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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be depressed that he preferred life without me

114 replies

CustomMade · 27/08/2023 11:20

I would like to know if I'm being stupid, or if other people would feel the same as me.

My OH isnt from the UK and he emigrated here to live with me a year ago.

He hates it.

Before he emigrated he had been here many times to stay with me, often for extended periods and we had a fantastic time. However since he moved he's been a nightmare.

I get that England isn't paradise especially lately, but here are my problems with it.

He keeps suggesting we move together to another country

This is upsetting because logistically due to family reasons, I can't do this.

He's not given things a reasonable chance. He complains but makes no effort of any kind to improve things

For example:

He complains all the time that he hates working free overtime, but he keeps doing it. For example he did 12 hours yesterday when it's meant to be a break.

He complains he has no friends, but he doesn't ever want to do anything with anyone but me. When he first got here we had invitations and he always made excuses.

He complains he wants hobbies he enjoys but then says he's too knackered from working the free overtime to do anything.

The worst one is, he keeps harking back to how amazing and wonderful life was with his ex!!!

He hates his job. He hates the weather. He hates the noise and crowds. He hates that he makes much less money. He complains he has no friends. He complains he has no hobbies anymore. He complains he keeps getting colds. He complains everything is so expensive.

He had a life before me, which he loved. He loved his mates, he loved his well paid job with private office. He loved the weather and spending weekends at the beach. He had a much nicer house. He had a lot less stress.

Now, I understand all this. I've emigrated myself several times and I appreciate living in the UK right now is no picnic and I'm happy to encourage him and help him to feel more settled.

However, I find it extremely upsetting that the "old life" he keeps saying he misses, was a life with his ex. The house he shared with her. The friends. The hobbies. It was all with her. Which I find massively upsetting and I'm sick and tired of him acting like life with me is a chappy consolidation prize.

Before responding:

No, I am not the "other woman". He was done with her before we met.

No, I do not think he wants to be with her, as it was him who broke it off as he said he didn't love her and she tried for a very long time to beg him back.

Yes, I have told him if he hates it so much to leave (he says it would be impossible to be happy without me)

I know if he wants to stay here and create a valued life with me that he has to help create this and stop being so negative.

But what I want to know is: AIBU to be deeply hurt that he's spent the first year of our life "together" telling me that his life with his ex was better - massively- by almost every measurable metric???

He honestly says the ONLY good thing about his life now is me.

OP posts:
whatkatydid2013 · 27/08/2023 11:27

Objectively if he had a better job with less hours/better pay relative to cost of living, a larger/nicer home, a close network of friends (& possibly family?) in a country with nicer climate where he had easy access to the beach then it’s understandable he misses all that. Does he accept you can’t move or does he think you can & just don’t want to? If the latter I can kind of understand the moaning as if I wanted to relocate and felt like my partner just wasn’t willing to consider it even though I was unhappy it would likely make me moan a bit too. In the end though agree he needs to make a choice and if it’s to stay in the U.K. with you then he needs to take steps to make life here better for him. I don’t think you are unreasonable but I can also sympathise that he’s probably feeling pretty down about his current prospects outside your relationship

Garihairy · 27/08/2023 11:31

What good things does he bring to your life @CustomMade ?

Lucyboat · 27/08/2023 11:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

fins2 · 27/08/2023 11:41

Reading that back OP it does sound like he had a lovely life, I'd really struggle to leave that! It's completely normal he is grieving his old life. He's made huge sacrifices to be with you, not that you owe him anything for that, but maybe if he can't be happy here, and you can't leave, the relationship isn't sustainable?

ItsNotRocketSalad · 27/08/2023 12:00

YABU. What do you want him to do, lie? His life was measurably better (to him) by any metric - more money, better weather, more friends, etc. He still won't go back to it because he loves you too much, and here you are wanting him to put up and shut up because you're jealous of his ex.

Original poster
CustomMade · 27/08/2023 12:23

No, I dont want him to lie.

I want him to make an effort to build a life he does like - or leave if that's not possible.

I want him to do NEW hobbies that he CAN do here - for example he was a keen hiker with his ex and you can do that here.

I want him to make NEW friends rather than pretending the only nice friends he could possibly have are his old friends he had as a couple with his ex.

I want him to act like a nice mini break with me isn't a shit sandwich consolidation prize.

I've lived in hot sunny places with lots of money before. In fact I myself wasn't born here and don't really like it here. But that doesn't mean EVERYTHING is awful.

He hasn't even tried.

OP posts:
Creepyrosemary · 27/08/2023 12:23

He's not given things a reasonable chance.

He's giving it more of a chance than you are to live in another country though.

Original poster
CustomMade · 27/08/2023 12:28

Jealous of his ex?

would you like to listen to someone mope for 14 months about missing their old life they shared with another woman?

Typical conversation

We've been invited to a BBQ
Oh. I don't really feel like it. I dont know them.
But this is how you get to know them
Yeah. I just don't feel like it.

a week later

I hate it here. We don't have any couples friends. I don't miss HER, I just miss MY OLD LIFE

I DGAF about his ex. What I care about is that he keeps on telling me his life with me is much worse, nothing will change that and its making me feel depressed.

OP posts:
Desecratedcoconut · 27/08/2023 12:28

He sounds homesick but doesn't want to admit it. I'mm not sure what you can do about it really. I think you might be on a hiding to nothing here.

pinkyredrose · 27/08/2023 12:32

Why can't you move abroad with him?

Original poster
CustomMade · 27/08/2023 12:32

@Creepyrosemary

I have kids at university here.

So does HE actually at he's half British.
Our family is here.
One of my kids has had horrible depression with self harm etc.

I need to be here.

NO I am not effing off to the beach to suit him, but I've told him the door is open for him to go.

HE asked me to give this relationship a go.
HE asked to move here.
HE knew I wasn't emigrating any time soon.

OP posts:
GolgafrinchamB · 27/08/2023 12:35

He hates it here. (I can't really blame him)

He had a much better life before and he left it to be with you. Now he's realising that it isn't working out for him.
My SIL is the same. They've been together 22 years and she still hates most of her life. It's heartbreaking.

If you can't stand his complaining, break up with him. You're both unhappy, which benefits no one.

Alwaysdecorating · 27/08/2023 12:38

I think he loves you. But hate living here.

he wants his life there but with you. That’s not happening. I had a friend in this position.

He eventually moved back home. It just took a while for both of them to get to the point where they realised that they loved eachother but circumstances meant it wouldn’t work.

Sounds like it won’t work long term, but he isn’t ready to accept that circumstance mean you can’t be together in the same country.

But if he is making you unhappy, you can end the relationship yourself.

Titicacacandle · 27/08/2023 12:42

Would you ever move abroad. I wonder if you said you'll nove when youngest has finished uni and working you'll be happy to move and he will feel less trapped.

I don't think you're BU to be annoyed by it at all. I'd have lost my patience and told him to bugger off back, but I can see he feels a bit stuck and lonely.

Original poster
CustomMade · 27/08/2023 12:45

I'd love to move abroad. But I can't until kids are settled. I'd also need a home base here permanently first so they have that security. Kids come first. I'm a Mum.

I hate it here too - don't we all, but you can certainly make friends here and have an active social life and hobbies if you want to!

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 27/08/2023 12:47

Oh god, I couldn't be doing with this. Why are you putting up with this whining man? Just say, "OK, we're better off living apart" and then act on it.

Original poster
CustomMade · 27/08/2023 12:48

I think if he'd started off with a positive attitude, tried to create a life and still been unhappy I definitely wouldn't be angry. But honestly, he's been here 14 months and he's just been completely miserable and refuses to try anything.

OP posts:
Cinai · 27/08/2023 12:50

He must love you very much if he has given up a wonderful life to be with you.
Maybe there is a compromise? If you can’t move to his country, can you move somewhere else in the UK? I moved from city centre to the outskirts and it worked wonders for my happiness and quality of life because of more community, cheaper housing market..maybe that could help him?

Duvetdayforme · 27/08/2023 12:55

This would drive me batty and bring my mood right down.

Tell him his constant negativity is ruining the relationship and either he packs it in or you’re done.

Titicacacandle · 27/08/2023 12:59

I don't agree with needing a permanent base here because adult dc come first sorry OP. If you don't want to move abroad and he came here on the basis that you wouldn't move abroad then fair enough but I don't see why you couldn't make a 5 year plan to move if you wanted to move just because of adult dc needing to come first.

Anyway you're not happy. Talk to him and tell him you won't ever move back abroad because of your dc and if he doesn't like it and it's making him so miserable he needs to do something about it.

TheWhalrus · 27/08/2023 13:07

Sounds like classic expat grumpiness to me. In fairness the UK isn't exactly a wonderful place to live just now.

StopStartStop · 27/08/2023 13:11

Oh, for goodness sake, send him home!
He doesn't like it here. He won't 'take part'. He liked his ex better than you.
What the heck are you waiting for. See the door? Send him through it. And kick his arse on the way out.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 27/08/2023 13:13

Some people are never happy, he wasn't happy with her, he's not happy with you. If it wasn't the place, it would be something else. It also becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, hence the ridiculous amounts of unpaid overtime, a perfect way to make yourself unhappy. And there is nothing another person can do about it, any change in attitude has to come from him. But hes too busy blaming external factors.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2023 13:18

I would just tell him to leave, I wouldn't be with someone that is willing to stew in misery and have to listen about his great old life.
He hasn't actively tried to improve anything so he can go imo.

LogicVoid · 27/08/2023 13:25

He's a miserable git. Have you considered that he'd be the same wherever you go..?

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