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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visit to grandparents cut short due to teenage behaviour

306 replies

DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:29

I'm fully prepared to be told that AIBU, just want to gauge how others would have taken this.
DS14 and DD13 went down to see the in-laws for 4 days over the bank holiday period. About 4hrs on the train, plus cycling on our side and car ride on their side, so a considerable distance. 5yr old cousin who lives much closer to the in-laws was also visiting. They love seeing their cousin and playing with her, but from past experience can be pretty full on like toddlers are, excited to see their only cousins etc. After a couple of days of relentless playing (7am-10pm) DS and DD phones me, DD saying she is missing me, she gets emotional when tired, and DS saying he is not allowed a break from the playing. MIL overhears this and snaps at DS, bans him from dinner, further telling off etc etc, and ultimately they were sent home the next day as they had had enough of his moody, petulant, stone faced demeanour and refusal to apologise for saying telling us he needed a break. They were meant to come back the day after, instead they were taken to the station and dropped off, they came home at 9pm last night. Is this reasonable? I am totally on board with telling off for bad behaviour and feel that it's up to the grandparents to do that if necessary, DS can be like this sometimes, but in this instance, couldn't they have suck it up for a few more hours and sent them home the next day as planned? This is the first time ever that they have gone down without us, and according to the in-laws won't be happening again. Feeling sad for the kids mainly.
It's not the chastising I don't approve of, it's the way they were sent away abruptly.

OP posts:
Original poster
DataColour · 29/08/2023 12:28

They did get taken out to the beach. DCs said that's the only break they had, whilst being driven there and back!

OP posts:
Monster80 · 29/08/2023 12:32

DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:43

I can't remember what typical 5yr old behaviour is like, but she is constantly wanting them to play with her both of them together, so it's not like they can take turns.

With this being the case, I presume they were bloody delighted to be sent home? If that 13 year old had been me, I’d have asked you much sooner. Are they genuinely gutted about being sent home? My guess is not at all, is it irritating that it happened abruptly, yes. I’d imagine they grew tired of jigging about with a toddler on day 1 of this excursion? Have you asked them?

Tessisme · 29/08/2023 12:33

Your PILs sound like something from a Roald Dahl story to be honest! From what you've said, they seem very much to blame in this situation. I'm not surprised at all by your children's feelings around this. Your DD didn't do anything wrong so she had the 'luxury' of just being glad it was all over. Your DS, on the other hand, understood that being sent home was his punishment for what his grandparents considered to be bad behaviour. So, whether he would have preferred to go home or not, it's all bound up with a sense of guilt and probably injustice. I feel sorry for the poor lad.

Bellaboo01 · 29/08/2023 12:33

DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:29

I'm fully prepared to be told that AIBU, just want to gauge how others would have taken this.
DS14 and DD13 went down to see the in-laws for 4 days over the bank holiday period. About 4hrs on the train, plus cycling on our side and car ride on their side, so a considerable distance. 5yr old cousin who lives much closer to the in-laws was also visiting. They love seeing their cousin and playing with her, but from past experience can be pretty full on like toddlers are, excited to see their only cousins etc. After a couple of days of relentless playing (7am-10pm) DS and DD phones me, DD saying she is missing me, she gets emotional when tired, and DS saying he is not allowed a break from the playing. MIL overhears this and snaps at DS, bans him from dinner, further telling off etc etc, and ultimately they were sent home the next day as they had had enough of his moody, petulant, stone faced demeanour and refusal to apologise for saying telling us he needed a break. They were meant to come back the day after, instead they were taken to the station and dropped off, they came home at 9pm last night. Is this reasonable? I am totally on board with telling off for bad behaviour and feel that it's up to the grandparents to do that if necessary, DS can be like this sometimes, but in this instance, couldn't they have suck it up for a few more hours and sent them home the next day as planned? This is the first time ever that they have gone down without us, and according to the in-laws won't be happening again. Feeling sad for the kids mainly.
It's not the chastising I don't approve of, it's the way they were sent away abruptly.

What are the Grandparents version of events?

LookItsMeAgain · 29/08/2023 12:35

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 29/08/2023 11:07

You said the 5 year old lives closer to the inlaws. I'm going to hazard a guess and say she sees them a lot and they are totally baffled as to why your teenagers don't adore her as much as they do and can't understand why they wouldn't want to spend every waking moment with said golden child?

There's probably a good dollop of this going on too!

CoteDOpale · 29/08/2023 12:35

Doesn’t sound like DS did anything wrong?

He expressed to you that he needs a break from playing with the 5yo. Absolutely understandable.

MIL has overheard this and taken issue with it, then punished him for not apologising? What in the hell should he be ‘apologising’ for?!

They sound batshit, my kids would not be going back and I’d be telling PIL exactly why.

Green56 · 29/08/2023 12:36

I feel sorry for your DS (especially) and your DD. I think the grandparents couldn’t cope and were mean to your kids. I am with your DH and certainly wouldn’t leave the kids with them again, their loss. Maybe do something fun the 4 of you (day trip/board game and takeaway) and laugh it off.

I have found if an adult has reservations with their own parents and doesn’t have a warm relationship there usually is a good reason.

Crunchymum · 29/08/2023 12:36

It feels like a very overzealous punishment for the "crime".

Well done to your MIL as I am sure that is the last time your DS (and DD) are ever going to want to willingly visit her.

I have a 5yo, whilst it's always nice if her older cousins play with her and give her a little attention they aren't ever expected to look after her.

BlueBlubbaWhale · 29/08/2023 12:38

Unreasonable to expect two teenagers to entertain a 5 year old all day and evening. Unreasonable to tell them off for needing some space and unreasonable to send them home like that. Don't send them again. Poor kids.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/08/2023 12:38

UnctuousUnicorns · 29/08/2023 11:30

Using food, withdrawal of food, exclusion at mealtimes etc. as punishment is a complete no no, imo. Absolutely wrong.

Edited
Show quote history

100% agree with this.

The grandparents are certainly not coming out of this situation smelling of roses. There's more of a manure smell coming from their general direction!

CoteDOpale · 29/08/2023 12:39

Also seconding the posters who said STAND UP FOR THEM.

Your children will remember and thank you for it. Too much is left unsaid in the interest of ‘peacekeeping’.

BlueBlubbaWhale · 29/08/2023 12:40

2Rebecca · 29/08/2023 12:26

Why does a 5 year old get to decide how many teenagers play with her? Your teenagers are daft for not just refusing to go along with that. It sounds very dysfunctional, why are their wants/ needs regarded by them and the adults as being less important than a small childs?

It sounds like they didn't dare for fear of being told off. I mean they were sent home for just saying they'd like a break, let alone refusing to play!

DrMarshaFieldstone · 29/08/2023 12:41

I don't understand why a 5yo is being described as a toddler.

Regardless the GPs were clearly using the teens as babysitters and I don't blame them for deciding that they had had enough.

Magenta82 · 29/08/2023 12:41

It sounds like your children were used as babysitters and then shipped off when they complained to you. This is not OK. Your children should be able to talk to you about their feelings and your MIL was wrong to even listen, let alone get in a huff.

I think you should stop trying to facilitate contact, your DH has more experience of them and should be allowed to manage that relationship.

ihadamarveloustime · 29/08/2023 12:41

I'm glad your husband has backed your children and told off his parents. Sounds like he was right to have limited contact with them in the first place.

Yalta · 29/08/2023 12:42

Your mil and fil sound like they have no awareness of how to look after children, whether 5 year olds or teens

How old are your husbands parent?

Could your sister/brother in law be actively campaigning to alienate your family and be the ones who are named in pils will.
It doesn’t take a genius to work out that pil wouldn’t be looking after their 5year old to give teens a rest from the incessant need to play and it wouldn’t be long for it all to kick off and the teens were sent home and a row between adults would follow

VeronicaSawyer89 · 29/08/2023 12:42

DataColour · 29/08/2023 11:18

When they said they were going into eat, he was told to sit back down again and they ate without him, but he did eat dinner eventually after they had finished.

I'd be fucking apoplectic at this! Punishing a child for not being a slave and then withholding food!

Jk987 · 29/08/2023 12:43

Not allowed a break from playing with 5 yr old cousin? Playing until 10pm with no breaks? 5 yr old staying up until 10pm? This sounds EXTREME!

Then your son doesn't get any dinner and they both get sent home!

This is not right at all. It's really odd and very unkind of the in laws.

Yalta · 29/08/2023 12:44

DrMarshaFieldstone
I don't understand why a 5yo is being described as a toddler

i think it is because the 5year old is incredibly immature for even a 5 year old

Enthusedeggplant · 29/08/2023 12:45

Your poor DH - can’t imagine his childhood was that much fun

AcrossthePond55 · 29/08/2023 12:47

@DataColour

I think now DH will be NC with his parents for this for quite a while. It was me who was instigating contact with them.

I think that if your DH preferred to keep the relationship with his parents on the 'cool' side or non-existent YW a wee bit U to encourage/instigate it. And it appears he had good reason for wanting it that way. I believe that if a loved one declares LC/NC, it needs to be respected even if I don't agree with it. It is their relation/friend and they get to determine the dynamics of the relationship.

At 13-14 I would have considered it hell on earth to have to entertain one of my nieces or nephews from dawn til dusk, so I don't blame your DS for getting fed up. And frankly, I don't see that anything he said deserved a 'telling off' in the first place, unless he was using bad language or calling his cousin or his GP names. As far as I'm concerned, your MiL was the one who was out of line and completely overreacted.

Your iLs are the big losers here. They could have used this to rebuild a good relationship with your family, but instead they've lost their DGC and reinforced to their DS that he doesn't want anything to do with them.

Puffypuffin · 29/08/2023 12:49

I imagine your DS acted as most 14 year old boys would when expected to babysit a 5.year old for hours on end, no matter how much they love the child. They used your kids as babysitters to make it easier for themselves and the withdrawal of food etc then sending them home early is ridiculous. They have probably fractured their relationship with your children for good now and I wouldn't expect them to be in a hurry to see their grandparents again either.

My DS can be a pain in the arse sometimes (as most 15 year olds can) and I have no issue with MIL telling him off if he deserves it. But he rang her last week and asked if she needed any shopping as he would get it for her as she lives in a village with no shop. He went to our shop, bought what she needed and cycled over to hers (about 8 miles). She called him 'thick' for getting the wrong flavoured jam, didn't invite him in for a drink or anything and sent him on his way. I am absolutely backing him on this one.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/08/2023 12:50

I'm delighted that your DH has stood up to his parents and been there for his kids in this situation.

I also think that a phone call (rather than a thank you card, but I get the sentiment behind the suggestion of sending it), saying that your children are not to be used for unpaid childcare, even of their cousin, to have food withheld from them and to not be given a break in minding their cousin. Even in the strictest of childcare settings, childminders are allowed a break. Lastly, if this was being suggested as a 'holiday' for their grandchildren, it was under false pretences and they have significantly damaged whatever fragile relationship they would have had with their grandchildren going forwards but there was nothing that happened, based on what your children have said to you that happened, that was rude or required sending the children home early.

Womblegreen · 29/08/2023 12:50

Your poor children, getting the blame for older generations laziness and lack of parenting and guidance. I would be telling the GPS how disappointed you are and how hurt the children are by their actions and then I would be going VLC.

WhalePolo · 29/08/2023 12:51

Hang in so the dynamics of this @DataColour is that they are the in laws, and the 5 year old is their daughter’s child.

I’m afraid I’m so many cases the GP’s see their son’s wife as the ‘one to criticise’ whereas their own daughter is ‘gold’. I suspect that’s what is going on here. Wrong, shit and I think you need to reassure your children.