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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree that DH should reduce maintenance

434 replies

Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 13:16

I have a DSD. We previously had her 2-3 nights a week in general. Sometimes it was more and sometimes less.

Her Mum has decided to retrain in a different career and this has meant late nights and early starts so we now have DSD more like 4-5 nights a week.

DSD has her own room with us and has friends round and we take her to all her hobbies and clubs etc.

DH pays for half her uniform and we buy her clothes and trainers and electronics etc.

DH has approached DSD mum and suggested that maintenance shouldn't be paid anymore. He's happy to go half's on anything she needs as well as continue to buy her things but really monthly maintenance is no longer appropriate.

DSD mum doesn't agree and is really shocked he has suggested this as we are a 2 income household and she will really struggle without it.

DH has suggested paying a lesser amount for now as a transition period which I think is really reasonable. DSD mum is really unhappy about it and can't even believe its been suggested.

My PILs also think DH is unreasonable and should continue to pay.

Am I going mad? Maintenance isn't appropriate in these circumstances is it? Or are we wrong?

OP posts:
Findyourneutralspace · 27/08/2023 13:18

If it’s 50/50 it’s usually no maintenance but I can understand the mum’s struggle. Life is hard for single income households at the moment, and the maintenance probably goes towards essential bills and keeping the home running.
The question is what he can afford really, as her mum can’t really downsize given SD still spends a lot of time there.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 27/08/2023 13:20

Yanbu.

You and dh have become the primary carers to dsd. If you were being churlish she could quite rightly be asked to pay you maintenance. However I think the 50/50 approach to dad’s needs and a small amount to facilitate the transition is very fair.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 27/08/2023 13:20

*to dsd’s needs!

StrawberryLemonade2 · 27/08/2023 13:20

If you're having her 4-5 nights a week then you've got her more often, so the maintenance should stop and in theory, you could claim it against the mum.

Fraaahnces · 27/08/2023 13:22

Run it by CMS. I imagine she didn’t get the new job just for the love of it. Her income will have risen at the same time that she has less custody of DSD. Who knows, maybe she might discover that she had to pay YOU, and then she will STFU.

tiredmama23 · 27/08/2023 13:23

StrawberryLemonade2 · 27/08/2023 13:20

If you're having her 4-5 nights a week then you've got her more often, so the maintenance should stop and in theory, you could claim it against the mum.

This. If you are doing more than 50% of overnights, maintenance is due to you from her mother who is now technically the non resident parent.

BoohooWoohoo · 27/08/2023 13:23

She owes your h maintenance as you are having her 4-5 nights a week. Very cheeky.

WaltzingWaters · 27/08/2023 13:24

no, he shouldn’t be needing to pay maintenance if she’s spending equal or more time at yours (the ex should probably be paying you maintenance if dsd spends more time with you! But probably best not to go there!)

I can understand it will be difficult for her as a single income household but ultimately, it doesn’t have to be his responsibility anymore as long as dsd spends equal/more time at yours.

BibbleandSqwauk · 27/08/2023 13:24

Are you actually saying that your DH would become the resident parent, in receiving child benefit etc? If it's going to be 4/5 out of every 7 nights then that would be technically the position. Does she regard your place as her home or somewhere she stays?
Thing is technically, you may be right. But if you are a dual income family and the mum is not, and retraining to provide a better quality of life for her and the DD, would the morally right thing not be to just keep the status quo to support this? If you can do it without significant hardship? How is the DD going to feel if suddenly mums house is much tighter for money and you've got extra? I know your income as a step parent is not relevant for CMS maintenance purposes but ultimately you have created a blended family that ought to be about mutual support and doing the best thing for all concerned..if that means your household can accommodate a couple of extra meals a week for the DD without a stretch, why not keep things as they are at least until the mum is qualified?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/08/2023 13:25

I think agreeing to weaning it down, going half on everything else and letting her claim CB and UC for her is more than fair, given she no longer has primary care for her DD. Shes at Mom's 2 or 3 nights a week. By rights DH could claim CM altho it would be a dick move in these circs

WorseDecision · 27/08/2023 13:26

If your having her 4-5 days a week, she'll owe you maintenance.

Skybluecoat · 27/08/2023 13:26

DSD mother should actually be paying DH child maintenance so she should probably stay very quiet about just facing a decrease…

Lachimolala · 27/08/2023 13:28

I think it would depend on whether it’s a permanent move of residence of just temporary as mum retrains.

How long is it likely to be?

I do feel for her a little as I rely on child maintenance to pay to bills too, to go without it would be really scary. But I don’t think he is unreasonable in wanting to reduce it.

dreamingbohemian · 27/08/2023 13:28

I can't believe people are making such firm judgments when you haven't divulged your salaries. If she's on 20K and your household is on 100K (for example) then yes he should keep paying some maintenance so that his DD can keep a roof over her head. Reducing, fine, ending completely is dickish.

Singleandproud · 27/08/2023 13:31

Did the mum put her career on hold to support your DH when they were together or to provide care for DDin the intervening years?

If so, as an act of good will (and if you can afford to) if they get on well it would be nice if he could support her whilst she completes her training. Once she starts her new career properly then reduce maintenance.

Or, go through CMS calculator and work out the minimum but it's likely to have a negative impact on their relationship.

BoohooWoohoo · 27/08/2023 13:33

dreamingbohemian · 27/08/2023 13:28

I can't believe people are making such firm judgments when you haven't divulged your salaries. If she's on 20K and your household is on 100K (for example) then yes he should keep paying some maintenance so that his DD can keep a roof over her head. Reducing, fine, ending completely is dickish.

CM calculations don't include new partner's income and are a flat percentage of income with a discount for overnights.

Backagain23 · 27/08/2023 13:33

Maintenance is owed by the NRP to the RP.
It's not "churlish" or "in theory" or "maybe".
A child deserves to be supported by both parents and this principle doesn't change just because in this case the NRP is the mother. It's also not a step mothers job to subsidise a child just so the mother is "more comfortable" 🙄

Original poster
Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 13:34

OK some maybe some further info needed.

We're in no way well off. Average income and also have DC. We're definitely not going to claim off her and she can continue to get child benefit.

Also this arrangement will continue once she has completed her training because it is the type of role that is shift work and long hours.

We're not just going to stop it as I understand she must rely on it. But we are taking on extra costs as we are now paying for after school clubs, packed lunches etc.

It does feel like DSD just lives with us now, she gets on really well with her siblings and our place does feel like her home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 13:35

Singleandproud · 27/08/2023 13:31

Did the mum put her career on hold to support your DH when they were together or to provide care for DDin the intervening years?

If so, as an act of good will (and if you can afford to) if they get on well it would be nice if he could support her whilst she completes her training. Once she starts her new career properly then reduce maintenance.

Or, go through CMS calculator and work out the minimum but it's likely to have a negative impact on their relationship.

In answer to this, no they broke up when DSD was really young and I've been in her life since she was 3. She is 12 now.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 27/08/2023 13:35

I don't think OP's income should be considered as it's not her DD. If the DSD is staying with her Dad 4-5 nights a week and he goes Half's on her clothes and uniform and stuff I don't see why the Mother is complaining. If her DD is only at her house 2-3 nights a week then surely she should provide for her on those nights. Personally I think your DH is being very generous paying her anything for a transition period. How long will this transition period last?

Shinyandnew1 · 27/08/2023 13:37

I would personally go through proper channels and do what they suggest.

If you are having the child over 50%, you arr the primary carers and should get maintenance from the mum. I’d be telling her this (even if you have no intention of doing so) as it might make her think a bit about what she’s saying to you! She sounds like she thinks she’s hard done by-it would be sensible for your DH to explain how it works.

feellikeanalien · 27/08/2023 13:38

What will the practical effects be on DSD? Mum is obviously retraining so that she can provide more for her daughter and you say that she would really struggle without it.

Legally, as other pps have said, your DH could actually claim maintenance from her. Morally that is quite another issue. Perhaps until she has actually increased her earnings it would be a kind thing for your DH to continue with maintenance if not doing so would have a detrimental effect on DD.

I can't imagine that she is happy about having to have DD stay more with you and is only doing this so that she can provide better for her in the future. Is the intention that once she is qualified it will go back to the old arrangement?

cannaecookrisotto · 27/08/2023 13:39

It really all depends on the financial situations of both households.

The rule is he shouldn't pay anymore if you're having her 50/50 or more and she could even be required to give him maintenance, however, if her salary isn't that high then this isn't really practical and could put her into financial difficulty.

Likewise, she could rely on the maintenance to pay bills and put food on the table and by stopping maintenance you could put her financial security into jeopardy- aka your DSDs way of life.

In reality, I (as in your DH) would want to understand the consequences of removing the maintenance before I did it and if I was in a financial position where I could comfortably carry on paying (and stopping would cause detriment to her finances) then I would continue.

If it's a middle ground kind of situation where you really need the money to support the extra time DSD is staying with you then I would taper the maintenance off rather than just stopping completely.

It's hard to say who is BU without the financial status of both households.

feellikeanalien · 27/08/2023 13:40

Sorry OP. Just seen that you've answered some of my questions.

Floweryx123 · 27/08/2023 13:40

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