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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is treating me like her maid

928 replies

Grabhands · 24/08/2023 19:35

For context, this is a friend who I have known for years, haven't seen since before COVID. We booked and are on a 7 day all in beach holiday in the Med.

Meals are buffet service, tea service and cakes etc at certain times from a pool bar and a bar where you can go and get alcoholic drinks etc. At meal times waiters will bring you water for the table and you go to bar for anything else. Bar a few mins walk.

At every single meal we have had since arriving, she tries to send me to the bar to get her a drink, if I am going anyway absolutely fine, otherwise get your own!

She also keeps taking food from my plate to try it, with fingers , and then says can you go and get me some of that.

When I get desert, she gives me a list and asks me to bring back plates of various things.

Tea, she doesn't want to go to bar to get cakes, in case she misses some sun so again even though I don't want anything asks me to go.

I know its petty, and I'm usually easy going but after 3 days I have just said you go, you have legs too, and please stop taking food from my plate.

She is now very offended and huffing and puffing!

Am I being a cow?

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 24/08/2023 23:01

Honestly you don’t have to fight about it but you’re not going to be friends afterwards if you don’t come to some sort of understanding.

SuperCam · 24/08/2023 23:03

Alternatively just nod and say sure whenever she asks you to get her something then forget what she wanted or bring an entirely random wrong thing.

How weird though to be so lazy that you’d rather sit and be thirsty or bored without a book for ages than go and fetch what you need!

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/08/2023 23:10

Just say oh that’s great I need to relax too - can I rely on you to get all my stuff from now on?

Startyabastard · 24/08/2023 23:11

No is a complete sentence.

Original poster
Grabhands · 24/08/2023 23:13

She has just asked me if I am going to get a nigh cap from the bar

I've given up and said I am going to sleep, we are in the room and its late and I cba to say anything, but I am not getting up to go to the bar and fetch nightcaps

So so weird, like what I said earlier hasn't registered

OP posts:
SomeCatFromJapan · 24/08/2023 23:15

She's really not taking the hint, is she?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 24/08/2023 23:20

Grabhands · 24/08/2023 23:13

She has just asked me if I am going to get a nigh cap from the bar

I've given up and said I am going to sleep, we are in the room and its late and I cba to say anything, but I am not getting up to go to the bar and fetch nightcaps

So so weird, like what I said earlier hasn't registered

It hasn't registered because she thinks you don't mind, you need to set her straight.

Anytime she asks you to go get her something, reply "Sandra, I've not come on holiday to wait on you hand and foot, go yourself and stop asking me."

That's assuming she's not got any mobility issues?

WorseDecision · 24/08/2023 23:24

I would just ask her outright why it's okay for her to relax while you run around after her.

Such weird behaviour.

peachypudding · 24/08/2023 23:25

She sounds absolutely ghastly. Why are you friends with her?!

Original poster
Grabhands · 24/08/2023 23:28

peachypudding · 24/08/2023 23:25

She sounds absolutely ghastly. Why are you friends with her?!

Not planning another catch up thats for sure!

No mobility issues at all

OP posts:
SistersNotCisters · 24/08/2023 23:30

I think its just laziness, if she wants anything from the room and we are on the beach, she would rather wait till I go back and then ask me to bring her glasses or book etc than go herself, which can mean she is waiting an hour to avoid the 10 min walk

"Oops! Shit I knew there was something I was forgetting. Oh well, you can pop and get em. It'll only take a few mins."

Don't get her things when you're going there anyway. Become seriously forgetful. I have a neighbour who will text me a shopping list the second she sees me go to my car.
I fucking HATE getting a second lot of shopping when I just want to pop in to the corner shop whilst on whatever errand takes me out in the car, (shop is a 5 mins walk from our houses) grab my loaf and come back home. Or if I'm not going to the shop, I still struggle to say no because I drive straight past it twice leaving our streets and she sees that as me being unreasonable seeing that it's right there. I say no most times now with some random excuse.

Merapi · 24/08/2023 23:32

Crikey, your friend's entitled laziness knows no bounds.

coconutpie · 24/08/2023 23:33

You need to be totally blunt with her.

Do you think I am your servant?

And when she says no, respond:
Well why do you keep demanding I fetch you X, Y, Z?

Stop getting anything for her from tomorrow. No more favours. Even if you're going in that direction - tell her no, you're fed up that she's treating you like a skivvy and she can fetch her own shit from now on.

maddening · 24/08/2023 23:38

When she says she needs a break do point out you both do and you are both on holiday.

Ohthatsabitshit · 24/08/2023 23:52

Wow, she’s seriously odd.

CherryMaDeara · 24/08/2023 23:55

I will make the best of the next few days and enjoy the beach, but I am not fetching and carrying any more unless I am going anyway.

But if you fetch for her when you’re going anyway, she just thinks you don’t mind. So stop!

Just say ‘you’ve been a right lazybones this trip, it’s time you fend for yourself’.

Triffiddealer · 25/08/2023 00:00

Can’t you just ask her why she keeps asking you to get things for her?

I’m assuming she’s not disabled and you’re not her carer but everything you’ve written can only make sense if that were the case.

Barfvader · 25/08/2023 00:04

Please ask her why she gets to relax but you don't. I'm extremely curious to hear her response.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/08/2023 00:05

This is so outrageous its actually made me laugh with how awful she is. Even my primary school aged kids don't expect that much done for them.

And the 'I need to relax' comment. Like irrespective of whether you need to relax, it's your job to facilitate her enjoyment of her holiday. Ans picking up two towels instead of one would presumably be less relaxing for her. Bizarre.

It's completely inconceivable to me to be thirsty or fancying some boozy cocktail and just sit there thirsty and sober rather than actually getting a drink myself

uncomfortablydumb53 · 25/08/2023 00:08

What a cheek! Perhaps her DP's treat her like a child and she's got used to not lifting a finger, the huffing and puffing says this too
If she lists what she wants I'd reply " waitress is off duty now, and every other night"

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/08/2023 00:13

"We are sharing a room, I did gently say something earlier, and she just repeated she really needed a break and to relax and she knows I don't mind?"

But you do mind. (As would I.)

I'm starting to see this less as fecklessness / laziness, and more of - well, a power play. You've already told her "you go, you have legs too", which set her "huffing and puffing". She does know that you mind, she stropped over it! So by continuing to treat you as her skivvy, she is making a statement; and that statement is, 'I am more important than you'.

I think I'd be telling her, in a decidedly ungentle way, that living with her parents has clearly infantilised her as she seems to have become incapable of adult behaviour, and that whilst her mother may be fool enough to run around after her, you will not.

Deal with it now, or your blood pressure will be at a dangerous level by the end of the holiday.

sodthesodoff · 25/08/2023 00:23

She knows. She knows you mind hence the huffing and puffing because she's not getting her own way

Couldn't look past the fact the one time was up before you she got a towel for herself and not for you. That's basic stuff right. You. Just. Get. Two. She was already there. She can't blame laziness. That's pettiness. Selfishness. Whatever. She's a bundle of fun whichever way you look at it.

Stop doing anything. At all. Don't get anything even if you're going. Just tell her straight to stop treating you like a slave.

ThereIbledit · 25/08/2023 00:49

To be honest at this point I think I'd be taking myself off for the day somewhere, leaving a note that you're going on a day trip or what have you, and leave her to it.

We are sharing a room, I did gently say something earlier, and she just repeated she really needed a break and to relax and she knows I don't mind?

That was your cue to correct her. "Actually yes I do mind. I feel stressed and extremely disrespected by you when you treat me like an unpaid servant. I'm your equal not your servant, I'm on holiday to relax too, and being sent to fetch shit you're too lazy to go get is the opposite of relaxing for me. You've been an absolute user for the last few days so for the rest of the holiday I expect you to STOP behaving like I'm your staff and return the favours."

ImNotWorthy · 25/08/2023 00:53

You just say "Actually, I do mind." It will probably feel very strange to do so, but you can lessen this by practising saying it out loud when you are all alone. This way it will trip off the tongue when you need it to.

Once, when I was in my late 30s and had small DCs, DF asked me on the phone if he could change his mind and not stay with us as had already been planned, "if you don't mind." I took a deep breath, and said "Yes, I do mind, actually." It was the very first time I had not accepted his plans without question. He rang off shortly after that, and DM rang back to say that he had gone quiet, and had gone out for a walk to think. (And he did decide to come and stay, and we had a nice time. And our relationship became slightly more equal from then on!)

I know it's a bit different in your case, I mention this to show I understand how difficult it can be to challenge people, even politely, in the first place.

AliceOlive · 25/08/2023 00:58

ThereIbledit · 25/08/2023 00:49

To be honest at this point I think I'd be taking myself off for the day somewhere, leaving a note that you're going on a day trip or what have you, and leave her to it.

We are sharing a room, I did gently say something earlier, and she just repeated she really needed a break and to relax and she knows I don't mind?

That was your cue to correct her. "Actually yes I do mind. I feel stressed and extremely disrespected by you when you treat me like an unpaid servant. I'm your equal not your servant, I'm on holiday to relax too, and being sent to fetch shit you're too lazy to go get is the opposite of relaxing for me. You've been an absolute user for the last few days so for the rest of the holiday I expect you to STOP behaving like I'm your staff and return the favours."

Edited

I love the tactic of asking a question instead of making a statement. “I’m on holiday, too. Why would you think I wouldn’t mind waiting on someone else?”

or whatever. Maybe even just “really? Why?”