There is something hugely wrong with me and I have no options left

[whatiswrongwithme128]

My anxiety and current mental state is through the roof right now. It’s crippling me and my relationship. I’m a 26 year old female.

I have had countless therapy and counselling which has had little effect. I am on Sertraline with again little effect. I’ve had anxiety diagnosed - I’ve also had ADHD, OCD and PTSD mentioned as possible reasons. I’m on the waiting list for an ADHD assessment.

It’s completely blown up over the last few weeks. I don’t feel present at all, I can’t relax and I’m going to sleep/waking up crying most of the time. I then feel guilty because my boyfriend has to put up with it all, because it’s happening most days, and I get even more upset and beat myself up that I’m not being myself. This is a HUGE cycle I’m in right now.

I can’t relax, my self esteem is through the floor, I don’t feel present, I’m on hyper alert all the time and I have constant brain fog.
I’m on hyper alert around my boyfriend - if he’s not directly touching me or talking to me I get worried. If he laughs a lot with his friends I worry I’m not doing that.

I have even suggested we split up for his own good, but he says that’s not my decision to makes and he wants to be with me. I’m really really lucky because he has said things like “there’s two of us in this, you’re not alone”, “we’ll figure it out together” etc.
I said I felt I had a black cloud over me and he said “good thing the weather changes each day” 🥺

So I am really lucky. But this is honestly crippling me. I currently can’t afford therapy and I’ve almost given up with meds, I’ve tried a few now. I really don’t know how to change going forward.
My brain knows all the rational things, but my horrible overthinking brain takes over every time.

You may be having a Quarter-life crisis.

It happened to me and to many of my friends. I don’t know why.

You either need some form of talking therapy or, if you really can’t afford it, to do DIY therapy via books and courses.

I can only describe what happened to me but everyone will be different, of course. I described it as feeling like a cat on a hot tin roof, never able to truly feel relaxed nor content. I ended up resigning from my corporate job (still to a decent job, but more fun/flexible) and that probably made the biggest difference, but the other things that helped were:
a) online CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy);
b) taking 3 months’ gardening leave between jobs and travelling solo where I met nice people and, because they were strangers, I was about to have very truthful conversations about what I wanted in life (I realised that I did want the ‘vanilla’ life of marriage and kids after all; despite declaring previously that I didn’t);
c) I had 2 sessions with a nutritional therapist and had a ‘makeover’ for my diet (key takeaways: sugar is awful for anxiety, and Diet Coke is even worse and, for me, exacerbated both anxiety AND depression!).

The crisis feelings all gradually ebbed and things improved. If it is of any consolation, I have never ever felt that unsettled again, not even as a new mother, and believe that the skills I learned during that crisis made me stronger in the long run.

Stick in there; things will improve. Be honest with yourself about what’s important to YOU in life; you may find you end up making some changes.

I used to have crippling social anxiety to the point I couldn’t go out for weeks at a time, this will probably sound very anticlimactic but I started talking magnesium glycinate and then poof! Gone. I literally used to cry because of how much time I felt I lost of my life struggling with anxiety because I was deficient in magnesium🤦🏽‍♀️ it’s been 2 years and no sign of it since.

Best of luck OP, I know how completely debilitating anxiety can be.

Totally agree, best to keep busy with a routine and purpose.

Keep trying different meds OP, there are loads you can try until you find the best one for you.

Thank you so much everyone I really appreciate all the comments! I’ve screenshotted so many as there’s lots for me to think about.
It’s so frustrating because my brain is so illogical. For example I know that my boyfriend still loves me even if he’s chatting to others on the other side of the room, not looking at me, and yet my heart starts racing and I get really upset.

I have no idea how to deal with my emotions

Is there’s more than just anxiety going on here?
I think you need a proper psychiatric assessment.

Try restorative yoga. then yoga and Pilates.

I was prescribed Sertraline for anxiety and it made me worse. I rode it out for 3 months and couldn’t take it anymore.

I was switched onto fluoxetine and it worked wonders for me. Obviously my anxiety is not cured and probably never will be, but the fluoxetine has really helped to boost my mood which lessens my worrying and panicking.

You need therapy and yoga. I was like this in my early 20s, these two techniques gave me the tools I needed to understand myself and understand life. Prioritise them.

Really sorry if any of this is not helpful but was to therapy you had CBT based? I found group CBT where you can hear the stories of other anxiety sufferers and realise it’s not so unusual and nothing to feel stigmatised about.

When I started sertraline one of my docs also prescribed propanolo which all it does is reduce your adrenaline for an hour which I found really helpful to reset my body. It will take a month or so for sertraline to take full affect but don’t be afraid to ask for higher dose if you feel it still isn’t working.

@Annaishere Sertraline is ant anxiety medication

Really sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this OP. I’ve had some times like this in my life and it’s horrible, and feels inescapable. Then the worrying about how you’re feeling doesn’t help either! I did get through it though and so can you. One of the times I felt very dissociated, panicked and overwhelmed in the way you describe turned out it was the Mirena coil- which several doctors denied but the symptoms evaporated when it came out.

I find it helpful to remember that you’re very anxious like this your autonomic nervous system has gone into overdrive - it’s all fight and flight and no rest. You’re constantly prepared for danger. Think about how you feel when you’re very scared or excited - this is basically the same physiological state but over a long time. It’s exhausting!

So anything which can calm/rebalance your body and signal that it’s ok for you to rest is helpful. That’s why people recommend stuff like exercise, walks in nature, baths, meditation, acupuncture, and grounding exercises. Try and find one of these which works for you- personally I find yoga is invaluable for keeping my anxiety at bay. These things also all help to get you back in your body- one way of thinking about the dissociation you’re feeling is that it’s a coping mechanism, a way of trying to escape the situation and escape your overwhelming feelings. It has its function, but over the long term as you’re experiencing it’s horrible and a big part of recovery is getting back to your body.

Psychologists also think of worry as a coping mechanism - it gives your mind something to focus on. So another strategy is to try and find things which keep your mind busy and distract from the worry. That doesn’t necessarily mean work or loads of stress, that’s probably not helpful when you’re feeling overwhelmed. But something which distracts you, you enjoy, and requires focus- eg knitting, drawing, cooking if you like any of those. An absorbing game. Not scrolling!

I’d definitely agree go back to your GP and make it clear that you’re experiencing a crisis. Anxiety is common, but the intensity you’re experiencing it at is serious and so try and get them to refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist who has a broader based training than CBT, especially if that’s not worked for you so far. You could also try your local Mind, as they often offer interventions such as peer support groups or therapy which might help. NoPanic is a good shout as well. Good luck.

What goes through your mind op, when your bf is talking to friends etc? Are you having negative thoughts that are making things worse or sparking anxiety? Eg. ‘He doesn’t love me, I’m awful, why would he want to be with me?’ etc.

I wonder if this article will help at all? I changed my internal voice from negative/berating to positive/helpful and it was honestly a game changer. You do have to work at it, but it’s worth it.

https://psychlibrary.co.uk/?p=5646

I am 29 and I had this for years. Just couldn't shake it. Then I came off the pill to have a baby and have felt fine since.

It may sound odd but I was on the pill from age 12 as I had really bad menstrual migraines. So if you been taking a contraceptive for a long time maybe stop for 3 to 4 months and see if that helps.

I haven't got ADHD but I have OCD tendencies because of my dyslexia. This also improved when I stopped taking the pill.

Are you sure you can't afford therapy? You can get low cost sessions with a trainee for around £20. I think it takes time to find one you really like. I've been through about 6 and have only just found one who "gets" me. I've had a stand-in while she's been on holiday and it's made me appreciate her even more.

If you feel like CBT might be helpful for you then the Thrive programme could be a good shout and cheaper than a therapist. The website is very self-helpy so I wouldn't judge the books and course on that. The workbook is written by a psychologist and it helped me hugely when I couldn't afford therapy/couldn't find one I liked.

Just wanted to say I know everything feels overwhelming right now but it WILL get better. It sounds like you are keen to do something about it which is the first step and I promise as long as you are willing to work on things you will get to such a good place. Also your boyfriend sounds lovely 😊

You’ve mentioned pcos and heavy periods. Both of which can be caused by glucose spikes. Follow the glucosegoddess on Instagram for some ways to reduce this. Glucose spikes can also cause anxiety, cravings and a host of other health issues that seem like they could be something else, but are often caused by poor diet. Have a read of The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk It sounds like you may have some unresolved childhood trauma. Unresolved developmental childhood trauma can also manifest as many of the things you’ve mentioned. The fact that you don’t seem to believe that you’re worthy of being loved, or worthy of being in a relationship and being supported by a partner also point to some potential early childhood & attachment issues. Good luck!

A link in case it might help anyone else. As mentioned I really don't like the website as it's very salesy but the books are much more straight-talking and focused on CBT that the author has used with his patients. I probably would have done a course with a coach if I could have afforded it.

https://www.thriveprogramme.org/

It is but I’ve rarely found an anti- depressant that helps with it

You sound like my 18 year old. Sertraline made her MUCH worse. She started getting suicidal thoughts on it and attempted a couple of times on it. Go back to the doctors and discuss. If its adhd ssris shouldn't be used .

I have experienced this - my B12 was low and I needed injections, iron and vitamin D low also. Unfortunately, my GP wouldn't treat me as apparently the levels weren't low enough (a regular problem that women face). I ended up treating myself (I had to pay for everything, including blood tests) which made a world of difference. Anxiety and depression can be linked to all sorts of physical issues and it's important to rule those out. I had therapy for years but I knew that there was nothing wrong in that sense - it was my body not functioning properly. Good luck - I hope you find an answer to what's happening to you.

Are you under a consultant?

It does sound like something like Quetiapine etc would help you more than an AD @whatiswrongwithme128 , as they chill you out more.

EMDR therapy can be really good where other therapy hasn't worked- they do it on the NHS now.

You need to see a consultant to consider medication options.

If you get much worse then go to A&E, that'd help to get you an appointment with a consultant more quickly, too. It's fine to go to A&E with mental health conditions and it doesn't sound like you're doing well.

I know the mental health system very well. My mid/late twenties were hard because the issues became more obvious to the point that I was diagnosed at 25, and they hadn't found the best medication for me yet. But I did come out the other side- you will too. xx

I agree with everyone mentioning B12 and other vitamins and minerals. All your levels of these need to be checked. My daughter had a TT for Graves disease, autoimmune overactive thyroid disease. She felt even worse after the surgery although Covid happened as well which didn't help either. I told her to get bloods checked and her VitD was only 19 and B12 only 162! Her folate was low as well. She had a course of B12 injections and now supplements with B12, folic acid, magnesium and VitD. The change in her is remarkable! Magnesium helps with VitD absorption sort of like taking iron supplements with vitC at the same time.

There's a lot of people on here suggesting exercise. But as ridiculous as it sounds I just can't make myself do it. I know it will help, I know it's healthy, I know I should but I just struggle so much to even go for a walk. I have anxiety , ADHD medicated and depression and life is hard.

Have you tried relaxation by saying to yourself “what is my next thought going to be?”

I have OCD, chronic ptsd and am currently pushing for a diagnosis for BPD. I have tried all the antidepressants, counselling and am currently having EMDR. None of these things help me. I also have B12 deficiency. Low B12 can cause many awful depressive symptoms and disassociation. I take no meds apart from vitamins, self inject B12 at least twice a week. The only thing that helps my mind, body and confidence is exercise classes and strength training. I also try to be close to nature as often as possible as it seems to ground me. It’s a constant battle to push the darker feelings away and it’s exhausting. I get it completely. Everything is hard work and relationships suffer as we can’t regulate our feelings at all. I still feel crap, but not as crap as I would if I didn’t push myself to the limit.