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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling suffocated by mum

233 replies

Moonchild009 · 27/08/2023 21:42

Hi all, hope you’re enjoying the bank holiday weekend.

just a quick vent about how I’ve been feeling about my mum for some time now. I’m 33 years old and have 1 brother, I live and work from home with parents (they’re separated, just cohabiting). I have a boyfriend, we’ve been together 2 years. He also lives at home with his sister (who travels frequently). His parents live abroad, so he is living at home quite comfortably. He is a business owner and is choosing to continue building his business while he has the safety net of his parents home. I would like to have and live in my own place before getting a place with my BF as I would like to learn and gain independence and truly step into my womanhood first (sometimes I feel like living at home has mentally stunted me. Also my mum treats me in quite a child like way).

Anyway my relationship with my mother is very strained at the best of times. She is 67, retired and doesn’t have much going for herself. Her days consist of doing a daily food shop and watching tv. She has friends but doesn’t socialise and family are all abroad. She has a huge expectation of me to fulfill all her needs; shopping, cooking, going out, travelling, errands, you name it and it makes me feel suffocated, but not only that, I have no desire to because of how she makes me feel. Honestly, I don’t think she did a great job of raising me. She never taught me life skills, how to cook, clean, never invested in my emotionally or spoke to me about boys, becoming a young woman, life skills and I can’t completely blame her because she was dealing with my alcoholic father. But she did manage to tell me about how distracted the teachers think I am, which I learnt in therapy is a result of the chaos I was raised in. I think I am white resentful about all of this. We live in a two bedroom house, she shares a bed with my dad which is also suffocating for her so its quite a conundrum. i feel like ever since i got with my boyfriend she has become quite bitter and nasty towards me. she constantly judges, and makes snide remarks about him, me, us. i notice a pattern in her behaviour alot of the time. she will bombard me with messages, if i dont respond, she’ll come to my room to ask about the messages, if i say im busy then shell go back to messaging me but this time saying things like "have you looked for a flat", "theres a property ive seen", almost as if shes throwing her toys out the pram about the fact that i cant speak at that time! then she’ll start attacking me personally, my bf, mentioning the fact that he doesnt have his own place and blah blah blah and honestly im sick of it. I’m in this nasty cycle that she has normalised. Arguing and being kind when she’s over it but I never get over it! It causes me to dislike her and not want to be anywhere near her and she doesn’t seem to understand why I prefer my own company than hers. i spend a lot of my days in solitude in my room. I’ve tried to speak to her about how she makes me feel but she dismisses it and thinks she can buy her way back into my good books. I’ve asked for space, I’ve told her I feel suffocated, don’t like how two faced she is about my bf, and quite frankly I don’t feel respected by her.

what can I do?

OP posts:
WhisperingHi · 28/08/2023 00:59

Oh dear. Sounds like a classic case of excuses from you to be honest. Nothings ever on you, is it?

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 28/08/2023 01:03

did you read my replies or just felt like chiming in

OP posts:
Findyourneutralspace · 28/08/2023 01:09

She probably hadn’t banked on you still. being at home at 33. Have you ever discussed this with her?
Family dynamics change, and it’s quite normal for young people to fly the nest.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 28/08/2023 01:11

Tbh I have enough just not for what I want which I know I’m gonna get crucified for but I’m being honest. I currently live in London so trying to stay as close as possible. I would like a healthy, loving relationship with my mum and was hoping I could repair it whilst living at home and still working towards my goals. I was hoping to find some suggestions of firmer boundaries or coping mechanisms. I know that moving out is ultimately the best solution, although that doesn’t fix the clingiest/loneliness she feels, ill
probably have more tolerance. I think the infantilising comes from the fact that she’s quite immature herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 28/08/2023 01:17

I think it’s common in places like America. In modern day society in the UK as a single person, I’d have to disagree. A lot of young people are clinging onto their family homes/moving back home because the economy is so dire.

I’ve discussed it with her to an extent because I don’t trust her, I find it difficult to open up. But when we have spoken, She has encouraged me to stay home and save as much as I can. She’s been on viewings with me and has complained that it’s too far for her to get to because she doesn’t drive/limited public transportation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 28/08/2023 01:19

My brother is 41 and single. He rents and she couldn’t be more reproachful about his situation

OP posts:
PinkArt · 28/08/2023 01:23

YOU. NEED. TO. MOVE OUT.
It really is that simple, that's why everyone has said the same thing. Nothing changes if nothing changes

HeatherMoores · 28/08/2023 01:28

She’s been on viewings with me and has complained that it’s too far for her to get to because she doesn’t drive/limited public transportation.

Probably the further away the better at this point. (Up to a point anyway). It’s not clear what sort of relationship you’ll be able to have with your mother in future, things don’t sound great between her and your brother. You’ll just have to reassess once you’ve put a bit of space between you.

It’s good that you’re having counselling and you do seem to have learned a lot already. It’s just taking the next step.

OCaptain · 28/08/2023 01:30

My mother was needy, but toxic. I moved out when I was 19. I really couldn't afford it, but it was the best move I ever made. I became extremely independent; she was upset for a good while but got over it; our relationship actually improved.

Perhaps the constant closeness isn't helping things.

Findyourneutralspace · 28/08/2023 01:31

Ot sounds like she wants her space as much as you do yours. You say you’re saving - hopefully you aren’t too far away now?

Mustardforest · 28/08/2023 01:33

If you want to stop being treated like a child, then stop acting like one.

You're 33 and never moved out? Come on.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 28/08/2023 01:37

I do say no. She throws tantrums, starts attacking me and telling me what other children are doing for their mother as a result. What do you suggest I do then?

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 28/08/2023 01:42

Thank you so much for this

OP posts:
scoobysnaxx · 28/08/2023 01:48

OP you should've been clearer in what you were asking from this forum.

Yes the answer is to move out.

But it seems that you're more asking about how to navigate a relationship with your mum.

The relationship will continue whether you move out or not so it sounds like you still need guidance on how to keep boundaries with your mum and communicate properly with her.

Relate.org.uk provide relationships advice and counselling for all kinds of relationships. You might find engaging with them helpful in the long run with the relationship with your mum.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 28/08/2023 02:01

I appreciate you a lot. I’m not the best at articulating myself especially in the midst of frustration but you’re spot on. The obvious solution is to move out but the relationship will probably become a milder version of what it is. I want a healthy, transparent, mature, connected relationship with my mum. I want to be able to communicate how I feel and for it to be respected (and vice versa). Will definitely check relate out. Good night 🫶

OP posts:
HamBone · 28/08/2023 02:14

My Dad is also difficult and emotionally immature, OP. He also has lifelong MH problems. I couldn’t possibly live in the same house, it would destroy me. So I moved out in when I got my first job after uni and have never lived with him again. Having some distance and my own life (only parts of which I share with him) works best.

By all means continue saving for your own place, but give yourself a deadline to move out and don’t bring her along to viewings! Choose your own home.

LifeExperience · 28/08/2023 02:20

You're 33. You've been an adult for 15 years! If you want to be independent, do it. And stop blaming all your problems on your mum.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 28/08/2023 06:34

I know you want a better relationship, just as the saying goes "it takes two to tango". You can't do it in your own, there is no magic wand that will make your mother behave better than she currently does.

You can hold firm to your own boundaries, you can make your bedroom a haven for yourself. That is going to be the most effective for your own mental health.

For your relationship with her, you can ask your mother to join you on some specific outings with you to try to rebuild some sort of a relationship, you could even do something small as a treat for her at home, something that she might like that doesn't cost much. A high tea at home on the weekend. A movie night with her favourite movie and some snacks that she loves. A flowering annual for inside (last longer than cut flowers!). If she feels that she is important to you then maybe (but def no guarantees!) she might start behaving differently.

But remember, she has probably been like this her whole life, there may be little that will help change her behaviour unless SHE wants to change.

spidermonkeys · 28/08/2023 06:41

I imagine she is also very resentful she has to share a bed with her exH because her 33 year old daughter still lives in the spare room.

Get out. I think you a being unfair on your parents by still living there

Middleagedmeangirls · 28/08/2023 06:43

This is a horrible living situation on every level. It's not good for you, your mum or your dad. Move out

Middleagedmeangirls · 28/08/2023 06:48

OP - you say 'I want a healthy, transparent, mature, connected relationship with my mum'.

Lots of us would like that. I'm in my sixties and have had many, many years of therapy and I have come to realise I will never have that sort of relationship with my mum because she doesn't have it in her to give. It's sad that that is the case but I have to live with it. I can no more change her personality than I can grow a third leg but I have been able to change myself.

Leave the family home, focus on yourself. Don't waste anymore time.

Embelline · 28/08/2023 06:52

I’m a little confused OP. If you’re 33 surely you’ve been working for a while at least. How long have you been saving for a flat?! I think some of the responsibility lies at your door here too - you’ve let this happen.
lots of people move out into rubbish rentals etc just to gain independence, I did it at 22 after living at uni for several years with barely any money. It’s not ideal and I can see why if people have the choice to save while at parents they might do that but in your situation I’m surprised.

I’m also slightly baffled at how you put absolutely all of your problems at your mother’s door. She doesn’t sound great, but you’re 33, you’ve been an adult for years, you don’t need to grow into womanhood you need to get a bit of back bone and take steps to make yourself independent even if it’s not moving straight out into your own owned flat.

Ladybug14 · 28/08/2023 07:03

Moonchild009 · 28/08/2023 00:41

i know but I’m still going to ask. Do you have any suggestions on enforcing clearer boundaries?

Yes

MOVE OUT

Stop allowing your Mum to treat you this way

Stop saving up to get a place

MOVE OUT NOW

Move out to a rented room/studio/whatever you can afford. DO IT NOW

Stop moaning about your Mum and yet remaining at home.

Stop enabling your Mum

MOVE OUT NOW

LifeIsShambolic · 28/08/2023 07:08

Grow into womanhood? Catch on OP, you're nearly half way through it! Living like a teenager in your childhood bedroom whinging about your parents.
I get that it's difficult for younger people to be able to afford properties at the moment but I hate to break it to you, 33 isn't really that young! You should have over ten years of full time work behind you by now.
Do you want kids? You mentioned that you wanted to move into a property and live independently rather than with your boyfriend. Do you have a time frame in mind?
You need to (literally) get a move on, you will wake up one day aged 40 and wonder where time has gone.

Prescottdanni123 · 28/08/2023 07:45

You'll get a hard time on mumsnet for not moving out on your 18th birthday. In the quest to be self sufficient, as far as people on here are concerned, you should be able to either shit gold or grow money trees. The British attitude to multi -generational living is yet another reason why many other European countries stare at us in bafflement.

In reality, rent prices are through the roof and it can be nigh on impossible to rent and save for a deposit at the same if you want your own house.