Feeling suffocated by mum

[Moonchild009]

Hi all, hope you’re enjoying the bank holiday weekend.

just a quick vent about how I’ve been feeling about my mum for some time now. I’m 33 years old and have 1 brother, I live and work from home with parents (they’re separated, just cohabiting). I have a boyfriend, we’ve been together 2 years. He also lives at home with his sister (who travels frequently). His parents live abroad, so he is living at home quite comfortably. He is a business owner and is choosing to continue building his business while he has the safety net of his parents home. I would like to have and live in my own place before getting a place with my BF as I would like to learn and gain independence and truly step into my womanhood first (sometimes I feel like living at home has mentally stunted me. Also my mum treats me in quite a child like way).

Anyway my relationship with my mother is very strained at the best of times. She is 67, retired and doesn’t have much going for herself. Her days consist of doing a daily food shop and watching tv. She has friends but doesn’t socialise and family are all abroad. She has a huge expectation of me to fulfill all her needs; shopping, cooking, going out, travelling, errands, you name it and it makes me feel suffocated, but not only that, I have no desire to because of how she makes me feel. Honestly, I don’t think she did a great job of raising me. She never taught me life skills, how to cook, clean, never invested in my emotionally or spoke to me about boys, becoming a young woman, life skills and I can’t completely blame her because she was dealing with my alcoholic father. But she did manage to tell me about how distracted the teachers think I am, which I learnt in therapy is a result of the chaos I was raised in. I think I am white resentful about all of this. We live in a two bedroom house, she shares a bed with my dad which is also suffocating for her so its quite a conundrum. i feel like ever since i got with my boyfriend she has become quite bitter and nasty towards me. she constantly judges, and makes snide remarks about him, me, us. i notice a pattern in her behaviour alot of the time. she will bombard me with messages, if i dont respond, she’ll come to my room to ask about the messages, if i say im busy then shell go back to messaging me but this time saying things like "have you looked for a flat", "theres a property ive seen", almost as if shes throwing her toys out the pram about the fact that i cant speak at that time! then she’ll start attacking me personally, my bf, mentioning the fact that he doesnt have his own place and blah blah blah and honestly im sick of it. I’m in this nasty cycle that she has normalised. Arguing and being kind when she’s over it but I never get over it! It causes me to dislike her and not want to be anywhere near her and she doesn’t seem to understand why I prefer my own company than hers. i spend a lot of my days in solitude in my room. I’ve tried to speak to her about how she makes me feel but she dismisses it and thinks she can buy her way back into my good books. I’ve asked for space, I’ve told her I feel suffocated, don’t like how two faced she is about my bf, and quite frankly I don’t feel respected by her.

what can I do?

Sorry to be brutal, OP, but the solution to your present dilemma is looking you straight in the eye: you need to move out.

I expect it'll also improve your relationship with your mum.

My son turns 18 next year, I would be mortified if he felt he had to move out!
OP is 33 and harping on about growing into womanhood.....it will pass her by unless she actually does something other than stay in her childhood bedroom.

@LifeIsShambolic

Whenever anyone who still lives at home mentions difficulties with parents, the response always is "Why haven't you moved out?". Do people honestly think that thought hasn't occurred? At the moment, it is a lot easier said than done.

In op's case, the thought genuinely doesn't seem to have occurred that moving out will improve her relationship with her mum.

She sees her living arrangements as a totally separate problem to the mum-daughter relationship problem

OP has said she has enough to buy a flat but is holding out for her dream property.

But she needs to realise it’s her mum’s house and therefore mum’s rules.

Her comment that it’s her dad’s house too makes me wonder if she plays her parents off against each other.

You do need to move out. Sorry. Unless it's geographically problematic or you both struggle to be together, could you rent with your brother for a bit?

I think you need some distance from your mum. Fast. You don't seem to have many boundaries with each other and you'll never live your own life if you don't get on with it.

One of my friends moved home at 30 whilst her rental had an unlivable issue and she then let it go to save the money for the last push on her flat deposit- she could wfh so sucked up the occasional commute. She used to house sit and/or live in pet sit to give herself & her mum space whilst still earning. She has a lovely home now. Could this work for your set up? Might be a way to get away on a work trip without your mum if she thinks you're elsewhere.

Also holding out for your "dream" property ... not saying you should buy somewhere unsuitable but I think you should think about what you need vs what would be a bonus in a place of your own, think about location and start looking. Or the "dream" will stop you buying anywhere.

I thought by the title this was going to be about a well meaning devoted and loving parent who was struggling to let go of their little girl, but it's clear from reading it that this is not the case.Your mother is toxic, controlling and self absorbed.She has been brainwashing and manipulating you for too long.You need to get out and detach from her or she will hold you back and ruin your life .You are 33 and this has gone on too long, act now and get away from these awful parents! And no more shopping etc duties.You need to set clear firm boundaries, or go 'no contact' for awhile if that doesn't work.

In OPs case the thought doesn't seem to have occurred at all.
She's 33, not 23 and is wanting to grow into her womanhood.....how does she propose to do that in her current situation? In 7 short years she will be 40 and probably still complaining about her mother from her childhood bedroom if she doesn't do something about it.

You need to move out.

You may not be in a position to buy a property but you can find somewhere to rent. Either a place of your own or a house share arrangement- many people do house shares now and it works fine.

The situation with your mum sounds tricky but I think things will improve if you're not there on a permanent basis. She will have to sort her own cooking/errands etc won't she? Because you won't be there to do it. Assuming she is healthy and of sound mind, she'll be fine.

I appreciate it's hard with rent etc these days but it would be better to be somewhere of your own, and live frugally, than stay at home.

I'm 36 now and haven't lived with my parents since I went to uni at 18! I live about a mile away from them now. I love them and we get on well, but no way would I want to live with them. I'm pretty certain they wouldn't want to live with me either!

I should think it would improve but the times I stay away at my boyfriends tell me otherwise. I get asked when I’m coming home to do chores around the house, or take her shopping, run errands, cook etc. she is lonely. But yes moving out is a an absolute start

OP your mother is not capable of giving you the healthy, boundary respecting relationship you want. She just isn’t.

Everyone has told you the solution. Move out. As far away from her physically as is convenient for work, boyfriend etc. Then it will be easier to put her on the information diet.

If you leave this much longer, or if she realises you are preparing to leave, she will develop The Mystery Illness. Then you will be stuck forever. Is that what you want?

Get out now whilst you still can.

Have some empathy. If her dd is off for a night or two with her bf your mum's got no idea if you'll be back any minute. She can't move her stuff into your wardrobe can she? And because you're constantly back and forth it doesn't seem like a stable relationship (to her), and because you're so childish, she feels the need to check up on you.

Just move out and show her you're a grown up (because you currently aren't behaving like one), then she'll relax and lose the need to check up on you so much

You treat yourself like a child by still living with your mummy in your thirties!

Go and rent a room somewhere else and spend some time growing up! How much have you got saved?

You could be moved out in a month!

Please don’t reply to this by saying you’re saving for a mortgage on a house and will only move out of your mum’s house when you’ve done so…

she picks and chooses when she wants me there because she benefits from having around. She enjoys my company, because she doesn’t have much from anyone else. She also wants that close mother daughter relationship that I want but we both don’t go about it the right way. I am being empathetic hence why I’ve brought her on work trips, done my best to cater to her and made sure she doesn’t feel as lonely but ultimately I’m just finding it all too much

Let's face it, every single person saying move out, OP will still be there whinging at 45.
Grow up, stop pondering this and that, give your mother a bedroom to be away from her ex husband.
Your selfishness is breathtaking.

Move out to boyfriends while you find somewhere.
Don’t be as responsive to mum texts / calls. Give her/you some space.
Do not take her to therapy. Have your own therapy.

Say you are working late/busy so cannot do this or that or respond quickly. Be strong.

This could evolve to popping in once a week to help out (if they really need helping out???) or have a meal together to maintain a relationship.

spend time on friends, hobbies , work and things you like doing for yourself.

Your Mum is stuck sharing her ex husbands bed because you want the same standard of living you get in your parents house.
None of this is healthy for either of you. Its time to move out.

Then MOVE OUT!

How much do you have saved?

She’s checking in with you when your at your bf as she doesn’t know when you’ll be back! So she doesn’t know if she can sleep in HER spare room or not etc etc. I mean she’s clearly got some of her own issues going on regarding her parenting skills but NOTHING will improve whilst you are living under her roof. Once there is space between you and your mum knows you are settled i your own home then perhaps she’ll change and it will also be easier for you to put your own boundaries in place.

I think you are extremely selfish actually. You have been saving for over a decade and admit to having enough to move out just not enough for the dream location/property. Who moves right into their dream?! No one. In the meantime you are 33! Living in mummy and daddy’s spare room. Except it’s not a spare room it should be your mums room. Your parents have been separated for 15 years and your mum is too worried to divorce in case she loses her home (have you supported her with seeking legal advice on this?). She is therefore staying in the SAME BED as her separated from husband who has a GIRLFRIEND. Can you imagine how intolerable that must be for her?? That’s why I think you are selfish. You find your mum suffocating but never co wider HER life. Sleeping on same bed as your dad who is seeing another woman to enable YOU to live at home and save. Your mum might have (major) faults but she’s likely not joking when she suggests you move out and the fact you haven’t considered HER NEEDS show how little respect you have for her.

ps: she probably likes to join you on these work trips to escape her horrible home life with your (presumably) ex alcoholic father

Bringing your mum on work trips is weird. Your boyfriend not wanting to move in after two years makes me question how serious he is.

I moved overseas at 25, it cured the constant messaging and phoning issue.

I did not have a great homelife either. Took a uni place through clearing to avoid another year at home and every decision since then has included keeping maternal influence at a healthy physical distance.

But if you're determined to hold out for your dream flat then you're going to waste your best years.

Move out, consider moving a distance away.

She treats you like a child cos you are living like one

All of this. Op has no empathy at all.

She is treating you like a child, because you have never flown the nest!
I would love to hear your mum's side, because to be honest I am feeling some sympathy towards her

Pressed send too soon. Do you think its fair that your mum has to share a bed with her estranged husband?