There is something hugely wrong with me and I have no options left

[whatiswrongwithme128]

My anxiety and current mental state is through the roof right now. It’s crippling me and my relationship. I’m a 26 year old female.

I have had countless therapy and counselling which has had little effect. I am on Sertraline with again little effect. I’ve had anxiety diagnosed - I’ve also had ADHD, OCD and PTSD mentioned as possible reasons. I’m on the waiting list for an ADHD assessment.

It’s completely blown up over the last few weeks. I don’t feel present at all, I can’t relax and I’m going to sleep/waking up crying most of the time. I then feel guilty because my boyfriend has to put up with it all, because it’s happening most days, and I get even more upset and beat myself up that I’m not being myself. This is a HUGE cycle I’m in right now.

I can’t relax, my self esteem is through the floor, I don’t feel present, I’m on hyper alert all the time and I have constant brain fog.
I’m on hyper alert around my boyfriend - if he’s not directly touching me or talking to me I get worried. If he laughs a lot with his friends I worry I’m not doing that.

I have even suggested we split up for his own good, but he says that’s not my decision to makes and he wants to be with me. I’m really really lucky because he has said things like “there’s two of us in this, you’re not alone”, “we’ll figure it out together” etc.
I said I felt I had a black cloud over me and he said “good thing the weather changes each day” 🥺

So I am really lucky. But this is honestly crippling me. I currently can’t afford therapy and I’ve almost given up with meds, I’ve tried a few now. I really don’t know how to change going forward.
My brain knows all the rational things, but my horrible overthinking brain takes over every time.

Sorry should have said, if you have PTSD, it's hard to get completely better until there has been a specific Rx such as EMDR or Trauma based CBT. It can be a sort of background cause or surge of anxiety that's hard to rationalise and control - the skills help but therapeutic treatments are evidence based to treat.
Self care also all the way. Adopt the attitude to yourself you are in a tough place and to take both physical and emotional care of yourself - try not to add on a layer of self blame etc. x

May I ask, are you on any anti acne medicine? Especially a contraceptive pill geared towards acne prevention?

Yes - copy and paste your OP on to a Word document and print it off. Hand it to your GP and allow him/her time to read it.

I'm a great believer in doing this where the issue is quite complex and you might find yourself unable to be as clear as you'd like.

I have had countless therapy and counselling which has had little effect. I am on Sertraline with again little effect. I’ve had anxiety diagnosed - I’ve also had ADHD, OCD and PTSD mentioned as possible reasons. I’m on the waiting list for an ADHD assessment.

It’s completely blown up over the last few weeks. I don’t feel present at all, I can’t relax and I’m going to sleep/waking up crying most of the time.

How long have you been taking antidepressants? Has your medication changed recently?

Do you feel that you are in crisis? It sounds like you need to be seeing a psychiatrist not just being treated by the GP and on a waiting list for counselling, which is often just CBT self-study via the NHS.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this, that sounds so difficult.

I wanted to add my experience in case it might be relevant. I really struggle with my mental health and have done my whole life. When I discovered how ADHD presents differently in women, it was like a lightbulb went off but when the dust settled I still felt like that wasn't the whole picture. Then Autism was mentioned to me, I genuinely never considered this could be part of who I am but I went into the research hole and, again, found that the symptoms in women are completely different to what I had known Autism to be. And there it was - the full picture! The meltdowns explained and this feeling withing me of constant inner conflict explained.

It's like I'm living as two totally different people constantly battling each other - one only knows chaos and the other needs complete order. It explains so many of the times that I have been in a complete state of overwhelm without knowing why. Completely over-stimulated with no understanding of myself and why I was feeling that way - but now I'm on the pathway to a diagnosis for both ADHD and ASD I am finding advice and support that works for my brain. I am also able to be kinder to myself and have been allowing my autistic side to overpower the ADHD a bit more (not sure if that makes sense).

Perhaps this doesn't apply to you but I suppose what I'm saying is perhaps you haven't got the full picture yet and that's what you need. Once you do you will know how to find the right support for you and things will slowly get easier.

Huge hugs from someone who is coming out of the other side of a life full of searching.

Agree if you are in crisis then seek immediate help.
Either AE or GP OOH can assess and refer to crisis team for MH assessment and the crisis team can if appropriate see you daily until more stable

This sounds a lot to deal with. My suggestion would be that if you can afford it pay to see a psychiatrist privately. The NHS system takes forever and isn't great for people with complex issues that need working out. I know a couple of people where 1 or 2 psychiatrist appointments gave them a diagnosis and direction for treatment.

Psychiatrists can diagnose and deal with medication recommendations/ prescribe, though clinical psychologists don't formally diagnose they are aware of diagnostic criteria and can formulate and treat, and refer over to psychiatrist if feel it's needed.

Have you tried an alternative to Setraline? Many people don't get on with it but other things (eg Citalopram) work.
Also for very short term relief whilst in crisis I was given diazepam.
Definitely pursue a diagnosis for ADHD as my DD finds the medication hugely helpful for her ("clears her brain")

Do you know what your B12 result was and where in the range? GPs will often tell you it’s ok when it’s low, needs to be in the top quadrant of the range. I felt shaky, anxious, breathless when my B12 was low. Easily fixed with a course of injections.

OP this is hard as you have tried many things and haven't got the means to pay for private therapy. You don't say what the origin of your issues might be other than possible ADHD.

Agree with others distractions, doing something you love might help to get you don't a little bit for now. How is work? Do you feel you'd benefit from some sick leave or is work something that helps you be busy?

I must say that distractions etc won't resolve your issues though. Did you have a difficult upbringing? It might need addressing in the long term as the effects of it will keep creeping up on you and put you off balance I'm afraid. Are you able to somehow get yourself in the position to pay for private therapy in the future? It could be about £40-50 per session at the low end. Short-term therapy may help you cope but it won't resolve anything and I would plan for something longer term if possible at all to really get to the root of what's making things so difficult for you.

Please, go to your GP and if you can buy yourself a little time (even just a few of days) get signed off work to rest and compose yourself a wee bit. And also get some referrals in train. Feeling like this doesn't come from nowhere.

I am (very) late diagnosed ADHD - spent many years fruitlessly trying to address my terrible stress, anxiety and burnout with therapy and meds, massively detrimental, Sertraline nearly finished me off. A proper diagnosis (and meds) has transformed mine and my families life. Your GP should be able to help you to rule out or in all those options. Get bloodwork too.

Boyfriend sounds like a good 'un.

Sending all love to you OP. You deserve not to feel like this and knowledge is power.

This is my history too, pcos, questioning adhd, past trauma etc etc.
I take Sertraline 100mg and Mirtazapine 15mg and that keeps me just about level.
Good luck OP x

When did you start Sertraline? I felt utterly appalling on if for about a month, then it was like a fog lifted and I felt normal again.

I know you are only 26 and having periods so it is clearly not the menopause but your description of how you feel sounds so similar to how I felt going through the menopause. As you say you have PCOS I wonder if your own hormones could be affecting you, or possibly hormonal contraception as some PPs have suggested. Might be worth investigating this seeing as the anti depressants and therapies haven’t seemed to help. It is amazing the effect hormones can have on our mental health.

This is very good advice. I feel like I've been there and I feel like the best thing I did was to stop the thinking about why and do activities that get me into my body instead.

B12 on the low side can be sub optimal so getting this up can help. You need folate alongside
Magnesium is very important too. It's hard to get enough in offer down and we need to much especially when stressed or on an emotional rollercoaster.

This is why I’m for privatising healthcare here. If you lived in America you would get anti anxiety medication ie Xanax

So many useful and kind posts above. I just wanted to add I am another diagnosed very late in life ASD (with an ADHD diagnosis potentially coming) and can't tell you how much a diagnosis has helped me. I had self-awareness and had learned how to "live" over the decades (my twenties were just dreadful), but the explanations have brought me a lot of peace. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

https://flo.health/pcos/mental-health-and-pcos

I got like this a short period of time , felt like I was living in a fog ready to burst into tears , fearful of everything and nothing , to ought I was going mad. Turns out my b12 was v low. Got injections and after a wk I was back to normal , couldn't believe it , my nervous system had completely gone out of sync and it took a while to feel completely well but it could be that sending hugs

Have you worked through past trauma OP with something like EFT or EMDR? Talk therapy won't be as effective as those..especially if it's deep rooted

Big hugs OP. Hold on - it WILL get better. There’s some great advice on this thread and lots of peoples cheering you on.

My two pence - every day, if you can, pop on a song you can dance to, and shake that booty. Be as silly and energetic as you can. Do it with your bf. I found doing this helped reconnect me with being a bit silly which made life feel a little bit lighter. It’s easier than getting out for “proper” exercise while you’re feeling low, one song has a definite end so you don’t feel guilty for stopping exercise “too soon”, and your body will enjoy the endorphins.

this reminds me a lot of sensory overload and autistic burn out

Do you know what worked for me- exercise. It burns off all the anxiety, stress, energy and troubles. Sounds like you have too much and it’s overwhelming, you can burn it off through exercise. Go for a run/join a gym.

It’s amazing what exercise does and also helps you sleep better too- it’s a complete win-win!

Sounds like you need more input than you are getting. Does your gp practice have a MH nurse? A lot of them do these days so worth asking to be referred or to the CMHT for assessment. They are generally better than the GPs - more time, see people regularly, work on the difficulties together. If you’ve been on the round of the SSRIs, might be worth asking about referral to psych for trying other alternatives which gps are sometimes less keen to look at - mirtazipine, venlafaxine, quetiapine can be used for anxiety, as can propranolol to be taken as required. Don’t try to muscle through this on your own.