Special occasions arrangements with ex

[Hare95]

Myself and my ex are trying to sort out who has our 6yo DS and when on special occasions.

I want to always have mornings on birthdays and Christmas and for ex to have afternoons. My reasons are that my ex sees family in the afternoon, and I see family in the morning, so DS won't miss out on seeing them. Also I'm disabled and my pain levels increase as the day goes on, especially during a full on time such as Christmas. So I'm worried if I'm on the afternoon rota I'll miss quality time with DS due to the pain I'm in. Are these good enough reasons to ask for consistent mornings? My ex is now saying I'm being taken to court for not agreeing to either full Christmas and birthday with me one year and switched the following year, OR one year I get mornings and the following year my ex gets mornings.

Another point that's infuriating me is that my ex is refusing to have DS at new year, saying it's not for children to celebrate (IMO my ex wants to get drunk and having DS isn't convenient). I've said children can have new year parties, fireworks, sparklers etc. They learn about the new year at school and so on. But my ex point blank won't have our son during this time but is threatening court regarding Christmas and birthday arrangements.

Just to give a bit of insight, my ex hasn't been the easiest since we split up. I was asked to do a favour and have our son back earlier on one of our rota weeks as my ex needed to visit an unwell elderly family member on that day. I agreed, but since have had many reasons to believe my ex isn't visiting said family member so I've said I can't honour the arrangement anymore and my ex will have to go back to the original plan which was my ex having DS on the day in question (bringing him back at 18:00 instead of 11am so my ex can visit family member). This was about 8 months ago and my ex's consistent response was "it's not changing'. Very dictatory and foolishly I continued to meet my ex at 11am since then. I've now decided to put foot down and said I can't continue with the favour of meeting earlier anymore (this happens one Saturday every 4 weeks). My ex has responded with "I haven't agreed to that so it's not changing"....I'm sorry but hasn't agreed to allowing me to stop offering a favour? The last time I checked if you do someone a favour and you can't continue it anymore, you don't need permission to stop the favour! This is just one issue I'm faced with. I feel my ex is out to be selfish and to not consider DS. There's been so many issues since our break up.just to give an insight into character...when I was suffering with my mental health after our break up, my ex handed me my car keys and told me to commit suicide.

I think it's unreasonable that you are prioritising yourself over your Ex regardless of whether it's in your child's best interests.

Your child's best interests are to have the option to spend Christmas morning with both parents, and since you are separated that means alternate years is the most practical and sensible option.

The fact you have a disability is irrelevant to the argument of custody on special occasions - you manage to parent 364 other afternoons a year why is Christmas Day any different? And if you can't parent him on 364 other afternoons then your ex could potentially get full custody. Idk what disability it is that you have but the closest I have experience of is a friend with CFS who only has limited "spoons" for the day and when they're gone, they're gone (Google spoon theory if you don't know what I'm talking about) ... On special occasions she will make adjustments to ensure she has enough spoons to enjoy the day as much as possible even if that means sacrificing elsewhere, bur she does not expect the world to revolve around her.

Equally the fact you want to spend time with your extended family is also irrelevant - you could take your DC to visit them on Xmas Eve/Boxing Day etc there is no explicit reason why you must see them on Christmas Day morning, regardless of how old they are. My maternal grandparents only died in the last couple of years, DD is a teenager so she got to spend many lovely years with them, just not always on Christmas Day ... Because the years she wasn't with me on Christmas Day, she was with her other parent, grand parents and great grandparents as well as other extended family because they have just as much right to spend time with her as my family.

Agree with this, the grandparents can just see your child on the alternative day (day before/day after).

You are stuck in the minute of the planning for custody, the courts will expect you to be flexible and change the contact to suit the DC as they get older.

Your family plans do not come into consideration and nor does your disability as you manage to parent the rest of the time.

Special occasions do not matter. Not at all, you just celebrate on a different day. Splitting the day as you suggest is not in the DCs best interested they'll be taken away from their toys just as they've opened them, have an emotional transition (this applies to all children no matter how well they appear to be coping) and then have a lot of overwhelming excitement in the pm. It won't be enjoyable for them and it's the DC that matter.

For Christmas alternate Christmas eve 12 noon to 12 noon boxing day, DC get to experience Christmas eve and Christmas morning with both parents, get to feel settled in which ever house they are in and the parent he isn't with gets to have a break. the year DD isn't with me we celebrate our Christmas eve on the 28th, Christmas day 29th instead and adapt her advent calendar occordingly so it counts down to our Christmas. Children do not care if the celebrate on a different day and we have a couple of days break to help with the transition and so DD didn't have to have large Christmas dinners etc close together.

Childs birthdays alternate every year, the parent who doesn't have Christmas gets the birthday

Mothers / fathers day and parental birthdays get spent with relevant parent.

New years eve and Easter is not a special occasion.

“They learn about the new year at school and so on”

Do they? I think you’re clutching at straws there. Not in my experience. Which doesn’t mean your ex isn’t an arse. But you don’t strengthen your argument by trying to make new year seem like a cultural event!

I’m not sure the strength of the argument around when you see you families. These things change - and also you have the power to change them. Why can’t you see you family in the afternoon at Xmas? Resting in the morning first to accommodate your disability?

As I said, I’m sure he’s an arsehole and could be being difficult for the sake of it. But it’s not unusual not to want the chop the day in half, and to alternate.

Mothers / fathers day and parental birthdays get spent with relevant parent.

And tbh depending on the age of the child these days get less "important" as they get older. Don't get me wrong I love my DD and want to spend time with her but if I don't spend mother's day with her because she's at her dad's then it's not the end of the world, we just celebrate on the weekend before/after which often works out better as places are cheaper and less crowded with the Mothers Day brigades but then my family is large and we have birthdays/parties and multiple people to accommodate for all the time so it's perfectly normal to fit in a celebration when is most convenient for us regardless of whether it's on the exact day or not.

In addition, as an adult I want to be able to celebrate my birthday with my friends too so if DD is with her dad then usually she will drop in on the day with a card/gift (with ExDHs help when she was younger) but then I get the gift of being free to do whatever I want on my birthday.

My birthday was a month or so ago, DD was actually abroad on holiday with her dad at the time, she FaceTimed me from the beach to say happy birthday on the day, I got to see her before going out with friends for a lovely birthday celebration and then DD and I had a takeaway and birthday cake to celebrate again a week later when she got home.

My GC have the morning with their Mum and the rest of the day with their Dad. My DD works Christmas day. As in your case, he sees family in the afternoon, so it does make sense. I know a few families that split the day, it can work. Arrangements should be flexible because as children grow things change. Christmas is a season, though, not one day. Meet ups don't have to be on Christmas Day. It's in your child's best interests that you are at your best, so while they are younger, the mornings should be yours. You can't fully separate the needs of the child from the needs of resident parent. The household has to run well.

@Singleandproud, Easter might not be a special occasion for you but across the Christian world, it is. Which is why we have a school holiday, bank holiday, visiting fairs, specific foods etc etc. For Catholics etc it is as big a deal as Christmas.
12 noon from Christmas Eve means never a Christmas Eve or boxing day panto and doesn't necessarily fit in with work.

From your post, it seems your ex has been a shit to you in the past, and you are understandably bitter about that. It comes across that stopping your ex from having what he wants is part of your motivation.

The thing is, you need to work out what’s best for your DC. That’s probably alternating these big days.

Remember that lots of people celebrate Christmas on a different day, for other reasons as well, such as shift work in the emergency services and NHS.

NYE isn’t usually a big deal for children. If it is in your family, just be pleased that you will always be able to get that day, because he doesn’t want it!

Refusing a morning pickup one week in four because you don’t believe the reason given for it, just seems a bit petty. I appreciate you don’t see why you should do him a favour, but it does mean you get that extra time with your DC, after all.

It's not fair on your son to split the days. You need to alternate.

You are both being Unreasonable. You both need to behave like adults rather than indulge in petty point scoring.

Birthdays we have a family tea in the evening with picky bits and cake other parent drops by for cake and candles. Party at the weekend is sorted by whoever they are with. Costs split and other parent attends. Christmas he gets my family do a big Boxing Day dinner and we go and stay for a couple of days. I give them my fabulous gift on Christmas Eve 😉

New years is really nothing for children might have some appetiser in a fancy glass but in bed at normal time. Everything is shut for two days. It’s cold, dark and icy and everyone is skint. Perhaps this changes as they are older.

The best thing to do is be amicable even if they are an arse and a bit flexible where you can. There’s no reason why Christmas has to be full on, it is what you make it. I prefer a relaxed day myself. Birthdays they are often at school anyway unless it falls in the holiday? I’d prefer to alternate years rather than half days as it’s less time pressure. I always tell the dc they get a birthday week and it’s a Christmas season. No need to heap all that pressure on single days imo.

I strongly disagree with splitting birthdays in half. Your child might want to do something on his birthday that takes all day, and should have the opportunity to do so. I think you should alternate those.

With Christmas I think it is more of an option to split the day in half as people do generally just stay at home, and it's probably down to the child whether they would rather split the day but get to see both parents, or just see one on the day but get to feel settled. But if you want to always have him in the morning and your ex wants to have him on the morning too, then it seems simpler just to alternate the whole day.

I don’t think your disability really makes a difference. You seem capable of managing at other times. I don’t really see how seeing great grand parents on Christmas Day is top trumps. He can have special time with all of them over the course of a few days with less pressure. Don’t you think your son would like to relax and enjoy christmas rather than being trotted around various relatives doing performance gratitude for gifts.

You’re being selfish, it’s not about what’s best for you. I’d also be careful with pushing the disability narrative as your ex may use it to go for custody if you’re saying you struggle to care for him on an afternoon.

You wont win your argument at court, so Id save yourself a lot of grief and stress and just agree to alternates for xmas / birthday and alternate NYE as ex’s compromise to you

The only fair way is to alternate. And I’d suggest whole days, not split in half.

Just alternate. Stop making it all about you and think about what's best and easiest for your child.

OP, I would be very careful about mandating a rigid arrangement of mornings/afternoons for special occasions - you only need one element of life to change for either parent and suddenly it doesn’t work any more. Real life needs an element of flexibility

Another vote here for YABU. Alternate whole days will be better for the child, allowing them to have a full day enjoyment of Xmas day/birthday in their PJs, playing with toys, spending time with extended family without having to be whipped away half way through.

I'd say alternate Xmas days -potentially Xmas eve evening to drop off morning Boxing day, which then can be the other parent's Xmas eve, with Dec 27th being their Xmas day (I'd suggest this so that even if drop off is late, it's not eating into "Xmas day", and the parent gets to see the wake up on "Xmas day". Whoever gets Dec 25th, the other parent gets the child's birthday.

Kids might have New Year parties, but NYE isn't really a kids celebration, so I don't think you would win that point in court - I would say that whoever would have your child on the day of the week that NYE/Day falls on has the child for that time as usual.

Looks like you’re going to end up in court as mediation isn’t suitable as you claim dv and multiple threads won’t affect the advice you’re given or make the outcome you want more likely. I’d get a lawyer and leave communication between your paid professionals.

You sound like you're making this really hard work and only looking at what suits you. It's obvious in your posts on here so it will be obvious to a family court. They WILL give your ex whole days/alternate years in court so you may as well save yourself the hassle.

NYE isn't a special occasion- you may see it that way but most do t. The agreed ones are Easter, birthday, Christmas for most people. I understand what you're saying with your disability but no, I don't think it's fair for you to always have the morning time- by the afternoon kids are hyped up and tired, it's not fair you get the happy morning every time. Changing the pick up time once a month, unless you have work commitments, seems to be a bit petty sounding. You are not going to have to compromise although to be ho eat you do t sound that willing to either.

I agree with this. Unfortunately part of co-parenting with an ex involves doing things that you’d prefer not to but doing them anyway as it’s in the best interests of the child. Both you and your ex seem to have lost sight of this. I’m sorry your disability makes afternoons harder but the courts won’t countenance this as a reason to give you every morning.

I think you are being unfair. Why do you get to see the present opening Christmas morning and not him?

Your disability has nothing to do with this frankly

The new year thing is the same. That should be alternated

You could of course see what courts come up with. They may just designate days. In which if Christmas or new falls on those days then you both have to suck it up

It's totally unfair to your child to be moving between two houses on Christmas day. Not fair at all.