08/2023 08:01

araiwa · 30/08/2023 07:55

Isolated. No hobbies. Very few friends

I wonder fucking why?!

Massive red flags of controlling, abusive behaviour

That's very unfair,maybe the husband enjoys a quiet and blaming the wife for him isolating himself is cruel. The husband has no problem enjoying this woman's company, he may not be as quiet as the wife thinks.

ExtraOnions · 30/08/2023 08:02

Mumsnet … where all women are predators, and all men are poised to cheat at any opportunity. The place where women need to constantly police, and control, the actions of their husbands - otherwise they are labelled the dreaded “cool wife”

Is this woman married, single, gay ? Is she walking with him because it feels safer than walking on her own?

OP has such little trust and respect for her husband, I don’t know why they are together.

FabFitFifties · 30/08/2023 08:03

Hawkins0090 · 29/08/2023 23:26

If this was reversed it would be a different kettle of fish one would presume ?
He's been open and honest op, where's the trust ?

Are you a man? The girl sounds inappropriate and probably besotted with DH - even if he has no intention of cheating, he is being very immature in encouraging her. He is playing with the emotions of 2 women here and risking his marriage. These behaviours do not foster trust.

Chersfrozenface · 30/08/2023 08:05

ExtraOnions · 30/08/2023 08:02

Mumsnet … where all women are predators, and all men are poised to cheat at any opportunity. The place where women need to constantly police, and control, the actions of their husbands - otherwise they are labelled the dreaded “cool wife”

Is this woman married, single, gay ? Is she walking with him because it feels safer than walking on her own?

OP has such little trust and respect for her husband, I don’t know why they are together.

It's not just the dog walking.

The woman bought the OP's husband a birthday present one week after meeting him.

Hocuspocusnonsense · 30/08/2023 08:06

Sorry OP but I think you’re absolutely right to feel uncomfortable with this.

A play date for their dogs? Is just ridiculous. I think they find each other attractive, there’s chemistry. The dogs are just an excuse to see each other. She’s 23 and he’s 35, it’s very feasible they could be a couple. Most 23 year olds are looking for fun and excitement. She’s already realised he finds her attractive and she’s enjoying the attention. I honestly think whether this goes any further depends on your husband. I don’t think him being married will put her off because at 23 you tend to be quite selfish.

Could you join them on one of their dog walks? So you could get a feel for how they interact etc. I would book a day off work and surprise him with a last minute “I thought I would join you on your walk today”. If he then cancels the walk that is a huge red flag.

GuinnessBird · 30/08/2023 08:06

A lot of you need to have a word with yourselves, so many of you are insecure and advocating controlling behaviour.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 30/08/2023 08:08

I walk the dogs on my own 99% of the time as my DH isn't doggy.

If I bumped into a man or woman who wanted to walk and chat a couple of times a week whilst the dogs played - I'd totally go for it.

And I'd be pretty pissed off if DH "didn't allow it" - not that he gets to tell me how to live my life as I'm an adult capable of making my own decisions.

Paq · 30/08/2023 08:08

I think part of the problem is that you have no interest in sharing this passion for dogs and dog walking with home, so he is delighted when someone is on his wavelength. In a marriage, shared interests and doing things together beyond the normal stuff of life is good for the health of the relationship.

So yes, I'd be getting my wellies on and tramping across fields regularly.

AngelinaFibres · 30/08/2023 08:10

JoIo · 30/08/2023 00:04

People really can't have dog walking friends? Wowzers. Some batshit replies on here.

There are dog walking friends and there are people you fancy who just happen to have a dog. There is a big difference between the 2.

AmazingSnakeHead · 30/08/2023 08:12

EinyLinky · 29/08/2023 23:34

I've started weekly dog walks with someone from work... who is a man 😳 is it really making it seem like you've got a thing for them? It's good for the dogs

I think the age and quickness of the meeting is what's making this sound dodgy. Perhaps we are being unfair to the 23 year old here, but it just seems hard to see what they have in common that they need to spend two mornings a week together. Nothing wrong with going for a walk with a male colleague who you actually get on with and speak to at work.

I think you should go OP. It will help you gauge whether they're into each other. Don't tell him though, just join as he's going out the door.

LaffTaff · 30/08/2023 08:12

You're (understandably, imo) not comfortable with this arrangement, so tell him so. If he insists on continuing, then you need to decide where you go from there.

Sayitaintso33 · 30/08/2023 08:15

The way some women seek to control their husbands reminds me of the way some religions seek/sought to control women.

If he wants to cheat he will cheat. You can't keep him away from all women, unless he can't get a woman and has too many scruples to use an escort.

If he wants to cheat your marriage is dead anyway. Why dump a man for cheating but give him a pass for wanting to but failing to cheat. He's even more undesirable. He's unattractive to boot.

It seems to me your marriage needs some work and that doesn't mean extra policing and security.

AngelinaFibres · 30/08/2023 08:16

GuinnessBird · 30/08/2023 08:06

A lot of you need to have a word with yourselves, so many of you are insecure and advocating controlling behaviour.

A lot of us , me included, went along with the 'we're just friends' ,musnt be paranoid, mustn't express any unhappiness about our husband spending a lot of time with someone else, must be totally cool and modern about a man and a much younger woman spending time together. In my case my husband was 32 and his new 'friend' was 17. In the end he left me and our 2 tiny children ( aged 3 and 2 at the time) for the 'friend'. He has been my exhusband for many years now. If it quacks like a duck it's probably a duck.

ChampagneLassie · 30/08/2023 08:17

I used to play tennis with a man 15 years older than me, we’d also go for coffee / lunch sometimes. I was single and dating at time and discussed / sought his advice on this. Subsequently discovered his GF really didn’t like him seeing me. And that he enjoyed the female attention / people thinking we were a couple (at our tennis club for example). So yeah even if innocent I suspect stroking his ego whilst I making you fee jealous and insecure. I’d be honest with him about how you feel and go on one of the walk

StopStartStop · 30/08/2023 08:19

OP, ducks. Line 'em up. It's time.
Then get yourself sorted mentally before you join him on his walk. Which I'm pretty sure he'd object to, but then, you'd know.
It's going to be upsetting to find he's having or trying to have an affair. You're going to be devastated. But don't let him have the upper hand. Find all the financial etc information you need, and see a solicitor.

denpark · 30/08/2023 08:21

Mikimoto · 30/08/2023 07:05

It's absolutely incredible the number of couples on here who don't trust their partners.
Quite sad, really.

I trusted my partner but he let me down. His behaviour was textbook and was doing things that the OP's DH is. Looks as if lots of other women on here have had similar experiences.

EinyLinky · 30/08/2023 08:22

@StopStartStop you're suggesting a solicitor for someone who has a husband going on dog walks with a work colleague?

icelollycraving · 30/08/2023 08:23

Dog walking or dogging? One may be ok, one not so much.

Planesmistakenforstars · 30/08/2023 08:23

People really can't have dog walking friends? Wowzers. Some batshit replies on here.

This is taking lots of nuance out of the situation. As other people have pointed out, lots of men have dogs. Lots of older women have dogs. He will have passed them out walking his dog, and managed to not form a close bond over having a dog. But he just so happens to "click" with a 23 year old woman over something as mundane as having a dog. And they are now arranging to meet up on a very regular basis, making it not just walking the dog but spending social bonding time together. She seems to view it a bit like a date, insisting on setting the next time they see each other. And she's messaging him constantly. And he's acknowledged, by trying to manage the messaging, that the volume of it might be inappropriate. When you add all that together, it's not about "People really can't have dog walking friends."

MrsElsa · 30/08/2023 08:24

The way the OP was written, there's disdain for DH dripping off every word.

What do you have in common? It sounds like you find him boring, pathetic.

I would also be going for dog walks with a friendly colleague if my OH hated me and my puppy that much. I'd also be looking to leave the marriage in the end once I woke up and realised I didn't have to spend the rest of my life being belittled for loving dogs.

I think you need to take a huge step back and look at your contribution to your marriage, consider marriage counselling if you want to save it.

EinyLinky · 30/08/2023 08:26

Planesmistakenforstars · 30/08/2023 08:23

People really can't have dog walking friends? Wowzers. Some batshit replies on here.

This is taking lots of nuance out of the situation. As other people have pointed out, lots of men have dogs. Lots of older women have dogs. He will have passed them out walking his dog, and managed to not form a close bond over having a dog. But he just so happens to "click" with a 23 year old woman over something as mundane as having a dog. And they are now arranging to meet up on a very regular basis, making it not just walking the dog but spending social bonding time together. She seems to view it a bit like a date, insisting on setting the next time they see each other. And she's messaging him constantly. And he's acknowledged, by trying to manage the messaging, that the volume of it might be inappropriate. When you add all that together, it's not about "People really can't have dog walking friends."

The guy I do this with from work was more appealing than randoms because we also work together so it's something we share as well as the dogs. My options prior were either people who have dogs or work colleagues, not both

JudgeRudy · 30/08/2023 08:28

It's a tricky one but I don't really know how you demand he stops this. I suspect what's really going on is your OH is an introvert and has made a friend. The dogs was an opener. He feels relaxed in her company. It doesn't necessarily mean she is out to get him or that hes doing anything wrong, however its natural it would hurt a bit. I mean shes stepping on your territory isnt she?
But he doesn't sound like he's checked out of your relationship. That would be the tell tale for me.
If I'm honest I'd say there is a bit of chemistry there but if you think about it logically do you really believe you're the only woman that he could fancy or relate to? I guess as long as hes self aware and hey're maintaining healthy boundaries I think you just have to accept it. What I would be doing is ensuring you get at least the same amount of dedicated 1 on 1 time to strengthen your own bond.
I do understand how you might be unsettled by this though.