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Original poster

To think throwing a preteen a ‘coming out party’ is fucking weird?

126 replies

asosStalker · 27/08/2023 18:22

There’s a conversation on a Facebook group I’m in about throwing an 11yo a coming out party as she has come out to her parents as gay.

I’m queer, and very pro-pride etc. but I feel like this is a lot of pressure for a child? I don’t think anything you decide as a preteen/teen should be set in stone. I just feel like having a big celebration would make it much harder to explore those feelings later on.

OP posts:
Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 27/08/2023 19:09

malificent7 · 27/08/2023 19:07

I don't think it's that sinister tbh. Many young people have an inkling of who they fancy YEARS before doing the deed.

But why the need to share with everyone? At 11?
Why would the wider family (never mind anyone else) really need this information about a preteen child?

Alycidon · 27/08/2023 19:12

I don't see an issue with this. It's good to hear the family are supportive.

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 27/08/2023 19:14

Alycidon · 27/08/2023 19:12

I don't see an issue with this. It's good to hear the family are supportive.

Support doesn’t require all this razzmatazz.
Throwing a party is bizarre.

SunnieShine · 27/08/2023 19:17

HermioneWeasley · 27/08/2023 18:51

What do you mean by “queer”?

I was going to ask that.

Wisenotboring · 27/08/2023 19:18

I'm not sure why sexual orientation and sexuality of any variety needs to be celebrated or receive a parry at any point in life. If people's feelings feel natural I'm.not sure why we need to have a party? By all means celebrate weddings etc but this seems unnecessary.
To the case in point, I find it very uncomfortable to be celebrating or publicising the sexuality of a relatively young child. Aside from the fact that these feelings may or may not change, adults shouldn't be promoting events that focus on the sexuality of children. As a society we need to get a grip and understand that sexuality is just one part of who we are and there are many other equally or more important things. It's also worth noting that a person doesn't need to be sexually active to have a valid and purposeful existence!

willWillSmithsmith · 27/08/2023 19:22

I don’t think having a party to celebrate your eleven year old’s sexuality is ok no matter what that sexuality might be.

Gerrataere · 27/08/2023 19:23

malificent7 · 27/08/2023 19:07

I don't think it's that sinister tbh. Many young people have an inkling of who they fancy YEARS before doing the deed.

11 year olds do not have a sexuality. Obviously you don’t wake up one day and realise your gay/bi and yes it can be a lot to come to terms with - but children do not have sexualities. That is what maturing in the physiological sense is, not just puberty but the eventual adult sexuality that comes with it. It is a biological process that takes years, announcing something that is based on very little than an inclination is setting up for as much emotional and MH damage as ‘hiding your true self’. Any decent parent would allow a young child to go through the natural maturing process before ‘celebrating’ their child’s sexuality (a hugely crass and attention seeking thing in itself, too many parents are trying to be the new era of pride ‘girlfriends ’, utterly cringeworthy).

SauronsArsehole · 27/08/2023 19:24

If the child has siblings will the other kids feel put out they don’t get a special coming out party too? Regardless if they’re straight, gay or other?

see I find this ‘coming out’ celebration odd. Surely all gay and lesbian individuals want to be treated like the rest of us.

a literal nothing to see here existence rather than a spectacle. This party is making a spectacle of something that should just be seen as normal.

you fancy girls/boys? That’s nice dear now eat your tea. How about you invite your GF/BF for tea next week? Should be all that’s needed imo.

RudsyFarmer · 27/08/2023 19:25

Anyone’s sexuality, particularly when a child, is nothing to have a party about. It should be a standard part of your psyche in the same way you have blue eyes or large feet.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2023 19:29

YANBU it's ridiculous, an 11yr old has no full understanding of making such a declaration.

LadyMadderLake · 27/08/2023 19:35

It's not unheard of to think you might be gay at 11, but a coming-out party is a terrible idea. There's a difference between caring acceptance and saying "that's fine, I love you whether you decide you're straight, gay or bi" or similar, and actively celebrating it for a young child who might not be sure and could change their mind/feelings. It cements it and makes a big deal of it and makes it harder for them to learn and grow and find out more about themselves.

This typifies the whole problem with the recent massive LBGTQ+ push and the way it's become fashionable. Treating everyone the same should mean just that – if you don't need a party for being straight, you don't need one for being gay. This celebration stuff is the reason so many kids especially around this age are desperate to be part of it and be cool, and will easily convince themselves of it to be special, get attention or just escape from feeling uncool.

You should have seen my DD and her friendship group of about 8 girls when they were 10/11. They ALL had to be gay, bi or trans/NB and buy themselves flags and badges. They barely knew what these things even really meant. Six months later they'd forgotten about it and moved onto other interests.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 27/08/2023 19:49

Honestly I think one party a year (ie a birthday party) per child is really enough and anything else is beginning to get into the territory of pretty self involved.

Starlightstarbright2 · 27/08/2023 19:50

My Ds declared he was A sexual, then gay now straight .

each time he was told who ever you fall in love with it’s fine - it doesn’t have to have a label..

A coming out party would have felt he had to stay in that box or have another big deal announcing he is straight .

He has had a couple of girlfriends who knows may have a boyfriend - at least he doesn’t have to concern himself what I will say

DoodlesMam · 27/08/2023 19:50

For me, people have lost the plot and it's just all weird American culture here. When I was at school you went to junior school. Grew. Went to Big school. Left to to to Uni or left to do a job. There were no: proms, no coming out, a very few parties, but ridiculous celebrations of nothing. I enjoyed the A Level party at the school (a barn dance i recall!). These days kids 'graduate' from nursery (in mortar boards and gowns), have 'proms' and balls and goodness knows what. Adult life is going to be a disappointment after all that celebration of hardly anything!

To think throwing a preteen a ‘coming out party’ is fucking weird?
shouldistayorshouldigoorwhat · 27/08/2023 19:52

I think it's stupid. So far my 13 year old DD has come out to me as lesbian, then trans but now says she's a bisexual girl.

Imagine the number of parties we would have had by now.

I personally hate the term 'queer' btw but I'm old enough to remember when it was actively used as hate speech.

Thefamilywaster · 27/08/2023 19:56

At 10 & 11 everyone in my eldest’s class was coming out as gay or bi. It was quite entertaining for the parents as one by one their offspring all declared they were bisexual . As expected few of them actually are as they’ve got older. I love that kids are comfortable saying this kind of thing now even if they don’t necessarily mean it but I don’t think I’d be comfortable with a coming out party so early on in case the party child was one of the ones who changed their mind as they matured.

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 27/08/2023 19:58

I love that kids are comfortable saying this kind of thing now even if they don’t necessarily mean it
Eh? Confused

TheHappyCarrot · 27/08/2023 20:04

Yeah not sure I understand what 'queer' is, is it more interesting than being 'normal'?

SootspriteSearcher · 27/08/2023 20:17

It's absolutely ridiculous to throw a party or even the idea of coming out.

We all need to stop seeing heterosexuality as the default, wait and see who they fall in love with as they grow older.

Finishingoff · 27/08/2023 20:24

I’m totally confused by the word queer. I’m straight and in my 40s and I never use the word as to me, it sounds like a slur. However, I have several gay friends who use the word to describe themselves and say it’s fine to use it. I’ve also read a couple of academic papers which use the term without explanation or discussion of it. But on this thread, people say it’s not OK. Can anyone explain to me if/when it’s acceptable or is this not agreed upon?
FWIW I won’t be using it, but I would like to understand.

TheHappyCarrot · 27/08/2023 20:26

Heterosexuality IS the default though.

EarthlyNightshade · 27/08/2023 20:29

The Q in LGBTQ stands for queer or questioning.
I personally wouldn't use it, but I am surprised so many people find it offensive.

Soontobe60 · 27/08/2023 20:32

Pre teen - this could be anything between new born and nine years old.
Queer - this is still considered to be a homophobic slur amongst my gay friends
Coming out - as in a coming out ball that Debutantes used to have back in the 1950’S?

So many questions!

Soontobe60 · 27/08/2023 20:34

EarthlyNightshade · 27/08/2023 20:29

The Q in LGBTQ stands for queer or questioning.
I personally wouldn't use it, but I am surprised so many people find it offensive.

Why? When it’s still a word that is frequently used as a homophobic slur? It’s grim that some people think its ok to use it.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/08/2023 20:35

Pre teen - this could be anything between new born and nine years old. Queer - this is still considered to be a homophobic slur amongst my gay friends
Coming out - as in a coming out ball that Debutantes used to have back in the 1950’S?

So many questions!

Your first question could be answered by actually reading the OP. The child is 11.