Page 4 | To agree that DH should reduce maintenance

Tiamaria86 · 2023-08-27T12:16:19+00:00

I have a DSD. We previously had her 2-3 nights a week in general. Sometimes it was more and sometimes less. Her Mum has decided to retrain in a different career and this has meant late nights and early starts so we now have DSD more like 4-5 nights a week. DSD has her own room with us and has friends round and we take her to all her hobbies and clubs etc. DH pays for half her uniform and we buy her clothes and trainers and electronics etc. DH has approached DSD mum and suggested that maintenance shouldn't be paid anymore. He's happy to go half's on anything she needs as well as continue to buy her things but really monthly maintenance is no longer appropriate. DSD mum doesn't agree and is really shocked he has suggested this as we are a 2 income household and she will really struggle without it. DH has suggested paying a lesser amount for now as a transition period which I think is really reasonable. DSD mum is really unhappy about it and can't even believe its been suggested. My PILs also think DH is unreasonable and should continue to pay. Am I going mad? Maintenance isn't appropriate in these circumstances is it? Or are we wrong?

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 14:08

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2023 14:05

Your DP owes it to all of the children in your household to maximise the resources available to them. That means maintenance that’s due and child benefit.

Any money he gives his ex, who actually owes her own now non resident child maintenance, is money he’s willingly taking from the children he’s housing, feeding and clothing. She’s an adult, he’s not responsible for her in any way.

💯 agree

Shinyandnew1 · 27/08/2023 14:09

I worked with a man who had 50/50 and still had to pay maintenance because he earned more than mum

I don’t think this is true. Whilst possibly in the past it might have been the case, due to spousal maintenance, this is rarely awarded now.

Floweryx123 · 27/08/2023 14:10

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CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 14:10

Shinyandnew1 · 27/08/2023 14:09

I worked with a man who had 50/50 and still had to pay maintenance because he earned more than mum

I don’t think this is true. Whilst possibly in the past it might have been the case, due to spousal maintenance, this is rarely awarded now.

It’s probably true when there is a material difference in lifestyles.

If the dad is a multimillionaire the court will want the child to have a similar lifestyle at mum’s home to some extent.

Floweryx123 · 27/08/2023 14:12

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Trinity65 · 27/08/2023 14:13

YANBU

Insommmmnia · 27/08/2023 14:14

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You are trying incredibly hard to make this the OPs fault

Can you imagine if the step mum refused to have their stepnchild for extra nights to allow the mum to retrain based on money?

This is not the OPs fault. If nothing else there is a clear legal system in place which dictates what happened now. Clearly the OPs DH has been happy to pay maintenence well and fairly over the years as the ex hasn't had to resort to the CMS. The fact that the ex isn't now willing to do the same is in no way the OPs fault

Tessabelle74 · 27/08/2023 14:14

Doyoumind · 27/08/2023 13:53

But the reality is that the difference in outgoings between her DD being with her say 2 days a week and 4 days a week is minimal. She still needs to put a roof over her head, pay for clothes etc. The amount she will save on bills is negligible, and likely not huge on food.

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But her outgoings are not what maintenance is for! If she can't afford to retrain unless she's subbed by her child then she shouldn't be doing it!

Cherrycola29k · 27/08/2023 14:15

Crossinsomekindaline · 27/08/2023 14:06

Not true. Cm is calculated on who has the kids for overnights. If your friend is having the kids 182.5 nights a year (on average), it wouldn't matter if he's earning 500,000 and she's earning 10,000 there will be no maintenance due from either party.

Please check your facts before posting as if you're speaking gospel truth. It's misleading.

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I suggest you check your facts. The person earning 500k would absolutely be liable for maintenance. Courts don’t want children to have vastly different lifestyles in each home.

SpilltheTea · 27/08/2023 14:17

It's child maintenance, not ex maintenance. It's not his responsibility to fund her. She's no longer the primary carer, so she shouldn't be expecting him to give her anything.

SunRainStorm · 27/08/2023 14:18

Singleandproud · 27/08/2023 13:31

Did the mum put her career on hold to support your DH when they were together or to provide care for DDin the intervening years?

If so, as an act of good will (and if you can afford to) if they get on well it would be nice if he could support her whilst she completes her training. Once she starts her new career properly then reduce maintenance.

Or, go through CMS calculator and work out the minimum but it's likely to have a negative impact on their relationship.

I agree with this.

Also how long is the retraining period? Presumably not longer than a few months. I don't think it's worth resetting everything for a temporary set up.

DSD should come first. It would be a very positive and healthy thing if her father decided to keep paying maintenance to provide for her in both her homes, not cut back just because he technically can.

Like most women his Ex probably took a career hit to have DSD, while DH was able to keep climbing the ladder with her support.

Cherrycola29k · 27/08/2023 14:18

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 14:10

It’s probably true when there is a material difference in lifestyles.

If the dad is a multimillionaire the court will want the child to have a similar lifestyle at mum’s home to some extent.

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Yes, exactly this!

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 14:19

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No way, in OP’s situation, where they are not well off, no court in the country is going to require him to give ex maintenance when he has dc 5 nights a week.

Spirallingdownwards · 27/08/2023 14:20

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This smacks of what I want and not what the law is!

OP just ognore this for the nonsense it is.

Use the CMS calculator and show Mum he owes nothing so if he is prepared to pay something then she should be happy he isn't claiming off her.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/08/2023 14:20

MarshyMcMarshFace · 27/08/2023 13:48

Was her Mum putting this training and eventual new career on hold until her Dd is at secondary and able to see to herself after school etc?

Until now has her Mum been maintaining a lower paid job to enable school runs / holidays etc? Disadvantaged herself in any way career wise and pension wise due to motherhood?

If so I think that morally your DH should continue maintenance until her training is completed.

Your DH has enough income to have started a new family, pay half the upkeep of new Dc, has his Ex been able to afford the same while being a resident parent?

This.

She's been doing the donkey work and took the hit career wise. Now she's trying to better herself whilst being a lone parent meanwhile you've clearly been comfortable enough to go on and have more children but want to pull the rug from under her.

You also seem to not be considering the impact on the child and how she may end up going without whilst at her mums.

I'd keep paying whilst she's training and maybe set a date for withdrawal of maintenance for sometime in the future (if DD is still with you).

JudgeRudy · 27/08/2023 14:21

If you're wealthy I think it would be mean but essentially daughter lives 50/50 with each parent. I'll assume mum has the benefit of the CB and any tax credits/UC that might attract. I don't think you owe anything. In fact you could say why doesn't SD live with you full time and visit her mum when her shifts permit. That way mum only has to support herself.
I think the interim reduced payments is a great idea and a generous one at that. Mum should also be made aware that a portion of the 'childcare' is being done and paid for by you, something you have not responsibility for.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 14:22

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/08/2023 14:20

This.

She's been doing the donkey work and took the hit career wise. Now she's trying to better herself whilst being a lone parent meanwhile you've clearly been comfortable enough to go on and have more children but want to pull the rug from under her.

You also seem to not be considering the impact on the child and how she may end up going without whilst at her mums.

I'd keep paying whilst she's training and maybe set a date for withdrawal of maintenance for sometime in the future (if DD is still with you).

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She has worked full time throughout.

She also could have asked ex to have dc more YEARS ago.

Floweryx123 · 27/08/2023 14:22

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Shinyandnew1 · 27/08/2023 14:22

Citizens advice says this

To agree that DH should reduce maintenance

Ilovegoldies · 27/08/2023 14:23

Morally speaking? Utter tosh. My brother never missed a month's CMS despite being a single income and ex wife remarried to a high earner. No one gave two fucks that the children were living in a two person household then. The double standards on here. Morally his ex wife should have said we don't need your money. It doesn't work like that.

Original poster

Tiamaria86 · 27/08/2023 14:25

For clarity we are very far from wealthy!

We are not trying to be mean as somebody has suggested. That is why I have posted to ask what people think is reasonable. As it is we are already financially stretched.

Somebody has said I haven't considered DSD being away from her mum. Of course I have! However that wasn't the point of the thread and as it is her mum's choice there isn't much I can do about that other than be as supportive as possible to DSD.

OP posts:

JudgeRudy · 27/08/2023 14:25

Fraaahnces · 27/08/2023 13:22

Run it by CMS. I imagine she didn’t get the new job just for the love of it. Her income will have risen at the same time that she has less custody of DSD. Who knows, maybe she might discover that she had to pay YOU, and then she will STFU.

I doubt her income has risen, I'd imagine she's re training and attending uni/placements. Unfortunately she probably made decisions assuming due had the CS.
You're right though, OPsOH likely owes nothing snd she might need to pay herself.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 14:27

JudgeRudy · 27/08/2023 14:21

If you're wealthy I think it would be mean but essentially daughter lives 50/50 with each parent. I'll assume mum has the benefit of the CB and any tax credits/UC that might attract. I don't think you owe anything. In fact you could say why doesn't SD live with you full time and visit her mum when her shifts permit. That way mum only has to support herself.
I think the interim reduced payments is a great idea and a generous one at that. Mum should also be made aware that a portion of the 'childcare' is being done and paid for by you, something you have not responsibility for.

the tax credits/UC is a great point. It’s possible this puts her in same financial position as ex, given she receives the CB as well and also doesn’t pay maintenance to ex.

She’s a right CF. Shocked my arse.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 14:29

SunRainStorm · 27/08/2023 14:18

I agree with this.

Also how long is the retraining period? Presumably not longer than a few months. I don't think it's worth resetting everything for a temporary set up.

DSD should come first. It would be a very positive and healthy thing if her father decided to keep paying maintenance to provide for her in both her homes, not cut back just because he technically can.

Like most women his Ex probably took a career hit to have DSD, while DH was able to keep climbing the ladder with her support.

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The ex worked FT, there's no evidence of that.
YANBU OP.
Ex is really out of order for bringing your income into it, but also what happens when the retraining finishes? Is she going to continue to want maintenance on the higher salary?

I wouldn't go so far as to look at the 'legal' CMS position as you have a good relationship maybe come to an agreement. What happens when she's done with this training - will things be re-configured with her new income? Etc.

Your DH doesn't seem, like a disney Dad who has dumped all duties to the NRP so I think she hasn't gotten the short end of the straw here. It's very hard to 'side' with anybody

2weekstowait · 27/08/2023 14:29

It isn't unreasonable. But if it had happened to me it would have tipped me over the edge financially so I can completely understand her shock and worry.