To think throwing a preteen a ‘coming out party’ is fucking weird?

[asosStalker]

There’s a conversation on a Facebook group I’m in about throwing an 11yo a coming out party as she has come out to her parents as gay.

I’m queer, and very pro-pride etc. but I feel like this is a lot of pressure for a child? I don’t think anything you decide as a preteen/teen should be set in stone. I just feel like having a big celebration would make it much harder to explore those feelings later on.

@Sosotiredineedsleep your colleague sounds so tiresome. Does anyone ever tell her that nobody gives a damn about her “identity”?

At that age, they are still presexual. Nothing else should be made a big deal of, so that it’s easier for them to navigate changing feelings and bodies until they settle into adulthood.

My kids are late teens. My eldest suspects that she may be bisexual, but also says that she hasn’t met anyone interesting enough to make her go “Phwoaaaaarrrr!!!” and reserves the right to change her mind. She’s 19. The other two are straight (B/G twins 17). Their friends all identify differently and it’s simply not a thing to “Come Out” anymore. Thank goodness! Nobody comes out as straight. In an ideal world, the only people who should give a shit about anyone’s sexuality are the individual and their partner at the time.

I think (and said) nothing of the sort, but hey, I’m not continuing to argue with someone with such limited comprehension skills.
It seems cruel, somehow…
Bless…

You had a problem with a queer woman calling herself queer. Sorry but this is a you problem.

👍🏻 I’m not the least interested in arguing. Simply calling people out on their bigotry.

Yanbu.

It's weird and homophobic. It's not a big thing now. If you wouldn't do it if your child came out as heterosexual (ie you don't embarass them with who they fancy because you know 11 yo will most definitely change who they like). Then don't do it for your child who likes same sex person and lets you know. It will be equally cringe to them once the grow up I'm sure.

And yet when gay or bi people find that word disgustingly offensive they’re also the problem. Funny how it’s bigotry when it suits. What exactly does the ‘q’ word mean when other terms exist to describe one’s sexuality adequately?

It isn’t harming you, is it?

I personally find it more weird that in most of the world it’s still illegal to marry someone of the same sex and that being gay would likely get you disowned if not murdered and/or raped and that most of Europe only started legalizing it in the last 10 years.

So, should people care about a 11yo sexuality? No. But most parents do. They do care if they happen to be gay, and there tend to be a massive amount of pressure for kids to be straight.

I knew I was gay since I was 3. But it took me another 14 years to come out (initially as bisexual, not because I liked men but because I was fighting against being a lesbian as bisexual was still giving hope to others I could be with a man while me being with a woman not being perceived as “as weird”.) I didn’t need a party but it would have been nice in the sense that if I knew I was being supported by my family to the point they would have wanted to celebrate me for being me, I probably wouldn’t have spent a couple of years forcing myself to sleep with men in the hope I would like it and be “normal.”

personally I find it weird that people nitpick everything linked to the LGBTQ+ community. A kid thinking they are gay and changing their mind later down the line isn’t going to hurt anyone, but the heteronormative world in which we live, where being straight is something assumed as the norm, where gay kids have no or extremely little representation in the media (in general but especially targeted to their age group, despite most kids cartoon having a romantic trope between a male/female character), where getting married to someone of the same sex is still either illegal or punishable by law, in most countries and where, when they do feel gay they are automatically told “how would you know? You are so young.” (Something I have never heard said to straight kids who have opposite sex boyfriends and/or girlfriends in primary school) unless they are 18. Is tiring, it’s even deadly because so many queer (lesbian, bi, gay) kids/teens/adults end up killing themselves due to how horrible it is to live in the closet and how much they have been made to help themselves by society at large.

So if you find a party to celebrate a kids sexuality weird, and not everything else I have stated a lot weirder and tragic. You are the problem. Should kids need parties to celebrate their sexualities? No. But when you know that same sex marriage only got legalized and took effect in England less than 10 years ago. Is it really that weird/ bad, to support a kid who feel is gay? and if you are straight when did you know you were straight? Was it REALLY age 18 or when you lost your virginity or you simply always knew you didn’t like girls like that? It’s really not that hard to figure it out. It’s a lot harder to accept it and come out and face the world and the struggles that come with it. Hence why we celebrate it. Not because our sexualities are a big deal (who cares) but it’s because it’s such an ordeal to get to the point where we love ourselves enough to not hide or be ashamed of that part of us, that once we get there, we want to celebrate, not our sexuality as much as the acceptance process.

To hate themselves not help*

11 year old is attention seeking,thats one sure way to get it

YANBU
Too much pressure on the child and also it others homosexuality. I hope my kids don't feel the need to "come out" whatever their sexuality is. Also kind of reeks of trying too hard to be a "cool" parent.

If someone finds the word offensive then obviously don’t apply it to them.
I would never call someone queer unless they used it to describe themself. Equally I would never tell someone who called themself queer that they are not allowed to call themself that.
It’s not for you to declare what words adequately describe another persons sexuality.

@Tandora so you think using a slur to describe your apparent absolute non heterosexuality, regardless of the factual terms already being available for same sex attraction, is fine for you as long as you are not describing others as the same slur? Despite this slur being injected into the mainstream with various allusions to ‘Q actors, Q literature, Q theory’ and so forth. It’s being used as a buzzword, much like LGBTA (and whatever the rest of the increasingly unnecessary letters are). It is rarely necessary to discuss a person’s sexuality, but even when it does come up in the media, a same attracted person is never ‘gay’ or ‘a lesbian’, they’re ‘Q’ or ‘LGBT+’. And yet the huge rise is underhanded homophobia refuses to be seen because ‘we’re all just Q now’.

Do you agree with this under other umbrellas of human society? Racial slurs? Misogynistic ones? How about using the term Asperger’s rather than autism if it so suits, regardless of its awful history? Words have power, they have a history and a meaning. You can try and suggest the poison has been sucked from this word but many still know it for the abuse hurled at them, often violently and with tragic consequences. Anyone with any respect for the history of those who have suffered due to being same sex attracted wouldn’t actually use this term in such a crass ‘I have a label!’ manner.

I don’t understand your point. I don’t know what race you are, but do you tell other people/ communities what words they are allowed to use to describe themselves and their own race? I certainly don’t, and it would be highly offensive for me to do so. The same applies equally to disability etc.

You don’t get to unilaterally decide that queer is an offensive term, when for many people it is the preferred terminology that describes their sexuality (or sometimes gender). By all means don’t use the term to describe yourself, and certainly don’t use it to describe other people, but you don’t get to police other peoples expressions of their sexuality, or any other important and personal aspect of their identity (race, disability, etc).

@Tandora your view is completely ‘I want to so I shall’ without any care for the weight of the slur you are using or the offence it causes other regardless of the fact you are using it to describe yourself. What exactly does q*r stand for that is not covered by gay/lesbian/bi for same sex attraction?

I find it offensive that you take offence - and seek to police - the way that other people describe and express their own sexuality. The person imposing themself on others (in a careless and self- focused manner) is you, not me!

there are many , many people who do not feel the words gay/ bi/ lesbian adequately describe their sexuality for a variety of reasons. Do your own research.

A quick google gives this as a first hit, with an outline of why some people chose the word.

https://www.them.us/story/what-does-queer-mean

You had a problem with a queer woman calling herself queer. Sorry but this is a you problem.

Did I? The post you replied to was my only post on this thread.

Not liking the word queer, and pointing out that it's still offensive and upsetting for some people who associate it with being persecuted, is perfectly reasonable. I'm not calling for it to be banned and I don't think anyone else is. But it is a very loaded and for some very offensive term. Surely you can tell the difference between saying that, and "having a problem with queer people". Either you seriously lack reasoning skills or you were deliberately twisting what was said to take manufactured offence.

You don’t get to unilaterally decide that queer is an offensive term

It's not unilateral at all. If someone suddenly claimed "table" was offensive, then yes that would be unilateral and unreasonable because nobody thinks that. "Queer" as you must know has a long history of being used in attacks, slurs and ostracizing of gay people. Numerous LGB people object to it, go on twitter and do some research eh.

I don’t understand your point. I don’t know what race you are, but do you tell other people/ communities what words they are allowed to use to describe themselves and their own race? I certainly don’t, and it would be highly offensive for me to do so. The same applies equally to disability etc.

What about women? Are they allowed to use "biological woman" "real woman" or "actual woman" to describe themselves? Do you tell them they have to use "cis"?

What's a "queer woman"?

This.

Did I? The post you replied to was my only post on this thread.
sorry correction - my only post about “queer”