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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take grandson to nursery every day

478 replies

ncgran · 28/08/2023 08:48

I work part-time and have a gorgeous grandson who is 7 months. I would be happy to look after him a couple times a week while DD is at work but can't really do more than that and she has asked if I would divide those hours to daily and take and pick up from nursery instead. She works from 6am-1pm and will be going back to work soon. The half days at nursery are from 7-12 and so she would like to drop him off to me for 5:30 and pick up at 1.30 and have me take and pick up from nursery. Does anyone know if they can do a bit longer at nursery and she can pick him up from there? or are they actually quite strict on this? The days I can't do, DH could honestly drop him off (would probably be once a week) but then we are doing 5 mornings a week... I know it sounds mean and we obviously adore them both but that is a lot to be tied to but she is a single parent and we want to help where we can and I would love to come to a compromise but know very little about nursery hours etc so any suggestions would be fab

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 11:23

Unknownwhere · 28/08/2023 11:19

I find it really sad.

ISee a lot here when people need help and everyone says to ask friends / family etc but this woman has and is getting criticism. She’s trying to work ! If she had posted saying she couldn’t work so was on benefits she would be had a go at ! Told to ask family etc no doubt

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It’s not a case of grandma sorting childcare at 5.30am or the mum going on benefits though, is it? There are other options.

The mum has known since she was pregnant that her shifts wouldn’t change, yet has done nothing about it. It doesn’t appear that she’s even asked if the nursery can have the child beyond 1pm! It is now the nth hour and seems like it’s all the responsibility of the grandma to make it work.

CecilyP · 28/08/2023 11:25

Toddlerteaplease · 28/08/2023 10:42

Some nurseries around large hospitals will open at 6.30. Would that be an option?

It doesn’t really make much difference. Still wouldn’t be early enough for DM to drop him off so OP would still have to be up for 5.30. Then there is no great rush to get him to nursery.

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 11:26

WantingToEducate · 28/08/2023 11:12

I am specifically taking about waking a baby every morning at 5am!

Its not due to needing to be woken for a “once in a while” appointment, it’s five days a week, every week.

It’s not being woken up at 7am which is a totally normal wake-up time, it’s the fact it’s at 5am!

There is nothing wrong with waking a sleeping baby…..but not at 5am every morning.

And even putting all that aside…..the grandmother does not want to do!!!

So you can dress it up all you like, but the idea is ridiculous and the OP is well within her rights to say no.

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Say your opinion to those who work early hours or late hours - anything out of the 9-5. These people facilitate your life - lorry drivers, shelf stackers, factory workers, the lab work of the op’s daughter, medical staff, care home staff etc. The kids of these workers have to be got up early. It’s difficult as it’s nice to sleep in but not everyone can do this.
The OP can say no as no one is forced to help their family.

7eleven · 28/08/2023 11:26

I guess if dad’s not on the scene, this lass has had quite a lot going on. We’ve all pushed things to the back of our minds when we’re stressed.

DorasAuntie · 28/08/2023 11:28

It seems a bit late in the day to be planning all of this.

Baby is 7 months so surely your daughter should have asked about changing her working hours long before her maternity leave ended?

Is this some sort of hospitality, cleaning or supermarket work?
It seems very unfair her employer won't budge on offering her different shifts.

Why is the father not around at all given their baby is only 7 months?

It's completely unreasonable to expect you to be up by 5.30am (I had to re read your post as I assumed it was 5,30 PM!)

She needs to get another job.
what does she do? Has she any qualifications? Would she be better off going back into education like college, getting a grant and using a college creche or nursery?

zingally · 28/08/2023 11:29

Just say no? It would be a 5am get-up for you, 5 days a week. Not to mention that it would be a 4:30am get up for the baby!! And while that might just about be tolerable during the summer months, can you imagine how grim that'll feel in January?
DD needs to change jobs, or take a different shift.

CecilyP · 28/08/2023 11:29

Purplebunnie · 28/08/2023 10:44

I've not read the whole thread only OP's posts.

Could your daughter live with you during the working week, would that ease the situation until she can find another job. It will be difficult but may be better than everyone having such an early start. I appreciate she won't want to lose her independence or her home

I think this would be the best option. It means she can keep her job but also gives her an incentive to find a more workable solution.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 11:29

7eleven · 28/08/2023 11:26

I guess if dad’s not on the scene, this lass has had quite a lot going on. We’ve all pushed things to the back of our minds when we’re stressed.

Indeed. This is massively important though and not for the OP to have to single-handedly solve just because her DD buried her head in the sand about it for months and months.

DorasAuntie · 28/08/2023 11:30

@ButterCrackers you are being a bit crackers with your post.
Of course the children of shift workers aren't getting up at the same time as their parents! Usually because there are TWO parents at home. Or because people who do those early shifts don't have a baby at the same time.

Wafflesandcrepes · 28/08/2023 11:30

7eleven · 28/08/2023 11:26

I guess if dad’s not on the scene, this lass has had quite a lot going on. We’ve all pushed things to the back of our minds when we’re stressed.

Exactly. I had a not very nice manager when I had my baby. There was no point in talking to her when I was pregnant. I sorted new hours a month prior to returning to work.

EinyLinky · 28/08/2023 11:31

DorasAuntie · 28/08/2023 11:28

It seems a bit late in the day to be planning all of this.

Baby is 7 months so surely your daughter should have asked about changing her working hours long before her maternity leave ended?

Is this some sort of hospitality, cleaning or supermarket work?
It seems very unfair her employer won't budge on offering her different shifts.

Why is the father not around at all given their baby is only 7 months?

It's completely unreasonable to expect you to be up by 5.30am (I had to re read your post as I assumed it was 5,30 PM!)

She needs to get another job.
what does she do? Has she any qualifications? Would she be better off going back into education like college, getting a grant and using a college creche or nursery?

Tbf, the OP has already answered every single one of your questions

Gothambutnotahamster · 28/08/2023 11:33

She needs to submit a formal flexible working request & follow all internal processes. If she gets a formal no, then it should state the reasons why & id advise her to contact ACAS.

Given her length of service, i'm amazed that they won't try to accommodate her in some way.

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 11:34

DorasAuntie · 28/08/2023 11:30

@ButterCrackers you are being a bit crackers with your post.
Of course the children of shift workers aren't getting up at the same time as their parents! Usually because there are TWO parents at home. Or because people who do those early shifts don't have a baby at the same time.

No crackers at all. I was referring to families with one or two parents. Not all shift workers have a baby - that’s a given. I didn’t think that I needed to explain it so exactly.

DorasAuntie · 28/08/2023 11:35

Sorry- now read all your posts and see that she has been to university.
Honestly, her employer is being inconsiderate.

However, she's not been assertive enough.

Can she not afford to take more maternity leave? She can have a year from when she left work.

If she took more ML could you top her up financially while she looked for work over 2-3 months?

7eleven · 28/08/2023 11:35

I don’t disagree that this should have been sorted earlier. I’ve been that young, single mum though and am just trying to give her a bit of grace.

She certainly needs to start looking for another job. I’d help her, but very clearly under the agreement that it was short term.

DorasAuntie · 28/08/2023 11:36

@EinyLinky your post is so helpful. Thank you.

JoyApple · 28/08/2023 11:36

Would nurseries attached to hospitals be able to accommodate such early times? Maybe OP can apply on her behalf (given she is the one being expected to do childcare)

DorasAuntie · 28/08/2023 11:39

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 11:34

No crackers at all. I was referring to families with one or two parents. Not all shift workers have a baby - that’s a given. I didn’t think that I needed to explain it so exactly.

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Your post still makes no sense.

Children of parents- one or two- do not normally get up at 5.30am to be carted off to childcare partly as very little is available at that time of day.

It's not that you needed to explain it 'exactly' it's that what you wrote is fiction.

DorasAuntie · 28/08/2023 11:40

@ncgran She needs to make a formal application for a change in hours.

Has she considered a nanny share or an au pair? Is she in a situation where that could be cheaper and more flexible than a nursery?

toomuchlaundry · 28/08/2023 11:42

Does her work only have people working in the morning?

CecilyP · 28/08/2023 11:45

7eleven · 28/08/2023 11:17

Moving forward, those hours are not going to work. Even when he’s at school. It’d be like 14 years before he could be independent in the mornings.

If I was able, I’d do it while she looks for something else. If possible, I’d go to hers in the morning though, to avoid the baby be taken out so early.

No that’s even more extreme. It means OP has to get up even earlier and can’t enjoy her home comforts before nursery.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 28/08/2023 11:46

Your DD needs to submit a formal flexible working request to her employer. They don’t have to agree to it but they do have to consider it and provide a business reason for any rejection.

ACAS and Pregnant Then Screwed will both have advice she can draw upon when making the application.

5128gap · 28/08/2023 11:46

ncgran · 28/08/2023 08:59

her work will not allow it she asked if she could do the 8:30 to 5 shift pattern that some of them do but they have said no and they are only employing people on her pattern now anyway. she has said she is keen to find better work but can't sacrifice the salary or she won't be able to afford to live so needs something that pays the same or better. i was considering offering her to move back home for a bit, baby can sleep till later in the morning but think it might end up worse for all of us and im not sure she would want to leave her home she has been in for a while

I was actually going to suggest this. But it will be unlikely to meet with much support on MN, where living separately is deemed synonymous with being a grown up!
For what it's worth, my DD, partner and DGC all lived with me for a time and it was very successful. If you get on very well, respect each other and have the space for all adults to have some privacy, it's an excellent, cost effective and labour saving way of living that could really help your DD to lay the foundations for her future.

user1492757084 · 28/08/2023 11:48

To enable OP to be able to offer assistance to her daughter I like the idea of temporarily sleeping over (at either house) so that OP can wake up when the baby does which is likely to be after 6:00am. An au pair is my favoured best solution if the work place will not be flexible..

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 11:49

DorasAuntie · 28/08/2023 11:39

Your post still makes no sense.

Children of parents- one or two- do not normally get up at 5.30am to be carted off to childcare partly as very little is available at that time of day.

It's not that you needed to explain it 'exactly' it's that what you wrote is fiction.

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fiction lol ….tell that to people who work shifts who have young children that require childcare in the early morning. People who do shift work in paid employment that have a child that is not autonomous. These people might need also to travel to work if it is outside of their local area and therefore need childcare very early and childcare collections. Fiction for you is reality for others. Luckily families often are able to help out.