To be depressed that he preferred life without me

[CustomMade]

I would like to know if I'm being stupid, or if other people would feel the same as me.

My OH isnt from the UK and he emigrated here to live with me a year ago.

He hates it.

Before he emigrated he had been here many times to stay with me, often for extended periods and we had a fantastic time. However since he moved he's been a nightmare.

I get that England isn't paradise especially lately, but here are my problems with it.

He keeps suggesting we move together to another country

This is upsetting because logistically due to family reasons, I can't do this.

He's not given things a reasonable chance. He complains but makes no effort of any kind to improve things

For example:

He complains all the time that he hates working free overtime, but he keeps doing it. For example he did 12 hours yesterday when it's meant to be a break.

He complains he has no friends, but he doesn't ever want to do anything with anyone but me. When he first got here we had invitations and he always made excuses.

He complains he wants hobbies he enjoys but then says he's too knackered from working the free overtime to do anything.

The worst one is, he keeps harking back to how amazing and wonderful life was with his ex!!!

He hates his job. He hates the weather. He hates the noise and crowds. He hates that he makes much less money. He complains he has no friends. He complains he has no hobbies anymore. He complains he keeps getting colds. He complains everything is so expensive.

He had a life before me, which he loved. He loved his mates, he loved his well paid job with private office. He loved the weather and spending weekends at the beach. He had a much nicer house. He had a lot less stress.

Now, I understand all this. I've emigrated myself several times and I appreciate living in the UK right now is no picnic and I'm happy to encourage him and help him to feel more settled.

However, I find it extremely upsetting that the "old life" he keeps saying he misses, was a life with his ex. The house he shared with her. The friends. The hobbies. It was all with her. Which I find massively upsetting and I'm sick and tired of him acting like life with me is a chappy consolidation prize.

Before responding:

No, I am not the "other woman". He was done with her before we met.

No, I do not think he wants to be with her, as it was him who broke it off as he said he didn't love her and she tried for a very long time to beg him back.

Yes, I have told him if he hates it so much to leave (he says it would be impossible to be happy without me)

I know if he wants to stay here and create a valued life with me that he has to help create this and stop being so negative.

But what I want to know is: AIBU to be deeply hurt that he's spent the first year of our life "together" telling me that his life with his ex was better - massively- by almost every measurable metric???

He honestly says the ONLY good thing about his life now is me.

@Lucyboat He and I have known each other for twenty five years. He always had feelings for me. Lifelong soul mates he says. Moving here and having a life together was very much his dream and his idea.

No, honestly, I really don't think it's normal that 18 months in he can't let go of another life he shared with someone else. Like I said, I can't imagine ever saying him to make him feel like life with my ex husband was better.

It's monumentally insensitive to say it once nevermind a thousand times.

If he wants that old life he should go and live it. If he wants this one, he should live it.

My father went to my mother's home country, Australia, after they met and married in the UK...he hated it. Refused citizenship when it was offered after 10 years. He did however make a bit more of an effort to make friends etc but not much more.

My older brother turned 10, my father decided he'd had enough and threatened to leave my mother, myself and my two brothers (myself and younger brother were born in Australia) if she didn't agree to leave and become a 'trailing spouse' while he worked in various third world (term used at the time) shitholes. She didn't want to give up being a stay at home mother, so she did...6 years of hell for me and my brother ensued. We were dragged back and forth across the planet for 6 years...

An already long story short, he left my mother for another woman when I'd just turned 21 (he'd always been unfaithful the whole time they were married). My mother ended up back in Australia (so did my younger brother) and has been back there over 20 years now.

I married a British man and live in the UK (mainly to avoid my mother). I don't like the UK, never really have, but I make do. From what I hear Australia isn't that much better nowadays anyway.

You are doing the right thing, however I'd TELL him to go, don't make it an option. Whether it is back to his country or not, that's up to him. He doesn't get to make your life a misery, life is too short for this shit.

I was in his shoes once. I moved to where my ex loved, really didn’t like it, got more and more fed up. So I can empathise with him. And you sound fed up with him. It’s probably best all round to give up. Your lives have to fit. Sometimes they just don’t, even if otherwise you’re ok.

Ex lived, not loved! Dunno why autocorrect thought it should change a perfectly acceptable word!!

It really wasn't very fast. We'd known each other for decades Lucy. We were very close. Us being together was a topic of conversation long before he even met the ex.

I was clear all along my kids came first. He was flying high with his career.

His relationship with his ex wasn't serious by whatever my standards are. More like just being part of the same group and ending up together. And it was mostly a lot of arguing because she wanted a long term future together and he didn't.

It was more like a very slow thing, and finally him reaching a point of realising he didn't want to grow old with anyone who wasn't me.

So it's frustrating that it feels like he's wasting that.

@Lucyboat No. His kids Mum lives in the UK. I don't think his kids even know this ex exists. The relationship wasn't that serious. She never met family or had "official" status.

His entire life, the life he had built up and valued, disappeared overnight when he moved. It’s an enormous colossal loss. He has clearly found this traumatic.

Do you show understanding of this? Allow him time to grieve and feel that loss and pain?

Or do you tell him how to get on with things and get jealous about his Ex?

It will be a lot easier for him to move on if he feels heard and understood first. He may have got stuck in depressive repeat as he never feels heard. So has kept trying to be heard.

Having said that, at some point he does need to get on with building a new life. That’s hard if he is genuinely depressed. Socializing at s as ok, let alone trying to meet new people, is tough when you are filled with depression and misery and grief.

I couldn’t live with someone who didn’t make my life better. I can’t see why you would.

It doesn’t matter whether he is right or wrong - it’s making you unhappy so what’s the point?

I’ve lived in different countries and some people carry their discontent with them. I’ve been sitting in 30 degrees in January having a beach BBQ and some Brits have been moaning about missing Sunday roast in a pub in winter.

Set him free. He’s not getting over it.

And FWIW, I absolutely think you need a home for your kids. Imagine if you choose him and move abroad - in 10 years time they’ll all be posting on Mumsnet and everyone will be slating you.

@Lucyboat

No. They had their own houses. She just stayed in his. No, they never had "official" status. Never spent holidays together. Never said "I love you". Never told his kids about her.

They were just in the same group of friends, started doing everything together and started having sex. I don’t think there was any romance to it at all.

I know of his previous exes from younger days that were close, committed, loving relationships and they were very dissimilar.

the ONLY good thing about his life now is me.

He must love you very much if he has given up a wonderful life to be with you.

It's not love if the impact on you is so very horrible. He is taking out his frustration on OP instead of doing anything to make life better.

That wouldn't work for me. I'd give him the heave ho.

If the kids are at Uni it's really no reason not to move to his if you want to salvage this.

Time to cut the cord, they are adults

@Devonshirelass

"His entire life that he had build up and valued" was 25 months long.

He's now been here 14 months and not made the slightest effort to enjoy or take part in anything.

How much grieving is normal?

Why can't he make the same effort emigrating here as he did there?

When he moved there he joined clubs and went out for drinks and participated.

He's not participating now, and is just moaning it hasn't magically appeared.

Of course I was sympathetic at first and did everything I could to help him settle. I spent £20k on holidays and minibreaks and regret wasting the money now.

I've put up with it for ages. I'm sick of it now, and I'm angry that he expects so much from me.

Incidentally I did similar 15 years ago when I met my husband and emigrated from a lovely expat life on the Costa Blanca to a very rainy wales.

Of course I missed my friends, my job, my villa with a pool and the fantastic lifestyle; but I loved my ex husband and never once dwelled on that.

I made friends and built a life.

That's what you do!

@FinallyHere

It's not love if the impact on you is so very horrible. He is taking out his frustration on OP instead of doing anything to make life better

I agree with this. If he loves me so much then he should stop making our shared life a misery fest and try and have a positive attitude.

It sounds like the relationship isn’t working out for either of you. Maybe time to call I quits

@CustomMade Sorry, I misunderstood and thought he'd moved to the UK from his home country.

But my other points still stand. You say you've told him to go if he's not happy. I think you actually need to be much blunter. Say you don't think things are working, you can see that life here isn't making him happy and this is causing you deep unhappiness. You therefore need him to move out within x date. (May sound harsh, but you sound at the end of your tether.)

There are also so many threads to this story. Moving to the UK alone is enough to end any relationship. But on top of that you've got this 25 year history? I've been in one of those relationships too...if it was meant to be, it would have happened already. There's a reason it's always wrong time, wrong place or whatever.

You won't move to accommodate him. He tried moving here to fit in with you, but it clearly doesn't suit him. Maybe it's time to call it quits?

It’s all so needy and creepy. All the stuff he’s saying, He couldn’t live without you, better an awful life with you than without, doesn’t wish to grow old with anyone but you, life long soul mates, so much mills and boobs shit, it would give me the utter ick.

And then all the she begged me to come back. Aye she did. She’s had a lucky escape. No woman in her right mind Wants a long term future with soneone so needy,

and then the whinging, not making an effort, I’d be so utterly suffocated with this sort of limpet.

I’m honestly not sure how you stomach it.

He sounds like a complete joy sponge - like a whiny teen who won't come out of their room and all suggestions you make are shot down. Does he make you happy? Start thinking about what YOU want, not what he does.

Is he actually depressed?

He should at least consider this and if so, seek help. Moving country is very stressful even under the best conditions.

If he’s not depressed or willing to explore that then you do have the agency to tell him this isn’t working and he needs to leave.