Special occasions arrangements with ex

[Hare95]

Myself and my ex are trying to sort out who has our 6yo DS and when on special occasions.

I want to always have mornings on birthdays and Christmas and for ex to have afternoons. My reasons are that my ex sees family in the afternoon, and I see family in the morning, so DS won't miss out on seeing them. Also I'm disabled and my pain levels increase as the day goes on, especially during a full on time such as Christmas. So I'm worried if I'm on the afternoon rota I'll miss quality time with DS due to the pain I'm in. Are these good enough reasons to ask for consistent mornings? My ex is now saying I'm being taken to court for not agreeing to either full Christmas and birthday with me one year and switched the following year, OR one year I get mornings and the following year my ex gets mornings.

Another point that's infuriating me is that my ex is refusing to have DS at new year, saying it's not for children to celebrate (IMO my ex wants to get drunk and having DS isn't convenient). I've said children can have new year parties, fireworks, sparklers etc. They learn about the new year at school and so on. But my ex point blank won't have our son during this time but is threatening court regarding Christmas and birthday arrangements.

Just to give a bit of insight, my ex hasn't been the easiest since we split up. I was asked to do a favour and have our son back earlier on one of our rota weeks as my ex needed to visit an unwell elderly family member on that day. I agreed, but since have had many reasons to believe my ex isn't visiting said family member so I've said I can't honour the arrangement anymore and my ex will have to go back to the original plan which was my ex having DS on the day in question (bringing him back at 18:00 instead of 11am so my ex can visit family member). This was about 8 months ago and my ex's consistent response was "it's not changing'. Very dictatory and foolishly I continued to meet my ex at 11am since then. I've now decided to put foot down and said I can't continue with the favour of meeting earlier anymore (this happens one Saturday every 4 weeks). My ex has responded with "I haven't agreed to that so it's not changing"....I'm sorry but hasn't agreed to allowing me to stop offering a favour? The last time I checked if you do someone a favour and you can't continue it anymore, you don't need permission to stop the favour! This is just one issue I'm faced with. I feel my ex is out to be selfish and to not consider DS. There's been so many issues since our break up.just to give an insight into character...when I was suffering with my mental health after our break up, my ex handed me my car keys and told me to commit suicide.

I think mornings for special occasions should be alternated. It’s not fair for one parent to always get the best of the occasion which generally comes in mornings

Sounds like you are both unwilling to agree.

Why are you so infuriated about him having child new year but you won't?

He does sound vile to be honest and this isn't easy. Maybe court will be the answer and it will consider needs of child not grown ups.

It’s always a tricky one to sort out and different ways work for different people

I don’t think YABU to suggest a morning and afternoon split because of the reasons you’ve listed but from personal experience it does make the day more stressful when you have to split it in half. I think it’s also a bit more stressful and upheaval for the child too. Obviously each child is different so I can only speak from my experience but alternating days worked out better for me and my ex and meant DS had less uncertainty and could spend time enjoying his toys or party or day without being loved around half way through

ex and I did it so alternating years we got Xmas eve and Christmas Day until supper then Christmas Day night and Boxing Day. NYE is always with ex as his gf is Russian orthodox so they do a big new year party and go away.

we deviated slightly after I went on to have more kids and now it’s always get Xmas eve & Xmas day so he can spend it with his siblings.

birthdays ds spends with which ever parents turn it is to have him. We usually FaceTime the other parent and we both tend to attend his birthday parties

Your reasons make sense but objectively speaking if the other parent disagrees (which isn't unreasonable, I wouldn't agree to always missing mornings) then invariably a court usually goes with alternating. There's not much else you can do unfortunately.

I think alternating makes more sense for your kiddo. And that includes NYE

If you always have Christmas morning, that means you always have Christmas eve too which isn't fair. Alternating is the better solution, including NYE.

Why are you against having your son for NYE?! Bizarre to be trying to force contact on some occasions while insisting the opposite on others.

It’s best for your son to alternate all of the events. You’ll have your reasons for what you want, your ex has his. Yours aren’t automatically better. Tbh the one about when you each usually see family one is ridiculous, your families can choose to accommodate seeing your son if they want to…

YABU you cannot decide you want mornings because it's better for you, you have to work in the best interests of the child and it's not fair to say he never gets the opportunity to see your child wake up on a special day and have that first wave of excitement.

ExDH and I have 50/50 custody of DD - she spends a week with him then a week with me but regardless of the schedule we alternated Christmas week every other year. Fortunately DD was born in Spain and we spent her formative years there where their main Christmas celebrations are on Jan 6th so ExDH and I just continued the tradition - one of us has DD for Christmas and the other has DD for "Los Reyes" and she gets two Christmases every year.

Her birthday would be spent with whichever parent had custody but we have always agreed that the NRP that week could pop in to see her on her birthday day. But ExDH and I have a good relationship and my family tends to do a simple "birthday tea" on your actual birthday if it's a week day - everyone just drops in at some point in the evening after work and we have buffet food out for people to pick at - so it was never an issue for ExDH to join in, which wouldn't work in your situation if you're not amicably co-parenting

Speaking from experience, splitting Christmas is vile. It's much better for the kids to alternate. When parents split Christmas Day it's for their own selfish benefit.

We've never done anything with NYE, they're with whoever it falls on.

Sorry but I think you’re being unreasonable.

alternating will be much fairer

We alternate birthdays, Christmas and NY. One year the ex has them the night before into the morning and switch over is at 2pm.

Ultimately you'll both have your reasons for wanting things your way so I think alternating is the fairest way.

That's the joys of divorce/ separation.

I think making children split Christmas Day and Birthdays am/pm is petty. I’d alternate and make the best of it.

I haven't said I don't want DS on NYE. I've said if my ex wants DS 50% of special occasions, then that includes NYE but my ex is refusing to see him NYE at all. An excuse to go off and get drunk I assume

As for seeing family, my family live an hour away. They are elderly (in their 80s) grandparents. They don't want to travel to us later in the day when it's darker, colder and potentially icy. We can't go to them given the distance, particularly because it's more moving around if my son is then going to my ex in the afternoon. I've really really tried to see where you're coming from but I don't I'm sorry 😞 I just don't see how anyone can say it's unreasonable to want to get my son as much time with his great grandparents at Christmas as possible? Is this really being unreasonable? Plus given the fact my ex always sees great grandparents on that side in the afternoons, I just feel naturally that it then makes sense DS is with my ex during that part of the day so he doesn't miss out on seeing his great grant parents on that side too

Can I ask, do you think it's unreasonable that my disability worsens throughout the day which is another reason for wishing to have the mornings?

Your disability makes no difference OP.

Alternate the years. This is about the fact that YOU want your DC to be with you Christmas morning and that's unfair on both your DC and your ex.

A parent always trumps grandparents/great grandparents.

Do as most others do and alternate and have your own Christmas day on Boxing Day. Your parents can then visit first thing and your pain will be manageable.

This is the reality of a separated family.

I read all your reasons. It’s still better for the kid to have alternating days.

As unfortunate as it is that you find afternoons harder, it's not a good enough reason to deny the other parent ever seeing that first wave of excitement on birthday/xmas mornings, no. If you were still together, you'd still have to parent in the afternoons so it is a total non-argument.
It sounds like both of you are being difficult tbh. Alternating is the only fair approach and the birthday/xmas is only one day. There are 363 other days in the year where you can see your family on the mornings to facilitate their preferences plus the every other year you have your DC in the morning. Not having him in the mornings for 2 days every other year is not going to stop him having a relationship with them. You are just being awkward in my opinion.

I think you are both being unreasonable.

You for wanting DC in the mornings which are the best part every year and your ex for not wanting to split new year.

I don’t think your disability comes into it if you usually manage to look after DC in the afternoons.

The best way IMO is to alternate each year. On the year you don’t have DC have a second Christmas with them on Boxing Day/ the day after with presents and Christmas dinner. Could you go and see family on this day too?

We did Xmas eve to 4pm Xmas day one year. And 4pm Xmas day to 27th the next. New year we alternated. Birthdays was whos day it fell on but the other could see them for a couple hours.

I'd suggest alternating,the morning is the important bit so it's only fair. New year I'd say who's ever day it falls on they have them.

You are unreasonable to expect your son to have to move locations every Christmas Day or birthday. It would be much better for your son (and you) to alternate.

I think it takes while for parents to accept that separated parents miss things. It’s just the way it is. You need to alternate Xmas. We have the DSC every other Xmas. But deciding you get him every Xmas morning is absolutely unfair - everyone knows that Xmas eve night and Xmas day morning at the most exciting part.

Your ex is BU not to swap every other NYE, but surely that is good for you as it means you get him every year and don’t plan that night out due to your disability? If you want to make plans it sounds like telling ex that you’re delighted he doesn’t want his son for NYE will make him suddenly want him?

I assume you manage to parent the rest of the day throughout the rest of the year though?

surely if you only had his afternoons those days then you would be able to rest all morning to be ready?

some sort of split whereby you both get the same amount of mornings with him over the years is best.

sadly your posts seem to be about what is best for you and your extended family rather than what is best for your Son.

Yabu

I think in your circumstances it might work but imo christmas being alternated whole days is best for the kids. Otherwise they end up trying to cram two Christmases into one day

I do understand that but I still think for the kids sake one day with one parent is better.

The decision you want is not fair isn't fair on the child.

They're not at fault for your breaking up, so it shouldn't inconvenience them by having to break up their day.

It's unfortunate and horrible for you I can only imagine, but alternating years seems to be the only fair way.

Im afraid while your disability is difficult, it's not a legitimate reason for your ex to get the scraps of a special day and you get the best part.