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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be depressed that he preferred life without me

114 replies

CustomMade · 27/08/2023 11:20

I would like to know if I'm being stupid, or if other people would feel the same as me.

My OH isnt from the UK and he emigrated here to live with me a year ago.

He hates it.

Before he emigrated he had been here many times to stay with me, often for extended periods and we had a fantastic time. However since he moved he's been a nightmare.

I get that England isn't paradise especially lately, but here are my problems with it.

He keeps suggesting we move together to another country

This is upsetting because logistically due to family reasons, I can't do this.

He's not given things a reasonable chance. He complains but makes no effort of any kind to improve things

For example:

He complains all the time that he hates working free overtime, but he keeps doing it. For example he did 12 hours yesterday when it's meant to be a break.

He complains he has no friends, but he doesn't ever want to do anything with anyone but me. When he first got here we had invitations and he always made excuses.

He complains he wants hobbies he enjoys but then says he's too knackered from working the free overtime to do anything.

The worst one is, he keeps harking back to how amazing and wonderful life was with his ex!!!

He hates his job. He hates the weather. He hates the noise and crowds. He hates that he makes much less money. He complains he has no friends. He complains he has no hobbies anymore. He complains he keeps getting colds. He complains everything is so expensive.

He had a life before me, which he loved. He loved his mates, he loved his well paid job with private office. He loved the weather and spending weekends at the beach. He had a much nicer house. He had a lot less stress.

Now, I understand all this. I've emigrated myself several times and I appreciate living in the UK right now is no picnic and I'm happy to encourage him and help him to feel more settled.

However, I find it extremely upsetting that the "old life" he keeps saying he misses, was a life with his ex. The house he shared with her. The friends. The hobbies. It was all with her. Which I find massively upsetting and I'm sick and tired of him acting like life with me is a chappy consolidation prize.

Before responding:

No, I am not the "other woman". He was done with her before we met.

No, I do not think he wants to be with her, as it was him who broke it off as he said he didn't love her and she tried for a very long time to beg him back.

Yes, I have told him if he hates it so much to leave (he says it would be impossible to be happy without me)

I know if he wants to stay here and create a valued life with me that he has to help create this and stop being so negative.

But what I want to know is: AIBU to be deeply hurt that he's spent the first year of our life "together" telling me that his life with his ex was better - massively- by almost every measurable metric???

He honestly says the ONLY good thing about his life now is me.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 27/08/2023 13:32

I'd be interested to hear what his ex says about their wonderful life together.

Ultimately one person can't be the basis for an entire life.

Why not go back to the long distance thing you were doing before? Do you think you might want to move in a few years?

TheAOEAztec · 27/08/2023 13:34

It's not going to work. I am on my 3rd country now, so is DH. You yourself said you moved. We all know how it is.

Quite frankly, he moved to UK during massive decline. If I were to move there now, I wouldn't. 🤷 I still feel I was massively missold UK 15 years ago anyway.

Neither of you are wrong. It's not easy situation. He is home sick basically, trust me and as you may know "hiking" in at least England is incomparable to many other places even within Europe. Finding new friends or making new ones when they are your OH's friends is not quite as easy too. As pp said. He took a risk, which just didn't work out.

Looking at my family's life on mainland europe vs what I have in UK, the quality is completely off the scale different.
Someone on MN once said something what sooooo resonated. UK makes you lethargic. It does

RadishAndTwiglet · 27/08/2023 13:36

I'm fascinated to know where he's come from now, where everything is so much better. I was going to guess Australia, but if he finds things expensive in the UK then it can't be there.

In my experience of living in three other countries, nowhere is ever better in every aspect, there are always some things that are worse. There is no utopia. But on balance, it sounds like he had a great life and he's given up a lot to be in England with you.

But he's not putting himself out to make the best of it. It sounds like he always came over hoping to persuade you to move back with him, but you've been clear about why you can't do that, and nothing there has changed.

It's time to make him choose. He either puts up and shuts up (and makes more effort to through himself into the positives of living here) or you go your separate ways, no hard feelings.

RadishAndTwiglet · 27/08/2023 13:41

AIBU to be deeply hurt that he's spent the first year of our life "together" telling me that his life with his ex was better - massively- by almost every measurable metric???

Well of course you would be be being U in the slightest, but is that what he is really saying, or just how you are choosing to interpret it? If he happened to have an ex in his old life in his home country, it doesn't mean it's life with her that he misses, just that he misses that life and she happened to be in it.

Two different things. The devil is in the detail.

Oblomov23 · 27/08/2023 13:43

What did he expect? What did you expect? You could have and should have foreseen this because it's quite common when someone moves over here.

Original poster
CustomMade · 27/08/2023 13:44

@Cinai I'm happy to move anywhere in the country. He can't because of his job so it's up to him to find a new one if he'd prefer life in a smaller community.

@Titicacacandle It's up to you if having a home base for your adult children is important. For me it's essential. I'm a single Mum there's no Dad, and half the year they're on university holiday and I'm not just fucking off into the sunshine without them having a family home in the UK to come to. I told my OH this from day one.

@StopStartStop of course your reaction here is "he liked his ex better than you" which actually is it starts to feel. Of course if that were true he'd have stayed with her.

@LightlySearedontheRealityGrill never thought of it like that but it might be true.

@LogicVoid YES!!! I've considered that a lot!

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 27/08/2023 13:52

It may be that you have irreconcilable differences and can't make it work. It happens.

felisha54 · 27/08/2023 13:53

I think he needs to go home. He gave up what sounded like a lovely and the pay off isn't worth it.

Original poster
CustomMade · 27/08/2023 13:54

@RadishAndTwiglet

Is that what he is really saying, or just how you are choosing to interpret it?

He literally says his life is better by every metric constantly. He says his house was better, job, friends, social life, hobbies: literally ALL those things he did with his ex.

I can picture being homesick, but I can't picture making my NEW partner think my shared home, friends and life with my ex was much better. That actually seems bizarre to me.

Pub quiz here? Shit. Crap people. Overpriced drinks. But he used to go to pub quiz every week with her and their joint mates and loved it.

If he happened to have an ex in his old life in his home country, it doesn't mean it's life withher that he misses, just that he misses that life and she happened to be in it

This is exactly what he says!

I have an ex I used to live with in Cayman, Dubai, Sydney.... our life on paper was much better in all. More money. Expat fun. Better houses. I had a pool in all of them.

It doesn't mean I spent years saying that to my next partner. It doesn't mean I couldn't find any fun when I moved to the UK.

I think he's being a dick really.

OP posts:
honeylulu · 27/08/2023 13:56

Send him back.

Can't stand whingers.

Riapia · 27/08/2023 13:57

So, he had a wonderful life, with lots of friends, in an idyllic country with a better climate.
Time he removed the rose tinted glasses or better still fucked off back there.
The joyless fucker will only drag you down the longer he’s with you.

EmmaEmerald · 27/08/2023 14:03

OP "He literally says his life is better by every metric constantly. He says his house was better, job, friends, social life, hobbies: literally ALL those things he did with his ex."

no disrespect to you, but I don't know if loving someone can make up for all that. Plus he's making you unhappy so I think you should tell him to go.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 27/08/2023 14:04

He can't improve his life & be happy without effort.

However you can be happy without him dragging you down with his misery.

Cowlover89 · 27/08/2023 14:09

Tell him to go!

GentlemanJay · 27/08/2023 14:10

It's not going to work in England. I think you need to accept that.

Viviennemary · 27/08/2023 14:12

It's clear from your post he is unhappy and doesn't like life in this country. I don't agree he is just a natural miserable grump wherever he lives. A lot of people find it hard to adjust to a new country or even a new area and some folk never settle.

dottiedodah · 27/08/2023 14:16

I think he seems unhappy wherever TBH. If life was so great with his ex, why did he leave her?Quite honestly I would think about ending things ,he is making you unhappy as well! Sometimes it doesnt work out due to circumstances and this is one of those times .

Gerrataere · 27/08/2023 14:20

I’m guessing he’s from Australia (no need to say op I’m just venturing from what you’ve said). I’m not sure what he was expecting, Britain is not for those who’ve lived the sunshine, laid back life, it can affect you in every which way. I can imagine it’s quite a culture shock being suddenly submerged in Britishness wherever you’re from.

Personally I’m not sure how it’s go to work longterm. I know one couple where one moved from similar circumstances and they’re miserable. They thought they could move after a few years but their spouse became very ill. They keep saying ‘once they’ve passed I’m on the first plane home’, just seems a very depressing situation to get to.

TheAOEAztec · 27/08/2023 14:20

It's not about the ex tho.

topnoddy · 27/08/2023 14:25

Sounds to me like he needs to return to where he used to live and his old life

RadishAndTwiglet · 27/08/2023 14:28

Is that what he is really saying, or just how you are choosing to interpret it?

'He literally says his life is better by every metric constantly. He says his house was better, job, friends, social life, hobbies: literally ALL those things he did with his ex.'

Yes but it's not about his ex is it? That was my point. She was there in the background, yes, but it's the other things in his old life that he misses. I think you are choosing to focus on his ex being in the equation, but that's not what be means. Not that that helps, necessarily, if he's still dissastified with absolutely everything about his life except you.

LadyBird1973 · 27/08/2023 14:39

This would piss me off - life in Britain is not terrible for a lot of people. I know plenty who are going out for nice meals, on holidays and mini breaks, perusing hobbies. It's not all skint and depressed! The truth is that very often life is what you make it - if he hates his job, there's nothing stopping him from finding another one. It's possible to move house etc.
You said he's half British and has a child here - is there no part of him that's happy to be in the same country as his child?

Don't understand the comment upthread about hiking not being as good here as abroad - there is some beautiful countryside in Britain, but he has to make the effort to go and see it!

He's never going to be happy if he constantly complains yet does nothing to improve things.

LadyBird1973 · 27/08/2023 14:41

Oh and you are totally right to maintain a family home for your children. Uni aged kids are not really adult and especially if you have one who has struggled mentally

piercedears · 27/08/2023 14:43

I understand him. He has to try and work out if it's the specific place you live in now, or if he feels it's the UK, culturally as a whole.
If he feels more comfortable and at ease in a different culture, and can't recreate that somewhat by moving nearer to this expat community in the uk, then he should seriously consider moving back to where he was before.

aloris · 27/08/2023 14:47

I think you are being really hard on him. I've moved several times, work related. To different areas in the same country. The quality of individual aspects was the same (i.e we weren't moving up or down an income bracket), it was just that the things themselves (and I) were in a different place than before. The first year, I was on the verge of tears all the time. The reality is that moving just really sucks. The weather is different, the geography is different, the culture is different, you don't know who you can trust, people don't know you so they don't necessarily trust you, etc.

Yes, you can make new friends, but, come on, these are superficial friends, for at least a few years, if not longer. They are people you might be able to have a barbeque with, but they aren't going to go out of their way to help you the way your childhood friends would. In all the places I've moved, I've made what seemed to be really good friends, very close. The day I told them I was moving to a new place for work, they all stopped calling me or inviting me to meetups. (this has happened enough times that I've learned not to tell people I'm moving until the house is on the market). My "best friend" from my last place before this, we were friends for 7 years. I haven't talked to her in 5 years now.

I've been in my "new" place almost a decade now. I have new friends. I've visited lots of the attractions in the area. I've been very intentional about integrating myself into the local community and finding the best ways to make new friends. But it still doesn't feel like home. Again, that's staying in the same country. Now imagine doing that in a whole a$$ different country.

This man gave up his whole lifestyle to be with you and you're annoyed he's not instantly happy.