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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

538 replies

themadcarter · 29/08/2023 23:10

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

OP posts:
PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 30/08/2023 12:06

Dramatico · 30/08/2023 11:57

Got to say I feel kind of sorry for your DH, WFH and few friends by your own admission. He must be lonely.

🙄 Da poor menz. Awwwwwwwwww.

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 30/08/2023 12:06

DameCurlyBassey · 30/08/2023 11:02

Me neither.

Well, I have bought gifts for colleagues, when they have been good friends as well..., But I have never EVER bought one for another man. Only female colleagues. It sends out the wrong signals. Sorry but it just does. I mean, DD (late 20s) buys gifts for male friends, (some in relationships,) but she has known them for 20+ years - since they were little kids, and she also buys his girlfriend or wife a gift for her birthday too. A woman buying a gift for another man- when at least one of them is in a long term relationship is just wrong. Especially if she largely ignores the man's wife/partner. (And vice versa with the genders reversed...)

My friend of some 40 years (I will call her Anna,) who has been married to her DH for 36 years - has a husband who seems to like to make friends with women, and he always has to have a female friend at work. He got particularly chummy with one woman - I will call her Liz - between 2015 and 2018.

They laughed together and had private jokes together at work, and she called herself his work wife (eww!) and he got mentionitis with her. But they were only 'friends,' and he laughed at Anna when she said she was unhappy and uncomfortable with the friendship, and said it was so adorable and 'cute' that she was jealous... Hmm

On their day trips out and weekends away together, and even on anniversary trips, he would scour stalls and shops for a gift for Liz. And Liz always brought him something back when she went away too. Never for his wife (Anna,) just him. Didn't even put my Anna's name in Christmas cards. OR their kids. Just his.

Always liked all his facebook posts and LOLd at everything he said. When Anna put say, 20 pics on facebook of a daytrip - 5 scenic, 5 of him, 5 of her, and 5 of them together, (and tagged him in so it appeared on his page,) Liz would only 'like' the ones with just him on, and ignored all the others. She would put comments on his pics too, and say 'looking good babe!' and suchlike. It continued til she left the workplace, and then she stopped contact. Much to his annoyance. So he moved onto another woman a few months after for a 'friendship...' He had a brief one with 'Mel' who worked at his workplace for a year or so.

Anna's DH had this kind of 'friendship' with women about 8 to 10 times during their marriage, but as far as she knew there were no affairs/no sex. Definitely emotional affairs though, as he regularly stayed back at work to chat to Stacey or Hannah about something that was troubling her, and would let her cry on his shoulder.

Like all men though (as mentioned on here,) he never did the same for other men, or had the same kind of friendship with other men, and he definitely never bought GIFTS for other men. Always had the phone numbers of work women too and would text back and forth. Never had any mens numbers.

Why do men do this? WHY?

Anna and her DH are now early 60s, and married 36 years, and since he went back to work after the covid pandemic (he was off March 2020 to May 2021 - when he was furloughed,) the women at work don't seem to be interested in him anymore. Most of them didn't bother with him when he tried to keep up contact on facebook either.....

He still tries to get friendly, and add them on facebook and tries to chat etc, but he is largely ignored. Anna says he is past it now, and younger women just view him as an old man. And women his age or close to it, are too long in the tooth, and too tired of men, and are not arsed with any 'friendship' with a man their age. They've had enough!

tl;dr, but yeah, men who always have to be friends with a woman are tiresome.

I asked Anna why the hell she tolerated it all these years, and she said she would tell me if she knew...... Truth be told, many women tolerate a LOT of shit from men... And many women - if they could go back in time 25-30 years plus - would not put up with that shit again, and would have left him, and say 'clearly I am not enough for you if you must pursue other women - as 'friends' - all the time..........So off you fuck!

Viviennemary · 30/08/2023 12:07

This is not very appropriate. He needs to stop the dog play dates. Ridiculous YANBU

Snazzysausage · 30/08/2023 12:10

Hmmm.I suspect if you say "yeah,I think I will come along today" 30 minutes before he's leaving,the walk will mysteriously be called off due to a last minute emergency on her part.

Seaweed42 · 30/08/2023 12:12

I'd also say to DH, do you know her background?
What would her parents thing of her meeting a 35yr old man alone for dog walks?

My point being that some 23yr olds can be fairly young and still living at home.

Her Dad might appear at some point and go, hey Mr what are you doing enticing my DD to go for walks with you.

Put that in perspective for DH. If she was DH's daughter and his daughter was meeting a 35yr married man for dog walks, what would HE think?

Innocent it may be, but the power balance there that is DEFINITELY in the older man's favour.

Cozytoesandtoast00 · 30/08/2023 12:13

ExtraOnions · 30/08/2023 08:02

Mumsnet … where all women are predators, and all men are poised to cheat at any opportunity. The place where women need to constantly police, and control, the actions of their husbands - otherwise they are labelled the dreaded “cool wife”

Is this woman married, single, gay ? Is she walking with him because it feels safer than walking on her own?

OP has such little trust and respect for her husband, I don’t know why they are together.

Spot on!

beatrix1234 · 30/08/2023 12:17

@themadcarter Am I just massively insecure??

Yes. If she was a little old lady or a local guy you wouldn't be making this thread.

theemmadilemma · 30/08/2023 12:19

It's not an appropriate friendship. He knows that because he's limiting how often he responds.

He's at the very least enjoying the attention.

VickyEadieofThigh · 30/08/2023 12:23

I would definitely go along.

beatrix1234 · 30/08/2023 12:24

theemmadilemma · 30/08/2023 12:19

It's not an appropriate friendship. He knows that because he's limiting how often he responds.

He's at the very least enjoying the attention.

Maybe, but that's his problem, not the OP's. He does sound like a bit of a bored lonely man working from home and I'm a bit concerned the OP is not seeing this but is more concerned with her loss of control over this man.

CrackedChina · 30/08/2023 12:25

So the husband knows this young woman's level of interest isn't appropriate as he has to limit how quickly he responds to her texts and she's bought him a gift. But he still continues to see her? That's a bit cruel if he knows she's keen and he doesn't intend for it to go anywhere. Does he actually want the OP to ban him from seeing her, to make it easy to extract himself? Otherwise why does he keep seeing a woman he knows is interested in him?

EinyLinky · 30/08/2023 12:26

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer gosh, I gifted a card and gift card to a colleague, who is a friend and I take to work, on his birthday... he's engaged with 2 kids and I'm single

CrackedChina · 30/08/2023 12:32

Giving a gift to a long term colleague is totally different to giving one to a randomer you met a week ago.

Elleviss · 30/08/2023 12:40

I think you need to put your foot down here by telling him that he needs to put a stop to it. I wouldn't blame the young woman as she may be a bit needy. But your DP knows better and needs consider both of your feeling on this!
Are you much younger than him? Would it be normal for him to date younger women?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 30/08/2023 12:40

Nothing wrong with what’s happening here per Se if it weren’t dates and no birthday present from her. Most 23 year olds I know wouldn’t be interested in 35 year olds but then I recall at 19 I dated a 30 and 31 year old (separately!) until I got engaged to a 24 year old at 21.

He’s encouraging this and not shutting it down as he should do as a married man. He may even find it fun to have 2 women squabbling over him. So I’d say though her behaviour isn’t great it’s not all on her.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 30/08/2023 12:43

EinyLinky · 30/08/2023 12:26

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer gosh, I gifted a card and gift card to a colleague, who is a friend and I take to work, on his birthday... he's engaged with 2 kids and I'm single

But you’re not going on regular “dates” with him or whatsapping him about contact/dates.

Big difference with being mates with Jim from accounts and having the odd lunch out with him!

DiddlyDonut · 30/08/2023 12:44

I'd start joining them. Every single time. Perhaps them messaging could then be a group chat with the three of you... see how often she messages then.

Yes, it's weird and I wouldn't be comfortable either.

And your DH is an idiot for allowing this. He clearly sees it's a bit shady due to him having to delay his replies back.

beatrix1234 · 30/08/2023 12:46

CrackedChina · 30/08/2023 12:32

Giving a gift to a long term colleague is totally different to giving one to a randomer you met a week ago.

True, maybe the girl has a crush on him, maybe she enjoys giving birthday cards or maybe she's very lonely (and sees he's a bit lonely too). Probably part of him is enjoying the attention, who knows. In any case this is his problem to sort out.

(I can totally see the potential of a horror movie script here: the girl with the dog becomes a stalker, starts doing budu on a doll that looks like OP, turns into some sort of crazy bunny boiler and starts terrorising the couple who live in the middle of the country side with all sorts of sick pranks. Movie ends with the couple escaping in their car and the house burning down. There's a part II)

ClaraMarmalade · 30/08/2023 12:49

Hillarious · 30/08/2023 10:03

What was the birthday present? Sexy underpants or a dog toy?

How secure do you feel in your relationship, OP? I was at an event recently, and my DH spent most of the time talking to a 26 year old woman about running - an interest they have in common. DH works from home and is relatively isolated, but I don't think they're about to run off together.

What if they swapped numbers, started texting, she bought him a gift a week later, and they started meeting up to go running together? And it was totally out of character for your DH?

Bassetlover · 30/08/2023 12:54

Yeah, my lazy ExH took zero interest in walking our dogs for years then all of a sudden he was keen to walk them with a female work colleague. Cue him shortly after telling me he wanted an affair with her and our marriage ending.

AmazingSnakeHead · 30/08/2023 12:54

Seaweed42 · 30/08/2023 12:12

I'd also say to DH, do you know her background?
What would her parents thing of her meeting a 35yr old man alone for dog walks?

My point being that some 23yr olds can be fairly young and still living at home.

Her Dad might appear at some point and go, hey Mr what are you doing enticing my DD to go for walks with you.

Put that in perspective for DH. If she was DH's daughter and his daughter was meeting a 35yr married man for dog walks, what would HE think?

Innocent it may be, but the power balance there that is DEFINITELY in the older man's favour.

She's 23, not 13! At that age many people are married and living with their own family as adults, or at least with flatmates. My dad had no idea who I was meeting up with, and I would have been horrified of the idea of him confronting someone about 'enticing' me.

I agree with you about the power thing, older men have that in our society. But also there is lots of infantalising going on in this thread. She is an adult woman, not a little child. If she fancies him then he needs to put a stop to the walks. If he fancies here, he needs to put a stop to the walks. If there is nothing going on, then he needs to make clear to the OP what the connection is.

Naimee87 · 30/08/2023 12:59

Agree you have to go with them and try to get the messages going to a group chat with you and your husband. Too much happening between the two of them...

I have a dog and meet up regularly with a man and his dog in our local park, he is in a relationship and i am single. We have never exchanged numbers or message we just always happen to be at the park around about the same time given our work patterns and the dogs make a beeline for each other. I know his girlfriend and we have also done walks/playdates together with her too. There would be no way i would want his number or ever think about texting, or getting him gifts. The dog walk/meet ups are one thing the texting/gifts etc. is a whole other level of interest.

truthhurts23 · 30/08/2023 13:03

I'd be taking up the offer to join them, I don't understand why your dh is delaying replies if this is all innocent ? that just confirms that he knows she is way too keen on him
for some reason a lot of women purposely go after married men,
men in relationships get the most attention from other women and they have admitted this

I bet she is attractive too, if she was fat or ugly your dh wouldn't ever entertain this

PietariKontio · 30/08/2023 13:04

SunnieShine · 30/08/2023 10:56

Yep, I (all of us) just knew it would be a woman from the thread title.

I'm not saying this thinking is always wrong, but let's be honest, who would start a thread saying "my DH has found a new older male friend at work, and they occasionally walk their dogs together" - men making friends with men isn't noteworthy, so based on MN topics it would seem that men disproportionate;y make friends with young women, cos they're the only ones people share

Laiste · 30/08/2023 13:07

Does he make sure to leave a 12 hour gap before replying to a male friend or family member?

No.

So he's already proved this is a nuanced relationship at the very least.

What would i do?
Fantasy answer: i'd tell him i'd be going on their next date without him and see what she says/does.

Real answer: i'd tell him i'm uncomfortable with what's going on and have been since the start and he needs to pack it in.

My DH would say the same to me if i was meeting up twice a week with a 23 year old bloke with nothing, apparently, in common except we both have dogs .... ! 🙄I mean come on ....