Special occasions arrangements with ex

[Hare95]

Myself and my ex are trying to sort out who has our 6yo DS and when on special occasions.

I want to always have mornings on birthdays and Christmas and for ex to have afternoons. My reasons are that my ex sees family in the afternoon, and I see family in the morning, so DS won't miss out on seeing them. Also I'm disabled and my pain levels increase as the day goes on, especially during a full on time such as Christmas. So I'm worried if I'm on the afternoon rota I'll miss quality time with DS due to the pain I'm in. Are these good enough reasons to ask for consistent mornings? My ex is now saying I'm being taken to court for not agreeing to either full Christmas and birthday with me one year and switched the following year, OR one year I get mornings and the following year my ex gets mornings.

Another point that's infuriating me is that my ex is refusing to have DS at new year, saying it's not for children to celebrate (IMO my ex wants to get drunk and having DS isn't convenient). I've said children can have new year parties, fireworks, sparklers etc. They learn about the new year at school and so on. But my ex point blank won't have our son during this time but is threatening court regarding Christmas and birthday arrangements.

Just to give a bit of insight, my ex hasn't been the easiest since we split up. I was asked to do a favour and have our son back earlier on one of our rota weeks as my ex needed to visit an unwell elderly family member on that day. I agreed, but since have had many reasons to believe my ex isn't visiting said family member so I've said I can't honour the arrangement anymore and my ex will have to go back to the original plan which was my ex having DS on the day in question (bringing him back at 18:00 instead of 11am so my ex can visit family member). This was about 8 months ago and my ex's consistent response was "it's not changing'. Very dictatory and foolishly I continued to meet my ex at 11am since then. I've now decided to put foot down and said I can't continue with the favour of meeting earlier anymore (this happens one Saturday every 4 weeks). My ex has responded with "I haven't agreed to that so it's not changing"....I'm sorry but hasn't agreed to allowing me to stop offering a favour? The last time I checked if you do someone a favour and you can't continue it anymore, you don't need permission to stop the favour! This is just one issue I'm faced with. I feel my ex is out to be selfish and to not consider DS. There's been so many issues since our break up.just to give an insight into character...when I was suffering with my mental health after our break up, my ex handed me my car keys and told me to commit suicide.

And God no don't ever put it on the child to decide, it's unfair. Imagine being a child and having to admit to your parents face you want to spend the day with the other parent. Many of them will just say what you want to heard in my experience.

YABVU

You should alternate birthdays.

With Christmas either alternate the whole period, or take it in turns to have DS Xmas Eve til lunchtime Xmas Day one year, then Xmas Day from lunchtime and Boxing Day next year.

It's very clear that the morning is the best bit of both Christmas and birthdays, so your suggestion isn't fair.

I personally wouldn't count NYE as a special occasion in the same way Christmas and birthdays are. Where do you draw the line? Chinese new year? May day? I think most people would see Christmas, Easter and birthdays as the significant ones.

The thing about your 7yo "choosing" is that, at that age he might well choose his df if asked by his df while having a good time at his house. His brain isn't developed enough to make a considered choice.

Just take turns.

I think most people would see Christmas, Easter and birthdays as the significant ones

It depends on the person I think, Christmas birthdays and NYE are the biggest in our house. Easter barely registers!

My partner is the dad who gets shafted and never gets christmas morning or day at all with his son, who is now 7.
She cheated and ended the relationship when child was 3, and kicked partner out of their family home. She got Christmas day first year after they split by default as partner was still settling after moving out back to his mums. Second year it was my partners "turn" but she had split with her affair partner and complained she didn't want to wake up on christmas morning in her house all alone, so she guilted that Chritmas day too. Christmas just gone again, should have then been my partners turn, but it was her new baby with her new partners (pregnant VERY quick after meeting)"first christmas" so she wanted both children there for it. So, this year should definitely be my partners turn, right?! Nope, shes pregnant AGAIN and due in November, and is already pulling the "new babys first christmas" and wanting all 3 of her children there together for it again.

So, partner got christmas with his child jointly as a 1, 2, and 3 year old, with only the year he was 3 that child could have any understanding of christmas and the excitement of it.
He has not gotten to experience the christmas eve excitement, or the anticipation of coming downstairs christmas morning and sheer overwhelming joy that "santa has been" for years 4, 5 or 6, and is set to also not get it for age 7 either.
By 8, the child is very possibly not going to believe in santa anymore, especially as he has lots of maternal cousins who are a few years older who could spill the beans, friends at school who could tell him etc, as its around about the age kids start to question and stop believing.
It is so, so unfair that he has been forced to miss out on experiencing that, so that the mum can have it her way every year, she has most definitely prioritised her wants, and would not be happy if it had been the other way round. Why should your ex get the shit end of the stick every year, he has feelings too, and is just as much your childs parent, you do not outrank or trump him with your wants/needs.

You don’t ask a child of 6. You arrange. You already got told how awful this is on your other thread last month.

@Icedlatteplease is spot on: “Kids of separated parents learn very quickly the questions they have to lie for. It becomes very unhealthy very quickly.”

This 6yo said he wants to be with his grandmother. That sounds like a kid who has sidestepped directly choosing a parent. A position OP should never have put him in.

i mean this nicely but in future he could be grateful to have had these times with both families.
It’s important building positive memories with both parents, and doing it all on one day can get quite overwhelming.

And the one before.

Honestly op. He will take this to court and you will lose. Save yourself the time and expense

As much as I feel for you re disability, you are making this about what is best for the adults and not the child.

It is not in the best interest of the child to only have the magic of Christmas and birthday mor ings with only 1 parent.

It is in the best interest of the child to share those experiences with both parents.

If your ex takes you to court they will in all likelihood award all day alternative years.

You need to stop thinking about what is best for you. Sorry.

Why is he just letting her call the shots?

How pointless. Honestly I'm trying to do my absolute best for my son whilst my ex couldn't care less about stepping up during school holidays, NYE so my ex can get drunk, and is splashing the cash on a new car, constant new branded clothing and god knows what else, whilst I'm receiving letters from the CSA saying my ex is in arrears but has reported not being able to pay them so the money for my son has been reduced! My ex is an absolute idiot and is extremely selfish. I'm not being selfish here at all, and if I didn't care I wouldn't ask for advice. Comments like this are just unproductive and hurtful in all honesty. So what if the same topic has been brushed past before? The root cause of each post has been different, but similar topics have come up in each one. I'm not hurting anyone. I just wish people could be kinder as they have no idea what's going on behind closed doors. Admittedly your comment isn't the only quite harshly worded comment, I just wish people could be kinder , would try to see I'm trying, rather than focusing on negatives.

So if your 6 year old who apparently makes mature and informed decisions ever turned round and said he wanted to spend every Christmas with his dad and not you you'd be ok with that would you? On the basis that that's what he chose?

No thought not.

Grow up OP. What you've done to your child by putting him in that position is despicable and you're clearly heading towards parental alienation of his father because it would suit your agenda better.

I'm not being selfish here at all

But you are being selfish. The fact you cannot see that is why this thread is pointless as you don't seem willing to budge at all from your initial stance

Either alternate the full birthday/Christmas each year or each parent gets to alternate the morning/afternoon of a split birthday/Christmas ... you don't get to insist on every single celebration morning and then complain when people call you out for the selfishness of that decision.

Hi OP,

I meant that your ex is probably doing the NYE thing to annoy you, so if you started saying “actually I quite like the idea” he sound like the type to say “I’ve changed my mind, I want him on NYE now”.

That said, the thread has moved on a bit.

You absolutely CANNOT ask a 6/7 year old what they choose for visitation. Trust me on this, courts don’t like children that young being asked those questions and 14 is the age the UK has decided they can choose.

Forcing a child to move on Xmas day is u fair on the child, the parents (unless they both want that) and is not practical long term. What if you/your ex partner remarry? Have more children? You both need to create a set-up that allows for a life and a future and that future will likely involve partners who will not be accommodating to every Christmas Day being split.

I’m sorry OP. This isn’t a viable solution and you need to start accepting your ex is correct about alternating. And FWIW my DSC love the fact they get two Xmases each year! Honestly, it will be okay.

What is pointless is you rephrasing the same old stuff about Christmas over and over again, getting the same answers then being all butthurt when people repeat the same answers.

Your son deserves equal time on special occasions with both his Mums, and you asking him leading questions at 6, is pretty disgusting really. He is a child. He shouldn’t be put in a position that he has to choose which parent to be with.

You’re not trying at all, you’re only concerned about you.