To think throwing a preteen a ‘coming out party’ is fucking weird?

[asosStalker]

There’s a conversation on a Facebook group I’m in about throwing an 11yo a coming out party as she has come out to her parents as gay.

I’m queer, and very pro-pride etc. but I feel like this is a lot of pressure for a child? I don’t think anything you decide as a preteen/teen should be set in stone. I just feel like having a big celebration would make it much harder to explore those feelings later on.

It's weird even if it is just to tell the gps and father .

Queer isn't a word I've ever used as it was more of a slur when I was young . Obviously younger people don't think of it the same way or we wouldn't have LGBTQ

Post is very clear. I agree with you.

Sounds like a thing for the parents to show how progressive and cool they are. I know a woman who's daughter announced she wanted to be a boy, the woman has made parent of a trans child her entire identity, all over social media. Where is the opportunity for that girl to change her mind or grow out of it?

For me, people have lost the plot and it's just all weird American culture here.

The debutante/coming out/promenade concept was brought to American shores by British colonists...

And had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with 'coming out' as gay.

well you apparently have a problem with queer people, because you think they are “odd”.
So…. 💁🏼‍♀️

Very bad parenting and leaves fewer options for any healthy teen. It could be hugely embarrassing in future and cause stress.

Why not quietly, lovingly support 11 year old to focus on what they wish to achieve and learn in the next seven years of her life? Sexuality is very personal and I can not believe that the kid instigated all this attention. If so I would redirect as parents should know better than to think this is sensible.
I call the parents boderline abusive.

The number one definition of Queer is odd. Some straight people declare they’re queer because they dyed their hair a different colour or have a kink etc. It is literally trying to label oneself as other and not the norm; ergo odd (so they can feel special and get attention)

its weird to have a party to celebrate a child sexual identity. Little Johnny is just a child and his brain is developing but he might take it up the ass when he’s older so let’s throw a party and advertise it.

other kids want to be celebrated too, it encourages them to come out as whatever is trendy for cookies and attention… dare I say there are grooming elements

It gives me the icks in the same way that First Period, “DD’s finally a woman” cakes do or Daddy-Daughter dates. Blech!
I know too many overly-involved parents who want to “ride the bus” and feed their own egos in ways that are detrimental to their kids. What if the kid wants to keep this private?

well you apparently have a problem with queer people, because you think they are “odd”.
So….

Wow that’s some Herculean twisting! Not liking the word (and recently historical slur) queer and/or the way it’s being used to appropriate same-sex attraction into a “special” status for anyone who wants it is not “having a problem with queer people”.

Claiming victimhood using sophistry is ridiculous and massively disrespectful to people who have actually suffered “queer-bashing” attacks.

Seems very weird and creepy to me. Why throw a party because your tween has discovered they possess sexual desire? It's normal and nothing to draw attention to.

Apparently, according to an excruciating training I did a few years back, where the trainer DEMANDED we all he/she/they our email signatures (we all refused); Queer is allowed to sad by members of the LGBTQAI... community only. 'Cis' people aren't permitted to label people thus.
That was a stressful morning.

It makes me uncomfortable because it suggests that straight is the default and gay is something that needs to be announced and accepted. I thought we were moving away from that.

11? 😮

I don’t understand what it is either and always understood it to be a slur.

Yep

Double yep

https://www.sexualdiversity.org/edu/theory/

How do you know what your child has or hasn't been thinking about? Unless you're a mind reader of course 🤣

OP I agree totally with you. I'm very pro pride and bi myself, but I never understand why people of any age, let alone someone so young, would make a song and dance about coming out. Surely parents going along with this are just teaching them that being queer is 'different' and something they have to 'come out' about. When in reality, we should be working on normalizing it. No straight person has ever had to come out, so why should a queer person...especially one so young who may or may not see their sexuality changing the more they develop and explore it.

There's a lot of 'coming out parties' on TikTok..could this be where this idea has come from for this child? It seems to be popular right now. I guess if it's what they want and if it will help them in some way feel more comfortable about it all, then fair enough, but I do think the parents should be helping them see that it's really not necessary, instead of encouraging it.

Indeed.

Someone has said, "I don't see an issue with this. It's good to hear the family are supportive."

But are they? The mother is evidently supportive.

From the information we've been given, it sounds as though the father and grandparents don't know yet and this party is being used as a "safe space" (for want of a better term) to inform them.

That's our approach too. Ds1 is 12 and has autism and for a period of time though that because he does not really 'fit' socially it must be because he must be gay. I say to him ' don't put a label on anything or put yourself in a box. You might be gay, bi, or straight. What does it matter?'.

Mind you, he did say to me last year 'I think I'm gay. .... what does that actually mean?' And when I explained it meant same sex attracted he mused ; 'No, maybe not then.'

Who knows.... but kids are still figuring out who they are (I'm 50 and I am not even sure who the real me is) I hate the idea of slapping a label on and then the child feeling there is no room to adapt or change.

FFS I thought ‘queer’ was now acceptable because I see it used a lot . It surprised me as I always thought it was a slur. Now this thread is telling me it’s not acceptable to some.

It’s honestly exhausting trying to keep
up and make sure you don’t offend anyone.

• I thought pre-teen was 9 to 12?

• My gay colleague defines herself as 'queer'. She insists on identifying as a 'queer, cis gendered woman'. Apparently it's a new thing among the 20 something LGBTQ+ community to "reclaim" the word queer. So not offensive to all it seems.

Agreed.

Awful and a person's sexuality should not be said on Facebook or any social media unless stated by them.

Depressing