To think my friend is treating me like her maid

[Grabhands]

For context, this is a friend who I have known for years, haven't seen since before COVID. We booked and are on a 7 day all in beach holiday in the Med.

Meals are buffet service, tea service and cakes etc at certain times from a pool bar and a bar where you can go and get alcoholic drinks etc. At meal times waiters will bring you water for the table and you go to bar for anything else. Bar a few mins walk.

At every single meal we have had since arriving, she tries to send me to the bar to get her a drink, if I am going anyway absolutely fine, otherwise get your own!

She also keeps taking food from my plate to try it, with fingers , and then says can you go and get me some of that.

When I get desert, she gives me a list and asks me to bring back plates of various things.

Tea, she doesn't want to go to bar to get cakes, in case she misses some sun so again even though I don't want anything asks me to go.

I know its petty, and I'm usually easy going but after 3 days I have just said you go, you have legs too, and please stop taking food from my plate.

She is now very offended and huffing and puffing!

Am I being a cow?

It's weird on a discussion site, yes.

You've popped up a few times with a reasonably controversial point.

And you won't explain at all.

Oh you're doing this OP ! and when posters ask what else is it that OP, should be doing according to you

You literally won't say.

And you've made your point a few times haven't you ? So you've got everyone's attention.

It is weird.

I've never seen it before. @Chickenkeev

@Chickenkeev

Is it actually a secret thing? @Chickenkeev

She doesn't have a bloody answer, that's why.

Yeah. It smacks of someone coming on to berate the op. Then when questioned what they should actually do just don't have an answer

Some people just like kicking others when they're down

strangely @Chickenkeev is avoiding conflict 🤔

I did say i was conflict avoidant. I wasn't lying. But do please feel free to pile on.

I did say i was conflict avoidant. I wasn't lying. But do please feel free to pile on.

😉

I am too, and often would avoid, avoid, avoid then blow up. Now I’ve learned to be more thoughtful about agreeing to things, and to back out when I realize I’m not comfortable with something even if I already agreed.

In my opinion it doesn’t have to be a conflict in order to set and enforce boundaries with people.

I didn’t want to pile on so haven’t replied today. But I am interested in your opinion and that’s why I asked about it yesterday. I’m sorry if it felt like I was being aggressive.

To me, any sort of disagreement feels like conflict. I know it's not right, but i grew up placating a volatile parent so this is where i ended up. Writing that out has been interesting/helpful, so thanks for asking the question. (I'll be awake all night pondering now tho!)

I see what you mean. I don’t like saying no to people without a reason. I would absolutely say no in this situation, once I realized the friend was not reciprocating. I would have definitely made a comment about the towel, too.

I am currently deciding how I’m going to say no to a friend who’s asked for something that is not appropriate. Not sure if I’ll say the equivalent of “No, because that’s just beyond what is reasonable” or “No, that doesn’t work for me on that night.” (It’s a request with an expiration date). Part of the reason I’d avoid being direct about my reason is that I just don’t feel like getting into it. It’s a very awkward situation but shouldn’t be on me to explain that ti my friend.

If it was me, i'd make up an excuse. Always running away from any hint of conflict. I just can't do it. When i read it back, it's terrible, but it is what it is. It takes all sorts etc. I'm even afraid of my NDNs cat who has adopted my garden. I need help 😅

@Chickenkeev Sometimes the reason I make an excuse is to avoid sharing my own feelings and judgement. Not only to spare the other person or avoid them getting angry.

We also just got invited somewhere that I don’t want to go. I feel like the person inviting shouldn’t intuitively understand that we aren’t interested and also that after we’ve made excuses in the past they should stop asking. But they are pressing. Fortunately we have a really good excuse for this time. But I know I could never say “We love our friendship like it is, dinner, drinks, etc. but we don’t want to travel or stay overnight together.” Especially difficult to explain because we do travel with other friends. But we’ve known them for a very long time. We’ve figured out how to go away together.

I'd really love to know why it's so hard to say no for some of us. It's not rude or aggressive like. I wish i could do it.

I started deciding internally that the answer is no, “there is no way I’m doing that.” then deciding how to communicate it.

I think you have said "no" quite clearly on this thread @Chickenkeev . So you appear to be progressing rather well 😂

This is depressing as hell. Dw, you don't have to tell me.. I'll unfollow:) God speed and peace out

Why are multiple people piling on Chickenkeev? Here is her first post:

I think OP is being perfectly reasonable here. Why should she put up with someone who is patently unreasonable? I don't get why people are being negative. The 'friend' sounds like an arsehole.

And her second:

Tbf, it would be no harm for OP to relect on the conflict avoidance. I'm the exact same so def no judgement. But really conflict is inevitable with someone as outrageously cheeky as this. It would be righteous conflict. So OP wouldn't have been in any way wrong. And yet we still avoid it. I think it's a good thing to be able to 'do' this kind of conflict. But i can't! But OP situation was fairly unique tbf. You can see why she said eff this and just left.

Yup

Because based on this thread a few people are deeply touchy about anyone gently pointing out that conflict is sometimes unavoidable and if it's a problem for us it's worth exploring why.

That opinion is so uncontroversial as to be common sense.

Running away is a good tactic in some situations. Plenty of time to ignore the entitled one on the flight home :) Or spread out and take all the room on the seats.

Tell them you love them but spending too much time with them would end up with you not being friends any more and to stop asking in future :)

You are on holiday too. I assume that this will be your last holiday with her? I have a new work mate that keep trying to do this with me. I think it's just lazy and entitled behaviour. If we keep saying yes or complying, people like this will just think it's ok to act that way. I just go deaf and pretend I don't hear her requests. Say something like 'I'm in the middle of something, you go'. Also, mirroring her behaviour might work. Turn the tables and spend a day repeatedly asking her to do stuff for you. If she has any decency, she'll get the point and see how annoying it is.

Dump, at the first opportunity

@Mangledmind @JGRAN

OP ended up moving hotels to get away from 'friend' and they returned home nearly a month ago. OP has said she won't have anything to do with her again.

Unbelievable