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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feeling suffocated by mum

233 replies

Moonchild009 · 27/08/2023 21:42

Hi all, hope you’re enjoying the bank holiday weekend.

just a quick vent about how I’ve been feeling about my mum for some time now. I’m 33 years old and have 1 brother, I live and work from home with parents (they’re separated, just cohabiting). I have a boyfriend, we’ve been together 2 years. He also lives at home with his sister (who travels frequently). His parents live abroad, so he is living at home quite comfortably. He is a business owner and is choosing to continue building his business while he has the safety net of his parents home. I would like to have and live in my own place before getting a place with my BF as I would like to learn and gain independence and truly step into my womanhood first (sometimes I feel like living at home has mentally stunted me. Also my mum treats me in quite a child like way).

Anyway my relationship with my mother is very strained at the best of times. She is 67, retired and doesn’t have much going for herself. Her days consist of doing a daily food shop and watching tv. She has friends but doesn’t socialise and family are all abroad. She has a huge expectation of me to fulfill all her needs; shopping, cooking, going out, travelling, errands, you name it and it makes me feel suffocated, but not only that, I have no desire to because of how she makes me feel. Honestly, I don’t think she did a great job of raising me. She never taught me life skills, how to cook, clean, never invested in my emotionally or spoke to me about boys, becoming a young woman, life skills and I can’t completely blame her because she was dealing with my alcoholic father. But she did manage to tell me about how distracted the teachers think I am, which I learnt in therapy is a result of the chaos I was raised in. I think I am white resentful about all of this. We live in a two bedroom house, she shares a bed with my dad which is also suffocating for her so its quite a conundrum. i feel like ever since i got with my boyfriend she has become quite bitter and nasty towards me. she constantly judges, and makes snide remarks about him, me, us. i notice a pattern in her behaviour alot of the time. she will bombard me with messages, if i dont respond, she’ll come to my room to ask about the messages, if i say im busy then shell go back to messaging me but this time saying things like "have you looked for a flat", "theres a property ive seen", almost as if shes throwing her toys out the pram about the fact that i cant speak at that time! then she’ll start attacking me personally, my bf, mentioning the fact that he doesnt have his own place and blah blah blah and honestly im sick of it. I’m in this nasty cycle that she has normalised. Arguing and being kind when she’s over it but I never get over it! It causes me to dislike her and not want to be anywhere near her and she doesn’t seem to understand why I prefer my own company than hers. i spend a lot of my days in solitude in my room. I’ve tried to speak to her about how she makes me feel but she dismisses it and thinks she can buy her way back into my good books. I’ve asked for space, I’ve told her I feel suffocated, don’t like how two faced she is about my bf, and quite frankly I don’t feel respected by her.

what can I do?

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 27/08/2023 22:47

You need to move out for your own sanity! You're 33 not a child. Stop complaining about her and live your life.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 27/08/2023 22:50

You need to take responsibility for your own life. ‘Grow into womanhood’?? What on earth do you mean? By any reckoning you’ve been a woman for 15 years. There’s no magic ‘go’ button that starts adult life. You’re already there.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 27/08/2023 22:53

Becoming independent! Not treated like a child. Not feeling controlled or like I need unsolicited guidance for every aspect of my life. Respect. By way of conversation, tone, boundaries. Sorry if I wasn’t clear I was extremely frustrated writing that message

OP posts:
HeatherMoores · 27/08/2023 22:55

No you were clear. It’s just that all of that is unlikely to happen for you while you’re living there.

thaegumathteth · 27/08/2023 23:01

Moonchild009 · 27/08/2023 22:53

Becoming independent! Not treated like a child. Not feeling controlled or like I need unsolicited guidance for every aspect of my life. Respect. By way of conversation, tone, boundaries. Sorry if I wasn’t clear I was extremely frustrated writing that message

Well then stop acting like a child and sitting in your bedroom in your parents house moaning about your parents.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 27/08/2023 23:03

Why is your mother going on work trips with you? Is this your idea or hers?

OCDmama · 27/08/2023 23:05

Moonchild009 · 27/08/2023 22:53

Becoming independent! Not treated like a child. Not feeling controlled or like I need unsolicited guidance for every aspect of my life. Respect. By way of conversation, tone, boundaries. Sorry if I wasn’t clear I was extremely frustrated writing that message

You gain these things by being a competent adult. Move out!

"Step into womanhood"?? You sound like a 14 year old.

RoseMartha · 27/08/2023 23:05

You still need to move out. It is overdue, even if you are saving for a deposit you need to move out.

Would a house share be an option, I appreciate it will take you longer to save.

mrsfindlay · 27/08/2023 23:10

Move out...

Mummy08m · 27/08/2023 23:12

Moonchild009 · 27/08/2023 22:53

Becoming independent! Not treated like a child. Not feeling controlled or like I need unsolicited guidance for every aspect of my life. Respect. By way of conversation, tone, boundaries. Sorry if I wasn’t clear I was extremely frustrated writing that message

She's treating you like a dependent because you are still her dependent, living in her house, perhaps paying little or no rent.

I reckon if you move out, your relationship with her might improve. She might also get the impetus to actually separate from your dad too. The situation sounds awful for all three of you and you all seem to be paralysed waiting for someone else to make the move.

Just leave.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 27/08/2023 23:12

Hers. My company has an office abroad. When she gets wind of an upcoming work trip she latches on and insists on coming along and makes me feel guilty when I refuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 27/08/2023 23:14

I mean I probably do. I live at home and have been treated that way for as long as I can remember.

OP posts:
StrongerThanYouTh1nk · 27/08/2023 23:14

Why is moving out not an option? You're exploiting your parents goodwill to achieve your own goals, it's really not ok at your age to be living with parents so that you can save some money.

Sugarfish · 27/08/2023 23:16

Just move out. Take control of your own life. Also cooking and cleaning isn’t hard. My mum didn’t teach me either but it’s not exactly rocket science to know how to clean something and you can google any recipe

Dpace · 27/08/2023 23:16

Grow up and move out.

Missingmyusername · 27/08/2023 23:17

Is this a cultural thing op? Is it expected if you?

Either way- your DM is very reliant on you. You shouldn’t have a child and then expect the child to look after you, in whatever capacity that may be. You are a grown woman and have your own life. It’s good you are saving to enable your freedom.
Whilst under her roof, I think you’ll have to suck it up or say you’re busy/studying /working.

SomeonTookMyAnonymousUserName · 27/08/2023 23:21

So you're already paying rent:

Yes I cook, pay rent/bills,

Of course you can move out and pay rent in your own (or shared) place.

Grow up for goodness sake. You might not want to hear it but you are approaching middle-age. You're not a child; she treats you like one because you behave like one.

FrenchieF · 27/08/2023 23:28

You really need to move out and give your mum space, you’re a grown up. You can’t complain about your mum when you’re still living at home at 33. Most adults of 33 are independent of their parents.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 27/08/2023 23:30

Thankyou for seeing me. There are cultural elements in all of this. In my culture it’s shameful to divorce, so most people just stay in their unhappy marriages. She doesn’t really like my partner based on his background/cultural history. She doesn’t take my relationship seriously because we haven’t moved in/he hasn’t proposed, but has shown little to know interest in getting to know him/welcome him to the family. But she’ll send me articles on Vanessa Feltz speaking on her break up and recent celebrities relationships. This is just too much for me.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 27/08/2023 23:32

Stop moaning, stop blaming your mum, just move out.
Go look at rentals and go!
If your saving to buy then you're just using her for a cheap way to live & shouldn't be bitching about her.

misssunshine4040 · 27/08/2023 23:37

Wow grow up and move out.
33 and moaning about your upbringing but still happy to live in her house and take advantage while you save?

Put up or leave

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 27/08/2023 23:37

you could’ve kept that to yourself. I spent the week away and was inundated with messages asking when I’d be coming home, and how she’s bought things for me at home. So your solution is not what you think it may be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 27/08/2023 23:39

I told you about my upbringing to give you some background. How else am I supposed to save 😂

OP posts:
ImABox · 27/08/2023 23:39

This is bizarre. You do sound like a teenager not adult, especially taking your mum on work trips. It’s not a holiday your work will think you’re strange.

Move out like everyone has said into a flat shared anything to start to learn how to adult. 3 of you in a 2bed place and your parents are separated is just wrong.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 27/08/2023 23:42

I’m aware of that. I don’t tell them because it’s embarrassing. She sees it as a holiday and goes off to do her own thing and doesn’t see why she can’t come despite trying to explain.

OP posts:
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