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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take grandson to nursery every day

478 replies

ncgran · 28/08/2023 08:48

I work part-time and have a gorgeous grandson who is 7 months. I would be happy to look after him a couple times a week while DD is at work but can't really do more than that and she has asked if I would divide those hours to daily and take and pick up from nursery instead. She works from 6am-1pm and will be going back to work soon. The half days at nursery are from 7-12 and so she would like to drop him off to me for 5:30 and pick up at 1.30 and have me take and pick up from nursery. Does anyone know if they can do a bit longer at nursery and she can pick him up from there? or are they actually quite strict on this? The days I can't do, DH could honestly drop him off (would probably be once a week) but then we are doing 5 mornings a week... I know it sounds mean and we obviously adore them both but that is a lot to be tied to but she is a single parent and we want to help where we can and I would love to come to a compromise but know very little about nursery hours etc so any suggestions would be fab

OP posts:
Original poster
ncgran · 28/08/2023 14:02

LollipopChaos · 28/08/2023 13:59

Why can't the father help?

because he upped and left dd when she refused to terminate he wants absolutely nothing to do with either of them now

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 28/08/2023 14:02

ncgran · 28/08/2023 13:56

there is a late shift which operates for different departments in the lab but then they are on a rotation where its 2 weeks of each, no department there just has the late shift so even if she did request to move departments that does have a late shift, she would need to be on 2 weekly rotation which she isnt sure is any better at all

A friend of mine worked similar hours in a hospital so employed an au pair/nanny who lived at the house.

It worked well as the baby didn't have to be woken early, she could leave for work to start at 6am. The au pair then got the baby up, breakfast, play etc... until my friend got home about 2.30pm, and then the au pair had their own free time all afternoon.

She paid the au pair a small wage but obviously provided free accommodation and all food and bills paid for.

She also only had 2 bedrooms so the au pair slept in the single room and her baby shared with her.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 14:03

ncgran · 28/08/2023 13:50

sorry for the delay, yes the 1.8k better off is without nursery fees, she is still 1k better off working though.

we had a long phone call and she is very upset not really sure how she is going to cope, it is very sad to know she is trying and i do want to help but as everyone has pointed out, it cannot be with this job. i mentioned her doing the official flexi working request thing and she has said she thinks she will get no where as her manager was quite rude and "hates working mothers" and actually joked with her when she started the job about "don't be getting pregnant haha" which doesnt sound great... but clearly since then they have actually been accommodating because other ladies HAVE got the different shift, but then she is explaining not everyone has her manager.

yes she does have skills and has been working there for 8 years with a lot of skills in the industry (im afraid i dont know too much about it) but her degree is in biochemistry. she says its hard finding work though and people think there is loads of stem jobs and there just isnt as she wants to stay local to me (understandable as we can help if needed) but she said she is happy to take other jobs in different fields

her ex was always a pleasant lad and i think it was a huge shock to us all how he acted especially as he was always the first person to offer to help me and dh out!! very upsetting. i so feel for my dd.

How did your conversation go-what’s her plan going forward?

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 14:03

ncgran · 28/08/2023 13:50

sorry for the delay, yes the 1.8k better off is without nursery fees, she is still 1k better off working though.

we had a long phone call and she is very upset not really sure how she is going to cope, it is very sad to know she is trying and i do want to help but as everyone has pointed out, it cannot be with this job. i mentioned her doing the official flexi working request thing and she has said she thinks she will get no where as her manager was quite rude and "hates working mothers" and actually joked with her when she started the job about "don't be getting pregnant haha" which doesnt sound great... but clearly since then they have actually been accommodating because other ladies HAVE got the different shift, but then she is explaining not everyone has her manager.

yes she does have skills and has been working there for 8 years with a lot of skills in the industry (im afraid i dont know too much about it) but her degree is in biochemistry. she says its hard finding work though and people think there is loads of stem jobs and there just isnt as she wants to stay local to me (understandable as we can help if needed) but she said she is happy to take other jobs in different fields

her ex was always a pleasant lad and i think it was a huge shock to us all how he acted especially as he was always the first person to offer to help me and dh out!! very upsetting. i so feel for my dd.

Perhaps if she moved elsewhere she could get a better hours job (even full time) with hopefully more pay as she’s well qualified. It sounds difficult where she’ll be working. She should look at the childcare on offer in other towns/cities before taking another job and back up for when her child is sick/childcare holidays.

Mrsjayy · 28/08/2023 14:04

Is it her direct manager that sanctions her request to change shifts or would it be HR ?

ChampagneLassie · 28/08/2023 14:08

Can’t believe people saying your daughter is being “cheeky” @ncgran obviously has a good relationship and wants to help and daughter is in a bind. I doubt she’ll find any childcare willing to start before 6am without paying handsomely and it sounds like she’s not earning much and if you don’t help she’ll have to give up work. I’d suggest you do this to begin with to get her back into work but it’s not sustainable long term and she needs to either get better hours or find a different job.

moderndilemma · 28/08/2023 14:10

@ncgran I have helped to look after my dgc at various points. I found that it impacted on my relationship with my dc (dgc's parents). If for any reason - holiday, illness, unavoidable appointment etc - I couldn't provide care when I was supposed to, my dc was irritated (understandable). I also became a bit resentful that I had no sponteneity in my life, couldn't meet my friends for lunch, no last minute holiday breaks. We had to co-ordinate our holiday plans with dcs to ensure they could book time off work.

One term (when normal childcare arrangements changed unexpectedly) we did the pre-school care and school drop offs, meaning we were up at 6am every morning. It wasn't too bad in September when it was light in the morning, but it felt really hard on a cold wet dark November day. It felt like it dominated a lot of our life and we were glad when oother arrangements were in place.

I also suspect that whilst such early waking might be possible while your dgc is still very small, as they get older it will become more difficult, and when they reach nursery / school age, virtually impossible. So your dd is going to have to bite the bullet on changing her job / hours at some point.

It doesn't sound your your dh is on board either, and I think that will make it difficult.

CrackedChina · 28/08/2023 14:14

An au pair wouldn't be suitable in this situation. They are supposed to do very limited hours in return for pocket money, not have sole responsibility for a baby for 8 or 9 hours a day. Nobidy should be doing that work for a pittance.

DorasAuntie · 28/08/2023 14:14

because he upped and left dd when she refused to terminate he wants absolutely nothing to do with either of them now

That's not how the law works, thankfully.

He has a legal responsibility towards his child.

You should be supporting your D to chase him through the Child Maintenance Agency.https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

I'm sure your D is intelligent and hard working BUT she doesn't appear to be behaving sensibly.

She needs to follow a formal process with her employer through HR. Not just be bullied by her manager.

There are a lot of jobs in STEM and especially for biochemists. I know this and have heard that most companies are crying our for people with her degree. She may have to relocate but if that is what it takes she will have to do that.

Rather than trying to support her with the hands-on childcare, don't you think it would be far better in the long term to support her with standing up to her employer, chasing her ex for maintenance and looking for other work?

Child Maintenance Service

How to set up or manage a child maintenance arrangement, including what to do if a parent does not pay, how to contact the Child Maintenance Service, and signing in to your account.

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 14:19

ChampagneLassie · 28/08/2023 14:08

Can’t believe people saying your daughter is being “cheeky” @ncgran obviously has a good relationship and wants to help and daughter is in a bind. I doubt she’ll find any childcare willing to start before 6am without paying handsomely and it sounds like she’s not earning much and if you don’t help she’ll have to give up work. I’d suggest you do this to begin with to get her back into work but it’s not sustainable long term and she needs to either get better hours or find a different job.

Well, I actually think it is cheeky to know for months and months that your shifts couldn’t change and then JUST before you’re about to go back to work, get upset and ask your mum if she’ll do 5.30am childcare and 1pm pick ups every day of the week!

I have a brilliant relationship with my mum and would never dared treat her so badly.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 28/08/2023 14:20

OP, I really feel for your DD but there are legal protections in place which will help her and she needs to wise up and start using them.

She has the right to make a formal flexible working request and her employer is legally required to consider it. Her manager’s dislike of working parents is not only irrelevant but also discriminatory and she would be wise to make a note of the dates when these comments were made as they may provide her with useful evidence if she is needs to make a case.

She also has the legal right to pursue the father for child maintenance, and she does not have to name him on the birth certificate to do so.

WeetabixTowels · 28/08/2023 14:21

I feel so sorry for grandparents guilted into this nonsense. Me and my mum have a very strained relationship but I’d so sooner find another solution than have to burden her in this way. Poor you OP

Scottishskifun · 28/08/2023 14:23

ncgran · 28/08/2023 13:50

sorry for the delay, yes the 1.8k better off is without nursery fees, she is still 1k better off working though.

we had a long phone call and she is very upset not really sure how she is going to cope, it is very sad to know she is trying and i do want to help but as everyone has pointed out, it cannot be with this job. i mentioned her doing the official flexi working request thing and she has said she thinks she will get no where as her manager was quite rude and "hates working mothers" and actually joked with her when she started the job about "don't be getting pregnant haha" which doesnt sound great... but clearly since then they have actually been accommodating because other ladies HAVE got the different shift, but then she is explaining not everyone has her manager.

yes she does have skills and has been working there for 8 years with a lot of skills in the industry (im afraid i dont know too much about it) but her degree is in biochemistry. she says its hard finding work though and people think there is loads of stem jobs and there just isnt as she wants to stay local to me (understandable as we can help if needed) but she said she is happy to take other jobs in different fields

her ex was always a pleasant lad and i think it was a huge shock to us all how he acted especially as he was always the first person to offer to help me and dh out!! very upsetting. i so feel for my dd.

She needs to not be afraid of her manager and also report them for this attitude. She needs to take this to HR and get it in writing that her line manager is refusing flexible working

DorasAuntie · 28/08/2023 14:23

I have no idea how old you are @ncgran but some of my friends who are Grans were in their mid 60s and retired (or working a little) when their first grandchild arrived.

Not all grans are in their 40s or 50s.

There is no way they would agree to this kind of request.

Your D seems to want it all, but not make any effort herself.

She isn't willing to relocate, (because she wants you around to help), she didn't plan properly for going back to work (by making an official request to the company), she expects you or rather hopes you will revert to being a full time 'parent' to look after her baby.

This isn't the behaviour of a woman who must be 30, who needs to sort her life out.

Encourage her to get support through the CMS and her employer.

JudgeRudy · 28/08/2023 14:23

I think it's a massive ask and not something I would do for one of my children. OK I might step in for a week or 2 in an emergency but this is going to be for several weeks isn't it.
I think a childminder is the best bet as they offer a little more flexibility. Tbh I'd be chasing the father for some sort of contribution towards the childcare bill if nothing else.
It sounds as if she's explored all options with her employer and what theyve said sounds reasonable.

DorasAuntie · 28/08/2023 14:27

It sounds as if she's explored all options with her employer and what theyve said sounds reasonable.

It's possibly illegal and discrimination.

As a PP said , it could be seen as constructive dismissal and she could sue them.
They have effectively made it impossible for a new [single] parent to go to work when they have to start at 6am.

OoopsOhNo · 28/08/2023 14:30

Would you be OK with her moving back home for a bit? If so, she could contribute a bit towards rent/bills but save money and look for a job with better working hours? It's a massive thing to commit to though, and no one would blame you for saying no.

AthenaPopodopolous · 28/08/2023 14:33

Can she retrain as a science teacher, postgraduate qualification? Then she’d have more family friendly working hours

Original poster
ncgran · 28/08/2023 14:34

i appreciate the support to me but dd really isn't one to usually take advantage, she feels very lost atm and has been superwoman with her son so far and i have rarely helped her, i am aware that plenty do it alone and you are amazing too but this situation was very hard on dd just being abandoned by her partner and then left in the position she was but she dealt with it and has been an amazing mum to her little boy, she obviously hasnt been the most sensible with sorting the work situation and i can definitely see that too but she has been under a lot of stress. to be fair, i think it makes sense her staying close because what if dgs is unwell? i would have no issue having him for the day etc. it feels quite isolating for her to move far away as well and lose her only main support (me) but i will definitely discuss this with her (she will be coming around later for dinner).

she is 29 and obviously that is older than a lot of people left in a single mum position but to me it isnt that old and she has spent her 20s really working hard to get where she has and i am proud of her and i am proud of the mum she is too. she is just struggling atm and i am glad she feels we are close enough to come to me and be completely honest.

just curious, there does seem to be a lot of nannies wanting full time positions, i do wonder if some of them would be keen to start early? i have no idea though but could mention to dd incase she wants to look into it.

OP posts:
rockpoolingtogether · 28/08/2023 14:37

Dropping small child around at 5.30am is tooo early for him. If this isn't every day, do you have a spare room they could stay in a few days a week?

DorasAuntie · 28/08/2023 14:41

ncgran · 28/08/2023 14:34

i appreciate the support to me but dd really isn't one to usually take advantage, she feels very lost atm and has been superwoman with her son so far and i have rarely helped her, i am aware that plenty do it alone and you are amazing too but this situation was very hard on dd just being abandoned by her partner and then left in the position she was but she dealt with it and has been an amazing mum to her little boy, she obviously hasnt been the most sensible with sorting the work situation and i can definitely see that too but she has been under a lot of stress. to be fair, i think it makes sense her staying close because what if dgs is unwell? i would have no issue having him for the day etc. it feels quite isolating for her to move far away as well and lose her only main support (me) but i will definitely discuss this with her (she will be coming around later for dinner).

she is 29 and obviously that is older than a lot of people left in a single mum position but to me it isnt that old and she has spent her 20s really working hard to get where she has and i am proud of her and i am proud of the mum she is too. she is just struggling atm and i am glad she feels we are close enough to come to me and be completely honest.

just curious, there does seem to be a lot of nannies wanting full time positions, i do wonder if some of them would be keen to start early? i have no idea though but could mention to dd incase she wants to look into it.

Are you going to advise her to pursue her ex for maintenance?

It's all very well being a lovely daughter and 'managing well' but she sounds rather timid and accepting rather than making a bit of a fuss!

It all comes over as if 'Mum and Dad will sort this out and help' rather than chasing her ex and her company for what she is due.

She's had almost a year to sort this.

If you are too eager to help, she will never learn to be really independent and tackle difficult issues.

What age are you? Can you even cope with getting up at 5am?
It would be a complete no-no from my friends in their mid 60s.

Original poster
ncgran · 28/08/2023 14:42

i am 55

OP posts:
aloris · 28/08/2023 14:43

What's the legality of the business changing its shift hours to be totally unworkable with a standard childcare schedule? Is this not a little bit discriminatory against parents? mothers? Any chance of getting them to make an accommodation via any legal nondiscrimination statutes?

DragonFly98 · 28/08/2023 14:44

ncgran · 28/08/2023 14:42

i am 55

Oh. I read this whole thread thinking you were elderly and would struggle getting up early.

MoreThanEnoughSoFar · 28/08/2023 14:45

rookiemere · 28/08/2023 10:46

The key word here is "once". I quite enjoy getting up early to go to the airport to go on holiday.

OP is being expected to get up at that time 5 days a week then look after a baby. It's very different.

Show quote history

"Once" as in for two years until I moved closer to to uni. "Once" isn't always a one-time thing? I did it, I enjoyed it, I walked my dog for an hour from 4-4:30 and heard the first birds begin to sing. Granted I wasn't with a 7 month old baby but being up at the crack of dawn (or earlier) is actually quite lovely.