Special occasions arrangements with ex

[Hare95]

Myself and my ex are trying to sort out who has our 6yo DS and when on special occasions.

I want to always have mornings on birthdays and Christmas and for ex to have afternoons. My reasons are that my ex sees family in the afternoon, and I see family in the morning, so DS won't miss out on seeing them. Also I'm disabled and my pain levels increase as the day goes on, especially during a full on time such as Christmas. So I'm worried if I'm on the afternoon rota I'll miss quality time with DS due to the pain I'm in. Are these good enough reasons to ask for consistent mornings? My ex is now saying I'm being taken to court for not agreeing to either full Christmas and birthday with me one year and switched the following year, OR one year I get mornings and the following year my ex gets mornings.

Another point that's infuriating me is that my ex is refusing to have DS at new year, saying it's not for children to celebrate (IMO my ex wants to get drunk and having DS isn't convenient). I've said children can have new year parties, fireworks, sparklers etc. They learn about the new year at school and so on. But my ex point blank won't have our son during this time but is threatening court regarding Christmas and birthday arrangements.

Just to give a bit of insight, my ex hasn't been the easiest since we split up. I was asked to do a favour and have our son back earlier on one of our rota weeks as my ex needed to visit an unwell elderly family member on that day. I agreed, but since have had many reasons to believe my ex isn't visiting said family member so I've said I can't honour the arrangement anymore and my ex will have to go back to the original plan which was my ex having DS on the day in question (bringing him back at 18:00 instead of 11am so my ex can visit family member). This was about 8 months ago and my ex's consistent response was "it's not changing'. Very dictatory and foolishly I continued to meet my ex at 11am since then. I've now decided to put foot down and said I can't continue with the favour of meeting earlier anymore (this happens one Saturday every 4 weeks). My ex has responded with "I haven't agreed to that so it's not changing"....I'm sorry but hasn't agreed to allowing me to stop offering a favour? The last time I checked if you do someone a favour and you can't continue it anymore, you don't need permission to stop the favour! This is just one issue I'm faced with. I feel my ex is out to be selfish and to not consider DS. There's been so many issues since our break up.just to give an insight into character...when I was suffering with my mental health after our break up, my ex handed me my car keys and told me to commit suicide.

I think alternating years seems fairest for all. Seems hard and sucks at first but once you start doing you will realise it’s pretty good!
that’s what we do, and you have to focus on positives each way.
so, the positive of not having them on Christmas Day is doing ‘second’ Christmas so you can still celebrate after but because it’s not actual Christmas food is cheaper and shops are open (batteries lol). so it’s more low key but you can still celebrate the occasion together.
and you can still celebrate birthday after too a nice home cooked meal with all the family. :)

Complete ignorance of how disabilities work. Resting in the morning doesn’t guarantee someone will be at a level of functioning well in the afternoon.

OP, you are both being unreasonable.

I understand you may parent in the afternoon on other days of the year but you want to spend the part of Xmas day when you feel at your best because it’s a special day. Wanting this is not unreasonable. Stopping their other parent from having DC on Xmas morning every year is unreasonable. You need to come up with a fair way of doing it that takes into account everyone’s needs not just your own. It seems alternating Xmas day each year would work well. You can then make a big fuss of DC on Boxing Day morning they’ll love it.

Your Ex is acting like a dick not having them for NY, have cake and eat it comes to mind. Whether you can do anything about it I don’t know. But maybe you can relish having them for NY and make it a special day for you and DC so they’ll grow up with lovely memories of NY with you.

I have no arrangement with my DC over NYE and neither any of the other co-parents I know.

For us it's birthdays/Christmas and Easter (when young) that are split. You start splitting NYE then where do you stop? Halloween/bonfire night?!

NYE is just kept as a normal day. Keep it simple.

You’ve posted this before? The conclusion was pretty much that alternating was fairer for everyone, including the DC.

Christmas Eve into Christmas morning is the special part, I don’t think you can call that, every year; no.

You need to alternate op

but I can see here that you won’t agree to it even though it’s the right thing and if it goes to court is exactly what will be ordered

OP surely you must understand how special Christmas morning is with a child? And how limited those special mornings are whilst they’re still young enough to believe in it all? I’m bit saying your Ex is in the right about everything but I think you might be deliberately discounting how important this particular morning is for both parents.

I agree whole days are better for children. We alternated the whole of Xmas and the other parent had the whole of NY. Moving kids around during the day doesn't allow anyone to make plans or relax.

Oh dear, OP.

You seem to only want to see this from the perspective of your needs. But your ex and your son have needs too.

I absolutely would never agree to my ex having mornings for every special occasion, disability or not. Because that's a horrible end of the deal. Christmas morning is absolutely the best part of the day and you know it.

Can I ask how you manage having your child every other afternoon? I assume he's not left to fend for himself every time?

And time with his dad trumps time with your parents. If you can't make it work that they see him in the afternoon (can't they stay over or you both travel and stay there for the afternoon and night time?) then so be it. There are other days. His dad gets priority over your parents.

Sorry OP but you really do need to start considering your child and your ex more. The courts won't agree to your wishes anyway so much better to be amicable now, for your child's sake.

We alternated and I operated the 'christmas is just a day' policy. We did a bigger alternation25/12-28/12 and then 28/12-2/1we both had families that we would travel to for Christmas. So when I had 28/12-2/1we had our Christmas Day on the 2/1 presents and everything.
Now DD is an adult I am really glad I did as she has a career in musical theatre so Christmas is one of her busy times - so we will have to make a different Christmas now.
It's just a day make a new tradition that's yours only,

Personally I think it's better to alternate every year but your other option is to use the NYE to your advantage....
Whoever has Christmas AM then also has NYE.
See what he wants more.
Personally sounds like you need to go to court with his attitude over the whole early drop off (p.s. early is a couple of hrs imo. Not 7) start collecting all his texts and communications and deal in everything by writing.

My parents divorced when I was 6 I have never spent Christmas with my dad we'd see him on boxing day as kids at his parents. It never bothered me. Presents are presents. I think I would have been more annoyed to have to swop half way through the day.

Stop meeting ex at 11am! Tell him it’s 6pm and when he says it’s 11am, tell him ‘it’s not happening’.

He is taking you for a mug.

If NYE falls on his time then he should have dc.

If it doesn’t court they will likely award alternate special occasions. Keep that in mind. And they don’t consider NYE a special occasion.

If it doesn’t court they will likely award alternate special occasions. Keep that in mind. And they don’t consider NYE a special occasion.

Your reasons are valid but they don't trump his. Alternating both days completely seems a better option. Including.new years.

Can I ask, do you think it's unreasonable that my disability worsens throughout the day which is another reason for wishing to have the mornings?

What do you do on normal days?

Honestly OP whether you think it's fair or not the court will prioritise the child first and foremost (which is invariably alternate days rather than split days) and also considers the other parent which is fair.

you’ve posted before and people gave you the same opinions, but you’re still stuck in this same me me me narrative.

The courts are unlikely to give 2 hoots about the great grandparents etc, and it being better in morning for you. They will simply concern themselves with the child.

I broke the cardinal rule. I did a search. I’d be considering an alternate year arrangement.

Agree to seeing your son for alternative Christmases. Don't split up the days into morning and night.
You will have some mornings and nights one Christmas and then next year he will be at his father's house and you will have to celebrate Christmas on another morning near to that date.

If you like celebrating New Year then can that be your compromise? You agree to do all New Years Eves and he will accept that you do not look after your son as a favour every four weeks.

I would look into getting legal representation or a mediator so that you can make plans formally without feeling intimidated.
Never agree to an on going favour. A one off for valid reasons is fair.

Alternating Christmas and birthdays makes sense.

I also don't think New Year's Eve counts as a special occasion day that would be factored into celebration contact arrangements.

What you’re after is not in the best interests of your child though. It’s for your convenience and that of your relatives. You’re being selfish. Having your child from Xmas Eve until Boxing Day morning alternate years is perfect - we did it for 15 years! On the years she wasn’t with us, we just moved Xmas Day to Boxing Day. She would get dropped off at 9am, open her pressies, and we’d have a full late Xmas Day, just a day late. She loved having 2 Xmas days, and it gave the relatives a chance to do what they wanted on the actual day.

If you have a disability that worsens throughout the day, how do you manage every other day of the year? Because if you’re using this as an argument, your ex could argue that you can’t look after your dc any day of the year!

I'm afraid your post doesn't come across well because it's all about you and what's best for you. You really need to refocus on your child.

Moving him part way through the day is not what is best for him. As he gets older he will resent this pretty quickly.

We've always alternated Xmas and Boxing Day, it works for all and most importantly it's what dd wants to do.

The NYE thing is ridiculous on your ex's part.

If you can't agree, go to court, they will put the needs of your son first.

Splitting Christmas day in half will be miserable for everyone especially the child.

Just do alternate years. NY is not a special occasion but it often works for one to have Christmas and one NY. Your stubbornness over this may possibly lead to the father deciding its too difficult and too much like a PITA and to not do either which could of course be exactly what you want. Put the child first and stop using him as a pawn. Alternate Christmases make more sense for the child.

I'm afraid a judge is unlikely to grant you the hours you're after just because they suit you best.
I'd save yourself the hassle and agree every second year

You are being very unreasonable regarding Christmas, which you are asking about. The other points you make are irrelevant to your specific question.

Seems like you’re not keen to hear any opinion against your own however. So good luck.

Your son deserves to have Christmas eves and mornings with both his parents. If you can’t do it together the only way to achieve it is to alternate.

Parents are more important than grandparents so it is more important for your son to have the best bits of Christmas with his dad every other year than it is for the grandparents. Your disability has no reflection on the fact that you son should get to experience Christmas morning with both his parents. It is t about your convenience, it’s about your ds’s rights.