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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree that DH should reduce maintenance

434 replies

Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 13:16

I have a DSD. We previously had her 2-3 nights a week in general. Sometimes it was more and sometimes less.

Her Mum has decided to retrain in a different career and this has meant late nights and early starts so we now have DSD more like 4-5 nights a week.

DSD has her own room with us and has friends round and we take her to all her hobbies and clubs etc.

DH pays for half her uniform and we buy her clothes and trainers and electronics etc.

DH has approached DSD mum and suggested that maintenance shouldn't be paid anymore. He's happy to go half's on anything she needs as well as continue to buy her things but really monthly maintenance is no longer appropriate.

DSD mum doesn't agree and is really shocked he has suggested this as we are a 2 income household and she will really struggle without it.

DH has suggested paying a lesser amount for now as a transition period which I think is really reasonable. DSD mum is really unhappy about it and can't even believe its been suggested.

My PILs also think DH is unreasonable and should continue to pay.

Am I going mad? Maintenance isn't appropriate in these circumstances is it? Or are we wrong?

OP posts:
Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 17:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/08/2023 17:40

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

If this were a man, he'd just jack his job in and not pay anything without having any care of his child.

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 17:41

@Milkkbottles so your partner yells at you and you call the police. Really!!
He took the children elsewhere anyway so why would you call the police and why would any police even turn up?

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 27/08/2023 17:41

I wouldn't be paying anything......you're the main carers plus the mum is probably claiming top up benefits as a single parent.....her inability to get her shit together really isn't your problem. Stop the money and use what you save to fund your dsds extra costs if you won't claim the maintenance you're entitled to.

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 17:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

FloydPepper · 27/08/2023 17:42

Countdown2023 · 27/08/2023 17:23

Surely child benefit needs to go to where the child is spending most of its time.

Apparently unless that’s at the dads, then it’s up for debate

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 17:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

FloydPepper · 27/08/2023 17:43

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/08/2023 17:40

If this were a man, he'd just jack his job in and not pay anything without having any care of his child.

Show quote history

we all do that do we?

bollocks!

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 17:43

@Milkkbottles statistically in most cases where a man reports his female partner hit him, he has been abusing her.
The police absolutely do prosecute women who abuse male partners. If he really was abused and the police did nothing contact a male domestic abuse charity to take it further.

GrannyGoggins · 27/08/2023 17:45

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 17:43

@Milkkbottles statistically in most cases where a man reports his female partner hit him, he has been abusing her.
The police absolutely do prosecute women who abuse male partners. If he really was abused and the police did nothing contact a male domestic abuse charity to take it further.

And that's exactly why men don't report it, because it gets turned around on them just because they are the physically bigger person.

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 17:45

@Milkkbottles so more than simply yelling then. Being intimidating, threatening behaviour, verbal threats.

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 17:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

FloydPepper · 27/08/2023 17:46

Can we avoid the domestic abuse tangent. Threads on that tend to get removed

GrannyGoggins · 27/08/2023 17:46

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 17:39

Why was he never considered a victim of domestic abuse?
It was not just because he was a man.

Is this question for me? Sorry I couldn't tell.

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 17:46

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/08/2023 17:47

I'm torn on this

Yes morally if dad is at yours 4/5 nights and dad now the primary carer then maintenance should be reduced

Equally my friend who split from her partner two years ago , the dad is now paying less maintenance and mum
Is struggling but the child is only 5 so she has to find work 9/3 and she does all her sons school drop offs /pick ups

How much does he pay now @Tiamaria86 and what does he want to reduce it to

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 17:48

@GrannyGoggins abusive men may not report it. If a man is being abused statistically research shows he reports it to the police at an earlier stage than a woman would.
We all know there have been well publicised cases where a woman has seriously injured or killed her male partner and been prosecuted.
I understand anyone being abused may worry police may not take it seriously. That is why domestic abuse charities exist, contact one for men.

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 17:49

@Milkkbottles I am not the one who brought up another thread and misrepresented it here.

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 17:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

GrannyGoggins · 27/08/2023 17:51

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 17:48

@GrannyGoggins abusive men may not report it. If a man is being abused statistically research shows he reports it to the police at an earlier stage than a woman would.
We all know there have been well publicised cases where a woman has seriously injured or killed her male partner and been prosecuted.
I understand anyone being abused may worry police may not take it seriously. That is why domestic abuse charities exist, contact one for men.

I disagree, research shows that men are unlikely to report it for those reasons.

The study by Tsui et al 2010 is interesting on this subject.

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 17:51

@Milkkbottles I said if he was abused and the police really did nothing, contact a male domestic abuse charity for help.

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 17:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 17:54

@GrannyGoggins I agree that men are reluctant to report domestic abuse as are women. There are lots of reasons and they are different for women and men. But those who do report to the police, men do report at an earlier stage on average.
The reality is that police prosecutions of domestic abuse are nowhere near high enough.

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 17:55

@Milkkbottles why can't they prosecute?

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 17:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.