To not be happy to be gifted >1 million pounds

[HiltonKeynes]

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

Thats shocking.
Assuming you lent her money.

The DH is financially secure for life due to that money already, whether it's in a "pension" or not. It's invested in various ways, which is fine.

He wouldn't get much tax relief if he put it in a pension, because your annual allowance is linked to your earnings, and he isn't earning. So what exactly would be the benefit of putting it in a "pension" as opposed to ISAs and other investments?

If I had grown a successful business and had cash to share I would 100% want my kid to benefit. Who wouldn't?? Should someone else get the money instead of their own family?

Maybe they are a bit conflicted about their DS not working (maybe they don't fully understand his issues who knows) and it sounds like they want you to have the money but still make sensible provision for the future.

Buy a house, invest what you don't need to live and yes let it take some earning pressure off your DH if his mental health is impacting his ability to work.

In terms of the comments I think you just have to grin and bear it. We get much worse from in-laws who actually think we should be contributing to their holidays in retirement believe it or not!

Also I have no idea why posters are so rude. If you don't like the idea of someone having more money than you then move on and don't engage.

The limit on premium bonds is £50k, so it's impossible for them to have invested a "significant portion" of a million pounds in them.

OP, take the money, be thankful, and try to understand what it is that your in-laws really want. My guess would be that they want to know that you're going to respect and look after this money the same way they have. To invest it, benefit from it, but not blow it and not check out and retire very early because of it. Continue to work, save, invest as you would, but also live a more care free lifestyle, have a nicer house, go on some nicer holidays. If you have kids, they'll want to know you can provide your kids with the same kind of financial security that you have, at the right time and in the right way.

Try and get your financial goals aligned with your husbands. Being retired very early and watching all the pennies to eek the money out as long as possible is certainly no sure fire way to solve MH issues. Being financially secure and allowing yourselves to both explore the kind of work you want to do for the next 10-15 years.

HNRTT - Perhaps try not to take it personally - at the risk of sounding like an amateur psychologist, they may be emotionally struggling with their expectations of their only child and his inability to have coped without them and you financially. Hence what might really be ' how would he have provided for himself and retirement without them and you...' repeated questions. The fact that they keep saying similar things and getting the same answers shows it might not be about wanting an answer.

That said, I suppose you could risk reframing how you've answered them (after they gift the money) the next time they ask to -

I know DH torments himself that he feels he's not been able to cope in his original more lucrative career and provide for himself and his family and feels a failure which is why he wants to retrain and make a success to himself in an alternative career. We've been able to cope using the returns on investments you've funded and my income and live frugally. We would have had to manage living expenses and retirement with that or even if essential to have cut our cloth to live off my income if you hadn't worked hard and saved and been in a position to help. Many people without family support have to cut their cloth. Your gifts to DH have really improved his and our circumstances. We'll carry on trying to live frugally but my priority is to support DH to try and be resilient and make the best of his retraining and new career. I know he is grateful for your support as am I. Thank you.

Try to avoid it sounding in any way like criticism of your DH or them hence make it about how your DH feels.

Then try to let what they say be like water off a duck's back.

Take it, buy a lovely house and let your DH do his course and few better.

So many people wait for parents to die for inheritance and then they’re 70 themselves. I think it’s great they are passing on their good fortune now and not waiting whilst it will actually help you. There’s so many threads about people struggling and wealthy parents not helping as it’ll pass on when they die and just sits in a bank account until then. Maybe you’re reading too much into what they are saying die to your thoughts? That you’d be happy if it was an inheritance not a gift? Same thing?

I think the problem is that they are conflicted by what they have done. This is very common with wealthy people or first-gen immigrants who worked extremely hard for their wealth and then see the second-generation not working so hard, and being gifted that money. Being gifted enough to live on and more makes people not have to work so hard in the present. This is actually convenient for you given your husband's MH issues, but it may also be in a way they are being perpetuated- he's not working, which is bad for his mental health and also eats at his self-esteem (hence his 'I'm sorry I'm a failure'). Lots of children of wealthy celebs, second-gen immigrants, 'fail' in this way because they don't have that drive to make something of themselves, in that extreme way their parents do, and if they have problems like MH they are not driven to overcome them by just needing to work.

I would avoid all talk of money with in-laws, some great ideas on how to divert the conversation. They are guilty they have enabled their son and that's what all this talk is about. For some reason you are all treating him like a child, and he needs to feel adult pride in himself, so ignore his parents, the money is given no, tell him to get this studying sorted, and encourage/push him to achieve something so he can have internal pride in himself (like you would with a teenager). Get him a decent therapist. Being a 'failure' works for him right now, he gets money, a supportive wife, you work, not much is expected of him- that has to change.

Ignore those who are jealous, money is the root of all evil and if being rich made people happy, we would have noticed by now.

Maybe they are just expressing their worries about DH future - I'd probably work on letting comments roll of you - have a set reply - they may just want reassurance he'll be okay once they pass that someone has thought about the future.

I'm reading it as they have transferred the money - so at least it's not future promises of wealth to keep you dancing to their tune.

I'd buy a house outright and reassure them subtly that mean there is spare to put away for the future and that you are both financially responsible.

I believe there are also annual limits on contributions to ISAs (I’m not in the UK), and yet OP says the money is in ISAs and premium bonds. Let’s hope she and her DH get some good financial advice.

I get it. I have some money and I have young adult children who haven't really applied themselves as I'd hoped (yet). They've never needed to, despite my best attempts not to "spoil" them, they've had life very easy and know that there'll always be a safety net. I worry about that for them because I know a great deal of my own sense of wellbeing and self esteem comes from my achievements and knowing that what I have I earned myself. OTOH I'm not going to see DC suffer when I have the means to avoid it and ultimately, on way or another, what else am I going to do with the money?

I still think they'd be happier supporting themselves properly though.

Honestly...I'd pour my Paul Mitchell shampoo into a supermarket own brand bottle and keep my mouth shut

I was going to rather cattily say are your diamond shoes too tight?!

But I actually know a few children of wealthy parents who basically don’t have to worry about money as their parents are/were very wealthy/successful and the children, some of them, have struggled with not being as successful as their parents. Yes, they’ll inherit hugely or have benefitted so far very well, huge handouts with the usual conditions your iL’s have or not.

One man right now is literally sitting on loads of properties, was widowed yet his children whilst not struggling could probably do with the money and his grandchildren will need help to buy a home. Yes they’ll get it eventually but you do wonder why it’s being held onto now?

I’d just take the money and keep quiet about it.

Agree absolutely. With bells on.

My in laws wouldn’t have a clue what shampoos were expensive and which ones weren’t! What do you use?!

Happy for you but you need to piss off with this. It’s like salt a wound to some of us.

I have noticed in some cases, children of people who are “poor” or from less privileged backgrounds that these children have often worked harder to get where they are, simply because there’s no hand outs or inheritances, or very little.

This.

And if you haven't made retirement provision for yourselves using your salary/employer contributions and his parents' gifts, then what are you doing?

I also think gifting money and then making remarks about expensive shampoo are not great to live with, ultimately if you are gifted money, you want to use it.

My diamond shoes are firmly on, but only because my husband died young. A million pounds wouldn't be enough price to get him back and no-one else comes close.

'Lucky' you, you have a husband with MH problems who has been unemployed for years and has v low self-esteem, that doesn't sound that lucky to me.

Be kind, to them, to him, to you. But push him forward, tell him you've always believed in him, and now's his time to shine.

He is earning, he's got the income on £1m invested

I get it OP. Money is useful, necessary - and if you have enough of it, as you will with this gift, it buys choice and freedoms. However money (especially gifted money) can also be really complicated... It can also be about control and that can feel quite uncomfortable.

Ignore all the sarcastic comments. I suspect if those posters were actually in your shoes and fully understood all the nuances of the relationships involved, they may understand why you feel as you do. You don't sound ungrateful to me, you clearly understand how lucky you are to be in this situation, doesn't mean you can't feel as you do about it.

Exactly, well said. For every person struggling there will be others who are not. It is a perfectly valid question. So sick of any thread about money bringing out the poor taste, read the room, people are starving comments. There were even comments like that on the investments board at one point.
The people who come on saying stuff like that just come across as very immature.
Just accept that everyone has different income levels and that does not make their question or concern any less valid then anyone else.

Being gifted that kind of money, especially while still early 40s, is extremely rare/fortunate. As you say, you could pretty much retire on to if you chose to live reasonably frugally.

His comments could simply be coming from their different perspectives on wealth - to them 800k or whatever it is is a nice bit of rainy day money or money for a decent house. But perhaps they don’t considerate it a two people live on for the next 40 years kind of money.

I think if you’re not very well off, but you accept £800k as a gift, you just need to tolerate the odd annoying comment. By accepting the gift (which is asnearly as much as many couples can earn, never mind save, in a lifetime) you’ve allowed them a position of taking a sort of intellectual/authority judgement over your lives unfortunately. I don’t think that’s avoidable.

Grow up, you sound like a jealous child.

If it is having such a strange effect on you maybe you should go and read a different thread instead of making yourself look daft on this one.