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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think throwing a preteen a ‘coming out party’ is fucking weird?

126 replies

asosStalker · 27/08/2023 18:22

There’s a conversation on a Facebook group I’m in about throwing an 11yo a coming out party as she has come out to her parents as gay.

I’m queer, and very pro-pride etc. but I feel like this is a lot of pressure for a child? I don’t think anything you decide as a preteen/teen should be set in stone. I just feel like having a big celebration would make it much harder to explore those feelings later on.

OP posts:
RedLem0nade · 27/08/2023 18:24

Now do we mean coming out of the closet or coming out into “society” a la the Regency era?

Actually, either way is a hard no from me.

PinkiOcelot · 27/08/2023 18:24

Don’t really get your post.

Original poster
asosStalker · 27/08/2023 18:26

Sorry, I have very fat thumbs.

OP posts:
Raspbear · 27/08/2023 18:28

Yeah I agree, feels weird. If she wants to change her mind later on she may feel she can't.

I think the parents are coming at this from a good albeit misguided place. They obviously love her very much and want to show support. Not all kids are that lucky.

RedLem0nade · 27/08/2023 18:30

Got you now! Agree with you- too much pressure and making way too much of a big deal about this. Their child has confided in them- do they really need to throw a parade FFS?

Ladybrrrd · 27/08/2023 18:34

It's a bit daft but, especially if it's the child's idea I can't see any harm. Presumably it will just be a party with the child's mates and some rainbow cakes. I'd just say not my circus tbh

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/08/2023 18:46

YANBU, it's weird.

I don’t think anything you decide as a preteen/teen should be set in stone.

I agree with this. I mean - I get all the arguments about 'you wouldn't think that a kid being heterosexual was a phase', but equally it doesn't seem to be that uncommon for young people to announce they are gay and then later say they are bi etc. Such a public and attention-seeking declaration seems unwise to say the least.

BloodandGlitter · 27/08/2023 18:49

I know the group you're talking about it, it's for the child to come out to their Dad and Grandma and is something the kid wants to do.

StillWantingADog · 27/08/2023 18:49

As a parent of a not quite 11 yo i would find this quite shocking. My ds really has no idea how he will turn out sexuality wise. And it hasn’t occurred to him to even think about it outside of phase lessons.

HermioneWeasley · 27/08/2023 18:51

What do you mean by “queer”?

Ezzie100 · 27/08/2023 18:55

I totally agree. At 11 they are still figuring out all that stuff. I mean some people take years to get there. I think it's coming from the best of intentions but is misguided.

Duckskitbank · 27/08/2023 18:57

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Hardertheyfall · 27/08/2023 18:59

Totally agree Op. Way OTT for a child of that age. Fantastic that parents etc are supportive as you get some real nasty unsupportive one still in this day n age unfortunately,but a bit too much for their age and places alot of pressure on a child of 11.

00100001 · 27/08/2023 18:59

So weird. Who has coming out parties regardless of age?

Who gives a fuck??

TooBigForMyBoots · 27/08/2023 19:00

So is it just for the child, parents and grandparents?

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 27/08/2023 19:00

Sexual Orientation does not need to be celebrated or acknowledged in children. It's fucking sinister IMO.

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 27/08/2023 19:01

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 27/08/2023 19:00

Sexual Orientation does not need to be celebrated or acknowledged in children. It's fucking sinister IMO.

Couldn’t agree more.

BloodandGlitter · 27/08/2023 19:01

TooBigForMyBoots · 27/08/2023 19:00

So is it just for the child, parents and grandparents?

Yes, that's the information missing by OP.

Whiskerson · 27/08/2023 19:02

BloodandGlitter · 27/08/2023 18:49

I know the group you're talking about it, it's for the child to come out to their Dad and Grandma and is something the kid wants to do.

What, they are going to announce this to the dad and grandma at the party?! Why not just have a low-key conversation about it? Why the big ambush? It is a weird way to teach an 11yo about expressing themselves, sharing news and so on. And a lot of pressure for everyone, especially the 11yo.

Gerrataere · 27/08/2023 19:05

Yanbu about celebrating a prepubescent child’s ‘sexuality’.

You are very much unreasonable for using the ‘q’ word. Many LGB people still find it a disgusting slur however much you think you’re ‘owning it’. In fact many people I see describing themselves as that word are very much straight and just want to fit in somewhere under the pride umbrella…

LakeTiticaca · 27/08/2023 19:05

No. 11 is a confusing age. If they still feel the same at 16 maybe.

10HailMarys · 27/08/2023 19:06

So when you say “People are talking about…” do you mean it’s actually happening and you know the person who is arranging it? Or has someone said “My friend’s husband’s cousin has a gay child and they’re having a coming out party for her” or shared a clickbait story from a ‘news’ site about it?

malificent7 · 27/08/2023 19:07

I don't think it's that sinister tbh. Many young people have an inkling of who they fancy YEARS before doing the deed.

Austrich · 27/08/2023 19:08

Honestly the fact the child expects a coming out party would give me even more skepticism as to the likelihood of this sexuality lasting into teens/adulthood.

I'm gay (not queer) and only ever wanted a normal life with no hoopla, that was my concern at age 11. There were a few girls in my year who made a major deal of ''coming out" around year 10/11, and who have since quietly settled down with their husbands.

RaininSummer · 27/08/2023 19:09

For me that has crossed a line from supportive to ludicrous.

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