to not take grandson to nursery every day

[ncgran]

I work part-time and have a gorgeous grandson who is 7 months. I would be happy to look after him a couple times a week while DD is at work but can't really do more than that and she has asked if I would divide those hours to daily and take and pick up from nursery instead. She works from 6am-1pm and will be going back to work soon. The half days at nursery are from 7-12 and so she would like to drop him off to me for 5:30 and pick up at 1.30 and have me take and pick up from nursery. Does anyone know if they can do a bit longer at nursery and she can pick him up from there? or are they actually quite strict on this? The days I can't do, DH could honestly drop him off (would probably be once a week) but then we are doing 5 mornings a week... I know it sounds mean and we obviously adore them both but that is a lot to be tied to but she is a single parent and we want to help where we can and I would love to come to a compromise but know very little about nursery hours etc so any suggestions would be fab

Okay!

I think this needs some tough love.

It's a very unreasonable request.

You won't be able to go away on holiday, you have your own job to do, (presumably that is afternoons or would your H step in when you work?)

If she gets child maintenance, that will give her more options regardless, but she needs to chase the ex no matter how hard that seems- it takes 2 to have a baby and it's his!

And she needs to tackle her employer via HR.

why would you assume i am elderly? i had dd at 26 which is really quite usual, most had them even younger back then!

Just because she can get child maintenance doesn't erase the issue of her needing childcare now.

She's not treating her mum badly, she's a single mother doing everything she can to support her child and still be in work. No doubt if she gave up work as a result of this issue everyone on here would be judging her for that too, and going on that she was an awful parent for being on benefits.

@MoreThanEnoughSoFar You can understand that not everyone shares your early morning joy of getting up at 4am?

FGS!

No. I never said that. But I would do it if it were my daughter and grandson. She's willing to let them stay at home so a noisy child would wake her anyway. This way the daughter has her own place and the baby in the weekends so I don't see the problem.

@MumToBeOf2 More money gives more options - maybe a live-in nanny.
Or maybe handing in her notice or getting a totally different job as a stop-gap until she finds one with more sociable hours. So yes, it would solve a lot of this and she's had months to sort it out.

Of course she is treating her Mum 'badly'.

Asking someone of 55 to get up at 5am daily is ridiculous. it's not as if it's once now and again- it would be for months or even years - however long it takes her to find a job.

She has had over a year to chase her ex, make a formal complaint against her company, and look for another job.

Agree.

a) Then ask the daughter to move in.
b) They can do that on the weekends.
c) I don't think a 7 month old baby will scare away guests.
d) Either bring the baby or tell the mother to take a week off work.

No one says they have to do this. I'm just saying that if it was someone from my family, and they didn't have a history of abusing my kind nature, I would be willing to do it for a couple of months.

And I would then expect my daughter to tell her workplace that she needed to be put on a different shift, or she would be forced to take an offer from another employer. It's a gamble, but I think her work really don't want to see her go, so she should simply say "I need a new shift. I'll give you a couple of weeks to come up with one or else I'll hand in my notice."

Worse case scenario: she's fired, she and baby moved back home, she takes care of it and the older generation can have a lie in.

She's asking her mum a favour.

Maybe she only just found out they refused to swap her shifts.

If he's not on the birth certificate it'll be hard to get the ball rolling, maybe she's had poor mental health.

For a mum who's struggling, the amount paid will not be enough to get a live in nanny. But that just shows the world some of you are living in.

The nursery my sister's children went to was 24 hours. It was near to a large hospital (with an A&E) and also had a lot of airport workers living locally.

Perhaps your daughter could see if there is a similar nursery in her locality?

She also needs to open a CMS case to get support from the child's father.

I don't think it's particularly fair to either you or the child to provide this care in the way your daughter has asked. If I were going to even think about agreeing to this I'd want the child to be sleeping at my house so that we can both wake at a sensible time and have a decent routine.

You might not have realised but it can be difficult to just get another job. She’s a new single mum. That’s a lot to manage. She’s tried to get other hours but now it’s down to the line and she needs childcare. As it is as the grandmother doesn’t want to help she’ll most likely need to move away to find a better job. Probably better for the gran as she’ll not be needed at all for childcare and will only see her grandson on the holidays - depending on how far away they are. It’s who you can rely on in moments of need that matters. The gran here doesn’t want to help - it won’t be for years. She could put a boundary in it such as until Christmas. The consequences have to be faced such as not having her daughter and grandson nearby.

Ah yes the old emotional blackmail angle- help me out at great detriment to your own life or you won't see your grandchild as much. Gross.

She is expecting her mum to provide free childcare from 5.30am every morning and pick up at lunchtime despite knowing for at least 7 month, potentially a year, that she had no plan in place. She hasn’t enquired if the nursery will have him later, hasn’t investigated childminders, hasn’t pursued the flexible working request, hasn’t claimed any maintenance from the father and hasn’t looked for any alternative jobs. She’s just expecting her mum to suck it up.

I’d say that yes, that is treating your mum pretty badly.

A single mother doing ‘everything she can’….?!

Nope-she found that out when she was pregnant.

Maybe try reading some of the OP’s posts.

She's working incredibly anti-social hours to keep her and her child afloat.

Like another poster has said, this nan doesn't need to worry for much longer, her daughter will likely have to move away to get a new job, and she'll never see her grandson because she can't be bothered to help out

I think you're projecting. Nothing OP has written suggests that her daughter is out to emotional blackmail her. She comes across as hard working and diligent, but someone who is in a pinch and has reached out perhaps without thinking about the effect her suggestion could have.

What rubbish!

The OP said she’d happily provide a couple of days childcare. She can’t provide what is being proposed though because it’s unreasonable.

There are loads of things the daughter could have done in the last year to make this situation less stressful for herself. She has chosen to do none of them and now expects her mum to pick up the slack.

@MumToBeOf2

are you one of those people who think that middle aged women just exist to facilitate others?

It’s perfectly understandable that you don’t want to do this, OP - and also that your DD is upset that you don’t just agree. Her upset will pass, especially when she realises that this is not a bald refusal to help. What you are saying to her, I suggest, is - we need to find a different solution, because the one you’ve proposed isn’t workable. But that doesn’t mean you are leaving her to sort it all out. There are other ways of helping beside the one she first thought of.

Some elements have already been outlined, including:

• a formal request to her employer for different hours, backed up by approaching ACAS so she is clear on her legal rights
• getting on to CMS - her ex should be contributing financially, and he will have to, however much he doesn’t want to be part of their lives

In addition:

• You mentioned you would be willing to have him 2 days a week - which means she only needs nursery 3 days. Has she included that in her financial calculation?
• She needs to try very, very hard to find an alternative to dropping him off with you at 5.30am on the days he goes to nursery. Like a childminder. Such may not exist - but SHE should be looking, and at the other suggestions as well, such as hospital nursery, overnight nanny etc.
• IF such can be found, then it will cost. But she will only be paying 3 days nursery not 5, and will (hopefully) have maintenance as well. And if that doesn’t quite cover the cost - would you and your DH consider meeting the difference, as an alternative to having to get up by 5.30am every week day?
• Also, if she paid for a full day rather than half a day, that would solve the pick-up problem, also at a cost.
• All of the above would, for me, be conditional on it being temporary - she needs to be actively looking for another job which enables all the routine childcare to be met by a nursery place. You could of course have him one or two days a week, if you are happy to do that - my sister does this with her own GC, as it facilitates a good relationship with them, which she enjoys. You could also be emergency cover if he’s ill and can’t go to nursery.

I know I haven’t covered everything - but what I’m saying is: rather than either give in or say No, approach this as a problem that you will work with her to find a solution to. Because she’s your daughter, and you love her and your DGS, and you want them both to be safe and happy - but you also need to have a life!

Here we go, the old "everyone's ageist and sexist against middle aged women"

I think mums should help their children, and not be obstructive and judgmental.

The only way this would work longterm would be to try and find a nanny otherwise it's not to the baby who will be having his sleep disturbed every night and this would only get more disruptive as he grows up.

@MumToBeOf2

it is pretty ageist and sexist to think that a woman should “help” their offspring no matter what cost to themselves and not be “obstructive” about it either - put up and shut up women!!

The OP is more than willing to help her child and no post she has written suggests she is either obstructive or judgemental.

She just Doesn’t intend to do 5.30am starts and lunchtime pick ups to suit her daughter who has made no efforts to make any other plan.

Or help a struggling, young, single mum out.

@MumToBeOf2

she has other options that don’t involve OP having to get up at 5.30am. It’s not fair on OP. Op may wanna go out on a random Tuesday night and have a few cocktails- she doesn’t wanna then be getting up at 5.30am , she’s had her time of sleep deprivation raising her daughter