To be depressed that he preferred life without me

[CustomMade]

I would like to know if I'm being stupid, or if other people would feel the same as me.

My OH isnt from the UK and he emigrated here to live with me a year ago.

He hates it.

Before he emigrated he had been here many times to stay with me, often for extended periods and we had a fantastic time. However since he moved he's been a nightmare.

I get that England isn't paradise especially lately, but here are my problems with it.

He keeps suggesting we move together to another country

This is upsetting because logistically due to family reasons, I can't do this.

He's not given things a reasonable chance. He complains but makes no effort of any kind to improve things

For example:

He complains all the time that he hates working free overtime, but he keeps doing it. For example he did 12 hours yesterday when it's meant to be a break.

He complains he has no friends, but he doesn't ever want to do anything with anyone but me. When he first got here we had invitations and he always made excuses.

He complains he wants hobbies he enjoys but then says he's too knackered from working the free overtime to do anything.

The worst one is, he keeps harking back to how amazing and wonderful life was with his ex!!!

He hates his job. He hates the weather. He hates the noise and crowds. He hates that he makes much less money. He complains he has no friends. He complains he has no hobbies anymore. He complains he keeps getting colds. He complains everything is so expensive.

He had a life before me, which he loved. He loved his mates, he loved his well paid job with private office. He loved the weather and spending weekends at the beach. He had a much nicer house. He had a lot less stress.

Now, I understand all this. I've emigrated myself several times and I appreciate living in the UK right now is no picnic and I'm happy to encourage him and help him to feel more settled.

However, I find it extremely upsetting that the "old life" he keeps saying he misses, was a life with his ex. The house he shared with her. The friends. The hobbies. It was all with her. Which I find massively upsetting and I'm sick and tired of him acting like life with me is a chappy consolidation prize.

Before responding:

No, I am not the "other woman". He was done with her before we met.

No, I do not think he wants to be with her, as it was him who broke it off as he said he didn't love her and she tried for a very long time to beg him back.

Yes, I have told him if he hates it so much to leave (he says it would be impossible to be happy without me)

I know if he wants to stay here and create a valued life with me that he has to help create this and stop being so negative.

But what I want to know is: AIBU to be deeply hurt that he's spent the first year of our life "together" telling me that his life with his ex was better - massively- by almost every measurable metric???

He honestly says the ONLY good thing about his life now is me.

I'd tell him to bugger off back home then.

Firstly, I think he's being v insensitive.

Secondly, he made a choice and unless he is going to move back, he needs to own that choice. This involves trying to improve things for himself where he can. He has to try... And stop moaning.

Don't understand the comment upthread about hiking not being as good here as abroad - there is some beautiful countryside in Britain, but he has to make the effort to go and see it!

Freedom to roam makes it completely different game to england. I think scotland has it too. Prices of getting to that places are ridiculous. Most of my friends on mainland take cheaply train to next door country or other aide of country making nature and travel accessible to quite a lots of people.
Example Vienna to Bratislava just under 13eur, similar distance manchester to york 34eur. But the freedom to roam is just major thing. I spent youth roaming countryside. Hours and hours in forest criss cross picking mushrooms, no stick to foothpaths, wild camping wherever suitable, swimming in rivers and lakes. Very few fences.

Also, when you're in a less than ideal situation it is easy to look back and romanticise how things were before.... I doubt his life was that bloody perfect.

You're not being unreasonable to be hurt. He's not being unreasonable to think his former life was better. Yes, he could take action to improve his lot but will it really make it better. You're asking him to give up so much to be with you yet you aren't even prepared to try giving up stuff for him and moving. I can't think of any reason why you couldn't go. Let's say eg you care for your mum, she could have carers or go into a care home. If you are diabetic with high BP and COPD you might feel healthcare was too expensive but could he pay. I think you could move if you really wanted but you don't.
He gave it a go, it didn't work. If you want to give it a go then follow him home. If not the relationship is over.

He sounds like hard bloody work.

He's looking back with rose tinted glasses on
Fair enough he needs time to adjust, but it's not fair he's making no effort to make a happy life with you
In my head, I'd set a time limit and if if no change I'd tell him to leave
Simply if he loved you, he'd want you to be happy

It doesn't sound like he preferred life without you, OP. It sounds like he wants both you and to be living in his home country.

I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to slip into life easily here. 14 months isn't actually a long time to get used to the massive culture shock of moving to the UK. And the alternatives you are suggesting to his issues, aren't comparable at all - surely if you've lived elsewhere, you must see that?

Perhaps you both imagined it would be easier than it is and he's disappointed and angry about the situation here and all he's given up and you're disappointed and angry about his attitude. To me, his suggestion that you both move to another country shows how desperately unhappy he is and one day he will leave. If you've had enough, by all means, accept that the move hasn't worked and ask him to leave. You don't have to wait for him to make a decision. Could he move back home and you both continue to have a long distance relationship?

In the iterim, rather than trying to argue him out of his points of view, just accept they are valid and ask, other than moving countries, what he suggests would make things a little better.

To those telling me to tell him to go back: I have. Several times. He says no way can he live without me. He says on balance an awful life with me there is better.

Where he was living was not really his home. He was an expat there. The group of friends he had, he'd known only a couple of years from work, hobbies and "down the pub" - he could easily have made a new life if he'd tried.

His kids are at university here. We see them every few weeks. Yes, you'd think he'd love that - which he does on the day - but he doesn't seem to factor it in to his overall trip advisor rating.

I'm not upset because he's not settled quick enough. I'm upset because he's wasted the whole honeymoon period by walking around with a face like thunder saying everything is "rubbish" and harking back to years with his ex as his happiest.

Which I think is quite fucked up to be honest. I have thought so many times that if he liked it so much, and was so happy, then he should have just stayed.

He says he can't imagine any life that isn't the both of us together, but I see no point in that at all.

The main thing being - he built a life of value with his ex. He got a nice house, job he liked, hobbies, a friend group and so on; but he is not even trying to build a life of value with me.

That makes me very sad and depressed because I'd actually quite like to have a life my OH enjoyed. We make £109k between us and there's no reason we can't have a nice life and enjoy lots of things.

We have four days off right now, in a beautiful air B&B with two of our kids here with us. He's spent most of it alone in the bedroom working. Which he'll do for the remaining days.

I suggested we go and get pissed. He doesn't want to (the old version of him would have loved that) and it's raining so I suggested we all watch a movie or play a game. He's too busy working.

I am trying here.

I genuinely feel like he'd be fucking happier if he left us and I'm really tired of feeling like this. Yes, I know it's not working, but he doesn't want to accept that.

I do think he really loves me, but he's just spoiling our life.

@C152 it wasn't his home country. He was an expat. He is half British and doesn't want to live in either of his home countries. I understand that, don't we all prefer living like we're on holiday, but as someone said he's not made the slightest effort to grow a happy life.

I'm not being in a long distance relationship again. I hated it. But made the best if it for him.

He didn't try and find out it wasn't working. He started off from day one with a really big-time negative attitude and completely spoiled things.

Not a week has gone by that I felt he wasn't pining to leave. Its crap.

You need to atop concentrating on the ex. It's not about the ex

@Lucyboat about two years. We have one of his kids and one of mine with us. The three of us are currently watching a movie with popcorn while he's off sulking! We went on a long country walk this morning and he sat there looking depressed and barely spoke.

We had a long talk about it this week where I told him to just leave and go and be happy elsewhere. He insists that's impossible without me. Which makes no sense as he was without me before and is clearly miserable.

He's fairly senior, yes. Not terribly well paid but fairly well.

I honestly don't think I'm obsessed with the ex. I'd never given her two minutes thought until he started acting like he has.

He has fixated on the time with her as the only happy and satisfying period of his life. Which he says is circumstances and nothing to do with her.

So if he has a friend he actually wants to go for a drink with - they're HER friend too. They're couple friends. Everyone else on planet earth is sub par.

Literally nothing he likes or enjoys isn't something he did or shared with her, so if I sound paranoid it's because he's acting like a child.

I used to have a really fun life Lucy. On his regular visits he and I went to amazing places and did wonderful things.

Since he actually moved here, everything is crap or rubbish or too much hassle.