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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree that DH should reduce maintenance

434 replies

Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 13:16

I have a DSD. We previously had her 2-3 nights a week in general. Sometimes it was more and sometimes less.

Her Mum has decided to retrain in a different career and this has meant late nights and early starts so we now have DSD more like 4-5 nights a week.

DSD has her own room with us and has friends round and we take her to all her hobbies and clubs etc.

DH pays for half her uniform and we buy her clothes and trainers and electronics etc.

DH has approached DSD mum and suggested that maintenance shouldn't be paid anymore. He's happy to go half's on anything she needs as well as continue to buy her things but really monthly maintenance is no longer appropriate.

DSD mum doesn't agree and is really shocked he has suggested this as we are a 2 income household and she will really struggle without it.

DH has suggested paying a lesser amount for now as a transition period which I think is really reasonable. DSD mum is really unhappy about it and can't even believe its been suggested.

My PILs also think DH is unreasonable and should continue to pay.

Am I going mad? Maintenance isn't appropriate in these circumstances is it? Or are we wrong?

OP posts:
Thisistyresome · 29/08/2023 14:03

As you are average earners it is legally simple. If she is retraining then presumably she is going to be earning more. Also the idea that his ex has the right to be supported by him (at a cost to his DC with you) seem rather entitled.

Though for the sake of everyone it may make sense to have a transition to the new situation where he no longer pays. The maintenance has only 6 years to run so a year (or absolute max two) of reducing payments inline with the ex’s career ramping up would make the change easier.

If she is now working presumably she is in some kind of probationally year so salary should rise at the end. You are now picking up the bulk of the costs of the additional costs, you can’t fund his ex indefinitely.

Iwantcakeeveryday · 29/08/2023 14:39

Thelnebriati · 29/08/2023 00:20

The inequality between the mother who has to be the default parent and limit their earning potential and pension, and the non resident father who can outsource his parenting responsibilities is lost on so many posters. No wonder so many older women live in poverty.

why haven't you actually read the thread though? She was not the default parent, they co-parenting fairly and not parents worked full time, with Dad and StepMum collecting from school and activities often. The mother has had the same opportunity to work as the father has. Now she has more opportunity and free time, less expenses, she should receive less and eventually nothing.They were not together long after the child was born.

MalcolmsMiddle · 29/08/2023 17:29

Toomuchtrouble4me · 28/08/2023 23:56

Well you were having her 3/7 nights, now it’s 5/7 nights. That’s an increase of 28%, therefore reduce maintenance by 28%.
You can’t just stop it, her mother still has expenses for her, you have the agreed maintenance, just adjust it.

That's not how it works.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/08/2023 17:35

Thisistyresome · 29/08/2023 14:03

As you are average earners it is legally simple. If she is retraining then presumably she is going to be earning more. Also the idea that his ex has the right to be supported by him (at a cost to his DC with you) seem rather entitled.

Though for the sake of everyone it may make sense to have a transition to the new situation where he no longer pays. The maintenance has only 6 years to run so a year (or absolute max two) of reducing payments inline with the ex’s career ramping up would make the change easier.

If she is now working presumably she is in some kind of probationally year so salary should rise at the end. You are now picking up the bulk of the costs of the additional costs, you can’t fund his ex indefinitely.

She's had 10 years to transition.

Clearly she's been living well above her means and the time to cut her cloth is now. Why should her ex subsidize her lifestyle for additional years? It's absurd.

Thisistyresome · 29/08/2023 17:53

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/08/2023 17:35

She's had 10 years to transition.

Clearly she's been living well above her means and the time to cut her cloth is now. Why should her ex subsidize her lifestyle for additional years? It's absurd.

Show quote history

Legally I agree. I also agree she should have transitioned before not but she has not been made too. My only concern would be if she suddenly would there be an adverse impact on the DSD which then causes more issues than it is worth.

Sometimes doing the right thing gets you more pain than something else.

If there was no change that there would be an adverse impact on DSD or the couple currently paying her maintenance I would say cut if off now, but I can imagine circumstances when it gives them more pain than it is worth.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/08/2023 20:01

What would constitute an adverse effect on DD? OP & spouse are covering most of her needs.

If mum moves to a bedsit & DD has to sleep on an inflatable bed 2x a week, that's not an undue hardship.

Tandora · 29/08/2023 20:17

Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 19:43

Thanks for everybody's input. There's been some really interesting points made and some posters have made me think about things I hadn't really considered.

Just to address some questions, this arrangement has been in place since January. There have been the odd weeks where DSD has been with Mum more but on average she is more with us.

As an update DH has popped round to see her and it turns out DSD has told her that she really hates an activity she has been doing for a couple of years. She had brought this up before but apparently now she really wants to stop doing it. This activity costs about £120 a month plus costumes and competition fees and DH and her mum split this. They have agreed DSD will stop this activity and DH will reduce maintenance by £60 a month for now. This means that her Mum won't be any worse off but we will save around £120 a month.

We are going to leave it at that for now. DH told me that once they sat down together his ex had calmed down and they were able to have a chat. Apparently her finances are bad so tbh we both would feel bad making them worse and we absolutely don't want her to quit her course as some previous posters have suggested.

I think some PP were right in that this should have been discussed earlier and maybe money reduced gradually but look none of us are perfect in these situations.

I'm happy with what they have come up with and I'm glad I posted as I did get some interesting perspectives.

You all sound wonderful ❤️. What a civilised and decent way to behave from everyone.

HamBone · 30/08/2023 00:16

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/08/2023 20:01

What would constitute an adverse effect on DD? OP & spouse are covering most of her needs.

If mum moves to a bedsit & DD has to sleep on an inflatable bed 2x a week, that's not an undue hardship.

Technically you might be right, @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune but I know I’d be uncomfortable knowing that my child was in that situation.
The Dad has done what he feels is best for his child.

RememberTheWaybaloos · 30/08/2023 02:58

No, not at all unreasonable.

By rights, you should be receiving the child benefit, any additional financial support. I agree that would be harsh and think it shows massive love and respect that you're not going to disadvantage DSD in that way.

However... Its a disadvantage to DSD if you guys are scrimping and scraping and she's with you more often than not. So, Yes, a conversation is needed between them/you three that addresses how all these things will be paid for from now on. For me, I'd work out how much more this is costing you from when the agreement was first put in place and adjust accordingly.

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