Page 7 | to not take grandson to nursery every day

ncgran · 2023-08-28T07:48:20+00:00

I work part-time and have a gorgeous grandson who is 7 months. I would be happy to look after him a couple times a week while DD is at work but can't really do more than that and she has asked if I would divide those hours to daily and take and pick up from nursery instead. She works from 6am-1pm and will be going back to work soon. The half days at nursery are from 7-12 and so she would like to drop him off to me for 5:30 and pick up at 1.30 and have me take and pick up from nursery. Does anyone know if they can do a bit longer at nursery and she can pick him up from there? or are they actually quite strict on this? The days I can't do, DH could honestly drop him off (would probably be once a week) but then we are doing 5 mornings a week... I know it sounds mean and we obviously adore them both but that is a lot to be tied to but she is a single parent and we want to help where we can and I would love to come to a compromise but know very little about nursery hours etc so any suggestions would be fab

Snugglemonkey · 28/08/2023 10:15

WantingToEducate · 28/08/2023 08:55

I doubt childminders will accept a 5.30am drop off either.

I’ve always used childminders and the earliest drop-offs I was allowed were at 7am.

That’s not to say early drop-off childminders aren’t out there so you’re daughter may have to do some digging deep to find one.

I also feel sorry for the baby who is going to woken up at 5am every morning 😢

I know it must be extremely hard as a single parent but your daughter really needs to look at changing her shift patterns because her current set-up just doesn’t seem feasible long term.

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This ^ her working pattern does not fit with small children.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 10:15

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 10:12

You’ve got the time wrong. It’s 5.30am not 4.30am. The grandparents can wake up at 5.20am. It’s only half an hour to nursery and then half an hour afterwards. The point I made was what happens when the dgs is sick or the nursery is closed? I’d be helping my kids out on that arrangement. It won’t be forever as hopefully the shift hours will change.

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There’s no way most people would want to get up ten minutes beforehand! I’d want to eat, dress and shower before.

The OP doesn’t want to do it, so attempting to minimise the impact it would have on her everyday life really isn’t helping.

LittleBearPad · 28/08/2023 10:16

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 10:12

You’ve got the time wrong. It’s 5.30am not 4.30am. The grandparents can wake up at 5.20am. It’s only half an hour to nursery and then half an hour afterwards. The point I made was what happens when the dgs is sick or the nursery is closed? I’d be helping my kids out on that arrangement. It won’t be forever as hopefully the shift hours will change.

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It’s only 5.20…

You're being ridiculous - do you get up at 5.20 every day to look after someone else’s child? Would you?

Original poster

ncgran · 28/08/2023 10:16

can you force child support money? they were actually in a good relationship but when she refused to terminate he was long gone and deeply blamed her for ruining his life they are completely no contact

OP posts:

PerspiringElizabeth · 28/08/2023 10:17

Just to say you sound like a really lovely mum & grandma who is being very rational and willing to help and supportive. Glad to know those exist! Hope you can all find a pleasing solution.

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 10:18

rookiemere · 28/08/2023 10:09

@ButterCrackers agreed of course the F should be stepping up to parent his own child. But OP can hardly ask him to do it.

It’s a disgrace how these feckless dads can just get on easily with their lives with no thought or care for their child. Obviously if it’s a sperm donation or he has passed then my words don’t apply. The dads parents could also step in to help if he has parents who are alive and in health. It’s just not fair that the ops daughter has to sort it all out. She’s lucky to have her parents to help. I’d be helping but with boundaries in place on sickness and holidays.

TicTac80 · 28/08/2023 10:19

It sounds really hard. I feel for you (and your DD). I'm a single parent myself (no help from ex) and the juggle/struggle of trying to find childcare when you are doing shift work is very real (I'm an HCP working on an acute ward). In all the years I've been a parent, I have found just one CM that would do extended hours (06:30 to 20:30hrs), but I paid a huge amount for that, and kept it going for a year as it would have cost me more in the longterm if I had lost my prof registration. The nursery my DC went to covered 07:30 to 18:30. My shifts were 07:00 to 20:00.

Four years ago, I managed to negotiate so that I worked 08:15 to 17:30 on fixed days during term time. This was trialled for about 2-3 months, reviewed by management (and they said that it worked well, thank God), and I've been doing those hours since. I work normal shifts during school holidays (eldest is happy and able to safely watch youngest). My DC are now 16 and 10, so once the youngest is safely able to get to school and back independently/be able to be home alone for a couple of hours, I can go back to normal shifts during term time.

Moving away from the thread, I do think that there should be provision that covers shift work (the early starts and late finishes), because I know there are lots of us out there who work those shifts and are stuck. It gets me so cross that there is still such difficulty in getting robust childcare that covers shiftwork.

Forgive me if this has been asked already, but has your daughter been able to see if she could compress her FT hours into fewer days each week? That might make it easier? Maybe she and her DS could stay over at yours on the days she works, and then back to her place on the other days. I remember doing that when my parents were still here (they were happy for me to do that) and they'd do nursery drop off/pick up and school run. In return, I paid for a gardener and a cleaner for them. I also gave them housekeeping to cover the days we stayed there.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 10:19

ncgran · 28/08/2023 10:16

can you force child support money? they were actually in a good relationship but when she refused to terminate he was long gone and deeply blamed her for ruining his life they are completely no contact

Presumably she has already given his information to the CMS as part of her claim for support?

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 10:21

LittleBearPad · 28/08/2023 10:16

It’s only 5.20…

You're being ridiculous - do you get up at 5.20 every day to look after someone else’s child? Would you?

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If I was a grandmother absolutely I would. The child gets dropped off a 5.30am. The nursery starts at 6am. I’d be up and dressed in 10mins. Back home after the nursery drop off at 6.00am. I’d don’t know how far the nursery is but it all sounds local. So kettle on at 6.20am.

LittleBearPad · 28/08/2023 10:21

ncgran · 28/08/2023 10:16

can you force child support money? they were actually in a good relationship but when she refused to terminate he was long gone and deeply blamed her for ruining his life they are completely no contact

Yes - Child support can be required. If he won’t agree voluntarily then the Child Support Agency can require him to pay his share.

He can not have anything to do with the baby ever. However he has to pay for it.

If he’s PAYE this is easier as it can be confirmed with his employer. If he’s self-employed don’t be surprised if his income suddenly drops like a stone.

MrsJBaptiste · 28/08/2023 10:22

OP, could you do Monday as an early start and baby is dropped at yours at e.g. 5am. Then your DD and baby stay at yours on Tues/Wed/Thurs night so you can stay in bed and she goes off to work. Your DD is then at her own home on Fri/Sat/Sun night.

But I would only offer this is she was also going to look for another job, a shame as that would be in her current role but these hours are not sustainable for anyone.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 10:22

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 10:21

If I was a grandmother absolutely I would. The child gets dropped off a 5.30am. The nursery starts at 6am. I’d be up and dressed in 10mins. Back home after the nursery drop off at 6.00am. I’d don’t know how far the nursery is but it all sounds local. So kettle on at 6.20am.

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But the OP doesn’t want to do this every day and then work at the weekend. So it’s irrelevant how easy-peasy you’ve decided it would be for her.

Tiddlywinks63 · 28/08/2023 10:23

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 10:04

If I were you I would give it a go until better arrangements could be made. It might be fine

Yeah, OP-waking up at 4.30 every single day to do childcare and then working at the weekends MIGHT be fine, clearly you should just do it, despite not wanting to… 🙄

🙄 I sometimes wonder how many people actually read the opening post?
I wouldn’t do it OP, it’s one heck of an ask and effectively means that your day is dictated all week plus you work at weekends and a day a week (what would happen on that day?) leaving you with little time to yourself or to do whatever you want.
A compromise (that you’ve already considered and are reluctant to do) is having them stay a few nights a week, again a massive disruption.
I think that if her workplace won’t budge then finding a different job is obviously the only option. I presume she’s going to have to return to work her notice?
Good luck 🤞🏻

LittleBearPad · 28/08/2023 10:23

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 10:21

If I was a grandmother absolutely I would. The child gets dropped off a 5.30am. The nursery starts at 6am. I’d be up and dressed in 10mins. Back home after the nursery drop off at 6.00am. I’d don’t know how far the nursery is but it all sounds local. So kettle on at 6.20am.

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And I wouldn’t. I only get up that early for a flight or a vomiting/ill child.

I certainly wouldn’t do it 5 days a week as a grandparent.

ZadocPDederick · 28/08/2023 10:24

ncgran · 28/08/2023 09:07

no she is renting and she did look at UC/benefits and she said she would only get about £200 more a month if she stopped work vs her working and getting 2k from her work + UC thats only £200 less than not working, so she is 1.8k a month better off to work

DH isnt keen but DH is a bit of a grumpy git when it comes to helping out and its always me who does it anyway but i would obvious say he had to do his bit on the morning i couldnt but yes seems it may never actually get to that point and need to help dd figure something else out

I have to say I would be a VERY grumpy git if someone expected me to be up at 5 to look after their child.

CecilyP · 28/08/2023 10:24

CecilyP · 28/08/2023 10:03

Yes, that sounds like a more workable idea. That, or could she stay at OPs as a weekly commuter, rather than giving up her house. Staying from Sunday to Thursday night. That way she could leave a sleeping baby for OP to get up at a reasonable time. Then OP would not necessarily have to get the baby to nursery at 7 am either. Is it possible to pay for a nursery half day could run from 8 am to 1.30? That way the DD could pick up her DD herself.

This was in response to a PP asking whether, if there is an early shift, could there also be a late shift she could switch to.

MakeupTable · 28/08/2023 10:25

Could she not find an au pair. She then wouldn’t have nursery fees as the au pair would be looking after the baby instead. As the au pair would be living in, there would be no need for everyone to be up at 530.

user1492757084 · 28/08/2023 10:26

OP has indicated that she would like to help out if she can and not every day nor with very early drop offs.
That is why I suggested that the baby start the day at OPs until she felt like leaving for drop off and that OP only look after the baby on one other day or part there of.
If the child's mother picks him up four days per week at 2:00pm it might work out fine.
I like the idea of a child minder who can look after the baby for at least four of the days from 7 - 2.
Does the mother of the baby have a flat that would fit a lodger - say a female student with baby sitting experience who could take the baby to nursery every day in exchange for rent?
Then a mix of extra hours at nursery and grandmother or grandfather picking up the baby might work.
Can father pay for half the hours of child care?

Toddlerteaplease · 28/08/2023 10:28

5.30 am drop of five days a week. Err no!

CrackedChina · 28/08/2023 10:32

It doesn't sound like your daughter is doing as much as you to sort this out. It's unreasonable to expect grandparents to get up at 5 am. Has she even applied for the change of shift in writing? Or looked for other jobs? She seems to be assuming you'll give up your life to suit her.

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 10:33

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 10:22

But the OP doesn’t want to do this every day and then work at the weekend. So it’s irrelevant how easy-peasy you’ve decided it would be for her.

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Look at you with your over the top up at 4.30am start for the grandmother. Unless she has health issues that require an hour to manage then getting up an hour in advance is not necessary. It’s important to keep it real. Her daughter is reaching out for help. Hopefully the dad can be made to support his child. If not then that’s what family is for when you have a close family. The grandmother is entitled to refuse to help. No one can make her help her daughter and gs. It sounds as though the situation is temporary as the shift hours could change. Perhaps the daughter can help her parents with a kind action such as going around the supermarket for them (obviously with the parents paying for their shopping) or taking and collecting them from places. Something to help. It works both ways.

miniegg3 · 28/08/2023 10:34

Surely she knew this wouldn't work while she's been off on maternity leave?

Unfortunately the baby isn't your responsibility even if you want to help out when you can. I totally agree with your husband and wouldn't be entertaining the idea, she needs to figure out a realistic plan which is changing her working hours, or place of work if that isn't possible

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 28/08/2023 10:34

This is crazy.

You've got a woman who is single-handedly raising her child whilst desperately trying to hold onto her job (& the workplace are being difficult about hours), GPs who are willing to help (though understandably a 5am alarm call Mon-Fri is a big ask) and the father has just pissed off and said "not my problem" 🤦🏻‍♀️

The CMS in this country is pathetic. The man was in a long term relationship (knowing with every sexual encounter there was a risk of pregnancy) yet when he impregnates her he and does zero to raise the child, nor does he financially contribute. Meanwhile the mum, grandparents and tax payers are scrabbling round, paying to make sure his child is adequately cared for.

He should be given the choice of child support payments or prison.

I know my post doesn't answer your OP, but it infuriates me that society is so man-centric that this shit just continues.

Batalax · 28/08/2023 10:34

5.30 am?
Hell that’s a big ask and then you’ll have commitment to have him in the middle of the day too. For 5 days a week.

I don’t think I could commit to that.

Thriwit · 28/08/2023 10:34

Has she actually asked about swapping to the late shift? That seems like the obvious short-term solution, while she looks for something days-based.
It’s possible she’s getting shift allowance at the moment though, so taking the same role but days could be a drop in money, plus the cost of full-time nursery (in the lab where I work, shift allowance is 20% extra).