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Original poster

To think throwing a preteen a ‘coming out party’ is fucking weird?

126 replies

asosStalker · 27/08/2023 18:22

There’s a conversation on a Facebook group I’m in about throwing an 11yo a coming out party as she has come out to her parents as gay.

I’m queer, and very pro-pride etc. but I feel like this is a lot of pressure for a child? I don’t think anything you decide as a preteen/teen should be set in stone. I just feel like having a big celebration would make it much harder to explore those feelings later on.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 27/08/2023 20:36

EarthlyNightshade · 27/08/2023 20:29

The Q in LGBTQ stands for queer or questioning.
I personally wouldn't use it, but I am surprised so many people find it offensive.

I'm 65 and in a lesbian relationship. For people of my age group - especially the gay men - being called queer was often accompanied by being punched and kicked.

This "coming out party" for a child is ridiculous. The parents are actually saying it's something 'different'. My friend's granddaughter, who is now 29, said she was lesbian at 16 and had a girlfriend for 6 months. Every relationship since that has been with a man and she now lives with her boyfriend of 4 years. Another friend's 17 year old granddaughter had a girlfriend at 15, followed by boyfriends.

Kids (especially girls) today exist in a climate of greater acceptance of gay orientation and therefore are more likely to form close friendships which might become more emotional/physical. Parents need to back off and leave them to it, not paint them into a corner.

Hardertheyfall · 27/08/2023 20:47

@EarthlyNightshade In our town, if you were gay or lesbian or even looked vaguely non conformist( think shaved head, man's suit, dm etc and were female) you could end up getting a " queer bashing". This is why that word still installs fear and despair in people who grew up in the 70s/80s/90s. Shite times.

LonginesPrime · 27/08/2023 20:48

BloodandGlitter · 27/08/2023 18:49

I know the group you're talking about it, it's for the child to come out to their Dad and Grandma and is something the kid wants to do.

It sounds a like the 11 year old has misunderstood what a "coming out" party is and thinks other people have parties to come out as gay.

It sounds odd and unfair to put two family members on the spot like that - if I were one of those family members, I would feel humiliated that they told everyone else before me and then enlisted everyone else's help to tell me, as if it had to be done in public as they fear my reaction or something.

EarthlyNightshade · 27/08/2023 20:49

Hardertheyfall · 27/08/2023 20:47

@EarthlyNightshade In our town, if you were gay or lesbian or even looked vaguely non conformist( think shaved head, man's suit, dm etc and were female) you could end up getting a " queer bashing". This is why that word still installs fear and despair in people who grew up in the 70s/80s/90s. Shite times.

I appreciate what you are saying and would not dream of using the word myself (and actually did think/do think it was offensive).
But do the people who find it offensive not use LGBTQ?

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 27/08/2023 20:52

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/08/2023 20:35

Pre teen - this could be anything between new born and nine years old. Queer - this is still considered to be a homophobic slur amongst my gay friends
Coming out - as in a coming out ball that Debutantes used to have back in the 1950’S?

So many questions!

Your first question could be answered by actually reading the OP. The child is 11.

Edited

Being so invested in an 11 year old kid’s sexuality is well off, even without throwing a bloody party to cerebrate it.

feellikeanalien · 27/08/2023 20:53

Wisenotboring · 27/08/2023 19:18

I'm not sure why sexual orientation and sexuality of any variety needs to be celebrated or receive a parry at any point in life. If people's feelings feel natural I'm.not sure why we need to have a party? By all means celebrate weddings etc but this seems unnecessary.
To the case in point, I find it very uncomfortable to be celebrating or publicising the sexuality of a relatively young child. Aside from the fact that these feelings may or may not change, adults shouldn't be promoting events that focus on the sexuality of children. As a society we need to get a grip and understand that sexuality is just one part of who we are and there are many other equally or more important things. It's also worth noting that a person doesn't need to be sexually active to have a valid and purposeful existence!

This describes exactly how I feel about it.

Richmondgal · 27/08/2023 20:56

RedLem0nade · 27/08/2023 18:30

Got you now! Agree with you- too much pressure and making way too much of a big deal about this. Their child has confided in them- do they really need to throw a parade FFS?

Agree totally
this all about the parents
if I told my parents something personal and they threw a party to broadcast it I would be disgusted
mos people have no clue about their sexuality at 11 the child has not had any experience obviously and probably little understanding about it and is looking for attention

Richmondgal · 27/08/2023 20:58

feellikeanalien · 27/08/2023 20:53

This describes exactly how I feel about it.

Show quote history

And me
i have a number of sexual kinks I don’t need a party to celebrate it and get anybody else’s approval

Valerie23 · 27/08/2023 21:01

Aged 11 myself and my friends had romantic crushes not sexual feelings for pop stars, actors and fictional characters.

A coming out party sounds hideous and indicates to me it's about sexual feelings.

It's utterly gross.

Tandora · 27/08/2023 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you for real??

😡

MagpiePi · 27/08/2023 21:12

This sounds like it’s more about the parents want to show how cool and trendy they are than anything to do with their child.

msmatcha · 27/08/2023 21:23

I actually thought this meant coming out as in 'debutante into society'. Thought 11 indeed ridiculous for this. 11 also ridiculously young to officially come out as gay. 14 I'd understand think.

Delphinium20 · 27/08/2023 21:38

For me, people have lost the plot and it's just all weird American culture here.

The debutante/coming out/promenade concept was brought to American shores by British colonists...

MeAgainPeeps · 27/08/2023 21:41

I think throwing a party is weird. I also think public declarations are weird. I'd be inclined to say mummy loves you and will always support you. I don't care who you find attractive as long as they treat you right and with respect.

Ofcourseshecan · 27/08/2023 21:42

willWillSmithsmith · 27/08/2023 19:22

I don’t think having a party to celebrate your eleven year old’s sexuality is ok no matter what that sexuality might be.

I agree 100%. The sexualisation of children is a horrible adult-led trend, doing nothing good for the children. Also, this is too much pressure on a 11-year-old. Let them be children, changing their minds and life plans with every new idea, harmlessly.

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 27/08/2023 21:58

Tandora · 27/08/2023 21:08

Are you for real??

😡

Show quote history

It’s a fair question, these days…
Queer is such an odd word to use to describe yourself.

Duckskitbank · 27/08/2023 21:58

@EarthlyNightshade I just use LGB, like the charity LGB Alliance. I don’t think T fits in with sexual orientation and I’ve yet to hear a logical explanation of queer.

Duckskitbank · 27/08/2023 21:59

I am, are you? Or are you an emoji bot?

HectorSalamanca · 27/08/2023 22:05

Between the ages 11 and 15, my DD has been non-binary, a lesbian, straight and bi.

It's a ridiculous thing to connect a child to a sexuality at the age of 12 ffs.

It's the vegan cat argument.

This is 100% parent lead.

I'll bet it will be also posted all over social media.

LoveThisUsername · 27/08/2023 22:11

Yanbu. These people are ridiculous.

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:48

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 27/08/2023 21:58

It’s a fair question, these days…
Queer is such an odd word to use to describe yourself.

Show quote history

Oh ok. And I guess you’re the type of person who thinks they get to decide what and who is “normal” and what and who is “odd”, and then sneer / have an dig about it? I thought homophobia was considered uncouth these days.. silly me.

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 27/08/2023 22:53

Tandora · 27/08/2023 22:48

Oh ok. And I guess you’re the type of person who thinks they get to decide what and who is “normal” and what and who is “odd”, and then sneer / have an dig about it? I thought homophobia was considered uncouth these days.. silly me.

Show quote history

Your posts are incredibly weird 🤷🏻‍♀️

RedToothBrush · 27/08/2023 23:44

There are 11 year olds who still are at a maturity level who will see a TV programme about a US kid, coming out and they get a massive party and loads of attention and think 'hmm I fancy a bit of that', and so would declare themselves as queer just to get the party without having a fucking clue what being queer even meant. In part because they are yet to enter puberty and don't have any sexuality so to speak of yet.

This is the problem. Associating celebration in this way with sexuality, for kids who don't have the capacity to understand creates issues. Some kids WILL understand at that age, but others are vulnerable to being almost sold an idea. That's why it's inappropriate.

And as others have said it makes it harder to rewind from that, if you find yourself then doubting your initial feelings. It traps you.

More to the point, I do think there's an element of parental over compensation to almost demonstrate that they accept their gay child publicly, when in reality I think the overcompensate is about suppressing more private feelings.

If you weren't bothered and it didn't make any difference to you, you wouldn't make a fuss. You'd just blink, shrug and go 'and?!'

PostItInABook · 28/08/2023 00:36

This will all go on the parents social media to demonstrate how progressive as parents they are. It’s not going to actually be about the child and their needs.

Threenow · 28/08/2023 00:57

BloodandGlitter · 27/08/2023 18:49

I know the group you're talking about it, it's for the child to come out to their Dad and Grandma and is something the kid wants to do.

Wow, has anyone thought about how Dad and Grandma might feel about it?

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