Feeling suffocated by mum

[Moonchild009]

Hi all, hope you’re enjoying the bank holiday weekend.

just a quick vent about how I’ve been feeling about my mum for some time now. I’m 33 years old and have 1 brother, I live and work from home with parents (they’re separated, just cohabiting). I have a boyfriend, we’ve been together 2 years. He also lives at home with his sister (who travels frequently). His parents live abroad, so he is living at home quite comfortably. He is a business owner and is choosing to continue building his business while he has the safety net of his parents home. I would like to have and live in my own place before getting a place with my BF as I would like to learn and gain independence and truly step into my womanhood first (sometimes I feel like living at home has mentally stunted me. Also my mum treats me in quite a child like way).

Anyway my relationship with my mother is very strained at the best of times. She is 67, retired and doesn’t have much going for herself. Her days consist of doing a daily food shop and watching tv. She has friends but doesn’t socialise and family are all abroad. She has a huge expectation of me to fulfill all her needs; shopping, cooking, going out, travelling, errands, you name it and it makes me feel suffocated, but not only that, I have no desire to because of how she makes me feel. Honestly, I don’t think she did a great job of raising me. She never taught me life skills, how to cook, clean, never invested in my emotionally or spoke to me about boys, becoming a young woman, life skills and I can’t completely blame her because she was dealing with my alcoholic father. But she did manage to tell me about how distracted the teachers think I am, which I learnt in therapy is a result of the chaos I was raised in. I think I am white resentful about all of this. We live in a two bedroom house, she shares a bed with my dad which is also suffocating for her so its quite a conundrum. i feel like ever since i got with my boyfriend she has become quite bitter and nasty towards me. she constantly judges, and makes snide remarks about him, me, us. i notice a pattern in her behaviour alot of the time. she will bombard me with messages, if i dont respond, she’ll come to my room to ask about the messages, if i say im busy then shell go back to messaging me but this time saying things like "have you looked for a flat", "theres a property ive seen", almost as if shes throwing her toys out the pram about the fact that i cant speak at that time! then she’ll start attacking me personally, my bf, mentioning the fact that he doesnt have his own place and blah blah blah and honestly im sick of it. I’m in this nasty cycle that she has normalised. Arguing and being kind when she’s over it but I never get over it! It causes me to dislike her and not want to be anywhere near her and she doesn’t seem to understand why I prefer my own company than hers. i spend a lot of my days in solitude in my room. I’ve tried to speak to her about how she makes me feel but she dismisses it and thinks she can buy her way back into my good books. I’ve asked for space, I’ve told her I feel suffocated, don’t like how two faced she is about my bf, and quite frankly I don’t feel respected by her.

what can I do?

She would tell you that I’m 33 and should move out. That my boyfriends using me. She’s ashamed and embarrassed of me. I’m like my dad. I should be married and have children by now. I don’t do anything for her, her friends children are looking after them and taking them on holiday. I’m too needy.

Stop whining and moaning

MOVE OUT

She’s right-you’re 33 and should move out. You aren’t listening to any of the replies on here at all. If you weren’t still living at home, she would have to share a bed with her ex husband!

How much have you got saved, @Moonchild009 ?

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Jesus Christ. Just move away. As far away as possible

Move out 🙄

No absolutely not. But that shouldn’t subject me to abuse. I’ve actually encouraged her to part ways with my dad and sell the house but she refuses and tbh I think she’s in extreme denial about her relationship with my dad but that’s not my business. But no the answer is no it’s not fair at all and I am the reason for that

£20k

You sound like you have spent a lot of time thinking about the view from your perspective. Like others above have said I think you need to start putting yourself in other peoples shoes (eg your mum) and thinking about what you can do to make their lives easier rather than dwelling all the time on what they can do to help you. (Which btw sounds like is a lot already).

Everything in your post reads as though it has been written by a 17 yo from the way you are thinking. (The teen centre of the universe thing). But you are 33!

Move out and move on with your life. It's fun being a grown up.

Fair point

Good-rent a room/flat today. Your mum and dad’s relationship is not your business; It’s theirs. Get out and start behaving like an adult and people might start to treat you like one.

Sounds like you have very much overstayed your welcome!

It must be extremely difficult for your mum sharing a bed with a man she is separated from. Please move out and let her move into your room.

You are being extremely selfish.

You're not going to"heal" anything while you still live at home.

This sounds like a desperately unhealthy relationship, for both of you.

Stop making excuses and find yourself a shared flat. You need some space between you. In time you can gradually develop a healthy adult to adult relationship, not the current child to parent relationship which is not appropriate for a woman approaching her mid-30s.

As PP have said, you need to make a more permanent move away. She'll likely moan for a while, but get used to it in time. It isn't your responsibility to be her servant or ease her loneliness. You can help with those things as her daughter - if you wish to - but you shouldn't feel impelled.

Op I'm confused, does your mum want you to move out? Has she said so? What about your Dad?

She tells me to move out when she doesn’t get her own way. If I am constantly carving time out my diary for her, messaging her back to back, cooking, taking her to lunch, bringing her on work trips she doesn’t mind me there. The moment I say I don’t want to engage in anything negative, or I ask for a bit of space she tells me to go. She starts sending me properties on Zoopla and tells me about emails she’s received from estate agents. When she hears me on the phone to my friends, she come knocking on my door asking to be taken out or when am I travelling for work next. When she bumps into her friends and they tell her how busy their life is with grandkids, travel etc she sends me messages telling me all about it then says “that’s what you should be doing” “that’s what happens when you listen to your mum”. She also disrespects my relationship and doesn’t respect my boyfriend either who as he lives at his parents house (parents live abroad).

Why do you keep posting about how annoying your situation is? We get it, honestly we do.

MOVE OUT!!!!

My dad lives here for half of the year, then lives abroad the other. He doesn’t mind me being there at all. He would like to divorce and sell up but she refuses so he just gets on with it. But he is extremely comfortable and disassociated

With all due respect. Fly the nest. Moving out IS an option and you can save once you are independent. It's too claustrophobic and your mum is nudging you out with her hints about looking for a rental. You learn adult skills on the job, not stuck at home with parents.

Please move out OP. You can see for yourself the damage this narcissistic relationship has wrought. And like your complaints about your mum, you keep talking and explaining and justifying and complaining. But you’re 33. You moved into womanhood a decade ago! Time to woman up, move out and get on with building the life you want.

Does your mum charge you rent? She bloody should!

Because people are responding to it. You don’t Have to though .

Because people are responding to it. You don’t Have to though .

Watch Dr Ramani videos on narcissists.

Move out ASAP into a studio or flat share. Do not discuss this with your Mum as she will try and throw a spanner in the works.

Your lives are so enmeshed best thing to do is break free, have some space to yourself and then rebuild your relationship with her on your own terms.

I have had a similar situation and living by myself was the best thing for me. I wish you well.

Yep obviously a low amount though

If you move out, you won’t have to put up with any of that. Why wouldn’t you?

Rather than posting on here complaining about how mean your mum is, why don’t you get on some estate agent websites today and see what you can rent?

Move out. Let your grown up parents sort out their own relationship. Either buy a place now with the money you have already saved or rent now and save up more slowly. Stop going on and on about all the examples of your mums behaviour towards you and focus on getting your own life and independence. Some if your points I can agree with but until you get out of this very toxic cycle with your mother things will never change. It's time you took charge of your own life and I do agree with others that your being selfish for occupying a bedroom that your mum or dad could be staying in which could explain some of your mums toxic behaviour towards you. Listen to what people are saying and get out of that house ASAP!!