Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree that DH should reduce maintenance

434 replies

Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 13:16

I have a DSD. We previously had her 2-3 nights a week in general. Sometimes it was more and sometimes less.

Her Mum has decided to retrain in a different career and this has meant late nights and early starts so we now have DSD more like 4-5 nights a week.

DSD has her own room with us and has friends round and we take her to all her hobbies and clubs etc.

DH pays for half her uniform and we buy her clothes and trainers and electronics etc.

DH has approached DSD mum and suggested that maintenance shouldn't be paid anymore. He's happy to go half's on anything she needs as well as continue to buy her things but really monthly maintenance is no longer appropriate.

DSD mum doesn't agree and is really shocked he has suggested this as we are a 2 income household and she will really struggle without it.

DH has suggested paying a lesser amount for now as a transition period which I think is really reasonable. DSD mum is really unhappy about it and can't even believe its been suggested.

My PILs also think DH is unreasonable and should continue to pay.

Am I going mad? Maintenance isn't appropriate in these circumstances is it? Or are we wrong?

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 13:55

Doyoumind · 27/08/2023 13:53

But the reality is that the difference in outgoings between her DD being with her say 2 days a week and 4 days a week is minimal. She still needs to put a roof over her head, pay for clothes etc. The amount she will save on bills is negligible, and likely not huge on food.

Show quote history

None of that is her ex’s responsibility.

I’d understand if she had been a SAHM when they were together, but that’s not the case, they split when dd was a toddler.

Shinyandnew1 · 27/08/2023 13:55

It’s nothing to do with empathy or morals. Just see what the CMS say and do that.

ElEmEnOhPee · 27/08/2023 13:56

If the DD is now 12 and he has been doing far less than he is doing now for the past 12 years then I think he should continue to pay until her training is over because her having her DD more often will have meant he has been able to further his career whilst she was raising their child. In the interests of the child it will be beneficial in the long run if her mum can continue this training and go on to have a career herself. Obviously if you can't afford this then stop paying but if you can afford it then I think until the training period is over it would be a nice gesture.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 13:56

Shinyandnew1 · 27/08/2023 13:55

It’s nothing to do with empathy or morals. Just see what the CMS say and do that.

The CMS would require DSD’s mum to pay her ex maintenance, which the ex doesn’t want.

Original poster
Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 13:56

MarshyMcMarshFace · 27/08/2023 13:48

Was her Mum putting this training and eventual new career on hold until her Dd is at secondary and able to see to herself after school etc?

Until now has her Mum been maintaining a lower paid job to enable school runs / holidays etc? Disadvantaged herself in any way career wise and pension wise due to motherhood?

If so I think that morally your DH should continue maintenance until her training is completed.

Your DH has enough income to have started a new family, pay half the upkeep of new Dc, has his Ex been able to afford the same while being a resident parent?

This is a good point and I hadn't considered it. However she has always worked full-time and since we have flexible jobs and can wfh we have always facilitated school pick ups and holidays etc and then DSD has gone to mums for her tea.

I do understand though that it generally is the woman who makes the sacrifices and that is something to think about.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 27/08/2023 13:57

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 27/08/2023 13:53

Of course legally he doesn't need to pay but it is hard for single income families at the moment, and if she hasn't factored it into her finances it could have an impact.

Well, maybe she should have considered that before she decided to retrain and gave up being her child's main carer?

Are you kidding?

She's more than likely retrained to increase her earning capability. You would rather she was reliant on her ex forever? She's probably thinking ahead to when she won't get any maintenance when her DD is an adult. As PP said, she probably also waited to retrain until the DD was older and made sacrifices for her until this point.

Odellio · 27/08/2023 13:57

Stop paying her maintenance for her child she has only 2-3 nights a week. Your DH stops paying and what happens? Nothing. Because if she goes to CMS they’ll tell her to pay your DH.

Child Benefit should go to your DH as well as CM, if he doesn’t want to claim them, that’s his choice. But noway should he being paying her maintenance when he has the kid more than 50% of the time.

Cherrycola29k · 27/08/2023 13:58

Findyourneutralspace · 27/08/2023 13:18

If it’s 50/50 it’s usually no maintenance but I can understand the mum’s struggle. Life is hard for single income households at the moment, and the maintenance probably goes towards essential bills and keeping the home running.
The question is what he can afford really, as her mum can’t really downsize given SD still spends a lot of time there.

This isn’t true actually. Maintenance is calculated by income, not access.
I worked with a man who had 50/50 and still had to pay maintenance because he earned more than mum.

Although I do agree with you OP, since you’re having DSD the majority of the time your DH shouldn’t have to pay.

Floweryx123 · 27/08/2023 13:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 13:59

Doyoumind · 27/08/2023 13:57

Are you kidding?

She's more than likely retrained to increase her earning capability. You would rather she was reliant on her ex forever? She's probably thinking ahead to when she won't get any maintenance when her DD is an adult. As PP said, she probably also waited to retrain until the DD was older and made sacrifices for her until this point.

Show quote history

Good for her but why is that OP or her DH problem. It’s not. If she only wanted to keep her money then she shouldn’t of reduced her time with her child to 2-3 days a week. She should be paying them.

Insommmmnia · 27/08/2023 14:01

Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 13:56

This is a good point and I hadn't considered it. However she has always worked full-time and since we have flexible jobs and can wfh we have always facilitated school pick ups and holidays etc and then DSD has gone to mums for her tea.

I do understand though that it generally is the woman who makes the sacrifices and that is something to think about.

Show quote history

Yes but in this case do remember you are the woman being asked to make the sacrifice

If I read your OP correctly she referenced maintenence being paid to support her lifestyle because you are a two income household

So you are being expected to sacrifice your money to support her life

It's not like step dad's are asked to support the ex husband on a regular basis so I would actually say this request is an extension of the idea that women should be the ones to sacrifice themselves for others

Original poster
Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 14:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

No it is not just an extra night. I maybe wasn't clear enough in my original post but most weeks it is around 5 nights and also taking over the majority of parenting and life administration, appts, taking to hobbies. It doesn't feel any less than what I do for my own DC.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 14:03

Insommmmnia · 27/08/2023 14:01

Yes but in this case do remember you are the woman being asked to make the sacrifice

If I read your OP correctly she referenced maintenence being paid to support her lifestyle because you are a two income household

So you are being expected to sacrifice your money to support her life

It's not like step dad's are asked to support the ex husband on a regular basis so I would actually say this request is an extension of the idea that women should be the ones to sacrifice themselves for others

Show quote history

Well said.

You shouldn’t have to spend less on your dc so ex has more money.

Absolutely stop paying the maintenance, any of it.

Floweryx123 · 27/08/2023 14:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 14:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

What mistake has OP made? Confused

Spacecowboys · 27/08/2023 14:05

I agree that ‘technically’ maintenance should stop and a reduced amount for the interim period is more than fair. Dh is the rp now. Morally speaking, I wouldn’t like to see any parent struggle to put food on the table and pay their bills, particularly when they are training to enable a better lifestyle in the long run. That is irrespective of parent gender. So as long as the ex wasn’t a complete a*hole making my life a misery (and I could comfortably afford it) I’d continue half the maintenance until training is complete and the ex has a better paid job.

Floweryx123 · 27/08/2023 14:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2023 14:05

Your DP owes it to all of the children in your household to maximise the resources available to them. That means maintenance that’s due and child benefit.

Any money he gives his ex, who actually owes her own now non resident child maintenance, is money he’s willingly taking from the children he’s housing, feeding and clothing. She’s an adult, he’s not responsible for her in any way.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 27/08/2023 14:05

Doyoumind · 27/08/2023 13:57

Are you kidding?

She's more than likely retrained to increase her earning capability. You would rather she was reliant on her ex forever? She's probably thinking ahead to when she won't get any maintenance when her DD is an adult. As PP said, she probably also waited to retrain until the DD was older and made sacrifices for her until this point.

Show quote history

Why would I be kidding?

It's not her ex's job to support her financially forevermore. If she wants to retrain and stop being her child's primary carer, then it's on her to make sure she can afford to do that Confused

She clearly didn't think it through and is now panicking. Technically she now also owes her ex maintenance as well as losing out on the maintenance he currently pays.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/08/2023 14:06

I agree; your DH doesn’t owe her legally at all. He is now the PC. CMS would say that’s she should pay him. I would do a sliding scale over the next few months to nothing.

Crossinsomekindaline · 27/08/2023 14:06

Cherrycola29k · 27/08/2023 13:58

This isn’t true actually. Maintenance is calculated by income, not access.
I worked with a man who had 50/50 and still had to pay maintenance because he earned more than mum.

Although I do agree with you OP, since you’re having DSD the majority of the time your DH shouldn’t have to pay.

Show quote history

Not true. Cm is calculated on who has the kids for overnights. If your friend is having the kids 182.5 nights a year (on average), it wouldn't matter if he's earning 500,000 and she's earning 10,000 there will be no maintenance due from either party.

Please check your facts before posting as if you're speaking gospel truth. It's misleading.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 27/08/2023 14:07

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2023 14:05

Your DP owes it to all of the children in your household to maximise the resources available to them. That means maintenance that’s due and child benefit.

Any money he gives his ex, who actually owes her own now non resident child maintenance, is money he’s willingly taking from the children he’s housing, feeding and clothing. She’s an adult, he’s not responsible for her in any way.

Yes, exactly.

If it was the other way around, and the mum was now becoming the primary carer, everyone would be saying that she needs to get the man to pay as much as possible.

Viviennemary · 27/08/2023 14:07

I think it would be mean to reduce maintenance unless your are short of money. But on the other hand the mother should have discussed with you the impact of her studies and her reduced income.

Icycloud · 27/08/2023 14:07

well the daughter still costs money and should pay if the mother will struggle without it

blisstwins · 27/08/2023 14:08

BibbleandSqwauk · 27/08/2023 13:24

Are you actually saying that your DH would become the resident parent, in receiving child benefit etc? If it's going to be 4/5 out of every 7 nights then that would be technically the position. Does she regard your place as her home or somewhere she stays?
Thing is technically, you may be right. But if you are a dual income family and the mum is not, and retraining to provide a better quality of life for her and the DD, would the morally right thing not be to just keep the status quo to support this? If you can do it without significant hardship? How is the DD going to feel if suddenly mums house is much tighter for money and you've got extra? I know your income as a step parent is not relevant for CMS maintenance purposes but ultimately you have created a blended family that ought to be about mutual support and doing the best thing for all concerned..if that means your household can accommodate a couple of extra meals a week for the DD without a stretch, why not keep things as they are at least until the mum is qualified?

This, exactly. Hopefully retraining is temporary and mom will step up again soon. Being a single parent is. Wet hard. It’s quite mean of you to add to the stress of the household so much if this is temporary.