Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree that DH should reduce maintenance

434 replies

Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 13:16

I have a DSD. We previously had her 2-3 nights a week in general. Sometimes it was more and sometimes less.

Her Mum has decided to retrain in a different career and this has meant late nights and early starts so we now have DSD more like 4-5 nights a week.

DSD has her own room with us and has friends round and we take her to all her hobbies and clubs etc.

DH pays for half her uniform and we buy her clothes and trainers and electronics etc.

DH has approached DSD mum and suggested that maintenance shouldn't be paid anymore. He's happy to go half's on anything she needs as well as continue to buy her things but really monthly maintenance is no longer appropriate.

DSD mum doesn't agree and is really shocked he has suggested this as we are a 2 income household and she will really struggle without it.

DH has suggested paying a lesser amount for now as a transition period which I think is really reasonable. DSD mum is really unhappy about it and can't even believe its been suggested.

My PILs also think DH is unreasonable and should continue to pay.

Am I going mad? Maintenance isn't appropriate in these circumstances is it? Or are we wrong?

OP posts:
WimbyAce · 27/08/2023 18:14

Iwantcakeeveryday · 27/08/2023 18:12

I think you've probably already figured it out, but a good clear conversation about costs and go over the calculations regarding maintenance but your offer already is generous and fair, and considers how this is changing her situation. It's her own fault for assuming maintenance was for her and not the child. They haven't been together for a decade or more and you've taken on a lot of the parenting so she has had her chance same as the both of you, to work to provide for herself. It's strange we assume all Dads need to support ex partners, why? Women are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. If she does this training and increases her earnings, is she going to volunteer to give it to you? Pay towards your pension? If the roles were reversed, would she help you guys out? Its all well and good to be generous, but don't do it at the expense of your own future.

Agreed, this is a sensible and fair post.

HamBone · 27/08/2023 18:15

The best thing about this scenario is that both parents are involved and seem to want the best for their DD. She sounds as if she’s fine spending more time at her Dad’s and he’ll try to make the best financial decision for her.

So often that’s not the case.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/08/2023 18:17

@Thisismynewusername1 in my
Friends case if she paid for childcare before /after school care she wouldn't be able to afford it /wouid take a huge chunk of her salary

Yes I know that is what happened to most people but when struggling to live off her Salary and cm drops as well .....

In op case I know they are doing the schools runs

Ponoka7 · 27/08/2023 18:20

I agree that how being the primary carer, even before you came along might have impacted her finances needs to be taken into account. What are your PILs reasons for agreeing with the ex?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/08/2023 18:25

Thelnebriati · 27/08/2023 18:04

If her career has chosen a backseat, it is a choice.

Its not a choice for the default parent. Its why women earn less when they have kids.

But she hasn't been. OP and her spouse have been doing a lot of the parenting since the child was tiny.

The ex has had 10 long years to hustle to improve her situation and failed to do so. That's not her ex-husband's responsibility to ameliorate.

areyouhavinglaugh · 27/08/2023 18:25

Embarrassingparent · 27/08/2023 18:08

All these amazingly concocted scenarios everyone is creating aren't relevant. 5 nights a week plus school runs etc makes OPs household the default residence and so maintenance from them should stop and maintenance TO them should start.

Agree! It's one of those 'single mothers are to be shamed posts'

Pops up every few weeks, along other spurious posts 🙄

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 18:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

areyouhavinglaugh · 27/08/2023 18:31

I'm thinking of setting up a thread called "call out incels"

Post all threads here and we can discuss 😀

MeAgainPeeps · 27/08/2023 18:36

How much money is he paying?

Personally, I would support her to complete her studies because ultimately, that's in DSC best interests. I think it's best to reduce it slowly. Would you consider reducing it by 1/3 until after she finishes her studies. Then reduce it incrementally with a view to be 0 a set date. I wouldn't leave her skint. Her and DH nred to work it out.

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 18:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Shinyandnew1 · 27/08/2023 18:53

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 18:05

Fund her lifestyle probably translates to paying the heating and buying food.

Show quote history

But if they have the child more than her, paying for the heating and food where the child spends most of their time is probably a more sensible use of their money,

Hankunamatata · 27/08/2023 18:53

How long has it been since dsd started staying more?

If its longer than 6 months then dh should have approached about starting to taper down the amount of maintenance over a period of time.

Is she doing a degree like nursing where her income has dropped drastically?

Oliotya · 27/08/2023 18:53

Thelnebriati · 27/08/2023 18:01

What a surprise. Mum has been the primary carer up till now, tries to improve things by retraining, and he decides now is the time to reduce maintenance? Be warned; if you ever split up this is how he will treat you.

I agree. Mum did the heavy lifting during the most intense years, saw dds increasing independence as an opportunity to better herself, and now it's possibly going to fall apart.

OP, how long has the current setup been in place? And how long is it expected to last?

Milkkbottles · 27/08/2023 18:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Ohhbaby · 27/08/2023 18:58

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 17:36

I remember a thread on here recently where a woman got drunk and yelled at her partner in front of their teenage kids, police were called, he took off with them to a different house.
Quite a few PPs were quick to suggest that it wasn't her fault, she was being gaslit, her partner was gradually withdrawing and this was his excuse to break it off and had somehow instigated this.

Nobody would even DARE suggest to a woman that she was the cause of any anger of a man towards her... that would be clear victim blaming... getting drunk and screaming until police called is domestic abuse. But because it was reverse sexes it was all ok. Couldn't believe my eyes!

Show quote history

Exactement!
I saw that thread too!
It's not the fact like@asterdaisy said that there is a backstory to it. There is obviously a backstory to it, but there is a back story to any abuse in any relationship.

I don't mind if you wanted to ask for the back story.
Do!
But why don't you ask for the back story when a women is being abused?
And that's the double standard.

Either ask for the back story on both sexes, or don't ask for a back story and just objectively judge the single behaviour/situation.
I'm fine with either, not with us picking and choosing when 'there is almost certainly more information that has been left out.' or 'leave the abusive bastard'

Ohhbaby · 27/08/2023 19:01

asterdaisy · 27/08/2023 17:41

@Milkkbottles so your partner yells at you and you call the police. Really!!
He took the children elsewhere anyway so why would you call the police and why would any police even turn up?

Uhmm why are you telling at @Milkkbottles ?
Its not her thread, it was another person's thread. Shes just relaying the info from the thread.
I mean you and I can think 'really!!! Who would do that?' but it still happened

Ohhbaby · 27/08/2023 19:08

Thelnebriati · 27/08/2023 18:01

What a surprise. Mum has been the primary carer up till now, tries to improve things by retraining, and he decides now is the time to reduce maintenance? Be warned; if you ever split up this is how he will treat you.

What?? Girl, just think before you blindly post
No, dad wants to reduce maintenance as he is now incurring more costs since he has his daughter for the whole week. He past for school lunches, before and after school club, food, going out. All of which the mom is now not paying for majority of the time. Maintenance is for maintaining the child, which the dad now does more of, it's not giving food to your ex to say thank you that she had the kid before??
She had the kid before hence why she got paid the maintenence as she had more expenses relating to their kid.
Why is the reverse a problem?
So confused

Ohhbaby · 27/08/2023 19:15

Pays not past

CrabbyMcPatty · 27/08/2023 19:31

I think suggesting anything other than stopping maintenance and suggesting she pay it to him is hypocritical considering I doubt VERY much a father would receive the same level of understanding if he only saw his children 2 nights a week and didn't want to pay anything to the RP (and even suggested said RP should pay HIM maintenance).

But of course, this is MN so your DH should have his daughter 7 days a week AND continue to support his ex because she's single and he's not.

By all means be supportive and continue to give some maintenance, but I do find all the posters tying themselves into pretzels to justify why a mother who is no longer the RP should still receive maintenance from the dad, now RP, very entertaining.

What's always said to dad's? If you can't afford the kids, don't have them. By all the laws in the land she should be paying maintenance to you not the other way around so anything else is more than generous on your part.

Original poster
Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 19:43

Thanks for everybody's input. There's been some really interesting points made and some posters have made me think about things I hadn't really considered.

Just to address some questions, this arrangement has been in place since January. There have been the odd weeks where DSD has been with Mum more but on average she is more with us.

As an update DH has popped round to see her and it turns out DSD has told her that she really hates an activity she has been doing for a couple of years. She had brought this up before but apparently now she really wants to stop doing it. This activity costs about £120 a month plus costumes and competition fees and DH and her mum split this. They have agreed DSD will stop this activity and DH will reduce maintenance by £60 a month for now. This means that her Mum won't be any worse off but we will save around £120 a month.

We are going to leave it at that for now. DH told me that once they sat down together his ex had calmed down and they were able to have a chat. Apparently her finances are bad so tbh we both would feel bad making them worse and we absolutely don't want her to quit her course as some previous posters have suggested.

I think some PP were right in that this should have been discussed earlier and maybe money reduced gradually but look none of us are perfect in these situations.

I'm happy with what they have come up with and I'm glad I posted as I did get some interesting perspectives.

OP posts:
Iwantcakeeveryday · 27/08/2023 19:46

I'm glad they came to an arrangement you're all happy with. You are both very generous.

Floweryx123 · 27/08/2023 19:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

MeridianB · 27/08/2023 19:55

Well done OP. You sound super nice.

MeAgainPeeps · 27/08/2023 19:56

Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 19:43

Thanks for everybody's input. There's been some really interesting points made and some posters have made me think about things I hadn't really considered.

Just to address some questions, this arrangement has been in place since January. There have been the odd weeks where DSD has been with Mum more but on average she is more with us.

As an update DH has popped round to see her and it turns out DSD has told her that she really hates an activity she has been doing for a couple of years. She had brought this up before but apparently now she really wants to stop doing it. This activity costs about £120 a month plus costumes and competition fees and DH and her mum split this. They have agreed DSD will stop this activity and DH will reduce maintenance by £60 a month for now. This means that her Mum won't be any worse off but we will save around £120 a month.

We are going to leave it at that for now. DH told me that once they sat down together his ex had calmed down and they were able to have a chat. Apparently her finances are bad so tbh we both would feel bad making them worse and we absolutely don't want her to quit her course as some previous posters have suggested.

I think some PP were right in that this should have been discussed earlier and maybe money reduced gradually but look none of us are perfect in these situations.

I'm happy with what they have come up with and I'm glad I posted as I did get some interesting perspectives.

That's a great solution. I think maybe revisit the topic once the course has finished and she's in employment.

Lennybenny · 27/08/2023 19:58

@Tiamaria86 why is dh paying her bills? Of course you should reduce it if dsd is with you more and you're paying all the extra stuff too. She's going to tell you things are tough financially because that's the easy way of getting you to keep paying.

She's using less electric, gas, food, water...She's working more so bringing in more money, she's also receiving cb and uc for a child she doesn't pay for anymore...

Go onto a cm calculator and put in the dsd is with you 5 nights a week. Bet you won't be paying.

Reduce it for a few months and then stop.