There is something hugely wrong with me and I have no options left

[whatiswrongwithme128]

My anxiety and current mental state is through the roof right now. It’s crippling me and my relationship. I’m a 26 year old female.

I have had countless therapy and counselling which has had little effect. I am on Sertraline with again little effect. I’ve had anxiety diagnosed - I’ve also had ADHD, OCD and PTSD mentioned as possible reasons. I’m on the waiting list for an ADHD assessment.

It’s completely blown up over the last few weeks. I don’t feel present at all, I can’t relax and I’m going to sleep/waking up crying most of the time. I then feel guilty because my boyfriend has to put up with it all, because it’s happening most days, and I get even more upset and beat myself up that I’m not being myself. This is a HUGE cycle I’m in right now.

I can’t relax, my self esteem is through the floor, I don’t feel present, I’m on hyper alert all the time and I have constant brain fog.
I’m on hyper alert around my boyfriend - if he’s not directly touching me or talking to me I get worried. If he laughs a lot with his friends I worry I’m not doing that.

I have even suggested we split up for his own good, but he says that’s not my decision to makes and he wants to be with me. I’m really really lucky because he has said things like “there’s two of us in this, you’re not alone”, “we’ll figure it out together” etc.
I said I felt I had a black cloud over me and he said “good thing the weather changes each day” 🥺

So I am really lucky. But this is honestly crippling me. I currently can’t afford therapy and I’ve almost given up with meds, I’ve tried a few now. I really don’t know how to change going forward.
My brain knows all the rational things, but my horrible overthinking brain takes over every time.

This does sound like you have quite a lot of anxiety, when someone is anxious for a long period it can seem to get worse and worse and it seems very difficult to see a way back to feeling normal again, it can feel like you get stuck in fight or flight mode. I'm not qualified to diagnose but you may well also have something called Depersonalisation, which can seem scary, but not uncommon in prolonged anxiety. But I would try not to go down the rabbit hole on diagnoses right now, the way you are feeling and thoughts you have may be awful at times but I assure you millions of people since the dawn of time have had these issues and have recovered (including me) I was recommended to read 'Self Help for your Nerves' by Dr. Claire Weekes, by a consultant psychiatrist many years ago, and whilst the book is dated, her techniques and explanations about anxiety are amazing and her tone is kind and friendly. You can read the first few chapters on amazon as a sample, there are also a lot of old but good videos and audio clips of her on Youtube. Slow and steady abdominal breathing also works very well for helping with intense anxiety in the moment, and I agree very much for those that are recommending small focused practical activities like gardening, doing some repetitive craft activity like knitting can also be good to give you something to focus on that will give your mind (and body) a much needed rest from ruminating and tension. Do check in with your GP too, as others have said it can be possible to have issues caused by lack of certain vitamins or by hormonal or blood sugar issues. All the best x

Sorry you are feeling this way OP. I completely understand you, having been through a similar experience. All I can say is, things will improve when you find the right treatment.

Have you tried other medication? Mirtazapine is very good for sleep and low mood. Have you got support from the mental health team? I know they cannot support long term but they can suggest charities who do. I waited 3 years for my counselling for PTSD, but it was well worth the wait.

Do you know what triggers your anxiety? From my personal experience acceptance of whatever is causing it is the key to managing and living with anxiety. For example through psychology sessions we identified my anxiety is triggered by uncertainty and things out of my control, so in my sessions I was given coping strategies for managing uncertainty and in time my anxiety reduced significantly.
If you've had counselling I presume you've had or know about cbt which is focussed on looking at potential outcomes and what is the worst that can happen. I found ACT far more useful - acceptance commitment therapy and that's what really helped me.
2 books that changed my life are the chimp paradox and the happiness trap - you could Google and see if you think either would interest you. I found comfort knowing I wasn't alone and recognising my feelings in what I was reading.

Ask your Dr for something else other than the Sertaline or try weaning yourself off it.x I have ADHD and have heard many times through forums etc that Sertaline can make anxiety and other symptoms far worse for someone with ADHD.

Speak to your Dr or someone more knowledgable in ADHD

What was your childhood like? Relationship with parents etc?

Thinking of you!

I have read that sertraline is not a good choice for those with ADHD. Apologies - can’t remember the source of that.

.

I had a breakdown due to undiagnosed adhd. It caused me so many issues. It could be that……

I just saw this and thought what great advice. I have been in your position OP and honestly, simple things like this have helped me the most. They're also the thing that therapists have always told me. Youtube has great therapists with channels and basically are similar to the therapy sessions I have and I really recommend someone called Dr Julia.. can;t recall last name but she uses visual techniques to explain why this is happening and what to do- like objects and colour. Hard to explain but try and find her. Focus on what makes you happy, just one little thing a day can change your whole perspective. Stop beating yourself up about being unwell, you wouldn't;t do that if you had a physical illness so no need to think differently with this. It's an illness not a weakness. You don't need to get everything right every day. I also do this thing I learnt from a mental health person online, try and touch on these areas every day: move your body, do something you love, connect with others, celebrate something, even something small like you did exercise or how kind your bf is, and the most important thing: chill out! That one I don't have a problem with anymore and I used to go non stop! Sit on a yoga mat, watch a movie or the sun set, just don't go non stop every day. It never helps.

Try and breathe deep today and remind yourself, this is not a catastrophe, I am just human and its human to feel anxious. Anxiety is ok. Its how we respond that causes the problems.

Make a nest. Wrap yourself in a duvet. Go there with your pain. When you feel a bit better, come out. If you start to feel bad, go back. A spare bed or chair, or just a quiet corner, all are fine for this.

You have had great advice on this thread op. I would like to add, cut out caffeine, alcohol and anything else like that. Half an hour a day do some yoga or breathing/meditation. It will probably take you some time to get into it but it's worth it in the end. Also limit screen time as much as possible.

I really hope things get better for you soon 💐

You poor thing. I’ve been there.
For me, sertraline sent me into a terrible spiral. It made my anxiety unbearable. Definitely go back to your GP and tell them how you feel.

There's a lot of people on here suggesting exercise. But as ridiculous as it sounds I just can't make myself do it. I know it will help, I know it's healthy, I know I should but I just struggle so much to even go for a walk. I have anxiety , ADHD medicated and depression and life is hard.

@Ollifer Then start with walking. It's good to get out of the house too so that's another reason walking's a good one. Just start by walking a distance you find comfortable.

I know it sounds lame but Pokemon Go is also good for making walking less boring.

We’ve had a horrendous night. I got upset lastnight because he rejected me, saying he was tired etc etc. He then got annoyed because I’m not understanding and don’t listen to him.
I then got really upset because I felt it was another thing I did wrong and I spiralled and I used my hand to hit my head slightly.
This morning he said he feels like I’m jeapordising my own happiness - that because I’m worrying so much about doing things wrong and trying not to, then I end up doing more wrong.

I said I just wanted to give up and he doesn’t understand that it’s physically impossible for me to try and be happy. He says I need to at least try and not give up, and that’s all he wants. But he doesn’t understand that my brain is all over the place and everything is an effort 🙁 really really struggling

And now I can’t stop asking if things are okay because he’s saying it’s all fine and forgotten but I linger on things so much

I am sorry you are so unhappy. I still get affected by my anxiety but not as much so I want to give you hope. That's what is lacking in your words. You keep convincing yourself there is nothing you can do and I promise you, there is. You don't need to tackle it all but just think of today. Today, what can you do to make yourself happy? What do you and your partner like doing together?

You know you shouldn't;t keep asking him what's wrong, this will only make it worse. So today, say to yourself, I am loved, he is my partner, I don't need to worry today if he is angry. Today I just need to be here and not worry. Keep saying it all day. The key thing is, you are actually in control of your thoughts and your actions. You may think you're not, but the more you tell yourself that the more you believe it and the reality is really different. You don't need to follow those unhelpful thoughts. Find something you like doing today, and just do it.

Thank you so much. I just know so much has happened and I’m such a handful, so I don’t really understand how he can just move on. He says I shouldn’t be giving up but I find it so hard not to.
He seems okay today but if he’s a bit quiet I’m worried it my fault

Its easy when you've got anxiety to overthink, thats literally what is happening. Every time that worrying thought comes into your head, you need to counter it with a positive thought that you know to be true. I learnt that in therapy. You can;t just say 'stop thinking'. So I used to think getting on a train or in a small room, ' oh my god, I feel like I can;t breathe, I'm going to get stuck, I can;t cope, I need to get out now'. When that starts now I say, ' There is plenty of air and you will not have trouble breathing, you know this is true, you also know you are very capable and have in fact coped all your life in small rooms and on transport with no problems. Anxiety is just part of being human and I can experience it without anything bad happening'.

Start writing in a journal your unhelpful thoughts. Then replace them like I have above and every time those negative thoughts appear, you have something to say to yourself at the ready, to replace them and centre yourself. Remind yourself, anxiety is part of life, its a sign my body is looking out for me, I am grateful my body works like this, all thats happening is I have become overreactive to my anxiety and I can change that.

An example for you:
I’m such a handful You're not, lets replace that with: I am a beautiful loving person who my partner chose to be with and understands. I am just unwell, and thats ok. I am allowed to be ill and still ask to be loved

I’m so sorry you're going through this. DD has (had- I'm afraid to say had in case it creeps back in) anxiety/depression. You should very similar to her. She has also hit herself in the head when she was especially frustrated.

Her psychiatrist told us that until the anxiety and depression has lifted a bit there is no way she could "make herself happy". It was impossible. She is now taking sertraline and things are definitely improving. I would go back to your GP/psychiatrist and tell them the sertraline isn't working. You need to have it tweaked. In your present mental health state you cannot just "be happy".

This is exactly it. I want to try and I don’t want to give up, but my brain can’t physically do it and this is what he doesn’t understand. I can’t force myself out of the spiral :(

I don't think there is validity to saying you can't help yourself and that only drugs will. I have never had a professional healthcare person, psychologist, psychiatrist even, say this. If you keep telling yourself that then you are giving in to the negative thoughts. In recent years we have realised how damaging anti depressants and anxiety meds can be so be careful of listening to that voice that tells you you can;t be happy. Its lying to you.

It’s crippling. I can’t even do anything normal in the evenings, because something will happen during the day that’ll make me worry and I have to talk about it. I don’t remember the last time we just sat, watched tv, enjoyed an evening without having to have a conversation or me getting upset

My daughter went through a similar experience and after months of panic attacks, ineffective therapy and equally ineffective anti-depressants a new GP tested her Vitamin D. It was so low she had to have prescription-only megadoses to get her levels back up.

Now she says she's been given her life back.

Of course mental health is important, I just wish doctors would help us rule out all possible physical causes first.

I agree with this post 100%. Excellent advise here.

Its ok to need to just chat about a troubling thing to get it out of your mind. It's not if all it's doing is focusing on it and catastrophes the incident. So go over it, allow yourself 10 minutes in the evening to chat about it and then do something. The advice I gave earlier is good here, replace the negative unhelpful thoughts with positive ones that maybe you discuss with your partner and then, this is the crucial part, move on. You don't need to keep discussing it because you have an answer at the ready you can say to yourself internally and then you can enjoy whatever you're doing instead. You need to make an active decision to want to move on. Address it, but then move past it, remind yourself that you're not getting any further repeating the same thoughts or worries. Chose to give yourself a break. Theres nothing more you can do after discussing it for 10 minutes. Replace your defeatist terms of 'I can't do anything normal' with, ' I can chose what I want to do tonight and do something that will make me happy'. Every single time that negative thought loop starts, have at the ready whatever phrase or sentence you've already written down to help you move beyond it. We can actually adapt quickly to this.