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AIBU?

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Original poster

To agree that DH should reduce maintenance

434 replies

Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 13:16

I have a DSD. We previously had her 2-3 nights a week in general. Sometimes it was more and sometimes less.

Her Mum has decided to retrain in a different career and this has meant late nights and early starts so we now have DSD more like 4-5 nights a week.

DSD has her own room with us and has friends round and we take her to all her hobbies and clubs etc.

DH pays for half her uniform and we buy her clothes and trainers and electronics etc.

DH has approached DSD mum and suggested that maintenance shouldn't be paid anymore. He's happy to go half's on anything she needs as well as continue to buy her things but really monthly maintenance is no longer appropriate.

DSD mum doesn't agree and is really shocked he has suggested this as we are a 2 income household and she will really struggle without it.

DH has suggested paying a lesser amount for now as a transition period which I think is really reasonable. DSD mum is really unhappy about it and can't even believe its been suggested.

My PILs also think DH is unreasonable and should continue to pay.

Am I going mad? Maintenance isn't appropriate in these circumstances is it? Or are we wrong?

OP posts:
EscapeeFromGumtreesMadhouse · 27/08/2023 13:40

The double standards on here are something else.

I'd take it to CMS OP. Why should it be different for her because she's a woman. She's not he NRP so should be treated exactly the same as a NRP father.

Candleabra · 27/08/2023 13:41

Depends what the amount is. Can you still afford it? The CMS figures are the bare minimum and not enough to cover the costs of bringing up a child. If you’re used to that figure then I would continue, if only to keep it all amicable. You may be technically correct that you can reduce payments, but is it worth it if it provokes such ill feeling?

CurlewKate · 27/08/2023 13:44

So because she's spending another night with her dad, that's making him the primary carer?

Shinyandnew1 · 27/08/2023 13:44

sorry to be the bearer of bad news, because of the above, you and dh are stuck and dh must continue to pay unless he has evidence his child will not suffer because of any cuts. as in maybe lose that home

What law/evidence are you basing this on?

Floweryx123 · 27/08/2023 13:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

tiredmama23 · 27/08/2023 13:46

Backagain23 · 27/08/2023 13:33

Maintenance is owed by the NRP to the RP.
It's not "churlish" or "in theory" or "maybe".
A child deserves to be supported by both parents and this principle doesn't change just because in this case the NRP is the mother. It's also not a step mothers job to subsidise a child just so the mother is "more comfortable" 🙄

all of this!

Doyoumind · 27/08/2023 13:47

Findyourneutralspace · 27/08/2023 13:18

If it’s 50/50 it’s usually no maintenance but I can understand the mum’s struggle. Life is hard for single income households at the moment, and the maintenance probably goes towards essential bills and keeping the home running.
The question is what he can afford really, as her mum can’t really downsize given SD still spends a lot of time there.

I'm glad you've said this because people really have no empathy.

Of course legally he doesn't need to pay but it is hard for single income families at the moment, and if she hasn't factored it into her finances it could have an impact.

Some people are worrying for themselves and others about the cost of living crisis, and others, like a PP, are saying the ex should stfu.

If you aren't in a single income household with children, you maybe don't appreciate how different it is to having two incomes.

Tessabelle74 · 27/08/2023 13:47

Findyourneutralspace · 27/08/2023 13:18

If it’s 50/50 it’s usually no maintenance but I can understand the mum’s struggle. Life is hard for single income households at the moment, and the maintenance probably goes towards essential bills and keeping the home running.
The question is what he can afford really, as her mum can’t really downsize given SD still spends a lot of time there.

Maintenance is for the child though not keeping your ex! If the daughter is with her Dad more then the money is needed for her when she's with them and quite rightly the maintenance should stop. The proposed arrangement is more than fair

MarshyMcMarshFace · 27/08/2023 13:48

Was her Mum putting this training and eventual new career on hold until her Dd is at secondary and able to see to herself after school etc?

Until now has her Mum been maintaining a lower paid job to enable school runs / holidays etc? Disadvantaged herself in any way career wise and pension wise due to motherhood?

If so I think that morally your DH should continue maintenance until her training is completed.

Your DH has enough income to have started a new family, pay half the upkeep of new Dc, has his Ex been able to afford the same while being a resident parent?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 27/08/2023 13:48

Definitely not unreasonable.

Technically shouldn't she be paying maintenance now if she only has her daughter 2-3 nights a week?

Tessabelle74 · 27/08/2023 13:48

Doyoumind · 27/08/2023 13:47

I'm glad you've said this because people really have no empathy.

Of course legally he doesn't need to pay but it is hard for single income families at the moment, and if she hasn't factored it into her finances it could have an impact.

Some people are worrying for themselves and others about the cost of living crisis, and others, like a PP, are saying the ex should stfu.

If you aren't in a single income household with children, you maybe don't appreciate how different it is to having two incomes.

Show quote history

But she's a single income with a child only 2 nights a week. She should be paying HIM maintenance technicallly. The maintenance is for the child, not to keep your ex so if the child is with you more then quite rightly you need the money more

Insommmmnia · 27/08/2023 13:49

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

I'm assuming the OP lives in the UK in which case a lot of what you have said here is complete rubbish

Insommmmnia · 27/08/2023 13:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

I'm assuming the OP lives in the UK in which case a lot of what you have said here is complete rubbish

FloydPepper · 27/08/2023 13:51

How come where it’s a mother who is now the NRP there’s loads of concern that she has a low salary and shouldn’t be in hardship.

male NRPs rarely get that concern on here

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2023 13:51

Hilarious responses. You’re now the resident household, she owes you maintenance. The general cry on here is that maintenance doesn’t begin to cover the costs of a resident child so it’s the least she can do.

DSD is owed her mother’s contribution to her primary household. He’s very unreasonable to not apply for what his child is owed. He should also claim child benefit. If he’s not going to claim both for his child’s sake then he needs to stop paying her anything. They’re not together, he only needs to support his child, not someone he used to be in a relationship with.

OP’s income is irrelevant. The ex’s income is irrelevant.

FloydPepper · 27/08/2023 13:51

CurlewKate · 27/08/2023 13:44

So because she's spending another night with her dad, that's making him the primary carer?

That’s how cms works

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 13:52

We're not just going to stop it as I understand she must rely on it. But we are taking on extra costs as we are now paying for after school clubs, packed lunches etc.

You’re not well off, why would you not stop the maintenance?

Stop it, she’s acting shocked because she knows she’s taking the piss.

Backagain23 · 27/08/2023 13:52

Doyoumind · 27/08/2023 13:47

I'm glad you've said this because people really have no empathy.

Of course legally he doesn't need to pay but it is hard for single income families at the moment, and if she hasn't factored it into her finances it could have an impact.

Some people are worrying for themselves and others about the cost of living crisis, and others, like a PP, are saying the ex should stfu.

If you aren't in a single income household with children, you maybe don't appreciate how different it is to having two incomes.

Show quote history

Maybe the mother doesn't appreciate how different it is having at least one child full time and another 5 nights per week, since she only has one child 2 days per week.

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 13:52

If he’s having her 4-5 nights a week the cheeky cow should be paying you!! Not the other way around.

Floweryx123 · 27/08/2023 13:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Doyoumind · 27/08/2023 13:53

Tessabelle74 · 27/08/2023 13:48

But she's a single income with a child only 2 nights a week. She should be paying HIM maintenance technicallly. The maintenance is for the child, not to keep your ex so if the child is with you more then quite rightly you need the money more

Show quote history

But the reality is that the difference in outgoings between her DD being with her say 2 days a week and 4 days a week is minimal. She still needs to put a roof over her head, pay for clothes etc. The amount she will save on bills is negligible, and likely not huge on food.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 27/08/2023 13:53

Of course legally he doesn't need to pay but it is hard for single income families at the moment, and if she hasn't factored it into her finances it could have an impact.

Well, maybe she should have considered that before she decided to retrain and gave up being her child's main carer?

Backagain23 · 27/08/2023 13:54

FloydPepper · 27/08/2023 13:51

How come where it’s a mother who is now the NRP there’s loads of concern that she has a low salary and shouldn’t be in hardship.

male NRPs rarely get that concern on here

I know!
This woman is actually worse than the garden variety "dead beat dad" because she is actually taking money from her child, not simply neglecting to pay maintenance!

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 13:54

Doyoumind · 27/08/2023 13:47

I'm glad you've said this because people really have no empathy.

Of course legally he doesn't need to pay but it is hard for single income families at the moment, and if she hasn't factored it into her finances it could have an impact.

Some people are worrying for themselves and others about the cost of living crisis, and others, like a PP, are saying the ex should stfu.

If you aren't in a single income household with children, you maybe don't appreciate how different it is to having two incomes.

Show quote history

It’s not ops or her DH problem that she’s stayed single.

They shouldn’t have to compensate for her choices.

tiredmama23 · 27/08/2023 13:54

CurlewKate · 27/08/2023 13:44

So because she's spending another night with her dad, that's making him the primary carer?

Yes for CMS purposes. It goes on number of nights with each parent - whoever the child is with for more nights is the resident parent.