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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to dinner with another man?

641 replies

Boogiewoogieanddance · 29/08/2023 19:42

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

OP posts:
Sanitas · 03/09/2023 09:06

GCSister · 03/09/2023 08:56

@Sanitas having an affair is still a choice. They don't happen by accident.
Human beings have agency, even if the conditions are perfect for an affair it still requires individuals to make decisions and act upon particular feelings.

As for your suggestion that men and women shouldn't get too close or form bonds due to the risk of an affair...... I'm bisexual, should I not be forming close bonds with anyone? I've asked this question a couple of times but it's still not been answered.

I'm going out for a boozy brunch with a female friend today. According to your logic my husband should be telling me not to go as there is a risk it will turn into an affair.

Well unless all your female friends are also bisexual then of course there'll be no affair.
If you have straight female friends there'll never be an affair.

GCSister · 03/09/2023 09:22

Well unless all your female friends are also bisexual then of course there'll be no affair.
If you have straight female friends there'll never be an affair.

I do have a number of bisexual friends who I socialise with so.....🤷🏼‍♀️ am I not allowed to be friends with them?

Let's say I do find my friend attractive and wanted an affair, it doesn't matter if she's bisexual or not if she's not interested or as equally up for it. People have agency and can make decisions.

gannett · 03/09/2023 09:32

Sanitas · 03/09/2023 08:41

I'll also add that few people set out to have affairs. They can happen organically over time.

I think a lot of us think affairs are deeply immoral therefore we are immoral if we have them and as few people want to be immoral as a rule, it's like they emphasise that they'd never do it.

Now there are some things that we'd never do but I'm afraid all that is required for an affair are conditions to be right.

OP's friend is really, really vulnerable to an affair, OP may just may be feeling a bit 'mumsy' at the moment if on maternity leave.

We can never ever be fully trusted not have an affair because life happens. None of us.

This is why it is, correctly, a social norm for men and women not to get too close, it's not old-fashioned it's common sense.

(For me, I've got male acquaintances I'm fond of, care about even: I once cleaned the house of an acquaintance that I knew was sick. That's fine, to care about other men. That's OK. But one on one time? No way.)

An affair isn't a heinous crime. So it's best to be real and say that we are all capable of one and be aware enough to realise that sometimes conditions are right and it seems to me they are just right for OP's friend, not her but him.

So yeah he may well make a pass which OP may refuse but embarrassment all around and the friendship won't recover.
And all for fancy meal.

By this logic, women can never have business meetings or take business trips with male colleagues, one-on-one. Because those are also conditions for an affair. How very... regressive. You seem to be arguing for near-total gender segregation when it comes to socialising. And as ever, no thought given to situations where one or both parties are bisexual, gay, lesbian etc.

In any case the obvious counterargument is the massive number of times all your conditions are met, but no affair has resulted.

This year alone I have been to Michelin-starred restaurants with male friends, I have travelled abroad with male colleagues and hung out in hotel bars overseas with them, I have been out clubbing and danced til 6am with a male friend, I have had extremely jolly big nights out on the town and gone back to male friends' houses for drinks. All one-on-one! (I have also done the same with female friends, and in groups, and with DP.) Not a single affair resulted. Not even so much as a pass.

Every one of your silly "conditions" can be countered easily by having awareness of morals and boundaries, and having male friends who are the same.

MasterBeth · 03/09/2023 09:49

So yeah he may well make a pass which OP may refuse but embarrassment all around and the friendship won't recover.
And all for fancy meal.

So actually, you admit there won't be an affair, because the OP won't be a partner in one.

And your concern is the potential for the OP's heartbroken friend to make a pass.

So the OP has to police his possible bad behaviour by missing out on what is likely to be a perfectly platonic evening out for both parties.

Sorry, but any responsibility there for the friendship's survival is not the OP's. She shouldn't be living her life on the basis of "what if my good friend is so disrespectful to me, my husband and my marriage that he makes a pass at me?"

I trust my friends until they do something that suggests I shouldn't. It seems the OP is doing the same.

GCSister · 03/09/2023 10:36

@gannett absolutely spot on!
If I lived my life thinking about the situations that could lead to an affair then I wouldn't be where I am in my career.
I have to travel regularly with my male boss. We get on extremely well, in fact I often comment about how he's practically a clone of my husband. I value him as a colleague and a friend.
We often find ourselves half way across the world missing our partners and families. Yet we've never had an affair or even a hint of something inappropriate.

spookehtooth · 03/09/2023 11:58

Whilst I agree with the responses above, I do accept the unplanned things happen and that sometimes circumstances can play a bigger role than intent. However I still maintain trust matters, it's not something to do in expectation of a desired outcome. If both people want to behave the way that's been described, then I guess that's okay, but one person setting rules and controlling what someone else can do isn't on. Even at my most insecure, when younger, I couldn't help showing it but I made it clear that she should go and do what she wanted anyways because the idea of being a dickhead was an even worse fear 🤣🤣

Original poster
Boogiewoogieanddance · 03/09/2023 12:46

@Aprilrosesews

He has in a round about way said all the things, he jealous a bit because it should be me and him in a nice restaurant.. although still wouldn't go to a set menu place lol and i think it is do to with the jump from coffee - dinner in the circumstances with him seperating. And I think in usual circumstances I would completely agree and see that's its inappropriate, but in this situation with the conversation leading to it & voucher it isn't a pass by him.

DH has made it clear he thinks it's weird, isn't like rushing me off to it but he trusts me and doesn't think its an affair at all. I've told him if I ever thought friend was getting too close I would step back and let him know.

I'll take the dinner because I know I'm a good wife and friend and I deserve a treat. So over all, I think we both see it from eachothers view point and will take it on board. But I don't think in an equal relationship either of us has to completely succumb to eachothers idealisation.

And whoever asked, I don't have plans to see my friend before the dinner. He's fine with the friendship though, I do think he aware friend is vulnerable right now and doesnt want him to lean on me too much. Friend checks in with DH with me aswell because he wouldn't want me to send time with him over my family.. I say this like we are together always. We really aren't, like maybe 1/2 times a month at the mo, and a majority of the time some kids are with me

OP posts:
sezzer87 · 03/09/2023 17:14

The question is why he feels the need to go for walks and meals with a married women? Why not go with a mate and go for beers and talk about manly topics. Seems strange that he'd choose a female who's married with kids.
My husband goes for drinks with a mixed group from work. That's different but if he had the opportunity to go for a walk or a meal out he wouldn't pick another women over me and definitely not a married women.
Seems like this man is filling a void in your own marriage. Perhaps your husband is now cottoning on to that, and worried that this big posh meal will make the two of you even closer and highlight what's missing in your marriage.

MasterBeth · 03/09/2023 18:05

Why do men have to drink beer and talk about manly topics? My partner has always preferred the company of women, which is one of the reasons I liked him!

ErosandAgape · 03/09/2023 18:08

sezzer87 · 03/09/2023 17:14

The question is why he feels the need to go for walks and meals with a married women? Why not go with a mate and go for beers and talk about manly topics. Seems strange that he'd choose a female who's married with kids.
My husband goes for drinks with a mixed group from work. That's different but if he had the opportunity to go for a walk or a meal out he wouldn't pick another women over me and definitely not a married women.
Seems like this man is filling a void in your own marriage. Perhaps your husband is now cottoning on to that, and worried that this big posh meal will make the two of you even closer and highlight what's missing in your marriage.

Does he have some kind of disability that only enables him to talk about ‘manly topics’ to men? What exactly are ‘manly topics’? The Arsenal defence? Prostate checks? Peeing standing up?

MarkWithaC · 03/09/2023 18:43

I'm here to find out what 'manly topics' are too Grin

Hey, maybe the OP talks about 'manly topics' to her friend and that's why they like each other?

spookehtooth · 03/09/2023 20:39

I'm getting worried here too now, I don't talk about many so-called manly things and most of the people I get on with well tend to be women 🤷‍♀️ I wouldn't call it a choice or a preference, its just how life's gone since I was small, I'll try and get on with anyone and sometimes I have wondered why that's how it is.

sezzer87 · 03/09/2023 21:05

MasterBeth · 03/09/2023 18:05

Why do men have to drink beer and talk about manly topics? My partner has always preferred the company of women, which is one of the reasons I liked him!

Mine enjoys the company of women too, but he loves his Friday nights with his brother where he can chat about certain topics that can't be spoken about in front of women.
I'm sure there are topics you'd only talk about with women too.

MasterBeth · 03/09/2023 21:50

What topics can’t be spoken about in front of women? Do your husband and his brother live in the 19th century?

Livelifelaughter · 03/09/2023 21:52

MichaelAndersen · 02/09/2023 15:20

So your husband hates a set menu more than he hates the idea of you going to a fancy dinner with a man alone? He is acting like he’s so concerned about this friend date but the set menu is like a river of crocodiles he just can’t cross in order to join you. What a weirdo. Go to the dinner. Bring home delicious leftovers and eat them right in front of him. Your husband is weird.

I didn't really understand this point..I thought OP said the voucher would cover a set meal for two with wine but they could have a normal menu but the voucher wouldn't cover the drinks ? So set menu is better value. Then in another post I think OP said her friend preferred go with another person...dinner a deux

spookehtooth · 03/09/2023 22:42

I'm beginning to feel like I've been excluded from the brotherhood of man 🤷‍♀️ I hope I've not missed out on anything exciting

theGooHasGone · 03/09/2023 22:56

You've already made up your mind; why are you asking for input?

Martin123456 · 04/09/2023 06:48

Your old man isn't comfortable with it, and has said so, I wouldn't be either, if you're still considering going, then I'm not sure you really respect your old man's decision on not to go. I can appreciate that (on your part) it is purely platonic. But can you guarantee that the other two guys feel the same way. Certainly doesn't sound like your old man does.
Maybe you'll go against your old man's wishes. Maybe you won't go, against your friends wishes, which one do you feel you owe the honour of being respectful to the most?

JillinSwindon · 04/09/2023 06:56

Am I right in thinking DH has been offered the choice of going but has turned it down simply because it's a set menu? So he has effectively agreed to the arrangement and consequently hasn't got a leg to stand on IMHO.

Birch101 · 04/09/2023 06:58

Your friend is going through a hard time and personally I would go and enjoy the meal with a friend.

The only thing is to make your.pattner know that on your side it is entirely platonic and if you ever start to feel that your friend is using you more like a crutch and not getting out there in the future to meet new people as he is getting some emotional needs met from you that you would reassess the situation

Scaraben · 04/09/2023 07:29

I think this is totally fine. One of my closest friends is a man, we go out together to do all sorts of things and his wife/my DH have never attempted to curtail us spending time together. Our friendship predates either of them! I'm surprised by the responses here.

My DH recently got given a voucher for a fancy steak restaurant and he took a female friend of ours. I can't stand steak so was pleased he got to use it and that I didn't have to go along and eat a bunch of side dishes!

If people are going to have affairs they'll have affairs, they don't need a tasting menu to facilitate it...

Ohhbaby · 04/09/2023 08:02

Yeah, sorry I think it is inappropriate. I do not think a man going through a hard time (granted) should choose a married woman's proverbial shoulder to cry on. If he needs support and uplifting I think the correct thing to do it find it with a male friend or unmarried female one if she so wished.
I think in a society where marriage is made quite cheap, I would be protective of my marriage, meaning I am not going to make sure my emotional energy, compassion and time is not wasted on someone other than my dh. Obviously you want to be there for a friend but one on one time at a restaurant would be a no go for me and dh. I know other posters that have used the term respect have been shut down pretty fast, but i feel the same way. It's not respecting the current marriage.

dibley27 · 04/09/2023 08:40

Totally depends on your relationship dynamics I guess. People are different. Personally, if something bothers either DH or myself - reasonable or not, because feelings are not always reasonable - then we don't do it. It's just how we both are. We have always been about putting each other above anybody else and that's just our vibe, it works for us. We do obviously have serious chats if there is something we don't agree on - try to come to an arrangement that we are both happy with. But if one of us still isn't happy with it after that, then we just wouldn't do it.
Your relationship sounds different, so just follow your instincts and if it feels OK, go and enjoy yourself! 😁

GCSister · 04/09/2023 08:54

The question is why he feels the need to go for walks and meals with a married women? Why not go with a mate and go for beers and talk about manly topics.

Hilarious. What are manly topics?!

GCSister · 04/09/2023 08:55

If he needs support and uplifting I think the correct thing to do it find it with a male friend or unmarried female one if she so wished.

I'm sorry, have we forgotten it's 2023 and married women are now allowed to participate fully in society??