Special occasions arrangements with ex

[Hare95]

Myself and my ex are trying to sort out who has our 6yo DS and when on special occasions.

I want to always have mornings on birthdays and Christmas and for ex to have afternoons. My reasons are that my ex sees family in the afternoon, and I see family in the morning, so DS won't miss out on seeing them. Also I'm disabled and my pain levels increase as the day goes on, especially during a full on time such as Christmas. So I'm worried if I'm on the afternoon rota I'll miss quality time with DS due to the pain I'm in. Are these good enough reasons to ask for consistent mornings? My ex is now saying I'm being taken to court for not agreeing to either full Christmas and birthday with me one year and switched the following year, OR one year I get mornings and the following year my ex gets mornings.

Another point that's infuriating me is that my ex is refusing to have DS at new year, saying it's not for children to celebrate (IMO my ex wants to get drunk and having DS isn't convenient). I've said children can have new year parties, fireworks, sparklers etc. They learn about the new year at school and so on. But my ex point blank won't have our son during this time but is threatening court regarding Christmas and birthday arrangements.

Just to give a bit of insight, my ex hasn't been the easiest since we split up. I was asked to do a favour and have our son back earlier on one of our rota weeks as my ex needed to visit an unwell elderly family member on that day. I agreed, but since have had many reasons to believe my ex isn't visiting said family member so I've said I can't honour the arrangement anymore and my ex will have to go back to the original plan which was my ex having DS on the day in question (bringing him back at 18:00 instead of 11am so my ex can visit family member). This was about 8 months ago and my ex's consistent response was "it's not changing'. Very dictatory and foolishly I continued to meet my ex at 11am since then. I've now decided to put foot down and said I can't continue with the favour of meeting earlier anymore (this happens one Saturday every 4 weeks). My ex has responded with "I haven't agreed to that so it's not changing"....I'm sorry but hasn't agreed to allowing me to stop offering a favour? The last time I checked if you do someone a favour and you can't continue it anymore, you don't need permission to stop the favour! This is just one issue I'm faced with. I feel my ex is out to be selfish and to not consider DS. There's been so many issues since our break up.just to give an insight into character...when I was suffering with my mental health after our break up, my ex handed me my car keys and told me to commit suicide.

If you want to make plans it sounds like telling ex that you’re delighted he doesn’t want his son for NYE will make him suddenly want him?

@WeirdBarbie sorry what do you mean by this part?

It's unlikely your disability will be factored in as it's not relevant to the child.

If having to alternate the mornings is completely unworkable for you then your Ex has provided the perfect alternative.

If this was presented to a judge you would be viewed as very difficult.
He has offered two very child centered and reasonable offers and your refusal is based around you and your wants.

You need to think clearly how this is perceived if it does reach court.

I think the fairest way and the best for your child is to have alternate years for Christmas and birthdays. It's then black and white and no ifs or buts. I don't think your feeling tired later in the day should be a factor but I do understand your feelings about it.

As for New Year, you've said your child will enjoy sparklers etc so you can celebrate that together every year and make it a lovely tradition. Seeing as the child's father doesn't want to.

I'm unsure why you assume I'm not happy to hear anyone else's opinion when every single post, including the original, is me asking questions to ensure I'm doing the right thing. Im doing nothing other than trying to make the best decisions for my son, whilst taking into consideration personal family situations which actually include making sure he sees my ex's side of the family so I don't see that as being selfish at all!

What's fair on the child is the most important thing. And switching between parents on Christmas day is crappy. They don't get a full, relaxed Christmas day ever, at all. Alternating every year is what's fair.
And as far as NYE is concerned, it's a bit weird to me that you're focusing on that. It's not a big deal to your ex- so what? I kind of agree that it's not a child-friendly celebration, not when the little one is just 6! Why would you want him to take your DC when he obviously doesn't want to? I'd stop focusing on this bit, it's not as important/shocking as you seem to think it is.

Hang on a minute, are you expecting NYE to be split 50/50 too? With you getting the first half of the day & your ex getting the second half? I’m not surprised he’s refusing if that’s the case.

OP, do you see the point people are making about it being unfair on your son to split the days? You haven't really addressed it.

On birthdays, in particular, that would mean he could never go out for the day. Do you think that's fair?

If your ex has always New Year without the kids, you should always have Christmas. I always have Christmas with my kids as per our divorce agreement, he is the one that left the family unit so why should I be the one penalized. He comes in the morning of Christmas for usually a hour. I used to invited him for Christmas lunch but don't do it anymore because of his sister meddling and because he never bothered to invite me for anything.

😬

This is a hilarious thread if so. Both Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve work out rather well for the one proposing to only parent in the mornings 😂

So, having now seen all the advice on the thread, have you changed your stance?

Or do you still believe you should get every birthday/Christmas morning and your child should split the day 50/50?

My kids are children of divorce. I am also the daughter of a hospital nurse.

When my mum worked Christmas Day or on a birthday, we would simply shift the whole celebrations to Boxing Day/the following day.

As children of divorce hopefully it is a perk to have two birthdays and two Christmases, one set per parent.

I do think it is unreasonable to say you can only do mornings on celebration days. I think it is reasonable to alternate. On the years when DC is with ex for Xmas, I would suggest that you invite your relatives over Boxing Day morning to celebrate with you and DC.

I think you should consider how DC will feel having to move from one house to another while trying to celebrate his Christmas Day or Birthday.

Unfortunately this is the reality of broken families.

My son asked to do 50/50 last year which we did and he was really happy with it. By the time he had been up since 5am as they do lol, opened presents, had a nice breakfast and played etc. Everything started to settle and then he got really excited about going to see his other parent for even more presents! I have asked him his preference, he is 7 next month so I feel he is old enough and mature enough to have an opinion. He has categorically said he wants to spend Christmas with my us as my mum is there and she's his favourite person on the planet! I even explained he wouldn't then see his other parent and he said he didn't mind...

Seriously, no judge is going to look kindly on pushing this stuff on such a young child. You wouldn’t like it if it was being used by your ex against you.

How unfair of you to ask ha 6 year old. Talk about putting him on the spot. Adults need to sort these things like adults

“I have asked him his preference, he is 7 next month so I feel he is old enough and mature enough to have an opinion. He has categorically said he wants to spend Christmas with my us as my mum is there and she's his favourite person on the planet! I even explained he wouldn't then see his other parent and he said he didn't mind...”

Well how was that helpful?
That was a dick move against your ex.

“he is 7 next month so I feel he is old enough and mature enough to have an opinion”

This is ridiculous. He is six and the way you incorporate an opinion, is by being close enough to your child and observant enough to know what’s working for them without asking and ever putting them on the spot. You’re talking about annual events too - what they want and what works for them will change.

Mature 🙄

The courts won’t consider him old enough to decide.

It will end up you not seeing him at all every other year.

OK to ask where he would like to be okish, but your followup is very unfair.

Kids of separated parents learn very quickly the questions they have to lie for. It becomes very unhealthy very quickly.

Any question that requires taking sides is completely inappropriate

Is a 7 year old really not allowed to he asked what they would prefer? I was only 5 when my opinion was at least heard and taken in to consideration regarding residency in court, I was asked where I would rather live. I suppose the difference is you are being asked by a third party, not one of the parents therefore loyalty/lying for a parent doesn't come in to it as such

I'd agree to alternate tbh, that's what the court would say OP

At 6 OP my DC would have ate only pizza and drank milkshakes. You know you're being ridiculous.

As for moving forward, don't place decisions on your DS. Placing the burden of people's emotions on the shoulders of a young child is bad parenting. Simple.

You say you came on here for opinions but you only came on here to validate your own which hasn't happened by a landslide, yet you still can't see the bigger picture.

Sounds like your ex (despite how you portray him) has his work cut out.

Say you have a parent who is pretty relaxed, allows unlimited screen time and ice cream for breakfast and the other parent is more structured with a proper routine. A young child may say they prefer to live with the relaxed parent because what kid doesn't want ice-cream for breakfast but it doesn't mean that's the best option for them.

Also kids of separated parents often say what they think that parent wants to hear.

Six year olds are too young to decide these things.

You need to alternate so you both get the chance to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning with your son. You can always see your mum another day so he can have two Christmases instead.

Mornings should be alternated. Seeing your children come down the stairs on Christmas morning is like 90% of the magic imo. I'd hate to never see my kids on Christmas morning or first thing on their birthdays.