To think my friend was not BU in this cafe situation?

[TicketsThisWayForTheChatsworthExpress]

My friend runs a small independent cafe that is dog friendly but the dogs have to be outdoors. Over the weekend, a family of six people came in with 2 dogs and were directed outside. The tables outside are picnic benches that seat 10, inside the tables seat six (they’re all the same size). The family went outside and took 2 picnic benches. Which annoyed my friend as that’s depriving potential customers of a bench but she let it go and said nothing.

She noticed one of the children, a boy aged about 8, having a tantrum outside because he doesn’t like eating outdoors and wants to eat indoors. Next thing she knew, his mum had brought him inside and sat him at the last available table (with an iPad blasting). She asked my friend if his order could come to that table as he doesn’t like eating outside so she said he could come in and eat alone.

My friend said she couldn’t allow this, because they don’t allow children to eat and drink unsupervised for health and safety reasons (they’d also ordered the child a hot drink). The outside area is down a large set of steps so they couldn’t have seen him from the garden. The mum said he has ADHD and doesn’t like to eat outside. My friend - who also has a DS with ADHD BTW - said sorry no we can’t take the risk of him eating alone. What she didn’t say but wanted to was ‘You’d also be taking up three tables when you should only be taking up one and I shouldn’t have to turn customers away because of this’.

Anyway she dug her heels in and the mum gave in and went back outside, the 8yo had a (small) tantrum outside and played his iPad full blast for the duration of their meal (he was asked by another waitress to turn it down which he did a fraction).

When the family paid the mum said she would be posting reviews online to say that the cafe owner is ableist and wouldn’t accommodate the needs of a disabled child. My friend said nothing, and nothing has appeared as of yet online, but she’s gutted about this accusation especially with her DS having ADHD. She said she’d never let her ADHD DS eat alone because actually the risk of him being hurt would increase greatly.

AIBU to think it’s not about ableism but about health and safety? I feel really bad for her!

I've heard it all now, she would leave her son inside alone after listing reasons for SEN? Entitled beyond belief! YANBU for your friend. As a parent of a child with difficulties it is WE who take responsibility and allow others to enjoy their meals, no loud tablets, no expectation of special provisions, we prepare for and manage situations. Honestly, some people!

Oh FFS. If they were that bothered, they would have gone somewhere nearby that let dogs inside. All this drama on this thread, when it's obvious that the family wanted all their own way.

They want the dogs inside, their son wants to be inside. GO SOMEWHERE INSIDE THEN.

OP, your friend was definitely not being unreasonable and this thread is not doing your blood pressure any favours.

Honestly people these days really piss me off. If I don’t get my own way i will complain, even if I’m wrong. The owner had more patience than she should, when did entitled parents children become societies issue?! Sorry rant over. In answer to the question she did everything she could to be accommodating, if they write a bad review respond by saying leaving a child unattended in any situation when the parent chooses not to sit with them is unacceptable and should never be left alone for various reasons which I cannot list because the list is endless!!! Starting with stranger danger and ending with choking!

ADHD isn't a particularly disabling condition compared to others, so I'd say that the mum of that child is fundamentally wrong to claim that.

Neurodiversity is not the same as disability - for example it's not a qualifying condition for a disabled badge.

I'm all for levelling up but if everyone demands special treatment for every quirk, it means there is resentment against special accommodations for genuinely disabled people.

Your friend’s cafe doesn’t sound friendly at all, let along dog friendly. If the cafe was advertised as dog friendly but wasn’t I’d be writing that in a review, let alone the lack of accommodation to how many tables a family is or isn’t allowed to use. I agree with other posters that the message to the mum should have been that the child would have been welcome to eat indoors with a supervising adult.

WTAF?

It absolutely can be disabling - and neurodiversity isn’t a “quirk”

Thats one of the most ignorant posts I’ve read on here for a while, and at the moment that’s saying something!.

Sorry but other customers should not be required to put up with dogs whilst they are eating. Many garden centres now seem to accept dogs and most of the ones we use have a separate indoor area where dogs are allowed. You can't bring your dog into the main part of the cafe where the food is served. I think that's a reasonable compromise - you can't take a dog in a supermarket after all (unless it's assistance)

You’ve had the patience of a saint @cinnamonfrenchtoast. I’d have been out after the first couple of posts 😂. Wish everyone in customer service roles were like you 😊

Why post asking if someone was unreasonable and the argue with everyone’s answers?

Being partially sighted doesn't qualify me for a blue badge either but I never knew that made it a quirk rather than a genuine disability 🙄

That's not a dog friendly cafe,& I think your friend is blurring the boundaries by saying that it is.
I would also have suggested that someone sit with the child rather than just 'no he can't sit by himself'.
I don't think it's unreasonable to not want a child supervising himself'but that wasn't really the question was it? It's don't think your friend handled things well.

Eh? What is this gibberish

Agreed

Of course ADHD can lead to a blue badge, depending on the severity. What an idiotic post. ADHD is a quirk? What, like being left handed or having an usual blood group?

No getting away from it. Not dog friendly at all.

How many people with ADHD have a blue badge, seriously? Maybe as part of a complex set of other co-morbidities, but on its own?

I'm really shocked by this. I have ADHD by the way.

If anyone has failed to accommodate the needs of a disabled child, it’s the child’s own parent. Who couldn’t sit with him because they own dogs. Whose needs they seem to have put first. I’d love to read this review she’s threatened to post, and how she would explain this bit. I mean why couldn’t someone else mind the dogs?

It would be useful if you could explain why you use the blue badge as a differentiator between quirk and disability in the first place?

Dog friendly to me means dogs allowed inside

I agree. I avoid those places as I don't like dogs.

The woman was being completely ridiculous though.

Neurodiversity is not the same as disability - for example it's not a qualifying condition for a disabled badge.

Neurodiversity covers a huge range of conditions, needs and abilities. My friend’s autistic son has a Blue Badge because of the risks involved in him crossing car parks, running off, etc. He is non verbal, has no sense of danger, cannot follow instructions, no control at all, really.

And I presume you would have no issue accepting that my profoundly deaf friend is disabled. But her deafness does not qualify her for a Blue Badge.

Autism, absolutely. Profound deafness, yes obviously. Blindness, yes. This is like a comedy sketch now. "I suppose you think I'm not disabled enough with no legs....blind....learning disabilities.."

No, and I never said that.

You're all staying the bleeding obvious and putting words into my mouth that I have not said. I have ADHD , I know it extremely well. I'm just saying that ADHD on its own isn't the same as a disability. If you put in a review that a cafe "refused to accommodate a disabled child", you all know that someone reading that would assume it was something much more sinister.

For background my best friend is partially sighted and deaf. She can't obviously drive but has a disabled badge for her carers so they can get her close to where she needs to be. struggles a lot to get people to recognise her need for reasonable adjustments, and I'm very very aware of the ableism that prevents disabled people from accessing what they need.

I'm horrified that people here are comparing the very real struggle of someone with major needs to someone with what sounds like a mild degree of neurodiversity. That's grossly unfair to people who have a genuine need for adjustments.

Yes, it can be a disability. Many parents I know get DLA for their children with ADHD. I'm appalled that anyone would describe this as just a 'quirk'.

@TicketsThisWayForTheChatsworthExpress

I think both parties ABU because people can behave a bit unreasonably when they’re stressed and frustrated.

Could your ‘friend’ maybe look at it from the perspective of a potentially stressed parent. Spending the day wrangling kids and dogs, everyone’s hungry and cranky, you finally find a dog friendly tolerant place to eat with space to accommodate you all, not easy in a busy tourist town during the school holidays, and then your ND child starts to protest about eating outside so you find them a spot and hope for the best only to be told they can’t sit alone? Who do you then direct your frustration at? The cafe owner who’s just told you this! Of course it’s not ideal or appropriate to leave an 8 year old alone. Of course I can’t know how much of this is true but as a parent with a dog and a ND child days out/holidays aren’t always plain sailing or as relaxing as you’d like them to be so we can take an educated guess that this wasn’t a standalone incident in an otherwise perfect day for this parent.

Your friend won’t have seen the rest of their day in the same way this parent is unlikely to be thinking about how many tables the family have taken up and what the implications are for the business owner. Empathy and compassion don’t necessarily mean ‘giving in’ or pandering to the customer but it can mean expressing understand of someone’s predicament, at least pretending to take an interest, and helping to come up with a solution.

I guess if it’s in a tourist town your friend is less reliant on repeat custom so their relationship with clients is less important but imagine if they manage to get a great reputation on Trip Advisor for being inclusive, understanding and dog, family and disability tolerant friendly?

Let her leave a review. However she words it, will make her look slightly bonkers

there’s usually the option for business owners to reply to batshit reviews

@anon666 google ‘is ADHD a disability?’ and see what happens. whether you identify yourself as disabled or not it doesn’t stop it being a disability. Also, I’m assuming you’re an adult, not an 8 year old