There is something hugely wrong with me and I have no options left

[whatiswrongwithme128]

My anxiety and current mental state is through the roof right now. It’s crippling me and my relationship. I’m a 26 year old female.

I have had countless therapy and counselling which has had little effect. I am on Sertraline with again little effect. I’ve had anxiety diagnosed - I’ve also had ADHD, OCD and PTSD mentioned as possible reasons. I’m on the waiting list for an ADHD assessment.

It’s completely blown up over the last few weeks. I don’t feel present at all, I can’t relax and I’m going to sleep/waking up crying most of the time. I then feel guilty because my boyfriend has to put up with it all, because it’s happening most days, and I get even more upset and beat myself up that I’m not being myself. This is a HUGE cycle I’m in right now.

I can’t relax, my self esteem is through the floor, I don’t feel present, I’m on hyper alert all the time and I have constant brain fog.
I’m on hyper alert around my boyfriend - if he’s not directly touching me or talking to me I get worried. If he laughs a lot with his friends I worry I’m not doing that.

I have even suggested we split up for his own good, but he says that’s not my decision to makes and he wants to be with me. I’m really really lucky because he has said things like “there’s two of us in this, you’re not alone”, “we’ll figure it out together” etc.
I said I felt I had a black cloud over me and he said “good thing the weather changes each day” 🥺

So I am really lucky. But this is honestly crippling me. I currently can’t afford therapy and I’ve almost given up with meds, I’ve tried a few now. I really don’t know how to change going forward.
My brain knows all the rational things, but my horrible overthinking brain takes over every time.

(Sorry I haven’t been diagnosed with all 3!! They’ve just all been mentioned as possibilities. God knows which one it is, if any)

Could it be a hormonal issue? Low iron level? Thyroid out of whack?

I know you're only 26, but how are your periods?

I have had them all checked. My b12 is on the low side and I also have PCOS, but everything else came back ok I think! My periods are heavy but regular

Go to your GP. Show them this post. You sound like you need signed off work to start with.

Once you are signed off, have 3 priorities:

do something you love every day
get outside once a day (sit in your garden)
be active (a walk with your bf, maybe)

Difficult childhood?

Go to the GP and ask for MH referral / assessment. In the meantime have you had any skills taught to you in therapy- CBT or DBT? Such as grounding skills, TIPPS, breathing exercises, mindfulness ( not meditation more grounding) , emotional regulation skills, crisis skills etc? If so use these. If not I think there is an online scheme while waiting that you can do alone. Have you used any websites such as NoPanic?

For adhd lots of exercise and high protein diet helps.

Your boyfriend sounds amazing. Sorry you're going through this. I dont have any advice, is there anything at all that you recognise that helps you in any way even baby steps? Are there any support groups in person or online?

Google NoPanic- there is both a helpline and site with resources to assist with anxiety and panic feelings x

Anxiety UK offer low cost or free counselling

if you have just started sertraline, it takes 6 weeks to have full effect. so I hope you will feel better soon.

And Samaritans are there for a chat even about a particular problem, how you are feeling overwhelmed about something or not sleeping etc - they listen and talk you down a little

I read when soldiers came back from the war suffering mental health issues they kept them really busy working on farms. Ruminating is the worst thing you can do.
You need to find something like running, gardening, painting, dancing, home improvements, anything that you really enjoy and can't do enough off.
I lose myself and all my worries in my garden and at the same time I'm creating a beautiful environment for myself, when I'm not gardening l am either reading up on it, or watching YouTube videos, l go to plant nurseries and visit open gardens. I' m planning in advance my new borders.
If you keep your hands busy, such as drawing, sewing, knitting etc, it helps enormously with your way of thinking. Your brain has got into a habit that needs breaking such as recycling negative thoughts, once you break that cycle things will improve no end.

I really feel for you and I think I know exactly what you're feeling - it's like wanting to crawl out of your own skin. You can't settle, your mind races, you can't focus or concentrate on anything. And, usually, there's an overwhelming feeling of dread attached to it as well. I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression in my early 20s and then bipolar II in my early 40s. I felt pretty much exactly how you're feeling when I was starting to get bipolar symptoms. When I did get diagnosed (after being locked up in a psychiatric unit for a couple of nights!), the best thing that happened to me was being prescribed an antipsychotic. It let me sleep, it stopped my mind from racing and had a calming effect overall. Took a bit of getting used to (bombed me out at first), but now I just take it at night and I'm usually pretty normal by morning (i.e. not a bombed out zombie). If I were you, I would speak with a doctor about some kind of sedative or calmative for short term use. It will allow you to get your body and mind back to a state where you're not like a cat on a hot tin roof and you can get some proper sleep. You need to banish that doomed, oppressive feeling so that you and your doctor can work on getting you on a medication regime that stabilises you as much as possible. Please don't give up on meds - they allow you to live a normal life. I've been taking antidepressants and antipsychotics for around 30 years and I can categorically say I wouldn't be here without them. I have a pretty good life too! Blessings to you, I hope you're able to see a light at the end of the tunnel soon.

Are you using any hormonal contraception? It can cause anxiety.
https://www.theguardian.com/society/commentisfree/2023/jun/11/the-pills-effects-on-women-can-be-devastating-we-need-better-information-now

@TheBrightestStarInTheSky excellent advice. Being signed off work is often the worst thing to happen unless work directly is the cause of a person's issues

Goodness you poor thing

try this for now?

Deep, slow, and long breaths are your first priority for achieving a calm state before proceeding to the following steps:

1. SEE: Acknowledge five things that you can see around you. Options can range from a pen or stapler at your office to a bird or tree while you’re out at the local park. If you’re at home, you can look at a family photo on the wall or a glass of water on the kitchen counter. You can pick between big and small items to keep your options open.

1. TOUCH: Acknowledge four things that you can touch around you. You can start with your hair, hands, elbows, and other parts of your body if you’re short on time. The ground beneath your feet, whether it’s the floor of your bedroom or the office at work, also helps. Pillows, desks, phones, and keyboards can fit this step.

1. HEAR: Acknowledge three things you can hear around you. Instead of listening to your own thoughts or sounds from your body like your stomach growling, focus on external noises. Examples include someone driving a car nearby, a clock ticking, or a dog barking. If you’re at work, you can listen to typing and the steps of people walking by your desk.

1. SMELL: Acknowledge two things around you that you can smell. This step may be a challenge compared to the others, so it’s best to go to a place with more sources of scent if you don’t smell anything wherever you are at the moment. The outdoors has plenty of options for smells, and the soap in bathrooms also helps. Your furniture can provide pleasant smells for this step when you’re home.

1. TASTE: Acknowledge one thing around you that you can taste. It doesn’t necessarily have to be food, as toothpaste and minty floss you use in the morning or at night are easy sources. You can also go with the cinnamon-raisin oatmeal you have for breakfast, the sandwich and chips you have for lunch, or the pasta primavera you have for dinner. Coffee, tea, and other drinks you have to get through the day also work.

End this exercise with a long, deep breath.

If it could be ADHD, I would try and have that assessed first as otherwise you're trying to treat depression which may not actually be depression but a byproduct of ADHD which if not treated will continue to have that effect. And in my experience even a diagnosis of ADHD without medication can be helpful as you're less hard on yourself and can understand how to adapt for your condition.

It is a long waiting list but look at psychiatry UK and the right to choose as you may be able to get referred that way and diagnosed quicker if you have it. If it isn't that, then you can explore other things. In the meantime waiting diagnosis, read up on ADHD and treat yourself as if you have it to see if how you change your approach to yourself helps.

Speaking as someone diagnosed with ADHD as an adult who struggled with what looked like depression and was offered talking sessions via GP as well as paying privately for counselling which helped some things but obviously did nothing for the ADHD which became much more manageable once I recognised and made adaptations for it while awaiting medication.

Or EMDR ?
[When you are stressed by the thought,] keep your head still and rapidly move your eyes back and forth between two predetermined points. [Repeat] twenty to twenty-five times. You can rapidly move your eyes between two corners of a room or window, between one hand resting on each of your knees, or between two sides of a table. As soon as you start moving your eyes, stop concentrating on the stressful event, and let your mind go.This bizarre technique actually works. I use it when I am obsessing about “things to do tomorrow” when I should be unwinding for the night or enjoying a swim.
Why does it work? Well, here’s what I observe, introspectively. I simply can’t do both things at once. I can’t both move my eyes rapidly and think about everything I have to do. When I take a few seconds to make the rapid eye movements, it feels like I have “flushed my buffers.” I break the vicious cycle of the thought feeding on itself. Once I break the cycle, the thought that was obsessing me is gone.
It turns out that there is whole school of therapy that uses this technique (in conjunction with specially targeted questioning processes) to help people process emotional trauma. Exactly how and why it helps is yet to be explained. There is some speculation that eye movement is connected to how we store memories or how we do high-level processing.

Sorry you're feeling so shit.

As a pp said, antipsychotics can help massively with anxiety in the short term.
If I were you I would badger the gp for an emergency appt with a psychiatrist as soon as can be managed.

This will pass, I promise.

I have ASD ADHD OCD and anxiety. Have you tried metrazipine? Sertraline always made me feel 10x worse, I became actively suicidal on it. The move to metrazipine was the best thing my doctor ever did, it was like waking up from a dark pit.

Doctors like to suggest SSRIs but they can be actively harmful if you do have ADHD. 4 out of 5 in our support group reacted the same as me to sertraline, no doctor could tell us why but we all have ADHD as the common factor.

Also, your DP is right, the weather will change. It won’t always feel this rough

Second Riley's post - it's a grounding technique bringing you in touch with the senses and into the present moment.
Also second calming breathing techniques.
Look up TIPPS it is a set of calming techniques to bring one down from acute distress / anxiety and can be repeated. Main ones are sequencing Cold water to face/ hands, breathing exercise with expiration longer than inspiration, a few moments of running on the spot. Even a slight shift in the right direction is good. That's effective for the physical symptoms, for the emotional distress try distraction , something called opposite emotion - - you engage in the opposite emotion if that makes sense, eg watch a funny cat meme to laugh or read a joke etc.
sorry I'm not good at links but basically address the issue with going to the GP along with taking steps using skills as above to counter and cope with the physical, the cognitive and the emotional symptoms.

I could have written this post a few months ago. I'd always had 'anxiety' but I went through a few weeks of intense panic. I felt as though I was imminently going to lose my mind, I couldn't relax- I would sit on the sofa in the evening feeling like my body wasn't my own and the world wasn't real.

I know that it is expensive- but I would beg/borrow the money to see a psychiatrist. For me this was a complete game changer because they had such a broad range of expertise. We could discuss medication, hormones, diet, therapy, sleep...rather than just a GP consultation, or 30 mins with a CBT therapist. By coincidence, the psychiatrist mentioned PCOS the first time I spoke to her. I'm the same age as you too- 26. She was right, this was confirmed a couple of months later. So it wouldn't surprise me if you have something really bizarre going on with your hormones at the moment.

Do whatever you need to do to get through the next few weeks. There were a few things that helped me when I was going through this phase. Reading comforting books about mental health, I really enjoyed all of Matt Haig's books- I think one was called Reasons to stay alive. That gave me a lot of hope and it's very easy to read. Short sessions of mindfulness on the headspace app when you feel up to it. I never felt like doing it but always felt better afterwards. Getting out the house as much as possible- not necessarily to exercise or whatever but literally to get fresh air and vitamin d. The human brain wasn't designed for long spells of time indoors!

I promise this phase won't last forever, and looking back I am actually glad I went through a bad patch because it forced me to seek help to address the route cause rather than just living with bearable anxiety forever!

Agree with the poster regarding contraception being a possible factor. My dd is about your age and experienced very similar issues last year when she switched to a different pill. Her transformation back into herself was almost immediate when she stopped taking it.