To not be happy to be gifted >1 million pounds

[HiltonKeynes]

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

One of the reasons I posted was to see if people just think I should shut up and count my blessings.

Well I imagine in the current climate (or any climate really) you could have reached that fairly logical and common sense conclusion by yourself.

Anyway, my thoughts are, I wonder if they feel very touchy and defensive about their son who has obviously been a bit of a worry to them and they'll be disappointed in how his life has turned out. They know you work and are not totally reliant on their generosity, but as his wife you still benefit hugely from the perpetual financial propping up of their son. Perhaps they enjoy taking smal, passive aggressive pot shots at you as a way of feeling a bit less shit about their son. The comments about expensive shampoo or whatever, might be to remind you that you should never forget how different your life might be if it were not for them.

Or it could just be a generational thing. If you are spending 40 quid a pop on bottles of Philip Kingsley or whatever, they might just see that as an unbelievable extravagance that they don't understand. They come from a generation where there wasn't the range and choice we have now. Beauty and personal grooming wasn't the massive industry it is today and they probably just don't understand the need when bog standard shampoo (in their eyes) will do the same job.

Fair point. That still doesn't mean that a SIPP is necessarily the only/best way to invest the money.

People are acting as though unless it is in a specific pot labelled "pension", the £1m doesn't give him any financial security, which is nonsense. He has financial security in spades, provided he's sensible.

Did you read the OP? Where does the op ask for advice about what to do with a windfall. Her question is about how to handle the apparent strings that are attached and the comments from her in laws.

You can only gift your child £3000 per year tax free, HMRC rules.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up

These are very sensible values imo.

To put it bluntly, they won’t consider you as equals until/unless you stop taking handouts (which probably includes paying back what you’ve already taken).

Of course, even then, they would still make occasional annoying comments about the income/wealth disparity - but you can then always say that’s a choice etc, there’s more to live than money etc. But now, whether it’s fair or not, they don’t view you as equals.

That's for Inheritance tax and only applies if you die within 7 years, which will probably be one of the reasons these parents want to do it early.

You are entitled to feel emotions other than unequivocal glee. The ILs judge you for how you spend your money and now they have given you a vast amount of money so they can judge you further.

But, let's be realistic. You have been put in an enormously privileged position. The average person could graft hard for 40 years and wouldn't see a million pounds in their bank account, even if they spent none of it. You and your DH have been given all of that money entirely for free. You have literally won a lottery jackpot.

The correct response is to punch the sky, even with gritted teeth, and crack on.

Thanks for the responses, everyone. They're really helpful, even the "unkind" ones. Based on the overall opinion, I have taken all the sensible steps and need to suck it up.

Smile and nod..

'Don't worry about us dear MIL / FIL.. I have a perfectly satistactory career with pension provision, that many families in the UK live and retire on. We are a partnership and support each other. It may not be your set up but it works fine for us. "

If they then say.. oh well, you don't need our money then... 'It's your money, you can choose how to spend it.. we have no claim on it'.

Of course that runs the risk that they take offence and leave it all to the Conservative party... so if that is the case and you are not willing to run that risk then maybe..

'We appreciate all you do for us, dear MIL / FIL.. thank you.. can I get you another cup of tea?'.. might be the way to go...

How often do you see them? Lots of people have in laws who are annoying in some way but at least these ones have given you a million quid and you seem to otherwise like them. I would try and ignore it as best you can or when they mention something just change the subject in a really noticeable way.

How are you going to manage without him having a pension? Did you see that tv programme last night about the life cycle of snails? How are you going to manage without him having a pension? Did you know that the GCSE pass rates went from x to y this year?

Are you always such a horrible person?

We have been in a similar situation OP, so I do get where you are coming from.

Where money is given, however genuinely kind and well meaning, there is always an element of control (usually in the form of helpful 'suggestions') as sure as night follows day. We even turned down a very kind offer because of this, which is quite nice to do.

In the final analysis it's a bloody good problem to have, and I think you do just have to learn to ignore the comments and brush up some good ways to close down any conversations you don't want to have. Don't make the problem worse by feeling guilty.

Yes. We do. Aside from the snarkers who want to be able to shout their privilege and get asspats for it.

Oh, is there? Ds1 got a chunky house deposit and precisely zero suggestions.

Just suck it up. It’s not unusual for the comfortably off and, in this case, extremely wealthy to be extremely miserly about the most trivial things. They’re nothing special in this regard!

It's all sensibly put away. ISAs and premium bonds etc.

You say they've transferred you the money, but under current rules you can only put £50K total in premium bonds and £20K annually into ISAs. That's per person so let's call it £140K between you and your DH.

So what are you doing with the other £860K?

I hope it's not all in a current account OP. You need to spend some of that loot to get some decent financial advice.

Wrong. The 7 year rule applies to gifts of up to £300,000. The 3k per year is outside that.

Well, there was that movie where Demi Moore had to make a decision or not whether to spend money be night with Robert Redford for a million dollars (but much more than todays money as I think it was 80’s from memory). Wouldn’t have personally been a conundrum, but they managed to spin a movie out on the premise. Your situation - meh.

Ignore those posters OP. You are entitled to post about this. There appears to be a lot of jealous people on this thread.

Can you show me the link because if that's right, my understanding is obviously very wrong.

Why? What makes the OPs post any less valid than the next person's? Contrary to mumsnet belief the whole country is not starving and using food banks. Many people are financially fine and have just as much right as anyone else to ask a question. It is good to see that there are plenty of actual grown ups giving solid good advice and the childish comments ate in the minority.

Ignore the shampoo comments. It sounds like they are projecting onto you.

Another way to look at it is that they know DH's mental health is suffering, so they wanted to take the 'what if?' burden off you both and give him a fresh start, as well as avoiding inheritance tax. The fact he is studying for a qualification and a change in career shows courage and resilience. Good luck!

Is it jealousy though? Anyone can say they're anyone on the internet.

I think it's more a dislike of humble bragging threads, I prefer it when people admit they are full to bursting with their good news and just want to tell someone, anyone. And I'll happily share their excitement. Often those threads get hundreds of people saying congrats, so I son't think it's jealousy.

While the scenario you mention is awful and shouldn't happen it does not make the OPs question anybless valid. It's not a race to the bottom.