To agree that DH should reduce maintenance

[Tiamaria86]

I have a DSD. We previously had her 2-3 nights a week in general. Sometimes it was more and sometimes less.

Her Mum has decided to retrain in a different career and this has meant late nights and early starts so we now have DSD more like 4-5 nights a week.

DSD has her own room with us and has friends round and we take her to all her hobbies and clubs etc.

DH pays for half her uniform and we buy her clothes and trainers and electronics etc.

DH has approached DSD mum and suggested that maintenance shouldn't be paid anymore. He's happy to go half's on anything she needs as well as continue to buy her things but really monthly maintenance is no longer appropriate.

DSD mum doesn't agree and is really shocked he has suggested this as we are a 2 income household and she will really struggle without it.

DH has suggested paying a lesser amount for now as a transition period which I think is really reasonable. DSD mum is really unhappy about it and can't even believe its been suggested.

My PILs also think DH is unreasonable and should continue to pay.

Am I going mad? Maintenance isn't appropriate in these circumstances is it? Or are we wrong?

Haven’t RTFT. If the Mum is retraining for say 3 years and will then have a better paid job, it might make sense to continue letting her have the child benefit and have an open conversation about some reduced maintenance as you’ve suggested, OP. It’s not legally necessary but it could improve your DSD’s life longterm with her Mum having a new career. Your DSD is the priority here.

After her Mum graduates and is working, however, the maintenance needs to stop if you’re still having your DSD 50% or more.

o/p has already said they have facilitated pick ups and drop offs, taking sd back to her mums for tea as they both work flexibly.

so presumably that has meant mum is able to work.

i worked when mine were little. I used childminders and school wraparound. Having a school age child does not restrict you to working 9-3.

Ah you mean the charities can't prosecute. No they can't. But they can help you make a formal police complaint to ensure that those particular officers do not behave contrary to the law. Assuming they did.

As PP’s have said, technically yes he could stop paying, however it would appear that she’s been the primary carer till recently, and is now playing catch up on her career - and if she’s retraining, is presumably not about to fall into a well paid job.

For DSD’s sake, I think you want to try and be as fair as possibly so she can get on her financial feet, without you two being shafted.

Ideally everyone will compare where they are financially - bills, mortgage and pension - and work out what is fair.

If you can, use a family mediation service as it’s always complex and emotional: your idea of stretched and hers might be different, she may find it hard that your DP is better off by virtue of being a duel income house. It cannot be entirely equal, but you should be able to work out something that everyone feels is fair-ish.

It’s also an opportunity to discuss in advance how they will deal with university fees.

And if the child’s dad decides to stop paying maintenance so he could retrain? Would that be fine as well.

would you expect his ex to pay him as well as long term he will be better paid?

I never said the man was responsible for supporting the ex, I've said the opposite consistently the whole way through

What a surprise. Mum has been the primary carer up till now, tries to improve things by retraining, and he decides now is the time to reduce maintenance? Be warned; if you ever split up this is how he will treat you.

They need to talk and DD's best interests need to be top of the agenda.

Morally a very sudden drastic drop in income for the other household, just as she's trying to find her feet, retrain, improve her own prospects could scupper that. Could it stop her retraining, could it mean your DSD goes back to majority week in an empty home so mum can afford to train and pay for activities?

It sounds as though you're very much her mum too, if having her 5 nights isn't an issue so think about the bigger longer term picture of everyones lives moving forwards.

How long is the retraining - a year, two, three? If her prospects are better post training then maybe looking at reduced maintenance on completion of her studies would be a fairer way forwards - but with discussion and notice that this would happen.

The legal case aside (legal stuff on child maintenance does encourage private arrangements before getting too legally heavy), you're all in each others lives for all your lives. Your DSD's big birthdays, graduation, wedding, grandchildren, their birthday parties etc etc. Maintaining that good relationship will make all those things possible and pleassurable rather than feeling like a chaffing noose around your neck.

@Thisismynewusername1 some people would yes. Op is refusing to follow the financial normal processes in her situation. Others do the same for their own reasons. I have seen mothers on here say they would never claim maintenance for a child the father never or rarely sees. Ultimately, even if I would not do the same, individuals make their own decisions for various reasons.

Why should they be responsible financially for her? If her career has chosen a backseat, it is a choice. Especially as o/p
has said they have done school runs to facilitate this.

just because o/p and her dp have got themselves into a reasonable situation, it doesn’t mean they should go without because someone else didn’t.

the adults finances are their own business. No one should be compensating any other adult. The money on question here is the child’s. Effectively this child’s mum is taking money away from the child- everything he pays her is less for the child. Every penny she doesn’t pay in maintenance is less for the child.

It sounds like she has come to rely on the child maintenance but he is under no obligation to pay it any more. I suspect she has been using it to fund her lifestyle instead of on the child so she will need to get used to doing without now.

It’s not an expectation, @Thisismynewusername1 , it’s a suggestion. The OP seems inclined to encourage an open conversation between her DH and his ex.

It may be that they decide to stop maintenance completely. Or her DH may feel that it’s best for his daughter to continue paying something.

Happily, it sounds as if her DH putting his daughter’s welfare first. Do you think that’s the wrong thing to do?

If her career has chosen a backseat, it is a choice.

Its not a choice for the default parent. Its why women earn less when they have kids.

Fund her lifestyle probably translates to paying the heating and buying food.

But he has the kids most of the time. Why should he pay for the children to the ex when they aren't in her care? I don't understand.

Talking from own experiences it can be something very different than just heating and food.

Not always.

there is always some element of choice to be the default parent. Yes in our society we’re conditioned into this being the mum. It’s a harder choice, granted, but it is possible to have kids and maintain a career.

read the posts about all the mn’ers earning 100k+. That doesn’t sound like women’s careers always take a hit.

All these amazingly concocted scenarios everyone is creating aren't relevant. 5 nights a week plus school runs etc makes OPs household the default residence and so maintenance from them should stop and maintenance TO them should start.

I think you've probably already figured it out, but a good clear conversation about costs and go over the calculations regarding maintenance but your offer already is generous and fair, and considers how this is changing her situation. It's her own fault for assuming maintenance was for her and not the child. They haven't been together for a decade or more and you've taken on a lot of the parenting so she has had her chance same as the both of you, to work to provide for herself. It's strange we assume all Dads need to support ex partners, why? Women are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. If she does this training and increases her earnings, is she going to volunteer to give it to you? Pay towards your pension? If the roles were reversed, would she help you guys out? Its all well and good to be generous, but don't do it at the expense of your own future.

Hi, OP —

I have read all of your posts. You sound both sensible and generous. I have not RTFT.

A transition period whilst the mum trains then, assuming you continue to have DSD at least half the time, terminating maintenance, sounds fine. Her mum receives and will continue to receive CB. Will she be eligible for any other benefits as maintenance winds down?

Letting her know that you will always have her back to keep the lights and heating on should help.