Feeling suffocated by mum

[Moonchild009]

Hi all, hope you’re enjoying the bank holiday weekend.

just a quick vent about how I’ve been feeling about my mum for some time now. I’m 33 years old and have 1 brother, I live and work from home with parents (they’re separated, just cohabiting). I have a boyfriend, we’ve been together 2 years. He also lives at home with his sister (who travels frequently). His parents live abroad, so he is living at home quite comfortably. He is a business owner and is choosing to continue building his business while he has the safety net of his parents home. I would like to have and live in my own place before getting a place with my BF as I would like to learn and gain independence and truly step into my womanhood first (sometimes I feel like living at home has mentally stunted me. Also my mum treats me in quite a child like way).

Anyway my relationship with my mother is very strained at the best of times. She is 67, retired and doesn’t have much going for herself. Her days consist of doing a daily food shop and watching tv. She has friends but doesn’t socialise and family are all abroad. She has a huge expectation of me to fulfill all her needs; shopping, cooking, going out, travelling, errands, you name it and it makes me feel suffocated, but not only that, I have no desire to because of how she makes me feel. Honestly, I don’t think she did a great job of raising me. She never taught me life skills, how to cook, clean, never invested in my emotionally or spoke to me about boys, becoming a young woman, life skills and I can’t completely blame her because she was dealing with my alcoholic father. But she did manage to tell me about how distracted the teachers think I am, which I learnt in therapy is a result of the chaos I was raised in. I think I am white resentful about all of this. We live in a two bedroom house, she shares a bed with my dad which is also suffocating for her so its quite a conundrum. i feel like ever since i got with my boyfriend she has become quite bitter and nasty towards me. she constantly judges, and makes snide remarks about him, me, us. i notice a pattern in her behaviour alot of the time. she will bombard me with messages, if i dont respond, she’ll come to my room to ask about the messages, if i say im busy then shell go back to messaging me but this time saying things like "have you looked for a flat", "theres a property ive seen", almost as if shes throwing her toys out the pram about the fact that i cant speak at that time! then she’ll start attacking me personally, my bf, mentioning the fact that he doesnt have his own place and blah blah blah and honestly im sick of it. I’m in this nasty cycle that she has normalised. Arguing and being kind when she’s over it but I never get over it! It causes me to dislike her and not want to be anywhere near her and she doesn’t seem to understand why I prefer my own company than hers. i spend a lot of my days in solitude in my room. I’ve tried to speak to her about how she makes me feel but she dismisses it and thinks she can buy her way back into my good books. I’ve asked for space, I’ve told her I feel suffocated, don’t like how two faced she is about my bf, and quite frankly I don’t feel respected by her.

what can I do?

yes I would say we’re similar in that regard because we probably both see ourselves as stuck but I want to and make an effort to get along. I just take a stand when I’m tired of hearing negative, bitter stories and projections of my dad onto myself and my relationship. And I’ve had to deal with comparisons of myself to other kids, girls, women my whole life. I would say im resentful about that.

Honestly, I don’t think she did a great job of raising me.

Well no, she's ended up with an entitled 33 year adult that she still has to provide a home for.
Leave the poor woman in peace, accept that you're an adult and move out - you seem to dislike the woman a lot, why continue to foist yourself on her?

I'm sure living in London doesn't help. Is there anyway you could move to a cheaper part of the country? It's going to be really tough as a first time buyer in London even outskirts. In terms of your boyfriend what's for you won't go by you as they say.

It’s in the title. I feel suffocated. When I leave her in peace, she asks me to come home! I mind my business and keep to myself most of the time. I dislike how she makes me feel and the relationship we have fostered.

Move out then your dm probably also feels suffocated and frustrated still having you living at home. Then if you choose to you can work on your relationship with your mum

This 💯 your relationship has become enmeshed and co dependent which I very unhealthy for you both. The only way to fix this is for you to move out.

I'm not so sure this is true, I know a similar situation and it is very much the DM that is clinging on to her DD staying a home. Her DD is the only social outlet she has in her life. I mean who would would insist on tagging along with their adult DD on work trips.

Thankyou! That’s what I’ve been trying to explain - yes moving out will allow me to have privacy, space, freedom, independence etc which is huge but she still very much relies on me to be her single source of social output. She has already mentioned if I purchase a two bedroom flat, she’ll take the second room. When I mention hobbies, socialising, companionship to her she’s uninterested and tells me to focus on my own life. Seems I’ve completely missed the mark in articulating this so thank you for understanding.

also i go to the same destination when I go on these work trips.

You are obviously unwilling to move out either to an affordable area, or to a rented property.

All the best OP, life isn’t going to change for you.

If you work from home, presumably you don’t have to live in London?

Op tough love with your mum. She can't have your spare room. Make up a reason why. I think you feel oddly responsible for her. Probably from childhood. You shouldn't. Time to break the apron strings. Good luck xx

Move out and pay rent like most people do.

But once you move out you can set the boundaries with your dm and she will have to be less dependent on you

Ha! Missed this bit!

Grow a pair and move out. You are 33 for goodness sake.

She comes on work trips with you?! That's very odd.

If you hadn't put your age I would have guessed 19ish, I could guess 23 at a push but not 33.

YOU NEED TO MOVE OUT.

You have realised that you're not going to change her behaviour so you need to either accept it or avoid it. The only way to avoid it is to move out. You might be saving for a flat but continuing to live at home is severely limiting you. You're a fully grown adult living like a very inexperienced 19 year old. Doesn't matter if you're saving, you NEED to move out for your own good.

Are people really this dense?

She's said moving out is a good idea. Obviously.

But she still needs to navigate a difficult relationship with her mother. That doesn't go away with moving out?!!

She's agreed she needs to move out.
She's taking steps to do so.

I seem to be one of the only people actually offering her advice on how to manage the relationship with her mother. Moving out is only half the battle!

I had a similar situation when I moved back home for a year. It was hard but I moved hundreds of miles away and never looked back aged 22. DM tried to get me to buy a relatives house, I resisted always felt if I had she would be sitting in my house when I got home. I even cancelled plans to start my own business as she insisted that she would come and be my assistant ! I was having none of that!

Agreed @scoobysnaxx, but until she moves out they don't have a hope in hell of changing anything else. It has to be the first change OP makes. Once they aren't in each others pockets in this strange enmeshed set up, then the OP will have the breathing space to work on boundaries and hopefully rebuilding a relationship with a healthier framework. For as long as she stays put though both she and her mum will keep seeing/ treating her as a teenager.

You're 33, not 17. Just go. Surely after all that time living at home and working, you should have a pretty healthy nest egg set up, no?

Sticking around is just fueling this unhealthy dynamic of co-dependence between you and her. Seriously, go.

So dont complain then!
Only you have the power to do something about it.
That something is move out into your own place.
You must have been saving up for 10+ years?

No, moving out is probably 90% of the battle. And nothing will change until she’s moved out anyway so the ball needs to start rolling. Whilst the Op is living in her mum’s house paying minimal rent, her mum will continue to treat her like a teenager.

Is that all you've saved at 33 years old and hardly any living costs?

Well I lived abroad, came back and had to rebuild my life again. I also lost my job and didn’t get back into work for a year during the pandemic and had to live off the savings I had while supporting home at the time. I could have made better life choices but I chose to enjoy my life rather than think about my future I so I guess I’m dealing with the consequences now.